Please pray!

[Treewolf]

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible, but I need to get this out. I should have gotten this out a long time ago before rock bottom came.

I have an addiction(s) that are idols
I have been struggling with mental health (depression)
I have been struggling with ADHD
I have been struggling finding time to deal with all of this. I have been asking God for the help I need to battle all of this, and I know the nicotine addiction is a stronghold that will not go away until He delivers me from it. I have been asking Him a lot lately for this, but I was scared to death of hitting rock bottom and losing my family, so I actually prayed to God for a heart of repentance before rock bottom came.
I have a heart problem

I have tried to quit my entire marriage but have never been able to kick it for good.

My wife and I have a great relationship, but with any addictions, I have hid things from her, lied to her about nicotine usage and broken trust.

Friday night I had a legit medical emergency related to a new anti depressant. She thought I had self medicated with a hard drug and I think I scared her, she thought I was going to die. I basically lost my motor skills and was slurring, stumbling, etc. She called my buddy that came and got me and I have not seen her since. I had been self medicating with marijuana occasionally late at night when my mind wouldn't slow down. I should have been praying. During the course of this, she found it and was beyond upset at that as well. I'll never touch it again but the damage was done.

I reached out to her for the first time last night (She worked Sat-Monday) so I knew she hadn't had time to process so I waited until yesterday, but she asked me to work on divorce paperwork. She is a strong Christian and we have always said divorce isn't ever an option. I have been holding out hope that she just needs some time, but she will forgive me. Now I am sitting here praying as much as I can at work and trying to hold it together. We have been married for over 20 years (good years) and I know that God works for our good and he would never desire divorce. I know that ultimately everything will work out, but the thought of not having my best friend with me anymore is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

I've lurked on this forum quite a bit but never posted. I am desperate for prayers of reconciliation and that He is indeed sharpening both me and the relationship and we will come out stronger than every (One kid is 19, the other is 16, so sort of a transitional period of our relationship as it is.) I am desperate for prayers for strength and peace as well.

Thank you for reading, I think I needed to get it out. I would greatly appreciate any and all prayers for my relationship with God, my marriage and that Jesus deals with whatever wound I have inside me that has caused all of this pain (addiction, depression) for my family.

 

[beccaaa]

I will be praying specifically for your marriage, for reconciliation with your wife, and for God to bring deep healing to those wounds inside of you. I’ll also pray for strength as you walk through this battle with addiction and depression. God’s grace is bigger than our failures, and His love can restore what feels lost. Stay close to Him, even in the nights when prayer feels impossible.