please, some advice

[livi85]

hey everyone! i just had a long talk with my boyfriend last night and i could use some guidance/advice...

lately he hasn't been acting like he use to (especially when i first knew him). he use to think drinking was just stupid and now that all his friends do it, he does it along with them. he rarely actually gets DRUNK, its just that his morals seem to have changed. i dont want to bore you with a list of changes but they're along the same lines. nothing really harmful or anything...

well last night we were together and he was just moping around. i kept asking him what was wrong and he wouldn't answer me. he kept leaving the room for a few minutes and coming back. i was confused and trying to figure out what could be the problem. later that night i asked him why his eyes looked bloodshot and a few tears rolled down his face. he explained to me that he's not at all how he use to be. he said he use to be the guy everyone would come to for advice, it was like he has "all the answers" he was very much into youth group and going to church and all that. once he graduated from high school though, he didnt find himself in those groups anymore. we went to a lutheran high school so we got our daily doses of religion classes and chapel every week. he said that it seemed like God was punishing him for not being as close to him as he use to. he use to read the Bible for hours, just because he wanted to learn as much as he could. now he says he feels no emotions and doesn't understand why he exists.

i tried to comfort him and when i said i loved him he just kept saying "what IS love anyway" i tried to answer the best i could but he seemed to have no response. what do you think i should do to help him through? how do i get him back into the guy he use to be and wants to be again??

 

[jcright]

Hmmm...interesting. Personally, I think there are three things you should encourage him to do.

The first thing is for him to find new friends. Not that I think drinking is a sin in and of itself, but the abuse of the drink certainly is a sin...especially if he is getting drunk (if even rarely). Not sure what else he is doing, but I can tell you that he doesn't need friends that are going to lead him down the wrong path, which is what it sounds like is happening. He needs to find some friends that can have fun with without having to conform to the world that we live in. He also needs to find a good Christian friend that he can rely on and turn to when he needs help...sorry, but sometimes it's better/easier to have a guy Christian friend than his girlfriend (no offense!). Please keep in mind, I'm not saying he should ditch his current friends...he should be a witness for them. However, it sounds like they are pulling him off track and it may be best for him to step back for a while until he can be a good witness again.

The next thing I would recommend is counseling through the church. My first thought is that perhaps he is depressed (not a Dr., so don't quote me)...certainly there has been something, or a series of somethings to make him change. He may or may not be aware of what these somethings are, but he needs to work through this problem(s) first.

Third thing is to pray .

Sorry, without knowing the exact problem, I can't even begin to try and give you an exact solution. Hopefully that will give you a good start!

John

 

[livi85]

john - thank you for your advice. most of the guys he's friends with have been around since gradeschool so i know they'll always be around. i dont have anything against them, they're nice - they just need to get their priorities straight and not drag other people down with them. its hard to get new people into the group but theres some people i know might be able to succeed one's even in a christian band so hopefully that'll help.

he does tend to get into weird moods for about a week and then snap out of it magically. maybe he is depressed - i think he wants to feel needed and as much as i try to show him that i need him and his family and friends need him he wants more than that.

thank you for your input - i'm glad to hear a guy's opinion on things. i'm not real sure what the problem is either to tell you the truth. he tends to close up at times like these. i will definately try out your advice and thanks again! God bless

 

[horuhe00]

I also think he's depresed. Ive felt that way before. The suggestions by cjright sound good.

 

[mathias1979]

A couple things. First of all, college can really be a shock to many. They get very used to their lives as they are in high school, then when college rolls around, the suddenly see all this freedom that they never had before. Goes to many people's heads and it can be overwhelming. Perhaps this is part of the problem.

Secondly, try finding a new church group to join together, and make some friends through that. He was in a youth group in high school, so why not join one in college. I know I had a similar situation where once I moved on from my HS youth group, I was reluctant to join a new one in college. And I really felt lost until I did join a new group and regain some fellowship with the Lord and others.

Sounds like he may have also been a victim of pride. Many of us have been there, including myself. We think we know everything there is to know about God. We think we have the whole religion thing figured out. We think we've got great morals and others can learn from us. We think we've got a great relationship with God. But eventually, we get a slap on the face and realize, we don't know it all. We don't have the world figured out. Our morals are lacking and our relationship with the Lord isn't really going anywhere. God takes us from this high and shoots us down. He humbles us. It can be scary, but sometimes we have to learn the hard way. Our spirituality is always evolving. God is always calling us to get closer to him and be more obedient. God never wants our spiritual growth to level off...it should always be growing. This is extremetly difficult at times, and there are still going to be times when we feel like we're on a plataeu (I'm going through that now myself). But the point is, we always need to be making that effort to grow closer to the Lord.

-Matt

 

[desi]

Maybe you should leave him alone for awhile. If hes in a bad mood and you're always around him he may start to associate you with the bad mood...

 

[Jaegang72]

Advice would be:

1) Pray and look around for a good church with a healthy youth group. Then attend both of them

2) Have talks with your boyfriend. Try not to give solutions but give him supportive listening. Let him know you are a safe place to talk to and allow him to unburden his problem.

3) It sounds like he has some condition tearing him from inside. Could be anything from depression to some condition troubling his mind to drinking issues to substance abuse.

Encourage him to seek a counsellor. Church or otherwise.

Good luck. I pray for you both.

 

[Iggster]

Depression. Youth. Starting to question all the things he's been taught by God. Sounds like a rebellion.

I don't need anyone telling me how to go about my life. The last thing I need is to be counseled by someone who has never gone through what I'm going through. I don't need people telling me what to do, what to say, or how to feel about things. People just don't understand me. Why can't you people just accept me for who I am? Is he starting to sound like this? He may not even come to you because he thinks you'll judge him for what he did wrong.

I back slid years ago. And I was lost in this big world. I went through my own years of rebellion where I felt no one understood me anymore. Despite all the evil things I did, I now realize that God still loves me. He still accepted me for who I am.

I suggest praying for someone to counsel him who actually knows what he's going through. If everyone tells him you can't do this, you can't do that, he'll shut everyone out. Pray for his heart to stay open for the Lord and to give him a sense of greater purpose. I'll keep you two in my prayers. I can talk to him if you'd like. Take care and stay blessed.

 

[livi85]

thanks to everyone for the advice! i am definately praying about it and trying to just let him deal with it. he came over last night and was basically mute the whole time. i'd try and talk to him just about his day and the usual things but all i got were short, to the point answers.

does anyone have suggestions on something to do to get him to want to go to a youth group again? its not easy just to get him to go now. i was wondering if anyone knew a step inbetween or anything.

i'm getting scared because he doesn't tell me he loves me at all anymore, even when i say it first. and when we said goodbye i tried to give him a quick goodbye kiss and he wouldn't have it and barely hugged me back. is this anything to truely worry about or is it just part of not wanting any of it for a while??

thank you all for your concern and prayers, i am very grateful for them! God bless you all

 

[jcright]

Hello again...

My first thought is to tempt him with activities that he enjoys. I know, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in, I'll gladly dive into any sport...perhaps he would do the same for events that he enjoys.

Obviously, it doesn't have to be sports, it could be a game of cards, a hike in the woods, working on his car, putting together a puzzle or model, etc. Whatever it is that he likes to do. This being the case, I think I would encourage you to first find a guy that enjoys the same thing and have him invite your boyfriend to participate in these events...hopefully, in time, he'll even go back to the youth group.

As for him not saying he loves you...again, I tend to think, from what you've written, that he's depressed (again...I'm not a Dr. so don't take my word for it!). That being the case, I would think it's just a phase and once he shakes this off and puts God first in his life again, then he'll be back to his old self.

One last thought...perhaps you could talk with one or more of his friends. Let them know your concerns and encourage them to help you bring him back to the Lord. I would do this as a last resort as he may think it's going behind his back...even if it is for his own good. However, it might be worth a try.

Are his parents church goer's? They might be a good source to turn to as well. If they haven't already noticed his change in habits, then a word from you can point it out and perhaps they can help.

I may be clubbing the dead horse here...but I truly think the key here is to get him back on track with God first. The rest will fall into place.

If there's anything I can do to help, then feel free to pm me. You are more than welcome to have him e-mail me as well.

Good luck!

John

 

[mathias1979]

Any idea why he doesn't want to go back to a youth group? He talks about how he feels God is punishing him for not being as spiritual as he should...so what wouldn't he want to go back to a youth group? As for getting him to go...maybe check and see what kind of activities a local group has planned. I would suggest starting off with a social activity within the youth group as opposed to something solely religion based. For instance, if they are going bowling or something, see if he's interested in checking that out. I guess I wouldn't push it on him too strongly though.

-Matt