Pleasing our husbands

[strangelittlefaerie]

I thought I'd ask a little advice from the married ladies here who've been wives for much longer than I have (all of 3 months!).

I have this desire to please my husband, i.e. cook good meals, etc. If I cook something that ends up being... not so good... I feel terrible!

Now let me clarify, my husband never puts pressure on me to do things perfectly - he's a particular man, but he's also gracious. The pressure comes entirely from myself, which I acknowledge. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really care what people think of her, but I really really care what my husband thinks, so I'm not used to this! (Not to mention he grew up with a gourmet mom who loves to cook, oh great! hahaha, and not to mention I can be a bit of a perfectionist)

I'd love to be able to say that if my meals turn out disgusting, or if the haircut I gave my husband needed a little evening up, that I'd just say "ok!" and take the criticism and be a grown-up about it. And in most cases, I am! But in my marriage, I feel a little like a baby, sometimes. I get down about not doing things great all the time.

My question is: is this a newlywed thing? Will this go away? Any advice for taking the pressure off myself? If you wanna tell me to just grow up about it, that's ok, too. Any thoughts welcome.

 

[Cordy]

I think it is good to remember that husband and wife serve and try to please each other out of love. When the expression of love doesn’t come out perfect, who cares! Your spouse knows you love them, and that that was the point behind what you do. I would rather have a not-so-yummy meal made with love, then a gourmet meal made from a strict sense of duty.

 

[beehoney]

I know how you feel. I can relate. Newly weds are more severely affected, I believe. I was badly stricken in the early months until I realized that he preferred to have a little dust and a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed wife to talk to rather than a sparkling clean house and a wife who was tired all the time. I'm now a lot more relaxed.

 

[alwaysyoung]

I think it is great that you want to please your husband. That will go a long way! Personally, I do think it is a bit of a newlywed thing to be upset over your mistakes. I believe you'll be easier on yourself the longer you've been married. When you are feeling discouraged about your latest "flop", try to concentrate on something that you are REALLY good at and do something in that area so you can also feel the feelings of success.

There are many, many books out there that will give ideas on cooking and making your house a home. I think it is normal to be hard on yourself, but it might be more enjoyable if you try to ease up and laugh more at your mishaps. I'm sure your husband will think you're adorable if he sees you trying so hard...and laughing at silly mess ups. And when you do well, I'm sure that will pay off too! Keep it up!
Much love,
Lisa

 

[strangelittlefaerie]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, ladies!

I definitely want to be the kind of person who can just laugh at her marital blunders...

::tucks away the wisdom::

 

[InTheFlame]

Take this with a grain of salt (it might be useful, it might not) -

Is there pride at the root of this? Are you more interested in what your husband thinks of you, than making sure your husband feels loved and well-fed? It's very important to love our spouses, but performance anxiety is pretty silly, isn't it..?

God bless.

 

[mm1228]

Is there pride at the root of this?

That is a very important question to ask yourself. Otherwise if it is not pride, then I think you will be just fine. It is wonderful to try a please your husband and to make things perfect, but just remember no one person is perfect and all he wants from you is for you to be happy.

 

[Leanna]

When my husband and I got married, I only had a vague sense of cooking and my husband had none. We learned to cook together and that way when the meal turned out questionable we could both laugh and share the "blame"....

I hope he is trying to please you as well.

 

[Katydid]

You know, I think alot of it is a newlywed thing. But remember in Proverbs, it talks about how it is better to eat plain bread in a peaceful home, then a gourmet meal with a nagging wife. (That is a paraphrase of course). I honestly believe most men feel this way though, so please him by being a loving help meet and the rest will come with experience. And you know, I love this one song by Brad Paisley (sp?). He talks about how she ruins a meal, wrecks his truck etc. And those are the times when he falls in love with her all over again. Those little imperfections, are what he calls them, that make her so wonderful. If you were perfect, your husband wouldn't love YOU! He loves YOU because of all those little faults that make YOU YOU!! Just remember that he probably has some insecurities as well that he worries about.




P.S. for cooking, there is a book called How to Cook Everything. IT IS AWESOME! It puts things in a simple enough language that my 8 year old understands it.


P.P.S. When I got married, I got all kinds of Home ec. type books. Stuff for kids and teens, to learn how to do the things that I felt were important in my marriage. I am still NO GOOD at knitting, but my husband LOVES that I work to learn things that I feel make our home nice.

 

[seeking.IAM]

My wife is a great cook. She was a farm girl who started fixing the family's meals in middle school while the big people were working in the fields. But, she is human and humans make mistakes and/or don't rise to their optimal performance on every occasion.

God willing, you're going to be married a long time. You're also going to make plenty of mistakes on your journey with each other, as will he. Tolerate each other's humanity and practice forgiveness. It all evens out.

<><
seeking.IAM

 

[strangelittlefaerie]

Thanks for the continues ideas!

Yes, my husband does try to please me. We actually have a wonderful, mutually-serving and loving relationship which I cherich very much - which is, I think, part of the reason I want to do so well in the things I do for him! He's very good to me, and I want to be good back (which I am, and he tells me so, but it's going that extra mile...).

Pride could be a part of it. As I said, I can be a perfectionist in certain things. Cooking was never one of them, though! It's not that I'm a bad cook, I just don't like to cook that much so I've never put much energy into becoming great at it. Now, though, what I love is the look on my husband's face when he sees (and tastes) what I've made and he's sooo happy. He's a man who likes his food, hahaha! I think I put too much expectation on it sometimes - I imagine how happy he'll be when I bring him his 3 over-medium eggs, and when I break the yokes on them, I feel disappointed. Although even when I break the yokes, he's still happy about what I've made him (wonderful man).

Maybe this really does boil down to a case of the get-over-its!

Hmmmm...

 

[Paladin21]

I can tell from seeing my realtionship progress to a marriage in 3 months she (my wife) will face this problem. What you need to remeber is that your feelings for eachother are very intense at this point, I would not let small things like not cooking right and doing a couple things wrong drag you down. Remebering that beating yourself up does niether of you any good. This is one of the best times of your lives being newlyweds you need to enjoy it!


I imagine how happy he'll be when I bring him his 3 over-medium eggs, and when I break the yokes on them, I feel disappointed. Although even when I break the yokes, he's still happy about what I've made him (wonderful man).

Man I feel you there, I just cooked for my soon to be wife when she was stressing out about school. She wanted some soup (tommato) and I mentioned I liked grill cheese with it and she said that is one of her fav. meals. I then made it for her, I am a 22 year old KID who has been made food by his mom his whole life and has never left the house. Of course I know how to make this kinda stuff but I am sure it was not perfect. She loved it though! I was so happy to watch her eat along with me something that I had made. She said it could NOT have been better, of course I thought otherwise but it really is the thought that counts!

 

[Silent Enigma]

strangelittlefaerie- Sounds like you have a great attitude. Keep that and the details will work themselves out.

 

[LynnMcG]

I think this is a newlywed thing too. I don't think pride is at the root of this. Bless you for trying so hard to be a good wife.

Oh the stories I could tell you of cooking blunders! How about the time we had to soak the pizza off the pizza stone because I didn't season it first. Or the almost crunchy black beans in my chili...oh I could go on. 10 years later, I'm a great cook! And I know this because my entire family volunteers me to cook every holiday meal.

Keep trying. Keep smiling. And don't be so hard on yourself. You can't have a 10 year marriage in 3 months. But you can easily have a 3 month marriage in 10 years. Keep God in the center of your marriage. Keep talking. Keep your life balanced.

 

[strangelittlefaerie]

Thanks for the advice.

Next time I have a kitchen (or other marital) blooper, I'll try to think to myself, "how can this become a humorous situation?" And I know it won't take much for hubby to laugh right along with me!

 

[agyevesam]

I think that it is a time thing. When Chris and I first got married, I would stand over the stove and cry if things got burned ot didn't taste right, but after a while you get comfortable and a little bit of the pressure that you put on yourself goes away. Before you know it, he'll love certain foods that you make and request that you make them. The best feeling in the world!!!! Until that time comes, enjoy being a newlywed. Relax and go with the flow. PS- it's ok to cry, it gets you lots of cuddling!!!!

 

[strangelittlefaerie]

PS- it's ok to cry, it gets you lots of cuddling!!!!

Yes, I've noticed!