Please help!

[zaksmummy]

I have two problems, one with my 3 and a half year old son and one with my mum, related to my son.

First one - my little boy constantly messes about, this is worst at tea time when we have to threaten and cajole him constantly to eat his food - he plays with the food, he plays with the cutlery, he wont sit on the chair properly facing forward towards his food. Often he will say he doesn't like something without even trying it, we often have to sit there for at least half an hour at the end out out meal all the time saying "eat your tea Zak, sit straight Zak, I'll count to three Zak" and still he wont eat it properly. We've tried being encouraging - this doesnt work, although I will say "good boy" when he does start to eat. We've tried naughty spot and smacking his hand if he continues to mess aboutand not eat, all with little success.

Then there is my mum, she told me last week that basically I need to be stricter with him, and although I can agree with some of the things she says, no matter how strict I am, its not enough for her - she wants him to always sit still and be quiet - which I think is a bit harsh for a very lively three year old to do. To top it all of I've found out today that I'm pregnant and I know exactly what she will say the next time I have to put up with her advice - "when you have another baby, you wont have time to do all this - you need to sort it out now".

The thing is he has never been a good eater since he was born, we had some real problems weaning him and things just don't seem to be getting any better no matter how much encoragaing ot threatening we seem to be doing.

Any advice gratefully recieved

Catrin

 

[Leanna]

If he isn't eating at tea time, which I am assuming is similar to snack time, then maybe he is not hungry and you should send him off to play.

Second, you need to assert you boundary that your child is yours to raise and your mom's presense is welcome as a grandparent but she is not to dictate how he should be raised.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

ok, for the eating. Firstly, that's pretty normal behaviour for a 3 year old. My daughter is just over 3 and does the same sort of thing, and she's always been a good eater. I find she's worse if she's tired (answer: earlier dinner, or a nap/quiet time in the afternoon), if she's not hungry (answer:limit late afternoon snack: ie. nothing after 5pm, and even sending them outside to play before dinner works up an appetite). Other things that we find work are, not eating in front of the tv (too distracting), including her in conversation, let her see us enjoy our food (eg. mmm, yum, mama made a good dinner tonight huh?!, or letting her help with preparing dinner). But basically, he's at a fidgety age, it is probably going to be a bit of a battle for a while...

for your mum, well, thats tricky - because they just can't seem to keep their noses out of it... we should swap, my mum+in-laws all say we're too strict! (they just can't bear to see their grandkids being disciplined in the slightest! lol!)
Perhaps you could try something different with your mum, talking to her personally (daughter to mother) as oppossed to professionally (parent to grandparent). I don't know, something like: I love you mum, and you're a great grandmother. I appreciate your advice, but what I really need is your support while I'm working through being a mum. I'm doing the best I can, and we're doing what we think is best.

 

[Birbitt]

Ok, I'm not sure if tea time is a snack or dinner...but if it's a snack the answer is simple...don't give him one unless he asks. If it's dinner there are several things you might try. first try not giving him an afternoon snack this will help him to be hungrier and dinner time. Second, let him help prepare the meal (let him choose which vegetable gets prepared, have him help whisk cornbread, let him bring you items from the refrigerator, etc), you may also try serving him his meal later in the evening if he's just not hungry at dinner time. Another thing you can try is get him outside in the afternoon before supper for an hour of outside playtime (this will work up his appetite). Also I don't know how much you feed him but remember that a child at that age has a stomach about the size of his fist (maybe just a bit larger) so serve appropriate sizes. (when my children were that age I served a serving spoonfull of mashed potatoes, Spoonfull of veggies, and about 1/4 to 1/3 an adult portion of the meat). Now if all that doesn't work and he continues to play with his food request that he leave the table and go to bed without his supper(once or twice of this and he'll learn quickly to eat his meals and trust me he won't starve).

 

[clycleader]

My son is the same way. He's 3 and sometimes eats like a champ and sometimes plays around and is goofy. I think it's just the age. Personally I don't care if he plays about a bit w/ his food or is silly. HE's only young once and by the time he's a teenager, he may not even want to sit at the same table with me. So I enjoy it. But, I do have SOME boundaries with him. No throwing food, bad language, yelling etc. I do constantly remind him to eat with his silverware and to be careful not to spill etc. Overall I think it's his age. My boy is pretty active for a lil guy too. I know my mom said I was also and my grandpa egged me on to act silly.
About the mom....likesomeone said, it's your child. You set the boundaries. I know, easier said than done. My mom dosen't follow my rules with my boy. But she's the opposite. She has NO boundaries with him and he runs wild at her house. Only young once right?
Good luck

 

[jgonz]

Don't make food an issue. Kids learn pretty quickly that they can really drive mom nuts with food... so don't let it bother you. Send him off to play. In my house, if someone doesn't want to eat what's served, or says they're not hungry, they don't get to eat again until the next meal/snack time.

 

[Neenie1]

Ugh!! I am over mealtimes in this house. My 3 yo hardly ever eats dinner. Drives me batty. I serve it up and she won't eat it. It's gotten to the stage where I just let it go. I can't force her to eat. She tends to eat salad vegetables (which is great so she gets those at lunch most days) fruit, sausages, meatballs, porridge, pb sandwhiches that's pretty much it.

My mum doesn't tell me what to do with her eating, she gets the whole "fussy eater" thing since she had 1 of them. My Mil freaks out about it, and it's so embarrassing to eat meals at their house so I try to avoid it as much as possible. She gives me a hard time about it, so I try to ignore it.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a young child to sit still and be quiet all the time either.

 

[Linnis]

My son is not quite two but he's in feeding therapy for sensory concerns.

He has three meals and 2 snacks a day, evenly spaced through out the day. He only gets twenty minutes, he does not get food outside of these times. If he throws food, I ask him to stop and we say "Food stays on the table" the second time the food is taken away.

Some days he does better if I present one food at a time. When he says all done I clean it away and then present the next food.

I'm assuming tea is dinner.

Maybe more frequent smaller meals would be better.

Give your son a big period of active time prior to dinner. An hour of running around at the park or a walk so tire him out so he has less energy for wiggles.

 

[tiredwalker]

This may sound crazy, but there is plenty of time to learn proper manners and the child is only young once. The table is supposed to be family time more than nit picking time. I say, let the kid wiggle. If he's not hungry, let him play. If he is hungry let him eat and play with his food a bit. If he gets unruly and things start to fly, stand him up and show him the invisible line of the "wiggle free" zone. If he needs to wiggle, he needs to stand outside of the wiggle free zone and get them all out before coming back in again.

Your mom is to play grandmother, not mother (in other words, she's supposed to be fun!). Tell her you will gladly ask for advise when you want to hear it. Otherwise, she needs to be having fun with the child, not inspecting the way he is behaving.

 

[TCat]

Well, neither my now teen or my now 4 yr old have ever been good eaters. I have to stop myself even now from battling over food. They eat or not eat as hunger dictates, it is a battle you cannot as a parent ever win.

We also set the rule as eat what we serve when we serve it or leave the table ad wait till the next meal. No arguement, no fuss, eat it or go hungry. My teen eats well now, but it took a long time. He is lean and fit and still a light eater, my toddler is thin and petite and eats as she chooses but I am done with the battle and neither of my kids has ever starved.

 

[Hadassah]

Don't make food an issue. Kids learn pretty quickly that they can really drive mom nuts with food... so don't let it bother you. Send him off to play. In my house, if someone doesn't want to eat what's served, or says they're not hungry, they don't get to eat again until the next meal/snack time.

That is pretty much what my parents did, and our plan for now for our little one(s).

If you can't sit still/are not hungry -- you are not at the table for food.
I tell JD that when he's nursing at present. If he keeps playing around, the milk bar is closed for business. We will reopen for business when he is hungry again. (maybe 20 minutes maybe an hour)

We had set food times, and if one of us had issues eating, the snack times were removed.

Drinks were placed in a sippy cup, and you could drink IF thirsty, but it was for after breakfast/lunch/dinner, because we had a tendency to fill up on it, rather than food.

My sister was by far the worst for eating at the table. She'd eat like a bird and then want to go play. So, mom kept her plate out and she'd eat off of it here and there all day long -- until she was about 6. Then she started as if by magic or something to just eat at normal times with snacks between.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

I would take it away. If he is throwing food...thats not ok. Give him a warning tell him that he is not to throw food, if he does it again, take it away. Dont feed him until the next meal.

Or, you could try this. If he isnt eating pretend to call someone and tell him that daddy said that he doesnt think that he can eat all of his meat, because he is a baby. I find that a typical 3 year old will say yes I can, so I would counter back with no he said you cant. That usually will motivate them to prove that they can and eat it all. Then give him tons of praise and "call" daddy and tell daddy what he did.

-BTw im a nanny so I have tons of picky eaters

 

[TexasSky]

A three year old is three years old. Your mother is wrong to expect him to behave like a 45 year old. It isn't even humanly possible. Wiggling and even a little playing with food is perfectly normal at that age.

There is nothing wrong with a few comments on politeness. Like, "Oh, wow, what a big boy you are to sit so still," or, "No, Johnny, don't use your fingers for the mashed potatos. You're a big boy now. Big boys use forks." Or better, make it a little game. "Whoever uses their silverware the best gets to pick the bedtime story tonight!"

I get more irritated with parents who ruin meals for entire groups of people by constantly harping at children than I ever get at the children. There are limits of course. If your child is unusually loud, or running around in circles, or throwing food, limits have to be set, but make your limits age appropriate.

Also, give the child more choices, and he'll be less trouble.

Around 2 to 4 years of age a child is learning a little bit of "independence" and the main reason those years are the "terribles" is because of that urge of parents to control vs the urge of the children to "do it theirselves."

If your 2 year old fights you over clothing, stop handing them suit A and saying, "put this on." Instead, hand them Suits A, B and C, and say, "Which one do you want to put on?"

If your 3 year old refuses to eat the peas you dumped on his plate, let him have a "choice." "Would you like the peas or the green beans?" "Would you like a little bit of peas or a LOT of peas?"

Do set healthy limits of course. "No, you cannot have cake now. Cake is only for people who have already eaten food that makes them healthy and strong. Eat some of the healthy food first."

Don't force a child to eat a lot of something they hate. You didn't like it when you were a child did you? You wouldn't like it now as an adult would you? I grew up with the "you have to taste it, today, to convince me you don't like it," rule, and I used that with my own children.

 

[TexasSky]

I would take it away. If he is throwing food...thats not ok. Give him a warning tell him that he is not to throw food, if he does it again, take it away. Dont feed him until the next meal.

Or, you could try this. If he isnt eating pretend to call someone and tell him that daddy said that he doesnt think that he can eat all of his meat, because he is a baby. I find that a typical 3 year old will say yes I can, so I would counter back with no he said you cant. That usually will motivate them to prove that they can and eat it all. Then give him tons of praise and "call" daddy and tell daddy what he did.

-BTw im a nanny so I have tons of picky eaters

I'm sorry, but I really, really, really disagree with your advice. On many levels.

"If he isnt eating pretend to call someone and tell him that daddy said that he doesnt think that he can eat all of his meat, because he is a baby. "

1) You have just lied to a child.
Lying teaches a lying.

2) You have just made his father some kind of mysterious villain who apparently mocks him.

3) You put words in Daddy's mouth that Daddy didn't say.

4) You have MOCKED a child.

I would fire you on the spot if I heard you pull that on a child in my household.

 

[TexasSky]

That is pretty much what my parents did, and our plan for now for our little one(s).

If you can't sit still/are not hungry -- you are not at the table for food.
I tell JD that when he's nursing at present. If he keeps playing around, the milk bar is closed for business. We will reopen for business when he is hungry again. (maybe 20 minutes maybe an hour)

We had set food times, and if one of us had issues eating, the snack times were removed.

Drinks were placed in a sippy cup, and you could drink IF thirsty, but it was for after breakfast/lunch/dinner, because we had a tendency to fill up on it, rather than food.

My sister was by far the worst for eating at the table. She'd eat like a bird and then want to go play. So, mom kept her plate out and she'd eat off of it here and there all day long -- until she was about 6. Then she started as if by magic or something to just eat at normal times with snacks between.

I love your suggestion about the milk bar reopening later. : )

 

[TexasSky]

If he isn't eating at tea time, which I am assuming is similar to snack time, then maybe he is not hungry and you should send him off to play.

Second, you need to assert you boundary that your child is yours to raise and your mom's presense is welcome as a grandparent but she is not to dictate how he should be raised.

I also think this is wonderful!