Pondering...

[Doubledb]

Ponderings... – 12/30/03
(sry if there r errors.. its late.. i will edit it later or u can feel free too)


Pondering....
Thinking....
God loves us so much, so very much...
Pondering,
Thinking,
How can this be?
How can He love me so much and I love Him so little?
How can it be that He saves my soul,
That He gives me life and I give Him nothing?
How can it be?
How can it be?

Shivering Cold,
Boiling Hot,
Sin stings like pain,
A pain I am addicted too,
A pain that only You can keep me from,
A pain that only my mind can throw away,
When I am close to You,
When I am found in Your arms.

My thoughts not pure,
My mind not right,
I am trying Lord,
To win the fight,
My thoughts not rhyme,
My thoughts not reason,
Nor a great song,
Nor do they seem close to You,
Not as they used to be.

Those days when my mind was on you,
Those days when my mind was pure,
Those days a distant memory now,
I have defiled myself,
I feel unworthy
To come into Your presence these days.

I feel unfit for service,
I know none are prefect,
But I,
Myself feel unfaithful,
Disloyal,
I feel a hypocrite.

I struggle Lord
To keep my mind where it should be,
I find myself dabbling in sin,
Sin that I should not be in,
It seems to consume me Lord,
It seems to take control of me,
And I do not wish for it too,
But it does all the same.

I try this and that,
I sing or pray,
But none of it is consistent,
None of it is how it used to be.

It is so hard to get back,
So very hard to try
And return to where I was,
To who I was,
But even that
Was not who I am supposed to be.

All this seems to be because I do not follow,
Because You tell me things to do,
And instead of doing them I question.

I wonder if it is me
Or You talking,
Fear seems to keep me,
I am frightened to go foreword,
I do not even know what foreword means anymore it seems.

Its been so long since I have felt free,
I feel trapped,
Constrained,
I feel as if I have put myself into a prison,
A prison that I cannot get out of.

No matter how hard I try
It seems that my sin,
That lust is there to meet me,
That just as I think I am getting better,
Recovering from this sickness,
This disease,
That is when I face it once again,
And lately I have been loosing,
Loosing a lot.

I know that I have victory in You,
Through You,
Why do I feel so weak right now,
What is this for?

I need to stop asking these questions I suppose,
I suppose I need to sit and listen,
Sit and desperately seek Your face,
Sit and meditate upon you,
Sit and simply ask You to speak,
And for me to shut up.

I am so worried about a great many things now,
A bit too worried it seems.

It seems I used to trust You so much,
And then when my faith was tested,
When it was tried,
I fell.

Certainly I did not mean to fall,
I did not intend to fall,
But I did all the same.

The reason,
The excuses,
Make no difference,
For sin is sin all the same,
No mystical answer is going to get me closer to You,
I know that,
I know I will have to seek after You as I did before.

Back when I gave You my all,
Back when I had that passion for you,
That passion to always be near You.

Now it seems I wish to be near you
When it is convenient for me,
That is not how it should be,
And it is wrong.

God I feel so lost,
Why is this happening to me,
Why must I struggle so,
I do not want this Lord,
I despise myself,
I hate to think about what I have done,
Of what I have thought.

Of who I was
And who I am,
Of how its so far from You,
And then when I could have got closer,
I went backward,
I ran away,
I went every slowly it seemed for a time,
But then I dove into the sins,
Into that pool of indulgence.

I’ve tasted this sin,
I've tasted life from You,
And the sin is empty

Why did I return?
Why do I return?
I do not want too Lord.
I do not want it.
Help me,
I cry to you Lord,
Please hear my cry,
I feel so helpless,
So dirty and filthy.
I didn’t think I could fall,
From where I was,
I was so sure,
But look,
Now I am here,
I am a paradox.

A Christian who is devoted to God,
And at the same time
Devoted to Lust,
To those images,
To those thoughts
That pervert your goodness.

These eyes,
Which have seen Your greatness and beauty,
And yet have seen and been filled with sin.

These eyes that have seen Your greatness,
These eyes as well see unholy things.

My mind,
My thoughts,
My dreams,
They too were cleaned
And were of you,
But now I have begun to dream of other things once more.

The extent does not matter,
Surely I know I have not gone far at all,
But I do not care,
I have gone far enough,
And it makes me sick.

This is not of You,
And right now I am not of You,
I have not been faithful
Or committed
Or truthful,
What I have been is fake,
Hypocritical,
Useless,
Helpless,
For You,
For your service I have done nothing.

I have been dry and dead,
Liven me Lord,
Return my branch to You vine.

Enlighten me Lord,
Discipline me Lord,
Chasten me Lord,
Correct me and lead me in the ways I should go.

Bless me Lord,
So that I may bless you,
So that others may bless you as well.

Break me,
Break my pot,
Break externals Lord,
Enliven the internals Lord,
Regenerate my life,
Regenerate my soul.

Lead me back on the path of Sanctification,
Back on the path of growth.

I do not want to stop,
I do not want to have ‘enough’ of you,
But I yearn to constantly know more of You.

Please cleanse me,
Tear me apart,
Kill me Lord,
Kill my old self,
Take it away Lord,
Take it way,
It is of no use,
It is of this world,
Make me new,
Completely,
Help me to sacrifice myself,
Help my to crucify myself.

Help me to die to my old self,
Let me give it up for good God,
Let me crucify those sins
Just as Jesus did on that Cross,
Let them be nailed,
They them be gone Lord.

Let me bear with Christ in his sufferings,
Let me hurt,
Let me ache Lord,
Let my blood flow in life for You,
And let my blood flow in death for You Lord.

Let me be a Christian Lord,
Let me be a man for You,
Let me be a solider who serves his mater,
Let me go out into Battle with my armor God,
With Your word,
Let me be proven just in the end,
That my works for your kingdom were many,
That I put off the old and took on the new.

Help me Lord,
Help me!!!

- 'Doubledb'

(please dont take this as your own. And Please tell me what u think or what u struggle with.)

 

[discipleofWORD]

Note: The following sentence isn't an insult
Besides the classical literature, this is the longest poem I ever read. I must pay it's awesome that you kept it all in one poem(i assume this is one whole poem). Because it's kinda long... i just skimmed through it and I could tell your emotions seeps through here. You could take some of these stanzas apart and create new poems.

Er... I'm not sure if I'm saying the right thing. I say this in a form of encouragement. If you want some help getting started on poems, I'll do my best to help you.


Here is a few comments I have for you:
Sin stings like pain,/A pain I am addicted too,
(I like that line~ explaining about sin)

I am trying Lord to win the fight,
(Should there be a comma after Lord?)

I find myself dabbling in sin,/Sin that I should not be in,/It seems to consume me Lord,/It seems to take control of me,/And I do not wish for it too,/But it does all the same.
(Nice way of describing the nature of sin)

 

[Doubledb]

hey DiscipleofWord,

no, ur comments are encouraging. I will have to admit when i put it up it was not edited very well. And a few of those stanzas probably could make small poems. My point in having it all, even though its really long, is to explain the conflict inside myself. I guess i am a very long winded writer and mostly i do it for pleasure. i do it to get things out when a feel a certian way about things. I rarely can sit down and force myself to write, but when inspiration or strong emotions come its like my hand will not shut up... lol. but you have a good idea about perhaps taking some of the strong stanzas and making them into a small poem. i suppose i struggle with taking portions out of the context/poem or taking out some of the authenticty i have written it in, if that makes since? Thanks again

 

[discipleofWORD]

How long did it take you to write that? Did you write it all in one sitting. If so, wow, you were pretty consistant getting all that emotion/feeling out!

Writing poems are pretty awesome... they express the human emotions and makes us more sensitive.

I write poems myself... and I'll tell one of the nasty things about poems. Editing. I mean editing is cool... nothing wrong. But when it comes to editing poems, it takes a lot of energy. Just to edit a poem...and have my friend there is no errors is a BLESSING!

I remember when I started writing poems... I always seek of just writing many as I can and making it "emotional." Now when I look back to those poems, i felt like a foolish child writing those. From experience, I tell you, your writing will be molded depending how much you write.

If you're serious wanting to be a writer, it takes more than writing on the sudden whim or inspiration. You have to actually get your butt on the chair to write. But it's awesome you write these verses... you should have poems focusing on these strong points like I mentioned the last post of what good lines I read.

God bless on your poems~!
Feel free to PM me anytime!

 

[Doubledb]

hey DiscipleofWord ,

Yeah i actually did write that in one sitting. it did take a while but when i was done i was surprised how long it really was. There are times when i will write small poems but not usually. I have combined similar small poems but never separated one poem into smaller poems. And not all my poems are 'emotional' i suppose. Sometimes i do just sit down to write but when it starts to flow, when the words just seem to come it becomes emotional in a since i suppose. I have been writing since like 7th grade and now i am a junior in college so its cool to see how my writing and myself have matured spiritually over the years. And since i have 15 post i can finally put in a link.

http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/oxford/931/my_poems.html

these are some of my poems. most are older, my current poems i have not got on my page yet http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/oxford/931/homepage.html

Later ,
Doubledb

 

[discipleofWORD]

I have been writing since like 7th grade and now i am a junior in college so its cool to see how my writing and myself have matured spiritually over the years.

THat's so like me...except I'm a junior in HIGH SCHOOL. I'm amazed how my writing has matured a lot ever since 7th grade(also i have matured as well...). It just seems so uplifting!