Hi,
So some background, I grew up in a religious group that believes that they are the only ones guaranteed to go to heaven... the only right way. It is not listed as a belief of theirs but it's an underlying current in their teachings and sermons.
As a child I was diagnosed with OCD it started off with unwelcome and intrusive thoughts about sex and hand washing but once I became of age to understand that sex was a natural thing it morphed (as these things do) into a blasphemous thoughts/anti Christ belief.
One night when I was 14 or 15 in the depths of my despair I prayed that if God forgave my blasphemy or being the anti/Christ that I would be a preacher for this religious group if it was his will.
Once I graduated high school convicted by this prayer I asked many times for signs etc that that was Gods will for my life, I only received no answers, or no answer at all.
Some years passed and I felt that I had been answered, my OCD turned to other fears, body dysmorphia and chemtrail fears.
Now I have come full circle and am worried that once again I have to be a preacher for this group. I have also begun to have blasphemous OCD once again.
Most days I wake up either thinking curses to God intrusively or feel that I am outside his will for not being a preacher. I recently woke up on the day of a plane trip sick to my stomach because I felt that god was going to crash the plane. I.e Jonah. I lay awake some nights worried that God is sending someone to kill me.
I also have intrusive vows such as worried about vowing to kill God, (not possible obviously) or
vow away a relationship or something I love.
I have many compulsions, things I say to right the wrongs I think. Such as cursing myself instead of God....can't bring myself to write an example or making counter vows or vowing not to vow.
Also I will stare at the clock and say "if the clock turns to this time or that time right now I have to be a preacher" or " I have committed blasphemy"
One new one and the most damaging is I will pray " God if I have to be a preacher then let my phone get a text when I say "now" right after this prayer, if that happens I vow I will do it but if it doesn't I vow I won't" and I won't ask again.
One time when I said that it did go off with a text, which has sent me into a tailspin..and another time was close
I have said this maybe 15 times today already, and most days are the same. I have even vowed to stop this and have continued doing it
It's like I can't stop, it builds up the anxiety inside me until I can't breathe or think and I feel that it could be god moving me say the vow.
I don't currently take medication. I have gone to a pastoral psychologist who tells me it is not of God and it is "magical thinking" symptoms of OCD but it doesn't feel that way, sometimes I doubt I have a problem at all.
I also have trouble believeing him because he isn't part of the group I grew up in, (he is a mislead Christian) or (believes false teachings) even though he was a priest himself. ( non catholic)
I spend most days feeling like I'm living a lie and feeling sick and assaulted in my mind. I don't know what to do. Is this God speaking?
I don't feel like I know God.
I feel like I have to be a
preacher in this group that teaches they are the only group that is right. And if someone doesn't hear their preaching they may be saved but if
They hear it and don't join the church they will be doomed
I don't know what to do or where to turn. And feel I may even be wrong or going against God for writing this.
So some background, I grew up in a religious group that believes that they are the only ones guaranteed to go to heaven... the only right way. It is not listed as a belief of theirs but it's an underlying current in their teachings and sermons.
As a child I was diagnosed with OCD it started off with unwelcome and intrusive thoughts about sex and hand washing but once I became of age to understand that sex was a natural thing it morphed (as these things do) into a blasphemous thoughts/anti Christ belief.
One night when I was 14 or 15 in the depths of my despair I prayed that if God forgave my blasphemy or being the anti/Christ that I would be a preacher for this religious group if it was his will.
Once I graduated high school convicted by this prayer I asked many times for signs etc that that was Gods will for my life, I only received no answers, or no answer at all.
Some years passed and I felt that I had been answered, my OCD turned to other fears, body dysmorphia and chemtrail fears.
Now I have come full circle and am worried that once again I have to be a preacher for this group. I have also begun to have blasphemous OCD once again.
Most days I wake up either thinking curses to God intrusively or feel that I am outside his will for not being a preacher. I recently woke up on the day of a plane trip sick to my stomach because I felt that god was going to crash the plane. I.e Jonah. I lay awake some nights worried that God is sending someone to kill me.
I also have intrusive vows such as worried about vowing to kill God, (not possible obviously) or
vow away a relationship or something I love.
I have many compulsions, things I say to right the wrongs I think. Such as cursing myself instead of God....can't bring myself to write an example or making counter vows or vowing not to vow.
Also I will stare at the clock and say "if the clock turns to this time or that time right now I have to be a preacher" or " I have committed blasphemy"
One new one and the most damaging is I will pray " God if I have to be a preacher then let my phone get a text when I say "now" right after this prayer, if that happens I vow I will do it but if it doesn't I vow I won't" and I won't ask again.
One time when I said that it did go off with a text, which has sent me into a tailspin..and another time was close
I have said this maybe 15 times today already, and most days are the same. I have even vowed to stop this and have continued doing it
It's like I can't stop, it builds up the anxiety inside me until I can't breathe or think and I feel that it could be god moving me say the vow.
I don't currently take medication. I have gone to a pastoral psychologist who tells me it is not of God and it is "magical thinking" symptoms of OCD but it doesn't feel that way, sometimes I doubt I have a problem at all.
I also have trouble believeing him because he isn't part of the group I grew up in, (he is a mislead Christian) or (believes false teachings) even though he was a priest himself. ( non catholic)
I spend most days feeling like I'm living a lie and feeling sick and assaulted in my mind. I don't know what to do. Is this God speaking?
I don't feel like I know God.
I feel like I have to be a
preacher in this group that teaches they are the only group that is right. And if someone doesn't hear their preaching they may be saved but if
They hear it and don't join the church they will be doomed
I don't know what to do or where to turn. And feel I may even be wrong or going against God for writing this.