Please help!

[MeantForMoreActs2024]

Hi! So, my boyfriend and I started dating at age 16, we're now 19 and finishing our freshman years of college. I'm at a 4 year, he's at a JuCo. We believe that we are the people God has set aside for us to marry. We have stayed sexually pure over the course of our relationship.

The problem: I HATE college. I feel like it is a waste of time and that God has greater plans for me than just sitting in a class room for the next three to eight years. I want to get married so badly. It's truly the desire of my heart. My boyfriend is my best friend (in a healthy way). It breaks my heart to only see him two hours a week and then have to say goodbye. He is playing baseball on scholarship for the remainder of this year and next year. He's too busy to work during baseball season. Even if he could, we both only have low-hour minimum wage jobs. We just are not in a place to get married and will not be for at least 18 months, but probably two years.

How do I manage this desire? Its consuming. I have even asked God to take the desire away. I don't know what to do..

 

[Dave-W]

Hmmmm... Almost 40 views and no reply at all. Anybody listening?

Sorry for the gratuitous 1981 pop music reference. Welcome to the forums!

First off - congrats on finding your Mr Right. Many or most struggle with that part for years.

But now that you know WHO, you need to know WHEN. And that waiting can be a killer.

There are many who can probably give you better advice than mine in how to deal with the feeling of being all reved up with no where to go. I will concentrate on your attitude in how you look at this desire.

First off - it is from God and it is good. (VERY good actually) The temptation is to look at it as an enemy and start calling what God called good something evil. (I know - I went down that road myself at your age)

Second - If you get engaged and set a date (even if it is a year or 2 off) you will have an end date in sight when this racehorse can be loosed and let to run down the track - something you were born to do. By focusing on that date and what you need to do between now and then to be ready for it (educationally, vocationally, financially, emotionally, spiritually) it will make the time go faster. Otherwise if your mind is constantly focused on how strong the desires are, the time will drag.

Find a young married couple in your congregation that will "mentor" both of you. They can be educators, accountability partners and a shoulder to cry on and pray with when the stresses build up.

Find a good (invasive) premarital counselor to make sure all of both your issues are dealt with BEFORE you come to the altar to say "I Do." Ideally they would also work with the mentor couple to properly equip you for married life.

[edited to remove controversial content]

 

[puregrl]

First of all I agree, congrats for finding your guy early on. It took me 25 years to find the right one for me. What do you feel God wants you to do with your life? What kind of career are you supposed to have? I can say that before you get married is the BEST time to get a degree of any kind. It is very hard to get all your studying and work done before seeing your husband, which has now become priority 1 in your life. It is hard to tell you how to manage your desire to leave school and get married without knowing what kind of career you want for your life.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Just advice here... but I'd hold back on marrying right away. Your 19. Its far to young to marry. I'm in my 30s and in my short life so far I've seen couple after couple after couple marrying that young and most of the time it ends in divorce or with both living in a bad marriage.

Studies show our brains don't really mature enough until 25. Its why when we are young our brains tend to think short term. Hence we tend to get into trouble at times. So people rush into marriage because here not thinking long term or realistically. For example you ever notice as you grow up your views change on things all the time? What you want now, like now, feel now may change again, if no a few more times.

Which is why so many regret marrying so young. Me? I wanted to marry right away and I am glad I didn't because I changed ALOT in my 20s. Who I am now is not who I was then. From what kind of woman I wanted, to what my pans were, to my attitude, to my Christianity...etc.

Though its up to you of course. If you both plan on marrying make 100% sure you talk about it. Talk about EVERY detail. Parenting styles, money, living arrangements...leave nothing out or it might lead to problems later on. Also go get premarital counselling. Many tend to brush it off as like "Well I know we are already, we don't need that!". BUt that is the problem. Everyone thinks they are ready.

As for college. It depends on what you feel inside. I think college is a good way to have a career (something that you enjoy doing forever). As opposed to a job which just means your doing it just to work and survive. But I also realize in todays world having a degree doens't always mean everything.

As for the topic of "MB". Thats between you and God. I see nothing wrong with it in order to relieve oneself of desire. But if you think about the guy your with while doing it. Then it becomes a sin. In that case best just to ignore MB.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Get married. Love will conquer all. Well, it might not be all that easy but it will be something you can handle if you work together.

 

[Inkachu]

Hi! So, my boyfriend and I started dating at age 16, we're now 19 and finishing our freshman years of college. I'm at a 4 year, he's at a JuCo. We believe that we are the people God has set aside for us to marry. We have stayed sexually pure over the course of our relationship.

The problem: I HATE college. I feel like it is a waste of time and that God has greater plans for me than just sitting in a class room for the next three to eight years. I want to get married so badly. It's truly the desire of my heart. My boyfriend is my best friend (in a healthy way). It breaks my heart to only see him two hours a week and then have to say goodbye. He is playing baseball on scholarship for the remainder of this year and next year. He's too busy to work during baseball season. Even if he could, we both only have low-hour minimum wage jobs. We just are not in a place to get married and will not be for at least 18 months, but probably two years.

How do I manage this desire? Its consuming. I have even asked God to take the desire away. I don't know what to do..

There's nothing wrong with your feelings. You're young, you're in love, and you desire to be with your man.

However, this is where it's time to learn one of the major lessons of adulthood; controlling yourself. You two are not in a position, financially, to get married right now. Two years sounds like an eternity right now, but I promise you, it isn't. Stay in school, get your education(s), and you will have a much, much better foundation to start your lives together. Use this time to start planning your future. Start a countdown to help remind you that there is an end in sight. Take pride in your studies and in getting good grades; remind yourself of how your college degree will help you advance in your career and give you job security throughout life. Write letters to each other, send photos, send videos; you can still "share" your day-to-day lives with each other!

 

[Inkachu]

So now to the controversial part. (asbestos suit being donned)

In Song of Solomon chaper 5, verses 2-5, Shulamite is going to sleep. She dreams (or fantasizes) about her man (not sure if they are married yet in the text or not) coming to her room and wanting in. Verse 4 is almost NEVER translated properly. (I am no Hebrew scholar and even I can see it is fudged a LOT) It says "He put his hand by the hole and my bowels were moved for him." There is no mention of a door or latch or handle. The word "hole" is translated elsewhere as a snake-hole in the ground or a body cavity. (like an eye socket) As to "bowels," it meant a strong physical and emotional reaction in the lower abdomen. Next we see HER fingers dripping with something, a very pungent something. In the previous chapter she is calling for the wind to take her pungent aroma (from down there) and draw her lover. Now her fingers are dripping with that.

I see it as she was masturbating. (I am not alone in that by any means) Others do not see it that way, but that may be because we have all been told forever that "the bible does not mention that subject;" or "that is the one sin SOOOOO bad the bible itself cannot even mention it."

Horse hockey. The bible pulls no punches and is never shy on describing sexual sin. The fact it is never prohibited (even though it was part of the Egyptian worship of their gods) speaks volumes. While it is not the biblical ideal of marital sexual union, it seems to me to be allowed, and especially useful in your situation.

I am not telling you to do that; just saying it is an option that you may wish to prayerfully consider. [/asbestos suit]

I'm sorry, but I really, really find it extremely inappropriate for a grown man to be advising a 19 year old girl about masturbating. Like... REALLY inappropriate... please consider editing your post.

 

[Mayzoo]

Think back to another event in your life that you really had a hard time waiting for. Drivers license, first car, high school graduation, 16th birthday, 13th birthday, big vacation, or some other big event. It seemed an eternity then. In retrospect, does it not seems now that it was not as long as it seemed then? Then remember how great that event was when it did get here.

Patience is difficult, but you have accomplished it before, and you can accomplish it again. Building on and recalling your past successes can help you overcome the trials now.

Keep in mind the choices you make now will affect the rest of your lives together. How financially easy or difficult your lives may be etc. An education is not the guarantee of financial success, but it certainly helps. Do you want independence, or do you want to live with and rely on one of your sets of parents? Do you want to be able to buy a house some day soon after marriage, or do you want to just give your money to someone else who owns the house you live in and be totally dependent on them as to the condition of the house you live in (repairs, paint colors, carpet color, etc....). Do you want to live in an apartment where the managers pick how loud and smelly the people you share walls with and how trashy the place looks or do you want to be able to buy a house where at least there is some space between you and your neighbor.

Look up the stats on the number one subject young couples fight about. It is money. A few years sacrifice now can make a tremendous difference in the quality of your lives together and may reduce the years you sacrifice greatly later.

My husband and I planned for our futures, both before we meet each other, while we dated each other and so far, our entire 25 year marriage together. We married at 22 and 27. Because we are educated, willing to sacrifice some things and serious planners, we have bought and paid off 3 houses already and we are now in the house we intend to retire in. We have been here six years and will have it paid off in 3 or so years. We have never earned more than $55,000 in a year because we have usually worked alternately, one at home attending college or raising our child, and the other at work.

You can do this. Your patience and sacrifice now are vital practice for your marriage to come. Waiting is not easy, but neither is marriage. Both require a lot of work. Both are sooooo worth the effort.

Use this time to make sure you have discussed ALL the important subjects you must know prior to committing to spending the next 70 years and raising children with someone. If you have not already, discuss parenting approaches, how many children each of you want, when you want to have them ideally, medical choices for now and the future, religious differences you may have, budgeting, retirement plans, where are you willing to live, where are you NOT willing to live, iron out any family issues you have etc........

 

[Dave-W]

I'm sorry, but I really, really find it extremely inappropriate ... please consider editing your post.

Done.

 

[JohnNess]

From personal experience, I'm not sure I agree with getting engaged yet. My wife and I were virgins until our wedding night. That wait was one of the hardest things we ever had to do, but it was worth it, knowing we honored God and each other and can tell our future children how rewarding sex in God's way can be. So congrats on waiting this long, I know how difficult it is. That being said, our desire for each other increased almost exponentially once we got engaged, and we had only a short engagement. Every couple is different, but I don't know if we would have made it if we'd had a two-year long engagement.
I understand missing the one you love, though probably not to your extent. I know it's difficult, but I think the best thing you can do to pass the time more quickly is to bury yourself in schoolwork, extracurriculars, friends, and your job. Pining for someone will only make time go by more slowly.
As for marriage itself, one of the best things we did to prepare ourselves was to get a notebook and write down what we thought about nearly everything marriage-related, from big stuff (religion, sex, children, finances, rules for conflict, etc.) to small stuff (where to spend the holidays, our idiosyncrasies, etc.). We went into detail, too. For religion, we agreed on the core tenets, agreed that disagreements on the minor stuff should never escalate into a fight, and agreed on how often we'd like to have both personal and couples devotions. And there were other agreements, too.
Going over this stuff in advance and writing it down helps in a few different ways:
1. Though it is important to know this notebook is not some law written in stone, it does help to have a list of mutually agreed upon tenets.
2. There won't be a ton of surprises when you get married. For example, my wife's parents got pregnant with her on their honeymoon (her father already had two daughters from his first marriage), so my wife always thought that people got married and immediately started trying to have kids. I wanted to wait 3 years because I wanted that time with my wife and knew that time would decrease once we had babies. This would have probably caused hurt and confusion and quite possibly a few arguments had we waited until marriage to get it out in the open. You and your boyfriend may find your own surprises when you do this, too.
3. Going through this exercise methodically can help you feel more thoroughly prepared for marriage. Our list started with about ten topics; it ended with 19. It forced us to think about things we'd never considered before, but we have had a wonderful marriage so far. It's primarily because of a strong relationship with God, but honestly, this list has saved us from probably a few dozen arguments and was well worth it.

Keep waiting; marriage to the right person is worth it!

 

[joshua 1 9]

Hi! So, my boyfriend and I started dating at age 16, we're now 19 and finishing our freshman years of college. I'm at a 4 year, he's at a JuCo. We believe that we are the people God has set aside for us to marry. We have stayed sexually pure over the course of our relationship.

The problem: I HATE college. I feel like it is a waste of time and that God has greater plans for me than just sitting in a class room for the next three to eight years. I want to get married so badly. It's truly the desire of my heart. My boyfriend is my best friend (in a healthy way). It breaks my heart to only see him two hours a week and then have to say goodbye. He is playing baseball on scholarship for the remainder of this year and next year. He's too busy to work during baseball season. Even if he could, we both only have low-hour minimum wage jobs. We just are not in a place to get married and will not be for at least 18 months, but probably two years.

How do I manage this desire? Its consuming. I have even asked God to take the desire away. I don't know what to do..

Best way to manage your desires is with more exercise. That will create endorphins that will control the production of the hormones giving you those desires. Whole food high nutrition is always good also.

 

[Johnnz]

Its hard, but you must look long term as well. A good education can be benifical in many ways

John
NZ

 

[ValleyGal]

The problem: I HATE college. I feel like it is a waste of time and that God has greater plans for me than just sitting in a class room for the next three to eight years. I want to get married so badly. It's truly the desire of my heart.

What "greater plans" do you think God has for you? Let's say you drop out of college and get married. Then what? So you want to sit around at home waiting for him to finish college, work, etc, so you can spend a few hours together?

Marriage is a great thing, believe me. But so is college. And those "greater plans" that God has for you - maybe they start with your education. You might not be able to fulfill those greater plans without the education.

I work in career development and we just had someone go through our program who suggested that he should not have to "sell" himself to an employer, or spend all kinds of time in college because he is already intelligent (he thinks). That's just narcissism speaking. In order for him to become the great person he thinks he is, he needs to do the work to become the great person... likewise, you believe you have greater plans, but don't discount the journey to make those great plans happen.

If he is the one you really will spend the rest of your life with, then this time of college, growth, distance, and frustration will only serve to draw you closer together. You will learn to make the most of every moment together, to make it count. You will cherish the memories more. The greatest growth people have is through times of trial...remember, a tree does not produce high quality fruit unless it's been pruned (a painful process). Think of this time apart as the pruning, as you both work towards the same goal of togetherness.