Please pray, I'm slipping...

[Shalia]

I feel myself slipping again... that void of the mind, where it whirls too fast and I don't control what I think and barely control what i say and I can't sit still and... I just want to cry. I don't want to be this me. I hate this me. I hate it. But I'm heading there again and I don't want to. I'm so scared. Please Lord, make my meds work this time. I don't want to be manic again, ever. I can't afford to go to the hospital again. I cna't afford more tim e off wrok I can't lose ti like this. I am barely able to pretend I'm holding it toegeter at work today . Lord, make my meds start wroking again, please. Make my mind slow down, please. Take my anxiety away, please. I can't handle this again.

Help me, pleaxe Lord, please. I don't htink I can hold on again. I bare ly held on this summer, I can't do it again this time. Please, please please, don't do this gaing mind, please stay here with me. Please stay here, don't leavve me, don't leave reality, don't leave .

I sti and shake and cry at my desk, knowing what's to come, knowing I'm a prisoner of my mind, losing contorl again, feeling there's whnowahere to turn and nowhere to to find hlep and noway to find pelace. I pray, Lord, I read Your wrod, I reach out to You, I'm begging, please don't do this to me again!!! Please, please, please, please, please, pleaxe, please plesae. I love you, Lord, please take this asway. I don't want to e my mind's prisoner anymore.

I'm terrified, Lord. I can't hae more time like I id this summer. I can't live like this. Ican't. I barelyu survived, You know that. You know the number of times I wanteed to d*e, the number of timesa I wanted to k*ll myself, the number oftimes I lost touckh w/ reality. How can I do this again? Please please please please don't make me do this again. I thought ws done. I so thought I was done, Lord. Please, I beg you, I beg like I'venever ever begted before, please let me be done. I don't want to lose my mind again.

I'm so scared. Please pray for me. I can't live like dhtis for long.

Wow... one Ativan later, and I realize I look like a total idiot. I still would like prayers. I really am scared. I'm desperately afraid of mania, and I'm headed there.

Thanks.

Shalia

 

[KleinerApfel]

God bless you and keep you Shalia.


Susana

 

[Shalia]

Thank you, Susana. back.

Why does it seem like every time I think we hae stuff worked out for meds wise it all gest screwed up? *sigh*

I'll keep praying. Maybe this is just a one day thing. I do do the ultraradian thing. <Any idea how hard i had toconc entrate on typign that? *grin*>

Does anyone else lose typing skills as they get highter?

Shalia

 

[Maharg]

Hi Shalia

Just wanted to say I am praying for you. I have felt really out of control a lot of times, when I have just got worse and worse and can't seem to stop it from esclating. It's horrible to have that feeling of being out of control. Hold onto the truth that God is in control, even when you feel as though you are not. He is holding you in the hollow of his hand.

Much love

Maharg
xxx

 

[jeffswife]

Prayers are being said my dear. I'm on a down cycle but with prayer and my Lord I'll be back.

 

[I'ddie4him]

Hi Shalia,
I have had more problems with the depressive cycles lately than with the manic phases. But, I am there with ya, I know what you are talking about in that little area that things go so fast that you struggle to keep up with your own thoughts. Trying to maintain that level of sanity that enables you to function everyday. 1800 mg of Lithium and 20 mg of Lexapro daily do that for me. It does get tough, But, We somehow hang on to the roller coaster ride from hades and it takes everything you have inside to keep from giving in. You have my support in this. PM me anytime you want to chat or need to vent.

 

[Chickie~Roo718]

I will keep you in my prayers. While I am not bipolar and don't personally know what you are going through, one of my closest friends has the disorder and I know how rough it can get for her at times like this.
And in response to your question about losing typing skills when getting higher, my friend is like that; when I read your original post it reminded me of her.

 

[LostnFound]

Hang tough, Shalia. You know it will pass!!! Just ride the roller coaster and be SURE to contact your Pdoc!!!! If you need to make contact, PM me and I will send you my phone number, or you can send me yours (free nights and weekends! ;-) )

Don't let that black hole KEEP you! One breath at a time!

 

[Genes!s]

I have more trouble with the depression, but the mania is still bad. I will keep you in my prayers, we are all in this together!! *HUGS*