Post holiday depression

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Since OCD and depression go hand in hand, I thought I would post this here. Every year I really get into the holidays, starting in November. I am sure this is not unusual for a lot of folks! We are so busy starting then, and it's a constant whirlwind of parties and family gatherings and seeing friends. I LOVE this time of year because I get to be with my families and people who I love most in the world, heck I got married in December because I love this time of year (decorations, Christmas carols, celebrating Jesus' birth, etc.) and the warm feelings it always brings.

But on January 2nd, like always, I feel empty and depressed. My mom and dad left today to go back home, and my husband went back to work. I should be happy that I have a few more days off before I go back to work on Monday, but I just feel so blah and depressed. It is a ripe time for OCD to make a comeback. I hate the cold weather, the darkness (dark when I get up, dark when I come home), and not being able to get outside and do things I love because it's cold or dark out. Or both.

This has been kind of a hard Christmas. My granddad had a stroke on Christmas Eve, and did not recover. Yesterday my grandmother made the decision to let him go, so we will most likely be going to his funeral next week. Death is an obsession for me (I fear death, the uncertainty, and then it always leads back to whether or not I really believe, because if I did, wouldn't I be happy to die and be with Jesus?) but I seem to be handling it ok. On top of that, my sister in law is a royal pain in the you know what. I can't even begin to describe the shenanigans she pulled during the holidays because it would just make me angry again. These are things I feel I could handle on any given day but to be in the midst of "post holiday blues" just makes them feel monumental.

I have no motivation to go to the gym even though I have every reason in the world to get healthy, lose some weight, and feel good about myself. Does anyone else struggle with feeling the letdown after the holidays? I know the drill is to exercise, get involved in a hobby, etc. but I feel ZERO motivation to do that this year.

 

[kicker]

Hey sad, I'm so sorry to hear about your granfather. You will be my thoughts and prayers. I too suffer from post holiday depression, it gets me every year. I wish I could motivate myself as well. My ocd has been back full force since Christmas ended. Gotta go for now. Take care and know we are thinking about you

James

 

[kaykay9.0]

Yes, sorry to hear about your grandfather, SAD.

And yes, I am one who loves the Christmas season and I do often feel an after Christmas let-down. So much festivity and get togethers etc. Then January seems kinda....blah.:o I try to plan something to look forward to after Christmas (something fun, pleasurable, not something that requires a lot of effort!) to alleviate this feeling a little if I can. I also try not to "build Christmas up" too much in my mind and emotions and this has helped too.

Hope this doesn't sound too "pollyanna-ish" but try to focus on the good things right now in your life...whatever they are....good health, completing school, whatever.
Prayers for you, girl!

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad, really sorry to hear about your Grandad...I pray that God will help you all through this difficult time!

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed post Christmas...I do understand where you're coming from on this one...it's all so nice and festive and pretty with stuff to look forward to and then WHAM it's January and they whip all the lights down and it all looks so different. One thing that I have found helpful is a bit like KayKay suggested as in having something to look forward to...but rather than it being an event I tend to have certain nice things about the year. So for example, I love the summer and could get miserable when it ends but I think that once the nights really draw in you're nearly starting on the Christmas season...then, once that's over I think wow, in hardly any time it'll be Spring and everything will warm up and the promise of Summer will be here...I know it might sound a little trite but I find it does help. Also, many years ago when it was raining as it often does here in England it reminded me of a place called the Lake District which I love which is particularly wet but beautiful...it kind of put a different spin on the weather when it reminded me of somewhere nice. I get really irked now when people say "Isn't it miserable!" when it's raining and I feel like saying well you might be miserable but the rain isn't! I guess what I'm trying to say is that somehow I've changed my perspective a bit and found it helps me cope with stuff that isn't allways full of the feel good factor. I don't know if that will help or not. I pray God helps you to find a way through this that isn't so much a quick fix as a tool for the future as well...take care...sending hugs, Rachel

 

[QUannie]

Sorry about your Grandad Sad!
Prayed for you!

Q

 

[MandyG]

SAD,
I will pray for you to have joy and peace through this time. I am sorry to hear that you are losing your Grandfather.
Yes, I totally know what you’re saying about after holiday depression. I have been fighting it myself. It doesn't help that on New Years Day we got a call letting us know that my husbands Dad, who lived in North Caroline, passed away on New Year's Eve. It has been a very down weekend. I have times where I feel that bee buzzing in my head trying to make me fearful about my OCD issues and at the same time trying to comfort my husband. I am exhausted and I would appreciate prayer. Let's fix our eyes on Jesus and all that He has done for us.

Thank You Lord Jesus for your unconditional love. Give us all your peace and security. Amen.

-Mandy

 

[RachelZ]

So sorry to hear about your sad loss too Mandy...will pray for you...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi all, thanks for the thoughtful responses. Mandy, sorry to hear about your father in law. Death seems to set that OCD bee a-buzzing, doesn't it? Or any sudden change in routine, for that matter.

I am feeling a little better this week. I allowed myself to enjoy the rest of my time off before going back to work yesterday, and I think that helped. We also picked up our Bible studies at church this week so it helps that DH and I are back in the swing of things. And I did get back to the gym yesterday!

Also, I joined a photography club at church so I am excited about starting that this week as well, given that we do not have to travel for my granddad's funeral. He is still hanging on but I expect it to be any day now.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I'm glad you're doing better Sad. I'm sorry about your grandfather and, Mandy, about your father-in-law. My aunt died about a week before Christmas. It does make anyone think probably about eternity, but especially those of us who struggle with being truly ready to go. Not saying that we're not ready, but worrying about the doubts we feel inside. I definitely know what you're talking about Sad.

I get all excited as well starting around November. Some of my best childhood memories are of spending time with my family during Christmas. I love the lights and decorations and, I too, was married in December. I've noticed though that I begin feeling a letdown before Christmas even gets here now. It's like I don't feel the built up excitement like I used to feel as a child. My role has changed since I'm older. Some family members have died since then, some people have other places to go and the number who go to my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve has grown smaller, etc., etc. It's like I want it to be like it was when I was a child and it's just not. I now see my parents are aging, as well as others who, when I was young, seemed to just stay timeless. I'm now responsible for helping to create a joyful environment for my husband and son, and often times I just don't feel as if I have anything to give. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I begin feeling sad before it's actually over now. I want the build up and excitement to continue and not to start dwindling before it even arrives!

I need to take the advice of others here and start looking forward to things in between. I love summer too Rachel. In fact, it's my favorite time of year. I begin dreading it when summer draws near to a close too. Change just seems difficult for me I think. I get worried that I'm always looking for something to entertain myself, but I've already starting daydreaming about the beach. I don't know if we're going to get to go this year, so that's put a real damper on that. I guess I just need to take small steps and have things here and there to look forward to. I really do have difficulty enjoying things like I used to be able to when I was younger. Maybe I'm having something like a mid-life crises!

This is longer than I meant for it to be. I've been so caught up in everything that it's been difficult to post for quite a while. I'm so glad to have people whom I can share with and relate to!

Rebecca

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad, really glad you're feeling a bit better...hope the photography goes really well!

Hi Rebecca...I'm sorry to hear about your Aunty...death is never a nice thing but somehow it seems especially cruel at this time of year! I'm sorry you struggle with the whole seasonal depression thing...yes what you've said does make sense and I can relate to the feeling of being sad before things are even upon us let alone over! Sometimes I feel grief about losing people when they eventually die even though that might not be for years...it does kinda put a dampner on things at times! I hope that somehow you can find that ability to see the good stuff in between the really good stuff if that makes sense. Take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Wow Becca, I can relate to so much of what you said. I also experience a let down, I think it's because I have these expectations that I will feel certain things, like closeness to people I love, and the "spirit of Christmas" (whatever that means!) Also, if you have ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, well, my love language is receiving gifts, so I build up very much the whole gift aspect of Christmas - both of gift giving, and gift receiving. I put a lot of thought and time into the gifts I pick out for people I love, and then build up my expectations of feelings of love and gratitude about the gifts I receive. I hope this doesn't make me sound selfish or anything! It is just how I like to show love, and be shown that I am loved. So when things fail to meet my expectations, I too feel that let down.

This year I was also distracted with my graduate exams, and I felt like I couldn't really get into anything. By the time I was done with my exams and back from Thanksgiving, it was nearly time for Christmas. Also, as we get older and situations change (such as deaths, or even marriages and births), traditions we had as children also change. This year, I had three separate Christmases - one with DH and I before the 25th, one with DH's family on Christmas Eve & Day, and one with my family after Chrsitmas. All I really wanted was to just go home and be with my family like I had done all through college, but things are obviously different now. I try to look at it that I am really blessed to have three families that I love to celebrate with.

Around September I also start to get anxious... I love summer time so much, like you Rachel. January through March is really hard for me. I decided this year that I need to exercise regularly, if just to help my seasonal depression. Rachel I also worry endlessly about people in my life dying, even though it may be awile - especially my parents. In fact, I just realized about a week ago that I have been compulsively praying whenever I get a spike about them dying of an illness or in a car accident. I seem to feel some sense of urgency, like, if I don't pray for their safety, and then something happens to them, then it will be my fault because I didn't pray. Sounds like Responsibility OCD at work here, but - like all other obsessions, it feels too important to ignore!

I do think having something to look forward to helps tremendously, even if it's a small thing. I do like making a list of goals for myself that I would like to accomplish for the year... most people look forward to the new year as a fresh start, but for me, I also get depressed because it means that I am getting older, as well as the people I love (that whole death obsessions again!!)

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thanks Rachel for your comforting reply. Yes, what you said does make sense! Sad, I've thought about looking at The Five Love Languages of Children by the same author. Maybe I should read the book you're talking about too. When I tend to worry about my parents, it seems to be in the night that it jolts me awake. I understand too about feeling responsible for praying for others, or something bad might happen. I wrote something in a book about praying one time. It was kind of a realization that hit me at that moment, and I didn't want to forget it. It was something like . . . "Praying doesn't mean that I've taken care of things. It means that I've given them to God to take care of." I try to pray and let it go. OCD would tell me it was never enough or that I needed to have more faith to keep something bad from happening, etc., but God hears the moment we pray. I have to remind myself of that often or else I'm trying to muster enough faith up for Him to answer me it seems. It's like it's all on me, when in fact I'm unable to handle it, that's why I take it to God to start with. It's something I have to tell myself a lot.

Love,
Rebecca