please help

[dacs74]

Hi. I'm just here to see what other normal christians may think of my situation. I don't want to hear from a minister or pastor as i've gotten plenty of advice from them. My situation. To fully understand i must explain in some detail. My childhood was a difficult one, as my family was homeless most of the time. We struggled very hard to stay alive but i did have a good loving Christian Mother. Well anyway. I dealt with a lot of abuse physically and emotionally from my school mates. Picked on and beat up nearly on a daily basis for many years. I was damaged. I developed such a low self esteem that i was so afraid to meet anyone new. I believed that i was no good for anything and i really didn't think anyone would ever like me so i never tried to have friends. Deathly afraid of the the pain from rejection i never tried to talk to a girl, or woman as i grew older. I was completely alone till i was 28. I met a woman online who took interest in me. It was a new and wonderful feeling. I fell in love. Not with the woman but i fell in love with the feeling of being accepted and wanted. Now i was a christian already as i gave my life to the Lord many years ago, but i was not walking in the faith when i met her. One thing led to another and i married her in a very short time. I was in a since out of my mind. So alone and so desperate to be cared for, i would have married any woman to give me a second look. Many of you won't understand this unless you walked in my shoes and you had this utter emptiness. Now after a couple years of marriage i was back to feeling so alone again. It was because i walked away from God to be with this woman, and also the fact that she and i shared nothing in common. I started Going back to church and i dedicated my life to the walk of faith again when i was 30. during this time i made my wife so angry. She hated me going to church and she hated that i wanted to make some christian friends. From age 30 to 33, she cheated on me at least 4 times that i know of. Our marriage was basically over. I got so much counsel from the church and i was told to just keep loving her with the love of God, and i did. I sacrificed so much of what i needed from a wife and i just kept showing her love. Eventually she gave her heart over to the Lord. I was 36 at the time and her 38. Well a few more years pass i was 38 and even tho she and i are Going to church together, praying together and loving each other the best we knew how. I was still very empty. I shared a life with a woman but not the bed. I always had a hard time being intimate with her from the beginning, because i wasn't attracted to her, and believe me i Pleaded to God for so long to give me what i need to feel the Bond and feel attracted or whatever i need to enjoy intimacy with her. My heart started to lust after other women i found attractive. Even in the Church. I hated myself for that and i was so ashamed of my thoughts. I repented time and time again, but i continued to struggle with it. Now here i am one Sunday morning in church we are in the middle of praise and worship. I'm singing my heart out to God, just focused on him and loving Him. All of a sudden I hear the Lord speak to me. he said look at your wife. I open my eyes, turn to look at her and she is just staring at me with what seemed to be like an evil look, or a look of disgust. I then heard .. Leave your wife. It was so real. I spoke to many counselors and my pastor about this and they all tell me i'm wrong. I can't leave my wife and i didn't hear Gods voice. This offended me to hear them say i did not hear Gods voice but nonetheless i took their counsel as elders, and i went on. I started thinking back at all the other times i heard God speak to me and i was trying to compare those times to this time. I felt so certain that My Lord did tell me to leave her. Well to break it down now. After much study of Gods Word and much prayer, and after receiving what i interpret as Signs from God. I leave. I'm now separated, soon to get a divorce. The wife calls everyday telling me how wrong i am. I feel horrible about the situation and horrible for hurting her but im at peace inside with the decision. After her keeping at me for so long i start to doubt my decision. What if i am wrong. What if i didn't hear Gods voice. now im questioning all the other times i thought i heard Gods voice. The scripture comes to mind. My sheep know my voice John 10:27. So now i have to consider. Do i belong to him? am i a child of God or not. I am feeling so sick now. Also i don't know if it even matters or not, but i became her 4th husband and i didnt know till after we were married that she couldn't have children with me because she had 2 then got a tubal. What are your opinions?

 

[dayhiker]

Hi dacs,
Welcome to CF.
I'm so sorry you grew up with so much pain in your life.
I completely understand and find it pretty common for people to have the desires you had growing up, what you experiences when you meet this woman.
I really don't have any feeling about your main question about hearing God's voice and what to do about your life. I do understand about lack of attraction and how that cuts into the desire for intimacy.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If you leave your wife, it has to be because it's what you want and what you're choosing, not because you heard a voice that may or may not be from God. That is a choice you have to be responsible for. What it sounds like is it was a hard decision you didn't want to make and it was easier to do when you could tell people God told you to do it.

If it's the right or wrong answer to get divorced is something only you can know or decide.

 

[dacs74]

If you leave your wife, it has to be because it's what you want and what you're choosing, not because you heard a voice that may or may not be from God. That is a choice you have to be responsible for. What it sounds like is it was a hard decision you didn't want to make and it was easier to do when you could tell people God told you to do it.

If it's the right or wrong answer to get divorced is something only you can know or decide.

Interesting theory you have there, but i am not trying to free myself from guilt by telling anyone that God told me to leave my wife. On the contrary, I wish to Honor God but i also want to live in Peace, and the fact that i have heard from so many self proclaimed christians That i am wrong and i did not hear Gods voice has placed doubt in my mind. People i have trusted to be mature spiritual Believers in Jesus Christ. I question, do they know better than i? Now that i look back at what i am writing. I now preach to my self. It is the enemy who attacks or minds. Causing confusion and doubt. How am i to live by faith if i doubt? Anything that does not come from faith is a sin. I know God Loves me and he knows me better than any man alive, including my self. He knows i wish to follow him, to honor Him and bring his name glory. He knows how difficult my life was with her, and he knows what i can handle. My christian walk was struggling in that marriage, and i could not live up to my full potential and for what God could do in my life.

 

[ValleyGal]

What do you believe about God? Do you believe that the Bible is His authoritative word? What does the Bible say about divorce?

The Bible says that the relationship between Jesus and the church is like that of a Groom with his Bride. So if you want to learn about marriage, look at the relationship between Jesus and the church. Why did God send his Son to live and die among us? It was to reconcile us to the Father. The ministry of our Lord is reconciliation of relationship. We are to continue his work on earth, so what is it we are called to do? Should we not emulate this ministry in our marriages, since that is the nature of Jesus' relationship with us? If you divorce, what message are you sending to the world about Jesus' relationship with the church?

Just something to think about....

 

[louise sheinholtz]

Interesting theory you have there, but i am not trying to free myself from guilt by telling anyone that God told me to leave my wife. On the contrary, I wish to Honor God but i also want to live in Peace, and the fact that i have heard from so many self proclaimed christians That i am wrong and i did not hear Gods voice has placed doubt in my mind. People i have trusted to be mature spiritual Believers in Jesus Christ. I question, do they know better than i? Now that i look back at what i am writing. I now preach to my self. It is the enemy who attacks or minds. Causing confusion and doubt. How am i to live by faith if i doubt? Anything that does not come from faith is a sin. I know God Loves me and he knows me better than any man alive, including my self. He knows i wish to follow him, to honor Him and bring his name glory. He knows how difficult my life was with her, and he knows what i can handle. My christian walk was struggling in that marriage, and i could not live up to my full potential and for what God could do in my life.

Please go to fhu.com you can get good advice there, I promise you.

 

[truthtomenow]

I just wonder about the mind and how it speaks in many ways to us both good and bad. It seems logical if it is speaking in a loving way and doesn't conflict with scripture. Also I wonder about your intimacy issue. Many people struggle with this issue just based on the abusive home environment growing up. I think emotions and empathy play a large role in true intimacy. It is the foundation of the bond of marriage. Have you or can you say that you are able to experience this with others? If not, I'd look into this and figure out if you need healing from the past. Especially if it is something you strongly identify with in your life.

 

[faithinmyself]

Hi Ya Dacs (Cool name by the way)

Its such a hard situation you are in! I believe only you can decide what is best for you. It is so easy to second guess our thoughts and our feelings and what is right vs what is wrong. I mean technically you do have grounds for a divorce..she was not faithful. BUT it does seem like you had forgiven and moved on. Nobody can tell you what you are doing is right or wrong. We can support you the best way we know how and reach out with christian love and be there for you!

I would recommend you, spending time in prayer as God knows your heart. I know when we open our hearts and give the situation completely to him, the answer will follow Be strong and know we are here praying for and with you

 

[iolair]

One question; are you scared of your wife?

 

[EazyMack]

One thing I can say that hasn't been said yet is that I believe stress, feelings, and emotions can cloud our judgment. I'm not saying either way what I think about your situation. I'm also divorced. What I'm saying is, I believe it will become clearer to you, as time goes on and the dust settles, what you should do. You don't have to know the answer right this very moment.

Live your life, focus on your relationship with God. The Holy Spirit will lead you. You will gain clarity eventually.

 

[EazyMack]

One question; are you scared of your wife?

Who isn't?

 

[WithLoveFromAlyssa]

Question: "Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a non-Christian?"

Answer: For a Christian, dating a non-Christian is unwise, and marrying one is not an option. Second Corinthians 6:14 (KJV) tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with an unbeliever.The Bible also says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’ (1 Corinthians 15:33). Having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ.

SECONDLY,

Question: "What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?"

Answer: First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).

One thing we know for sure: not being “happy” in marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark 10:11-12 Jesus said, "A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery." Based on the Bible, we see that people don't have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.

Question: "What are biblical grounds for divorce?"

Answer: When discussing what the Bible says about divorce, it is important to keep in mind the words of Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce, says the Lord God.” Whatever grounds the Bible possibly gives for divorce, that does not mean God desires a divorce to occur in those instances. Rather than asking “is ______ a grounds for divorce,” often the question should be “is _______ grounds for forgiveness, restoration, and/or counseling?”

The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even in these two instances, though, divorce is not required or even encouraged. The most that can be said is that sexual immorality and abandonment are grounds (an allowance) for divorce. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce should only be viewed as a last resort.

Are there any grounds for divorce beyond what the Bible explicitly says? Perhaps, but we do not presume upon the Word of God. It is very dangerous to go beyond what the Bible says (1 Corinthians 4:6). The most frequent additional grounds for divorce that people inquire about are spousal abuse (emotional or physical), child abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), addiction to pornography, drug / alcohol use, crime / imprisonment, and mismanagement of finances (such as through a gambling addiction). None of these can be claimed to be explicit biblical grounds for a divorce.

That does not necessarily mean, though, that none of them are grounds for divorce which God would approve of. For example, we cannot imagine that it would be God’s desire for a wife to remain with a husband who physically abuses her and/or their children. In such an instance, the wife should definitely separate herself and the children from the abusive husband. However, even in such a situation, a time of separation with the goal of repentance and restoration should be the ideal, not necessarily immediately beginning divorce proceedings. Please understand, by saying that the above are not biblical grounds for divorce, we are definitely not saying that a man/woman whose spouse is engaging in such activities should remain in the situation. If there is any risk to self or children, separation is a good and appropriate step.

Another way to look at this issue is to differentiate between biblical grounds for divorce and biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. Some interpret the two biblical grounds for divorce mentioned above as the only grounds for remarriage after a divorce, but allow for divorce with no remarriage in other instances. While this is a plausible interpretation, it seems to come too close to presuming upon the Word of God. For more information, please read the following two articles:
What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?
I am divorced. Can I remarry according to the Bible?

In summary, what are the biblical grounds for divorce? The answer is sexual immorality and abandonment. Are there additional grounds for divorce beyond these two? Possibly. Is divorce ever to be treated lightly or employed as the first recourse? Absolutely not. God is capable of changing and reforming any person. God is capable of healing and renewing any marriage. Divorce should only occur in instances of repeated and unrepentant heinous sin.

Read more: What are biblical grounds for divorce?
What does the Bible say about an unhappy marriage?
What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?
Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a non-Christian?

 

[EazyMack]

Legalism can drive people away from Christ.

Sometimes, we need more grace than law.

You are clearly referencing the truth of the Bible, and I do not deny that.

But... Pharisees used Scripture, too.

Again, I say, something like this is going to take time to sort out. There is no quick answer.