Please Pray

[Erinwilcox]

The closer my due date comes, the more terrified I am of what life after the baby is born will be like. The kicker is that it has nothing to do with the baby herself and EVERYTHING to do with my MIL.

DH says that she just has empty nest syndrome and that she is used to all of his past girlfriends coming from broken homes (meaning that SHE was the one they all turned to for advice and that SHE was the person that they spent the most time with). First of all, DH is 30 and his sister is 29. Both have been out of the house since college. I'm sorry, but your kids haven't lived at home for years--GET OVER IT! Secondly, I'm sorry that I have a great relationship with my family and that it makes you feel threatened.

Anyway, all I ever hear is "Grandma, grandma, grandma, I'm gonna be a GRANDMA! Did I mention that I'm going to be a Grandma?!?" She is always talking about how we are going to be out there visiting CONSTANTLY with HER granddaughter (they live an HOUR away). In fact, she is decorating a room in her house to specifically be MY DAUGHTER'S room at HER house. She thinks that we'll be leaving our baby with her to babysit and then letting her (MIL) keep her overnight ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help that DH's cousins leave their kids overnight at my MIL's at least once a week.

I'm afraid of her being here all the time, wanting us there all the time, etc. I feel so smothered as it is, and I'm sick of all of the guilt trips, tears, etc. It doesn't help that she's lied boldly to my face and about DH and I recently (and DH doesn't want to confront her about it). I'm really struggling to be nice to her. Even now, whenever DH says something to her about life with the baby that is contrary to what she wants, she pulls the "I've waited my WHOLE LIFE for this, don't try to take it away from me" and then cries and calls DH a bad son.

As it is, my family sees less of us because DH tends to give in to his mother's demands to keep her happy and to "be a good witness" and because she isn't as "understanding" as my mother. My mother and I are best friends, and I feel like she is really going to get the short end of the stick because she isn't pushy and because she lets us live our OWN lives.

Anyway, DH thinks that his mom is being semi-reasonable because he grew up being at his grandparents EVERY weekend. He knows that we won't be out there every weekend, but he doesn't think that she is being that bad. Whenever I say something to him, he thinks that I am making it up. If his mom says something to me, obviously I must have misunderstood her. He thinks that family should take precedence . . . I think that OUR little family should take precedence. He agrees, but he seems to always take his mother's side.

If she asks me something (like to do something with them) and I need time to check the calendar or to discuss it with DH because we already have plans (meaning that I want him to say no for me), she goes around me and asks him. He usually doesn't check with me and then says yes. Once I tell him that we've had plans with MY family for months, he generally finds a way to say that "I've already told my mom yes . . ." It's driving me NUTS!

I could go on and on about things that have happened recently that have me totally stressed and going insane, but I won't put you through that. I"m sorry that this is rambling, but I'm such an emotional wreck right now.

 

[aunt_kelly]

Ugh, I'm so sorry!

MIL situations suck. I feel bad in saying this, but maybe you need to be the one to just buckle down and confront her. She needs to respect that YOU guys are the parents now, not her. She is your daughter, first and foremost. Also, she needs to respect your marriage. Your first priority is to your husband and vice versa.

I will pray that she respect your boundaries as a couple and as new parents, she needs to learn that she will be more welcome if she isn't so pushy.

 

[Erinwilcox]

We did finally confront her together, but I don't think she really gets it . . . I think they blame me for DH's being a Christian (thus a "different person than the one they all knew and loved). At least it's been broached so that things can be said openly in the future. She knows that I'm not easily manipulated, so that's why she goes to DH. I think he's more aware and on guard now.

It made for a kind of sucky first mother's day, though.

 

[Niffer]

That sounds horrid! I know I would feel horribly guilty if my MIL acted this way, even if I knew she was being manipulative.
I'm glad you confronted her though, together with your husband.
Were you able to set some bounderies? How many times a month you see eachother? (as she does live an hour away, thats a big trip for new mamma and baby!)
And make sure your hubby knows not to just "accept" invites - have a rule that when invited anywhere your first response is: "Let me check with ______, and get back to you."

Remi and I have family very close, a 15 min. drive to his and my folks. So we see them a lot, and even though they're not as overbaring as your MIL we need to do the 'check with eachother first' before accepting invites.

But you guys seem to be on the right track! Maybe with the new baby it'll get better, instead of worse, and there'll be more understanding.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Erinwilcox]

That sounds horrid! I know I would feel horribly guilty if my MIL acted this way, even if I knew she was being manipulative.
I'm glad you confronted her though, together with your husband.
Were you able to set some bounderies? How many times a month you see eachother? (as she does live an hour away, thats a big trip for new mamma and baby!)
And make sure your hubby knows not to just "accept" invites - have a rule that when invited anywhere your first response is: "Let me check with ______, and get back to you."

Remi and I have family very close, a 15 min. drive to his and my folks. So we see them a lot, and even though they're not as overbaring as your MIL we need to do the 'check with eachother first' before accepting invites.

But you guys seem to be on the right track! Maybe with the new baby it'll get better, instead of worse, and there'll be more understanding.

Peace,
- Niffer

He knows not to "just accept" invites, but she usually calls him at work (when he's in the middle of something) and then he doesn't think and just answers "yes."

It took another episode of his mother screaming, yelling, and saying horrible things to him over the phone when we were considering not attending yet another family event for him to realize just how bad things were--that's why we talked to them. She claimed that she did it ONLY because this was an important event, but she does it ALL THE TIME for any event that she thinks that we should attend (which would be all of them, lol).

I felt bad for pushing him to address the issue with his parents, but honestly I just could not take any more of it. It makes me so ANGRY to see him on the phone being treated that way and to see how hurtful it is to him (and he's 30 years old--LET GO!!), and all the stress is NOT good for me and the baby or for our marriage.

Let's just hope that his mom remembers our little discussion AND that DH will be able to remain firm with her if she tries to pull any of this stuff in the future. For now, I'm just glad it is out in the open.