Polyamorous relationships are immoral and should not exist; The notion that there is no exclusivity in a relationship essentially takes away the sanctity of that union and is a rationalization for people to fulfill their deeds of the flesh.
And what kind of an example is that to those around them? What does that say -- what is the point of always giving into other desires and risking relationships in situations that produce jealousy and feelings of inadequacy while setting a terrible example for others around you?
What is the point of doing the easy wrong over the hard right?
Well...I'm not sure where you got the idea that polyamory is easy. Navigating the emotions of multiple people is quite a lot harder than doing the same with one.
Your image of poly seems to be that two people say they are in a relationship, but then sleep with anybody they want, without limits or concern for the wellbeing of each other.
That's not generally what happens at all. Two people can be poly and never have sex with anybody outside of their relationship--in that case the 'poly' label might mean that they form emotional relationships, or do sexual-type activities short of intercourse. Or they might..... infinite options and configurations here.
The point of poly--of most forms of alternative sexuality-- is that it's about building a relationship built on the needs and desires of the people involved rather than on the rules we learned from 90's sitcom-dramas.
Done well, the people involved aren't "always giving into other desires and risking relationships in situations that produce jealousy and feelings of inadequacy."
Those feelings might come up, but it certainly isn't a guarantee, or considered a normal part of poly. It can happen in any relationship, and a healthy poly relationship handles it the same way a healthy monogamous one does: by talking about why somebody bad, when they feel good, what they need, what it's reasonable to expect of their partner.... and myriad other things, and then having everybody involved come to a solution.
When I see my partner with her other partner, though, it doesn't make me feel jealous or inadequate. I like seeing her happy, and he makes her happy, so I have an "awww sweet" response.
How do people even do this, and how are they culturally brought to such a point where this is possible?
Hmm...I'm not sure, really. I certainly wasn't brought up this way (to be fair, I don't identify as monogamous or polyamorous, and I don't plan to pursue either type of relationship as a goal unto itself. I just happen to be involved in a relationship that leans slightly toward poly.)
I think people have started doing this because parts of our culture have realized a few things.
1. Some people just cannot be happy in monogamous relationships.
2. Open, honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
3. A relationship in which the people involved honestly care about each others needs and desires, and seek to meet them, is much more likely to work out than a relationship built on externally imposed expectations about what people "should" want and need.
It is not possible to share such a concept of love as it is inherently going against the concept of what female search for in mates: fidelity that guarantees protection.
It goes against the animal instincts of the female human.
Really? Because my partner and I are both female, and it's working out pretty well for us.
It is a relationship that violates the principles of nature and messes about with our very human concepts of jealousy and human nature, and if we are animals, why should we tread so easily upon some very important things that help define us as humans?
Because we've grown up since the 90's sitcoms, and have realized that jealousy is not healthy. At least, not the kind that turns girls into trophies and boys into raging thugs.
I occasionally have moments where I think "'My Girlfriend' isn't supposed to say/do things like that." That isn't me, though, and it isn't about her. That's the echo of stupid teen movies, and it translates into, "she belongs to me and nobody else is allowed to experience her." Well, no. She doesn't belong to anybody. We're important to each other, so we'll discuss important decisions, but ultimately, if she really wants to do something, I have no right to stop her--she's her own person, not an extension of me. If I don't like it, I can accept it as a side of the relationship that I'm not fond of, or I can decide it's too big for me to accept, and leave the relationship.
To give a quick overview of our relationship and how we work...
She's my first girlfriend (or anygender-friend, my first romantic relationship of any kind), and, being a little nervous about diving into something I wouldn't be able to navigate, I was looking for a somewhat casual relationship. By which I mean, one where it was understood from the start that we probably will never marry. I wanted real connection and emotion, absolutely, but not the expectation or assumption that we'd fall head-over-heels in love right from the start. I wasn't looking for poly, but it's pretty common in my area, so I knew it was a possibility and was ok with -giving it a try,- but as long as it was understood that I might not be able to manage it, and communication was direct, open and honest. My major thing, though, was that I didn't want a relationship where we try to change the others' lives. No "I'll date you if you become a vegetarian," or "if you get rid of that ugly couch," or whatever.
She was coming out of a long term relationship--they'd 'opened' the relationship at the end, just a little bit, but the 'rules,' were somewhat unreasonable and she ended up lying to herself and her boyfriend. One of the rules was that she could date another person, but wasn't 'allowed' to fall in love....not something that can really be controlled. She did end up loving the other guy, and the relationship with her primary boyfriend ended up falling apart, though they're still on good terms.
So, we met up, were really compatible, and she shared my respect for not trying to change other people and for not changing her own life -for- other people. I emphasize this because, the third time we met, she let me know that she was with that other guy--he was a part of her life, when we met, and that's exactly the sort of situation I was thinking of when I decided I wouldn't tell anybody "well, if you're going to be with me, you need to change X." I wasn't about to tell her she needed to get rid of him if she wanted to be with me.
But I wasn't entirely sure I liked the situation, either. We talked about it a bit--I asked some really direct questions to get a sense for what I was accepting, or not (how often do you see each other? Do you have sex?...) and she sort of...asked if I was ok with it continuing. I said that I wasn't 100% sure I was comfortable with it, but I was more comfortable with it than I was with the idea of saying "No, break it off." So we decided that they'd keep on seeing each other--we'd keep on seeing each other, and we'd check in again to see how I was doing. If I ended up not being comfortable with it, we'd figure out how to deal with it, but I promised I would remember I'd said ok, so it would be -my- problem, and I wouldn't blame her for anything if I couldn't manage it.
As it turned out, the more I thought about it, and the more into the relationship I got, the more comfortable I got with it. So the 'check in' conversations have become, "yup, I'm good."
She's not pursuing anybody else, and neither am I, (I'm still wrapping my head about being in
a relationship, let alone trying to manage multiple) but we both see the day coming when that'll change. Right now, the two of us are still sort of new to each other, so tossing other people in the mix would be....really unstable, but once we're more confident in our relation with each other, we might start poking around a little.
Personally, I don't see myself ever trying to manage more than one full-fledged relationships any time soon, but I could see having one girlfriend, and somebody else who was closer to...an activity-buddy, or a "we go on occasional dates" sort of relationship.
She....is easily distracted by new and shiny things, so we'll see how that plays out
In a very objective sense it does not effect those outside of it, but at the same time no man is completely an island and we all have to live in a society; some of us do not want to be confronted with a behavior we deem sickening.
Nazis have a right to march on the streets, but isn't it sickening to you?
That is. But there have been other things I found sickening until I found myself exposed to them, and decided to see what they were about. Some of them I still don't like, but I get why other people do--some I've found I can really respect, even though I don't share the inclinations (incidentally, Nazi fetishism is in that category).
So...yeah, be sickened and leave it at that, or try to understand it--that's your choice. But you don't have much of a right to declare that other people have to structure their relationships your way, or else they're immoral and shouldn't exist.
