Please help.

[Midnite11]

Hello all,
I'm a few months from being 50 and my ex girlfriend will be 45 in a few weeks. I actually feel somewhat foolish for even having to request advise but honestly, I'm at a lost here. We are both divorcees and grandparents. We met almost two years ago, talked for a little over a month before going on our first date. A month later, we begin to become intimate and our relationship grew from there. When we met, we both had been divorced for less than a year after 20+ year marriages/relationships. From the very beginning, she always started how she never wanted to fall in love again and never wanted to marry again whereas I always said that I wasn't going to let my past failure keep me from happiness. During our time together, we did everything that couples did including vacations, meeting families, holidays together, etc. We lived in different states so we only saw each other a few days each month. We would usually pick a weekend to spend together, usually in the mountains or at a lake house. We only had minor disagreements, most times because she rebelled when she felt that I was trying to control her (baggage from her past relationship) however usually we would be able to talk thing out and be great when we see each. However, the last few months we had disagreements every month. Right before Thanksgivings and again right before Christmas. The argument was due to the fact that when she goes to visit her son, she doesn't seem to have time to make any contact with me. I always make time to at least reach out to her whenever I'm with my children or even with my mom. The last argument which broke us up was shortly after New Years. My daughter and grandson gave to visit, I made sure to contact her everyday because I wanted her to be included in my joy and excitement. She make the statement that I should be spending that time with them and she doesn't need or really want to be included. During this same time, it was the winter storm Jonas on the east coast. So I texted her several times during the day to make sure she was safe and that all was well. I admit, I probably texted her 3 - 4 times during the day (normally just once in the morning and then we talk in the afternoon). This time, later that night, she replied, "I'm not a **** child, I have be driving 25 years, I have been working 25 years, this is not concerning but annoying... you keeping treating me like I'm a **** child, let me the **** alone, peace the **** out!!!" After receiving that text, I called... no answer. That went on for a few days and when she finally did decide to call me back, she explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she had been praying and that was confirmation from God that I'm not the person for her and she is not the person for me. She is saying that all she wants to focus on is herself, her family, her career and her spirit. She said that she really wants us to be friends but that is all she can offer. Now as crazy as all this is... I actually do love her. And even believe she loves me as well. I know we have things to work out however I do really want us to stay together. I would appreciate any advise as to how to get her back and how to work this thing out.


Thanks

 

[blackribbon]

Respect the fact she is a grown woman and really does know what she wants and doesn't want....and let her go. You can't make her love you. I think what you want out of a relationship sounds very different than what she wants out of a relationship. Let it go...and at the very least, give her the room to see if she misses you.

 

[Midnite11]

Respect the fact she is a grown woman and really does know what she wants and doesn't want....and let her go. You can't make her love you. I think what you want out of a relationship sounds very different than what she wants out of a relationship. Let it go...and at the very least, give her the room to see if she misses you.

Letting it go and leaving her alone does seem to be the most obvious answers here. If nothing else, to see if there is anything left in her heart and if she misses what we have. I have one other issue. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends. As a matter of fact, she even has it in her mind to call me a couple of times a week, etc. She just don't want the romantic part of our relationship. I struggle with this because obviously, I still love her and want more than just a friendship. However, I don't want to lose her completely and a friendship is all she is offering and by accepting that "friendship" she will never actually miss me. What should I do in this case? Thanks again.

 

[blackribbon]

Letting it go and leaving her alone does seem to be the most obvious answers here. If nothing else, to see if there is anything left in her heart and if she misses what we have. I have one other issue. She keeps saying that she wants to be friends. As a matter of fact, she even has it in her mind to call me a couple of times a week, etc. She just don't want the romantic part of our relationship. I struggle with this because obviously, I still love her and want more than just a friendship. However, I don't want to lose her completely and a friendship is all she is offering and by accepting that "friendship" she will never actually miss me. What should I do in this case? Thanks again.

Being "friends" means potentially watching her date other men...and her discussing how much she likes them. Can you live with this? I would suggest that you consider picking a time frame like one month minimum of zero contact "to let you put your heart back together and change your perspective" and then offer that maybe you can consider being friends. This would give her time to figure out what she really wants and see if she is just feeling smothered or if she really is done with this relationship. For you, I would suggest that you really use this time of no contact to find a way to emotionally let go...to accept that this is over....no idealism or hoping she is changing her mind but really look hard at what this relationship was. We often fall more in love with having someone in our lives than really in love with the person. And even if you are truly in love with her, it doesn't matter if she doesn't love you back the same way...love has to be mutual and on the same plane. It will hurt....BAD....and it will probably hurt bad even after that month but it will be easier to think rationally. Love really isn't that much different than an addiction...it is hard for our bodies to let go of the good feelings we get from it.

During that month, keep busy to fight off the depression that often occurs. Make sure you go out in public on a regular basis whether with people or alone. And spend a lot of time with God praying that he make the reality of this relationship real to you (show you the good and bad sides) and to focus on what you needed to learn from this experience.

Good luck. It hurts like hell to loose someone you were starting to picture a life with. It isn't really so much a rejection of you but a realization that you aren't a "match" concerning what she believes she needs. Love never last if it is built on becoming what another person wants because everyone needs to be loved for who they are right now. God does that. Wait until you find someone who also loves you that way.

 

[dayhiker]

Have to agree with black ....

If a lady says to me to back off ... I back off, to not do so will only conform to her that you are only thinking about yourself and not really listening to her
and what she needs to be whole.

Since your newly divorced, I think it would be wise to have long talks with say 20 or more woman,
enough so you learn how women are reacting to the way you are presenting yourself. This will show
you a lot of things about yourself. Are you who you really think you are?
Are women seeing the good things in you or are you blind to some negative things that you need to fix?

My thoughts.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Hello all,
I'm a few months from being 50 and my ex girlfriend will be 45 in a few weeks. I actually feel somewhat foolish for even having to request advise but honestly, I'm at a lost here. We are both divorcees and grandparents. We met almost two years ago, talked for a little over a month before going on our first date. A month later, we begin to become intimate and our relationship grew from there. When we met, we both had been divorced for less than a year after 20+ year marriages/relationships. From the very beginning, she always started how she never wanted to fall in love again and never wanted to marry again whereas I always said that I wasn't going to let my past failure keep me from happiness. During our time together, we did everything that couples did including vacations, meeting families, holidays together, etc. We lived in different states so we only saw each other a few days each month. We would usually pick a weekend to spend together, usually in the mountains or at a lake house. We only had minor disagreements, most times because she rebelled when she felt that I was trying to control her (baggage from her past relationship) however usually we would be able to talk thing out and be great when we see each. However, the last few months we had disagreements every month. Right before Thanksgivings and again right before Christmas. The argument was due to the fact that when she goes to visit her son, she doesn't seem to have time to make any contact with me. I always make time to at least reach out to her whenever I'm with my children or even with my mom. The last argument which broke us up was shortly after New Years. My daughter and grandson gave to visit, I made sure to contact her everyday because I wanted her to be included in my joy and excitement. She make the statement that I should be spending that time with them and she doesn't need or really want to be included. During this same time, it was the winter storm Jonas on the east coast. So I texted her several times during the day to make sure she was safe and that all was well. I admit, I probably texted her 3 - 4 times during the day (normally just once in the morning and then we talk in the afternoon). This time, later that night, she replied, "I'm not a **** child, I have be driving 25 years, I have been working 25 years, this is not concerning but annoying... you keeping treating me like I'm a **** child, let me the **** alone, peace the **** out!!!" After receiving that text, I called... no answer. That went on for a few days and when she finally did decide to call me back, she explained that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she had been praying and that was confirmation from God that I'm not the person for her and she is not the person for me. She is saying that all she wants to focus on is herself, her family, her career and her spirit. She said that she really wants us to be friends but that is all she can offer. Now as crazy as all this is... I actually do love her. And even believe she loves me as well. I know we have things to work out however I do really want us to stay together. I would appreciate any advise as to how to get her back and how to work this thing out.


Thanks

Here's my 2 cents...

This relationship sounded all wrong to me. She told you she didn't want to ever get married again, while you wanted to get married again. From the very beginning you were both at opposite ends which made it more probable that it was a dead end relationship. When someone especially older tells you they don't want to get married (again) believe them and don't enter into a relationship with them. Although It's not adding up when she said she didn't want to ever get married again but then turned around and said she was praying and God told her you weren't the right “one”. If she doesn't want to ever get married again then there would be no right “one”. So if she sad that then she wasn't being honest with you. Only she knows.

You shared that the two of you became intimate and from there the relationship grew. If (and I do say IF) the intimacy was sex outside of marriage then that was sin and you were outside of the will of God concerning this relationship. You need to repent, bring your body under subjection to the Lord, and seek Him for a godly wife. God will help do this if you really mean it. I'm not trying to be hurtful or mean but it would remiss of me not to tell you so as a sister in Christ. I understand that people get lonely, want companionship, a lover, etc. but God has a standard and He expects us who call Him Savior/Lord to follow it. Just because we're older and have lots of life experience doesn't mean we can do whatever we want. As a matter of fact at this age if we've been walking with the Lord for years, we should know by now that it's always better to obey the Lord. It doesn't mean that things will be perfect or always go our way but it does mean our hands will be clean before the Lord.

Your ex may have felt a godly conviction about the intimacy, repented of it, and had to get out of the relationship because of it. I don't know in her case but I've been there. A Christian might sin but we're not going to be easy with it. We're not going to be at peace with it. When a Christian can no long lie, deny, pretend, make excuses, etc. and they see the sin for what it is then they repent and get out of it and there is nothing and no one that can convince them to go back into that sin. This might be her resolve. I don't know.


The profanity seems like it may have been something to get your attention. I don't know if she tried to tell you how she felt prior, how many times, and you weren't hearing her. What may seem like caring to one person can seem smothering to another. So she may have spoken to you using profanity to jolt you into reality. I'm not saying it's right but it was effective because you finally heard her but to what extent I don't know because you're still talking about trying to get her back. You're still caught up into what you want something to be instead of what it really is. Your ex isn't choosing to be with you and you need to respect that.


You said you wanted to be married again and I believe you can have that but it's either going to be your way or God's way. IMO the relationship wasn't a godly choice. You're making choices out of your flesh. I think you should get alone with God first and talk with Him. Then consider getting together with some mature single Christian men that have been really walking with the Lord, who you can share your heart with. Men that will not condemn you but pray with you and share the Word with you as well as their struggles with their humanity. That way you won't feel so isolated and you can actually lay the ground work for a God honoring relationship that could lead to marriage.


If your ex has truly repented there is nothing else she can offer you but friendship. That's all she can offer any man.