Hey,
So I'm at this point in my life where I suddenly have all this emotional baggage, and it needs to go away, because if it doesn't go away it'll just be like this perpetual net of not feeling good enough to deserve a happy life and keeping myself from good things. I've been through something similar before, and came out the other side a better person, and I am otherwise healthy...I just find myself needing an outlet too often.
I guess the whole story starts a while ago, but I'll start it from about a year ago. I started dating a guy who was agnostic and had gone to church as a kid, but never really had any religious beliefs. I told him that if we were to have a romantic relationship (we had been friends for a few months already), that he would have to attend church with me. We almost didn't start dating because of it, but after he considered it, he understood why I would want my potential husband to share the same faith, and decided it would be worth it to try and learn about Christianity and the Bible.
As we grew closer the next several months, it became more difficult to think about the possibility of him never coming to faith, but in God's good time, he did. We still had some disagreements over it, but he started welcoming more ideas and reading the Bible with me. He talked about how Jesus is the kind of person he wanted to be even before he read about Jesus.
While this relationship was blossoming, a lot of other changes were happening in my life, too. I moved out of a house I lived in with a couple girls, and that was really hard because it was full of amazing memories. I had some bad times in high school with not many friends (more on that later), but living in that house and my life in general during that time made up for all of it. Then I moved into a house that was just a bad fit all around. It was constantly messy and I never felt at home. It was poor judgment on my part to move in, and I ended up having to live in my parents' basement cause I felt more at peace there. On top of that, a lot of my good friends started getting married and moving away. This Christian friend base I put so much energy into building over the last few years (making friends doesn't come easily to me) slowly started drifting away from me and towards their own lives.
Then another huge change came up-- I graduated. I ended up choosing a job in my hometown. I didn't feel compelled to go anywhere else, since I still had family, a few friends, and a boyfriend in the area. However, feeling worn out from my previous living situation, not knowing anyone in need of a roommate, and being able to afford my own place also resulted in me choosing to live alone. At first I loved it, because I'm an introvert and had just spent a whole busy month with almost no alone time since I was living with my family. But over time I felt the emptiness of having no roommates and close friends to make plans with. It brought back insecurities from early high school and early college, when I didn't have much of a friend base and just had to go it alone for a while. I still had my boyfriend, but boyfriends don't fix insecurities. It just put a strain on our relationship, as he grew frustrated over not being able to help me. It eventually got to the point where he started being more stressed than happy and decided it would be better for us to go back to being friends.
So here I am. I'd say I'm more prone to emotional outbursts post-break up than before, as a lot of girls are. Some of them are because I miss my boyfriend and want him back, even though we both know we are not right for each other for a number of reasons, but I know he still wants me too. He's still a great friend that I'd like to keep around for as long as I can, even though I know the friendship will have to fade eventually. I try to remind myself that the most important thing is that he came away a Christian, and that I had a bigger impact on him than he did on me, which is amazing. I could not have asked for more, and definitely didn't expect any of it, so thank You, LORD.
And a lot of my outbursts are triggered by...Facebook. Many girls I went to high school with, the same ones who ignored me, are married and starting families, which is something I want so badly. And those who aren't have other things going for them. I just feel lame in comparison. I know the solution is to not compare, but it's hard to not feel slighted. I fall into the temptation of thinking it's not fair that I went through high school without friends and STILL haven't earned a happily ever after like everyone else, even though I totally know that's not how life, or God, works.
It's not all bad. I try to find things to fill my time. I get out and do things with people often enough, but I still don't connect with very many of them (again with the introvert problems). I know that idleness is the devil's workshop and that a busy mind is good for avoiding depressing thoughts. Even now I've managed to write all this without shedding a tear, which is an accomplishment
It's getting better, and I know I have a long road ahead, but I also know that my happy ending, whatever that may be, will come more quickly once I involve God in my solution, which doesn't happen too often. The biggest problem for me is motivation. Simply reading through the Bible doesn't seem to be enough...does anyone have any tips or recommended reading for prolonged study? I guess I will start with Job, since my story is a far far less tragic version of his Prayers and/or guidance appreciated, if you've gotten this far in reading!! Thanks!
So I'm at this point in my life where I suddenly have all this emotional baggage, and it needs to go away, because if it doesn't go away it'll just be like this perpetual net of not feeling good enough to deserve a happy life and keeping myself from good things. I've been through something similar before, and came out the other side a better person, and I am otherwise healthy...I just find myself needing an outlet too often.
I guess the whole story starts a while ago, but I'll start it from about a year ago. I started dating a guy who was agnostic and had gone to church as a kid, but never really had any religious beliefs. I told him that if we were to have a romantic relationship (we had been friends for a few months already), that he would have to attend church with me. We almost didn't start dating because of it, but after he considered it, he understood why I would want my potential husband to share the same faith, and decided it would be worth it to try and learn about Christianity and the Bible.
As we grew closer the next several months, it became more difficult to think about the possibility of him never coming to faith, but in God's good time, he did. We still had some disagreements over it, but he started welcoming more ideas and reading the Bible with me. He talked about how Jesus is the kind of person he wanted to be even before he read about Jesus.
While this relationship was blossoming, a lot of other changes were happening in my life, too. I moved out of a house I lived in with a couple girls, and that was really hard because it was full of amazing memories. I had some bad times in high school with not many friends (more on that later), but living in that house and my life in general during that time made up for all of it. Then I moved into a house that was just a bad fit all around. It was constantly messy and I never felt at home. It was poor judgment on my part to move in, and I ended up having to live in my parents' basement cause I felt more at peace there. On top of that, a lot of my good friends started getting married and moving away. This Christian friend base I put so much energy into building over the last few years (making friends doesn't come easily to me) slowly started drifting away from me and towards their own lives.
Then another huge change came up-- I graduated. I ended up choosing a job in my hometown. I didn't feel compelled to go anywhere else, since I still had family, a few friends, and a boyfriend in the area. However, feeling worn out from my previous living situation, not knowing anyone in need of a roommate, and being able to afford my own place also resulted in me choosing to live alone. At first I loved it, because I'm an introvert and had just spent a whole busy month with almost no alone time since I was living with my family. But over time I felt the emptiness of having no roommates and close friends to make plans with. It brought back insecurities from early high school and early college, when I didn't have much of a friend base and just had to go it alone for a while. I still had my boyfriend, but boyfriends don't fix insecurities. It just put a strain on our relationship, as he grew frustrated over not being able to help me. It eventually got to the point where he started being more stressed than happy and decided it would be better for us to go back to being friends.
So here I am. I'd say I'm more prone to emotional outbursts post-break up than before, as a lot of girls are. Some of them are because I miss my boyfriend and want him back, even though we both know we are not right for each other for a number of reasons, but I know he still wants me too. He's still a great friend that I'd like to keep around for as long as I can, even though I know the friendship will have to fade eventually. I try to remind myself that the most important thing is that he came away a Christian, and that I had a bigger impact on him than he did on me, which is amazing. I could not have asked for more, and definitely didn't expect any of it, so thank You, LORD.
And a lot of my outbursts are triggered by...Facebook. Many girls I went to high school with, the same ones who ignored me, are married and starting families, which is something I want so badly. And those who aren't have other things going for them. I just feel lame in comparison. I know the solution is to not compare, but it's hard to not feel slighted. I fall into the temptation of thinking it's not fair that I went through high school without friends and STILL haven't earned a happily ever after like everyone else, even though I totally know that's not how life, or God, works.
It's not all bad. I try to find things to fill my time. I get out and do things with people often enough, but I still don't connect with very many of them (again with the introvert problems). I know that idleness is the devil's workshop and that a busy mind is good for avoiding depressing thoughts. Even now I've managed to write all this without shedding a tear, which is an accomplishment
It's getting better, and I know I have a long road ahead, but I also know that my happy ending, whatever that may be, will come more quickly once I involve God in my solution, which doesn't happen too often. The biggest problem for me is motivation. Simply reading through the Bible doesn't seem to be enough...does anyone have any tips or recommended reading for prolonged study? I guess I will start with Job, since my story is a far far less tragic version of his Prayers and/or guidance appreciated, if you've gotten this far in reading!! Thanks!
