Hi Shannon! I so understand about feeling that fear is the basis that you seek God on. I still deal with that sometimes. A counselor once told me that the two overriding emotions in my life were fear and anger. I used to tell God that I had struggled with the fear over truly being saved for so long, that I didn't know how to be any different. It was all I knew. The fear and doubts seemed to be what I was made up of, so who would I be without them? As far as my thoughts would go, they would seem so deep and intense, yet I felt very shallow as a person. I struggled, and still do, with truly even wanting God in my life. But, I just can't go down that road anymore trying to figure it all out, because I never can figure it all out. My mind would twist and turn so many ways, and I would just be left feeling more hopeless. The thing is, I realize that without God, there is nothing else. I definitely don't always feel like seeking Him. In fact, I typically don't feel like it And I often feel lazy spiritually, but when I look at other relationships in my life, I often feel like I don't measure up there either. I just can't let my feelings run the show anymore. Of course, sometimes they do get the better of me, but they can for those without ocd too. OCD tries to keep us analyzing everything. We know how desperately important it is to know God, so it can really focus on our relationship with Him. My husband doesn't have ocd, but he still often doesn't have the desire to read the Bible and pray. I know what you mean by wanting a relationship with God that isn't based on fear. I still pray to have a relationship with Him that is based on love. The young lady who logs in as "unpardoned one" talked about this is one of her posts as well. I think a lot of it has to do with the way we see God. When I spend time with Him and see Him as a loving Father who smiles when I talk to Him, who gently wipes away my tears, One who loves me more than any earthly father could, then I desire more to spend time with Him. I still do a lot out of guilt, but I'm still learning that He isn't going to shake His head in disapproval, as I often saw Him doing, when I do come to Him. Think of the story Jesus told about the prodigal son. The father didn't scold his son and give him down the road for his mistakes, but welcomed him home with open arms. I've prayed and continue to pray that He teaches me His true nature as opposed to how I've seen Him in the past. Don't give up. I've felt like it so many times before, but God has never given up on me. My thoughts and feelings told me He had, but they lied. An excellent author is Max Lucado. I've been reading one of his devotional books, and it is so comforting. He helps me to see God the way that He really is. You are in my prayers.
Rebecca