Post your most funniest jokes

[LittleLambofJesus]

I will start it off:

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Walmart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

 

[Bible Highlighter]

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

Answer: Pouch potato.


...

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

A Catholic Priest, Pentecostal Preacher and Jewish Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to claw me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle it. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi! you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers"
.

 

[WilliamBo]

Why did the tree go to the dentist?





-------------think about it--------------------------





To get a root canal!

 

[davedajobauk]

Male or Female?

You might not have known this,
but a lot of non-living objects
are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off;
it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed,
but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under their butt.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at
and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time,
all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all,
and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha!
You probably thought it would be male,
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push,
he just keeps trying.



^^
Obviously written by a woman (?)
for reason 'the prejudice' ~that can hardly be ignored / unread

 

[davedajobauk]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

#

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

#

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

#

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

#

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

#

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
I said: "no it doesn't"

#

What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

#

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

#

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

#

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

#

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?
It's not the end of the world.

#

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

#

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

#

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

#

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

#

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40"

#

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

#

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

#

Wife says to her programmer husband,
"Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread.
If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread

#

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.

#

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

#
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

#

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.

#

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me.

#

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!

#

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications

#

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
because they always take things literally.

#

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
_

 

[Pilgrim]

What's the name and verse of the world's shortest poem?

Title: On Fleas

Adam had 'em!