Please Help!!!!

[kittystorm92]

I have been married for almost 10 years now and my husband and I have been fighting about the same things it seems for years now. I am a Dance Instructor working part-time at the Boys & Girls Club in town, I do not have a college degree, and I have always been involved in some kind of church activities. When my husband and I first got married I was working full time but when we moved he said that I didn't need to worry about finding a full time job so when the Club had the ad for a Dance Instructor I applied and have been here ever since. My husband has never supported me being a dance instructor or anything else that is of interest to me.
My husband has a degree and was working full time, but then decided to change and become a HS Tech Teacher and then went back to school and now has a masters to be an administrator in education. I was very supportive to him in anything he has said that he has wanted to do, even starting a business. He is not the type of person who likes to get up on Sunday's to go to church and it has always been me who has been the one getting us to be part of a church. I grew up Lutheran, but after getting married and moving, and then through my husband's friend who helped coach football at the HS who was also a pastor we became Methodist and I was quickly welcomed and involved with the church.
We have a 6-year-old son who is Autistic and is in a Special Ed program here in town. We have also just recently become members at a new Methodist church due to a problem with the former church and my son. But as members of this new church I have become involved in the Clown Ministry group and also will be involved in the Lay Speakers Ministry since I am a cert. Lay Speaker.
My husband and I had a fight last night where he has stated again that he wants me to get a real job that pays (which I do get paid for teaching) and that he wants me to be home to cook dinner so he can eat before 8:30-9 pm (since I teach dance during the evening when the Club is open, and then on Wed. I have church meetings). He has said that if I wanted to go back to school and get a degree I could but I have not found something that I really want to do full time.
I am trying to keep my family together since I come from a divorced family, but I fear that there is no other option. He has said that it's all about what I want, I want to teach dance, and I want to do the Clown Ministry, me, me, me. Everything that he does is to better the money and that he does everything for his family. I have been dancing since I was 2 1/2 years old and it's really the only thing I enjoy doing, I'm not the type of person who likes to work 40 hours a day 7 days a week and hate my job, I also don't want to have my son be raised by a day care and I try to make sure he has everything he needs. I also had about 2 years of college, but was not able to keep grades up (not a school type person)
My husband is one of these people who once he comes home, sits or lays on the couch and watches TV the rest of the night, does not really do anything with his son, when my son talks to him about what was going on the TV show he was watching, my husband says that he doesn't care, I have to fix his plate with his dinner and bring it to him, I sometimes feel like a maid.
Please help, I need to know if I should make the choice that I feel would only hurt our son, but I am the one taking all the mental abuse from the yelling and fighting. What should I do and whom can I turn too? I have prayed for guidance, but not sure where to turn.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I don't see a single thing in your entire post that would make me suggest divorce to you. Nor if I were in your situation would anything in your post suggest to -me- that I should get a divorce.

Please don't take this the wrong way... but it sounds like you're considering divorce just because the marriage is "hard".

You said you fear there is no other option than divorce. Frankly, there are tons of other options. There's no abuse here, no adultery, no anything that would have me telling you "Run away, wow you're in a horrible situation!"


All I've been able to determine from your post is that: Your husband doesn't spend enough quality time with his child, you have to bring him dinner on the sofa, and he's angry that you don't have a better job or a career or something of that nature.

... and from this, divorce is the only option you see?

How about counselling! How about communicating between the two of you, which right now there sounds like there is very little of that going on... How about -anything- other than divorce.

I'm sorry if I sound a little frustrated here but it really and truly drives me slightly bonkers to see people tossing the idea of divorce around like it was a catch-all solution to hard times. Do you know how many wives feel like -slaves-, not just maids? Or how many husbands -beat- their children and wives, not just brush them off? You're in a GOOD position to fix your marriage, unlike some people who actually put themselves in further danger by sticking around trying to fix a marriage.

Your marriage is far from broken-beyond-repair. So fix it!

The most dangerous thing you can do right now is even -entertain- the idea of divorce. The two of you need to go to counselling if there is actually such a serious problem here that you two can't talk it out... but honestly? The problems you and he are having -should- be fixable through the most BASIC of communication between the two of you If the lines of communication are indeed so damaged that you can't even talk about these things without fighting however, it's time to bring in a third party to help.

Please seek counselling, and please stop entertaining the idea of divorce asap -- and I -am- a divorced individual, so I'm not saying this because I disagree with divorce. I'm saying it because it's true -- you are not in some insanely-bad position to be contemplating it, so put it out of your mind and start thinking about the resolutions to your problems.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

It sounds like he really does care about the money and has changed his mind about you not needing a full time job since you two first got married. You might clarify that with him.... tell him that you don't want to work full time, and that you like to dance... and if you did have to get a full time job, things would change.... I know I wouldn't be bringing my husband his dinner while he sat on the sofa and watched t.v. no matter what kinds of battles ensued... but that's me. I have a major problem with that. Sometimes I bring him dinner, and sometimes he brings me dinner and sometimes we fend for ourselves... I also work too...

I don't think I'd compromise on putting the kid in day care full time (so he's not in school yet?) but something else to consider is if you did decide to divorce, you'd probably have to work full time anyways.

I think that if you approached it in an open and compromising way, clarifying exactly what he wants from you... and clarifying where you stand... apparently he respects having a college degree, but if that's not something that is for you, then I'd make that clear to him and say "hey, this is who I am, take it or leave it".. maybe not just like that, but I don't think you should let him force you into going to college unless you really want to. But if he does push for you to get a full time job and that's what you chose to do, then I'd set some house rules such as "since I'm now working full time as well as you, I will no longer be serving you dinner every day of the week, nor will I be the only one doing house chores, nor will I be the only one cooking. We'll have to split it down the middle or come to some other agreement or arrangement".

I had an uncle who had that slob mentality... not saying your husband's a slob, but that's how I viewed my uncle... he and my aunt both had full time jobs yet SHE was the only one cooking and cleaning and he'd sit and whine about how she didn't cook as well as his mom did (big eye roll on that one). If they are both working full time, or even if one is a sahm, and the other works outside the home, there needs to be equal division of the chores and responsibilities... being a sahm is work too... sometimes work outside the home is easier.... I'd still expect some equal effort on my spouse's part.

HB

 

[kittystorm92]

Thanks for all the advice! My son is in school, he is a 1st grader, but doing 2nd and even a little 3rd grade level work. I did get the main point of the argument this afternoon. It was all about the house cleaning for the most part and having dinner done so he could eat when ever he wanted too if I was at a meeting. Not sure why he just didn't say that last night. His mother is a clean freak, but they also don't have any small kids around, so he expects the house to be clean all the time like his mom's house.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Well, his frustration with your part-time job can be taken one of many ways depending on what your financial situation is. Are you guys struggling financially, in such a way that you finding a full-time job would be a great benefit? Or are you guys fine financially, and it's solely about the cooking?

You guys need a better way to hash out the reasons why you're frustrated with each other, and to try to understand each other, help each other understand, and find some kind of middle ground and/or point of understanding. There needs to be accountability on both sides - his side AND your side. You admit what is wrong and selfish of you, and what you should change, and he admits what is wrong and selfish of him, and what he should change, and you both, as one, work on that together.

 

[LadySaint]

I can feel for you sister.

If your husband wants you to work outside of the home full-time especially, then he should be prepared to help out at home. Just because a person is of the male gender doesn't mean he doesn't have to help out at home. That is just a lazy, selfish excuse to get out of being a good husband & partner in the marriage. Marriage is a commitment to work together even in things that we don't always want to do.

My husband has had to learn lessons on that subject, especially with me having physical issues that keeps me limited on what I can do in the last few years. He was raised in a home that his mom done everything for him and when he moved out on his own, she even went over to clean his apartment and leave food several times a week for him. :duh: My mother-in-law did apologize to me after we were married for not teaching her sons to learn to help out around the house. When we first got married (26 years ago)he told me his 40 hours of work, was harder than my 40 hours work and that meant he shouldn't have to help me around the house. (I disagreed on the level of hard work he did versus my job) I was hurt and was extra tired. I also volunteered in different ministries. My hubby also wanted me to do things like yours such as fixing his plate along with other simple things he could have done himself. A few Godly men help him to see it differently and to show me more love & respect by helping out. He sees now that he should help out to keep the family running smoothly when needed.
Some men are not taught right, on how to treat their wives and the roles each should play in the marriage to keep it flowing.
Even though some in society thinks a wife & mother can be a "supermom" isn't really true. A good wife even though she might have talent to do many different things, must place priorities in her life to keep a good balance. Her family & home should come first and the care of them.
I understand having a "special needs" child. My son was born with several physical and mental needs that I had to give extra care which took more time away from other things. It has and can be tiring physically and mentally. Even thought I wouldn't take nothing for my son, it has limited me at times to do other things and he should come first over things outside of the home and that's ok with me.

I really suggest that you and your hubby sit down with a Godly counselor and work out some of the issues before they snowball into bigger ones. I might be wrong but I sense there's some other underlying problems that come out in other ways. Pray for your hubby to change and be the hubby God wants him to be. Pray that you will have the right attitude through it all and be a blessing to your husband. Be careful not to nag him because they will keep him pulling away and fighting with you.
No marriage is easy and takes work to keep it working. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[kittystorm92]

Thank You all for your help. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had this happen to them. I did find out what the underlying problem was when he came home yesterday afternoon. He was upset about the cleaning of the house, making sure the laundry is done, dinner cooked. I try to clean up the house as much as I can in the time I have, I do laundry on Sunday's and on Wednesday's. Now this past wednesday I went to work in the morning and when I was driving home at noon, my husband's best friend called and asking to borrow the pick-up truck and to go and get some lunch. We are standing up in his wedding in a few weeks. So I went and it took longer then expected, so by the time I got home it was almost time for my son to get home, and if I'm in the basement doing laundry I don't know if the bus is outside or not, when my son got home we had to go to a doctor's appt., then came home around 4:30 pm. Got the chicken ready to cook while I was gone at my Clowning Meeting, then had to burn a CD for the Clowning. Hubby was over helping his friend put up the storm door (which is why he needed the pick-up truck) He came home around 6 pm, I had to leave shortly after for the meeting. I can't really call it a meeting, we are practicing a whole service, doing skits and things, so its not like we are just talking, so our practices are around 2 hours. I was driving on my way home and hubby calls, but has my son talk on the phone to find out where and when I was coming home. Got home and finished getting dinner, brought his plate to him, and then after we ate, I started doing the laundry. He went up to bed around 9:30 pm, I got my son to bed and then came down and was on the forum while I waited for the laundry to get done so I could change the wash over to the dryer and then I was going up to bed, my husband for some reason says that he can't fall asleep until I'm in bed, which I don't see why since when I am not home sometimes on the weekends he sleeps just fine. Doing the laundry at night when everyone else is in bed is like my time to myself. Anyway he came down and was all mad that I was on the computer and that's how the whole thing started. He also has some problem with me being on the forum and talking to you all, he thinks it unhealthy, but I don't have any real friends around that I can call up and talk too. He has a bunch of people to hang out with, I don't so this is like my only contact with other people.

 

[Shown Much Mercy]

You sound very busy! One thing that I have learned is that intimacy in my home begins in the kitchen as they say! This is not an excuse to get rewarded but it shows a spouse that you care and want to help them. When I contribute more in the household it relieves the burden on my wife and is an act of love. I also do it because I don't want to feel like I am just another chore she has to check off at the end of the day when it comes to quality time. If I want that time in the evening or when ever, it starts ealier in the day with me not making her life more stressful. Praying for you and don't give up.

 

[kittystorm92]

Thank You, I was going to add in my post before that my husband's father come to find out did the same thing to his wife before he finally figured out that he better change or lose his family, it also helped that he found his faith and is now an active member in the church and mission work, my mother-in-law still will bring him his meals, but it's not expected anymore I don't think, she also is a clean freak which my husband is used too, but I don't believe that when my husband and his older sister were younger that the house was always spic and span. There house is like a museum, but they don't have kids running around making messes all the time anymore either.

 

[drpepper101]

I'll be straight with you, your husband as more than a few legit beefs with you here. Just from your posts it's clear that your recreational activities always take priority over your house work (which inspite of having only PT work you seem to resent having to do), you refuse to get a real job, and you refuse to go to school to better yourself. I would imagine your husband is tired of having to do jobs he probably doesn't like much while you get to do only the things you find fun. That's not a fair situation. I'd agree, if you have no friends and your only social contact is this forum then that's not a heathly way to live.
Maybe he's not expressing it in the best way out of frustration, but it really seems your husband just wants you to get your life in order. I think a real start in the matter would be making sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table before going to "clown ministry." Just imagine how upset you would be if you found out your husband was skipping work to go do things he found fun.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I'll be straight with you, your husband as more than a few legit beefs with you here. Just from your posts it's clear that your recreational activities always take priority over your house work (which inspite of having only PT work you seem to resent having to do), you refuse to get a real job, and you refuse to go to school to better yourself. I would imagine your husband is tired of having to do jobs he probably doesn't like much while you get to do only the things you find fun. That's not a fair situation. I'd agree, if you have no friends and your only social contact is this forum then that's not a heathly way to live.
Maybe he's not expressing it in the best way out of frustration, but it really seems your husband just wants you to get your life in order. I think a real start in the matter would be making sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table before going to "clown ministry." Just imagine how upset you would be if you found out your husband was skipping work to go do things he found fun.

I really have to agree. Good post

 

[Shown Much Mercy]

Ouch..........

 

[RedTulipMom]

kitty,

first off..HUGGS to you..as i see you have gotten alot of judgments and accusations thrown at you in this thread and not much support.

In every situation there is usually some right and some wrong on both sides. Reading your posts and situation i can see where both you and hubby are off kilter in certain areas. Have you considered Christian Counseling? Maybe learning to communicate better would help?

Just wondering, does your hubby WANT you to go out and work Full Time? Do you financially NEED to go out and work full time? Or is it just that he doesnt like the ministrys and dance you teach because of the times your gone?

As you know i also have an autistic son and i know the stresses and the work that goes into taking care of your child. I think its awesome that your home with him as much as possible. It seems you must be able to afford to stay home or you wouldnt be? am i right?

I am a stay at home mom and love it, and we can afford it and hubby wants me here. It isnt the case in every situation i know.

It seems maybe just a little more organization and routine could solve some of the problems. Make it a priority to have dinner ready. The crockpot is your friend and works well to make meals ahead of time. Maybe change the laundry time to saturday morniings so you dont have to be up too late at night and can go to bed with hubby if that is important to him?? my hubby is the same way, he prefers i go to bed the same time he does, though he dont complain when i sometimes dont. i didnt used to think it a big deal, but over the years i realized that if its that important to him, then i will try harder to go to bed earlier. he has been grateful for that change.

As far as bringing him his plate. First off, why arent you all sitting down as a family and eating? As your son gets older that will become even more important. Dinner time is family time around here. No tv or distractions. We all sit down and eat dinner and talk about our day. Its a wonderful time of bonding. You should consider it. Secondly, its a bummer that he EXPECTS you to bring him the plate, rather than being grateful when you do. As for your part, since you cant CHANGE him..maybe just look at it with a Servants heart and do it for Jesus. When giving hubby the plate..imagine giving it to Jesus..thats really what your doing anyway. "When you did it to the least of my brothers you did it to ME!"

Is your hubby a born-again believing Christian? Do you attend church together? Do you each read your bibles and have prayer time alone and together? I have learned that making GOD #1 in my life and my marriage changes everything and makes things run more smoothly.

God bless you and your marriage, i will be praying for you sister! Hugs!

 

[kittystorm92]

kitty,

first off..HUGGS to you..as i see you have gotten alot of judgments and accusations thrown at you in this thread and not much support.

Thanks Karen

In every situation there is usually some right and some wrong on both sides. Reading your posts and situation i can see where both you and hubby are off kilter in certain areas. Have you considered Christian Counseling? Maybe learning to communicate better would help?

We tried talking to our pastor, but then he got transfered and it has not been an option now, since he will NOT even think about going. I had a hard time getting him to talk to the pastor.

Just wondering, does your hubby WANT you to go out and work Full Time? Do you financially NEED to go out and work full time? Or is it just that he doesnt like the ministrys and dance you teach because of the times your gone?

As you know i also have an autistic son and i know the stresses and the work that goes into taking care of your child. I think its awesome that your home with him as much as possible. It seems you must be able to afford to stay home or you wouldnt be? am i right?

I am a stay at home mom and love it, and we can afford it and hubby wants me here. It isnt the case in every situation i know.

No we do not need it financially. It's true that I could go back to school and get a degree, but I do not know what I want to do and I don't really want to work full time. Working at the Club where I teach dance I seen what happens to the family and the children when both parents work full time and then when they are home together the parents are so tired from working all day and then have to do other things once they get home that they don't have any time for their kids. When the Club used to be open til 8pm everyday, we would have kids there until 8 everyday. The kids would come right from school and be there until 8pm, sometimes even past 8 when we would have to call the house and remind the parents to come pick their child up. I do not want my son to be raised that way or by child care.

It seems maybe just a little more organization and routine could solve some of the problems. Make it a priority to have dinner ready. The crockpot is your friend and works well to make meals ahead of time. Maybe change the laundry time to saturday morniings so you dont have to be up too late at night and can go to bed with hubby if that is important to him?? my hubby is the same way, he prefers i go to bed the same time he does, though he dont complain when i sometimes dont. i didnt used to think it a big deal, but over the years i realized that if its that important to him, then i will try harder to go to bed earlier. he has been grateful for that change.

During this past week, I have had dinner all cooked and in the fridge, so if he wanted to eat earlier all he had to do is heat it up. Not once has he eaten before I have gotten home. He has waited for me to come home and reheat it for him. As for the cleaning of the house, I don't resent it as some have said but I don't think it should be all on me to clean the whole house. If we are supposed to be a family and work together then we both should work on making sure the house is cleaned. I work for 3 hours in the morning 4 days a week, and then teach dance for 12 hours in the evening 5 days a week. In between the morning and evening I have to go food shopping, I do laundry, I do some cleaning, and if I have things that I have to do for dance classes I try to do then as well. I try not to have to do things once my son gets home from school so I can spend time with him.

As far as bringing him his plate. First off, why arent you all sitting down as a family and eating? As your son gets older that will become even more important. Dinner time is family time around here. No tv or distractions. We all sit down and eat dinner and talk about our day. Its a wonderful time of bonding. You should consider it. Secondly, its a bummer that he EXPECTS you to bring him the plate, rather than being grateful when you do. As for your part, since you cant CHANGE him..maybe just look at it with a Servants heart and do it for Jesus. When giving hubby the plate..imagine giving it to Jesus..thats really what your doing anyway. "When you did it to the least of my brothers you did it to ME!"

Well, as for the reason behind bringing his plate to him, his mother does the same thing for his father. He has been brought up that way. As for why we don't sit and eat together is because my husband does not sit at the table to eat, he has never sat at the table even while growing up, so again it is the way he has been brought up. My son has a hard time sitting still while eating anyway so forcing him to sit at the table it just asking for food to be thrown and a meltdown.

Is your hubby a born-again believing Christian? Do you attend church together? Do you each read your bibles and have prayer time alone and together? I have learned that making GOD #1 in my life and my marriage changes everything and makes things run more smoothly.

God bless you and your marriage, i will be praying for you sister! Hugs!

My husband is right now I think in between. Yes we go to church together and he was reading his bible, but has now stopped since for some reason when he comes home everyday from teaching ends up laying down on the couch and takes a nap. He says he's always tired, but I can't get him to go to the doctor to be checked out. He is not one to pray together and if he does pray alone I would not know. I have asked his mother about all this and she has said that everything that my husband is doing now, his father has done. She had this happen to her where she was on the verge of separation and then it hit his father that he had to do some changing or he would lose his family. His father was not one to go to church or be involved in the church while my husband was growing up, but has since then found his faith and now is very involved in the church and mission work. She has said that it's just one of those things that you just have to wait until the Lord finally comes through.

Thanks you for all the support Karen and may God Bless You.