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Beef

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For the past two years I have been through hell and back with my wife. She definately has some kind of mental issues...last feb she checked herself in to a mental hospital, and they thought it was bad depression, our counselor now thinks she has borderline personality disorder...none the less the worst thing is she has very irrational anger. I am not perfect, but she says she was not like this before she met me. I have said some things i shouldnt, like anyone...for example this wkd she cut the cord to my fan because i left it on, and she also cut up my w2 forms due to anger. I got upset, and did end up saying i was going to a lawyer(out of anger), and she didnt like that..now today i have tried to be nice, now she wants a divorce. We seperated for a little while because she wanted to, and ended up coming back together...now she says she wants a divorce. I am very hurt, i have stuck by her through a lot of absolutely crazy stuff..even my family who is Christian think i should leave, but im trying to be a good person...and it just seems like my life sucks...i have always tried to be a good person, and keep getting hammered with this crap. Please offer advice and prayer. She has done a lot, and some may remember me posting about her before we were even married...I feel like im losing my mind.
 

bethrow

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Do you have children? If so, think of them. If not...I would probably get a divorce as well. She sounds very irratic and unstable. The environment sounds chaotic and unhealthy. To cut the cord of a fan because you left it on is just mean...to cut up your W2 forms is even meaner. My guess is she probably was like this before she married you, but she didn't have to answer to anyone maybe or she and her parents were able to agree about things. Marriages cause disagreements and arguments and the only way to get through it is to sit down like adults and talk things out, tell the other person how they feel, and compromise...then kiss and make up. It doesn't sound like you are able to do this. I'm sorry.
Do you still love her? If so, then just take another break and try to make it work...if you don't and you feel she's to violent with her actions and her words then it's best to move on.
 
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technofox

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For the past two years I have been through hell and back with my wife. She definately has some kind of mental issues...last feb she checked herself in to a mental hospital, and they thought it was bad depression, our counselor now thinks she has borderline personality disorder...none the less the worst thing is she has very irrational anger. I am not perfect, but she says she was not like this before she met me. I have said some things i shouldnt, like anyone...for example this wkd she cut the cord to my fan because i left it on, and she also cut up my w2 forms due to anger. I got upset, and did end up saying i was going to a lawyer(out of anger), and she didnt like that..now today i have tried to be nice, now she wants a divorce. We seperated for a little while because she wanted to, and ended up coming back together...now she says she wants a divorce. I am very hurt, i have stuck by her through a lot of absolutely crazy stuff..even my family who is Christian think i should leave, but im trying to be a good person...and it just seems like my life sucks...i have always tried to be a good person, and keep getting hammered with this crap. Please offer advice and prayer. She has done a lot, and some may remember me posting about her before we were even married...I feel like im losing my mind.

I didn't read your entire post, but a few of my friends who were psychology majors thinks my ex-wife has the same problem as yours (borderline personality disorder).

I have been through the same feelings as you have. You are being emotionally abused (its actually called emotional blackmail, but it is abuse none the less). The only way out of this mess is if she gets help with her mental problems. I ended up filing for divorce first, because of the abuse and the on again off again threats of divorce with her. My relationship with my ex-wife damaged me spiritually, physically, and emotionally until one day I just gave it all to the Lord and in exchange G-d gave me peace with divorce. After that the ball was in G-d's court and my conscience was clear. I did everything I could have done to try to save my marriage, but she was the problem by not doing anything on her part to make the marriage work.

So with that in mind my friend, I hope my experience gives you the perspective that you need. I have been where you were at and its a tough hard road to be on. I will pray for you, but please also feel free to PM me and ask any questions. Other than that, if your wife is not willing to put the time and effort to save your marriage, then its not worth it for you to do so, because it will just cause you more misery and heartache than necessary.

I hope this helps.
 
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cutie76

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For the past two years I have been through hell and back with my wife. She definately has some kind of mental issues...last feb she checked herself in to a mental hospital, and they thought it was bad depression, our counselor now thinks she has borderline personality disorder...none the less the worst thing is she has very irrational anger. I am not perfect, but she says she was not like this before she met me. I have said some things i shouldnt, like anyone...for example this wkd she cut the cord to my fan because i left it on, and she also cut up my w2 forms due to anger. I got upset, and did end up saying i was going to a lawyer(out of anger), and she didnt like that..now today i have tried to be nice, now she wants a divorce. We seperated for a little while because she wanted to, and ended up coming back together...now she says she wants a divorce. I am very hurt, i have stuck by her through a lot of absolutely crazy stuff..even my family who is Christian think i should leave, but im trying to be a good person...and it just seems like my life sucks...i have always tried to be a good person, and keep getting hammered with this crap. Please offer advice and prayer. She has done a lot, and some may remember me posting about her before we were even married...I feel like im losing my mind.

It sounds like you're definitely on the fence, one foot in and one foot out of your marriage. Marriage is for better and worse...and this sounds like the worst!

Your wife needs your love and prayers right now, more than ever, more than she'll admit, more than she can comprehend.

Have you talked to her about marriage counseling?

Have you talked to your pastor about this?
 
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suzybeezy

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MOD HAT ON

Thread has been moved from our Divorced or Separated forum to the main Married Couples forum.

Please keep in mind our
Statement of Purpose: Married Couples - updated 3/7/2012
Divorce is not to be promoted in this forum except in cases where individuals are in physical danger. Those who are contemplating divorce due to extenuating circumstances may be able to find support in the recovery forums.

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Ivan333

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Here is my story I married the most wonderful beautiful woman I could ever dream of getting we fell crazy for each other it was to good to be true, as they say. we were just in relationship bliss she was the one who popped the question and got married after 2 months of dating. I felt so alive and thought I had found the one. about 2 weeks into the marriage we had an argument about some trivial thing which escalated into her blurring out foul language calling me several things and engaging me right in my face like a tough guy street brawler would. I reacted shocked and being a short fuse myself i also became irritaded and lashed out at her verbally however to my suprise she reacted with a right hook to my jaw. i had never expierenced something like this in any relationship. After that she made it look like it was all my fault and I had pushed her to her limits. being a sucker for forgive me´s I did ask for an apology and took the blame in order to move forward.This was my first glance of what was to come in our 2 year marriage. i studied Psych. and I knew something was wrong with her many a time I thought could it be depression, bipolar or was it really me? I begged for her to go and get help she would always reply: I dont need help I just need you to be more understanding and give me my space!
I put myself in positions were i was manipulated into taking faults, I went to jail two times due to her violent outbursts that were twisted around to make it seem that i had been at fault.(I had never experienced being arrested or do i have any type of record) I was controled to the point that I had to break contact with really good friends, even visitng my mom was wrong because as she stated i had no buisness going there during the week when I had a home to come to and I must have some unresolved mommy issue.
I experienced a fit were she changed her mood about 5 or 6 times in a space of less than an hour over going to a neighbors wedding. I took the blame for many things just to go forward with our life and started to avoid certain topics, avoid bringing up previous arguments, which was very easy for her, my opinions and my advice became obsolete and idiotic and she was always right. I was physically abused by my wife many a time kicks, punches things thrown at me the last thing she did was she slammed my car keys in my face and produced a big gash, a lot of blood gushed out to her reply: that´s what you get when you [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] me off! sorry! and left the scene and locked herself in our room.
I was always uneasy and was scared of mentioning something that would set her off and I had this gut feeling that she was seing someone else however when i brought it up she would say it was probably me who was cheating and I was projecting my own guilt. there were times when I would call her from work and she would not answer, text and nothing she would call me back after many hours saying why the hell are you checking up on me? or we just talked in the morning? however when i did not txt or call in a day she would also become very upset as well.
I became very distrustful because I have had other relationships where you get the:I just wanted to hear you, or I couldn´t wait to talk to you or the txt saying how´s your day going? After a while I would leave the house after an argument just to avoid the chaos and when i came back all hell would break loose because I had left and had to explain where I had been (almost always with a friend or family) and was accused to have been cheating on her with my female friends that she hated without actually knowing them because she despised the idea of me having female friends because as she said i was married and she didn´t approve of me seeing other women even if they were only friends.
One of her female friends (one of two that I actually ever met) who was our witness at our wedding became very close to me and often would give me little bits of info here and there about my wife called me on the phone to say hi and see how i was doing (I had made her aware of what was going on with my wife) The next day my wife was just frantic and going crazy saying how dare you? what the hell is going on? she had gone through my phone and saw that she had dialed, let me tell you it took about 2 weeks for the dust to settle on that one and she cut off all contact with her friend. when I wanted to talk about it she said it had been my fault because I should have never gotten close to any of her friends(What friends? never met anyone else) Just recently she accused me of cheating and said well go ahead and
f.... whoever you want just like you f....... my friend. wow!
another hard one to deal with was we had this argument and her sister was coming over the argument escalated and she was screamming and pushing me, when i said you know what im outa here her sister was sitting there with her jaw to the floor she said i cant be in the midle of this and my wife chased after saying: Now you see how this Idiot is ruining my life? I immediately jumped in sis in laws, car my wife was paralyzed with anger from my reaction and screamed: Get out of the car and leave my family alone! to which my sister in law reacted: Please the neighbors are gonna call the police! to this day the face that my wife produced that second was... the only thing I can describe is possessed and at the top of her lung screamed at her sister GO F....
YOURSELF TOO! and stormed into the house her sister was shatered and said I have to go i said to her please tell me im not crazy and she said you have been always right, let me go and come to my house in about 20 I dashed in the house and my wife was crying and tried to pick up the fight, she said see what you made me do? I ignored her and left quik. I went to my sis in laws house to find her devastated.
to this day mi wife and her sister do not speak to each other
my wife tried calling her a couple of times with no success
however her sister tried talking to her after a month my wife did not answer stating: Oh now she wants to talk well f..... her
This is just very very sad.
My parents started noticing my stress and would often ask me are you okay? you seem unhappy I have hidden all of these things from them because they are very old and i don´t want to cause them any health problems.I´ts been very painful for me to engage relatives when they ask me what happened? you seem like you got along so good or the give her time things will work out. I left my very comfortable house with brand new everything into a small apartment with only my clothes and some things I was able to take.
The saddest thing is she has a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and she has been witness to many arguments because my wife used her as a shield. I found out through her family members recently that the father is a really decent guy and lived the same situation before he called it quits, when my wife spoke of him as being the most unfaithful, cheating and abusive person ever, should I reach out to him to cope? dunno.
before I met her I was very confident, felt good about myself, was quite the charmer worked out constantly and I have always been a hard worker and pretty good at what I do I was just plain happy. today after 2 months of being separated (due to her not being able to put up with me being so aprehensive and so uncaring and loving as she stated) I feel like these two years have been a true waste of time, energy and emotionally draining. My wife has not been formaly diagnosed since she hates the idea of getting therapy she believes people who need therapy are weak minded however I have been going to therapy with one of my professors from school and after much soul searching and going through the specifics, her family background, reactions, symptoms and recordings i have done of her when we had recent arguments over the dreaded divorce my therapist has indicated it is more than likely she has BPD. the proof is so overwhelming and personaly it just makes sense!
A month ago I asked her to go through the divorce I had set the date and time and she didn´t show up I called and had no answer it wasn´t until the next day her excuse was she had an issue at her daughter´s school however later said she still cared for me and wanted not to work things out but to allow her time to reconcile her feelings on the issue. I have researched so much on improving the relationship and steps on getting resolve so we went out on dates and I would always end up with no resolution and just a bad feeling all around. everytime I would bring up our situation she would say: please! we have been through this, I will not go around in circles, I have told you how I feel and what needs to be said has been said! it´s just damn painful.
I even wrote her a sincere apology letter a few days ago and gave her a beautiful bouquet of roses to see if I could reach out to her, this was Friday, she seemed grateful and understanding and Saturday when we went out she displayed a complete apathy toward what had ocurred the previous day I learned her grandmother was ill so on sunday decided to pay her a visit. To my shock and utter disappointment my wife had given her grandmother the bouquet i had just given her on Friday. this is just too much for me to bear, to me this just doesn´t seem rational behaviour it is very hurtful and painful and if this BPD I feel very sorry for my wife, I truly love her however we do not have children or property that can tie us down, her family members are unaware of this disorder but have expressed all the simptoms of abuse from her and they think that she is just childish and inmature, after this weekend I confronted her and after several hang ups and verbal abuse I told her that i would pay for the divorce and get this done she said yes and that she agrees, I am just so tired and drained! I love her dearly however after 2 years of feeling at fault of being lied too, feeling like a fool I don´t believe I have the inclination to put myself through this any longer (am i being a jerk?) and as much time, effort and emotion I invested in the relationship the uncertainty of her taking a first step towards recovery based on her condition is just too much… I understand this is a disorder however I feel like I am not the one who will help her and I will only end up lossing more time and anhialate my self worth.
 
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