Please help - *WARNING Possible trigger

[flowerforever7]

Hi,

I have severe OCD. The cut off limit has come for the time I am staying with the people I am staying with. I have been looking for a job but haven't found anything yet. My Mom and I were talking about the possibility of me staying with someone she knows. (I can't stay with her because she smokes and I have asthma). I have been very frustrated because I want to make strides to fix this tormenting OCD I live with daily, yet, it seems like I am having one situation of instability or another and have to pick up my life and move. At the thought of moving again I got so frustrated and felt anger at God's Spirit for this constant instability, and while I felt anger towards God's Spirit, I had the thought "Get behind me satan". I do not believe the Holy Spirit is satan at all. And I'm pretty certain that I didn't believe that the Holy Spirit was satan in that instance. However, I think I may have been angry at the Holy Spirit and thought of the Holy Spirit as a hinderance to me getting stability. (That is so awful; it really is. I feel ashamed even writing it.) I truly believe I felt angry at God's Spirit for the instability in my life and I think the resulting issue having difficulty focusing on treating this OCD issue because of the instability. I truly believe I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit in this instance. I do want to mention, that my mind seems to have latched on to that phrase "get behind me satan" and I fight it from popping up in my mind. It's aggravating; and I hate this phrase popping up on my head. I have been crying because it feels like there is no hope for me. Jesus speaks the truth when He speaks, and He spoke about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. If this were just an OCD thought, I may be able to say okay, that was OCD. But I honestly got angry at the Holy Spirit and said that in my head when I was thinking the Holy Spirit was hindering me (by not bringing stability in my life). I feel awful and regretful for even thinking about the Holy Spirit that way. Who knows, He may be working stability in my life but I can't see it; and even if He isn't that is no reason to rail the Holy Spirit and say what I said in my head. I was thinking today that I feel like it would have been better if my mother miscarried me, (so that I would have a soul from existing and get to be with God, and so that I would not have lived long enough to be ravaged by the effects of sin). I feel ravaged everyday, from the OCD, my angry outbursts at God, and finally that I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit. It seems like most things I mess up somehow; and I have managed to mess up the most important thing in existence to me; my relationship with God. I feel vile. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Please don't speak words to tell me not to worry about it, I know what I have done, and I prefer to live within reality rather than try to comfort myself with soothing words from others if I will be condemned because of the sin I committed against God's Spirit. Any thing you want to contribute that first considers what I wrote, and then takes an honest God-sided approach to it, would be preferred.

Thanks for any insight you choose to provide. Prayers or petitions up to God for my salvation, and that no one would stumble by reading this post are appreciated too.

Thanks.

 

[dabro]

Look your here for a purpose. We know that. Your mother gave birth to you Cos God wanted you to experience this life. Now it's Okay get angry at the Holy Spirit. Blow up the obsession tell it's just plan scared of you. I know that I may have made you spike but this is the true treatment that helps us overcome OCD. Not reassurance. I'll be praying for you. This time will pass. We have to go thru these trials to get a better understanding of how to cope. Luv Ya stay safe.

 

[flowerforever7]

I understand what you're saying. However this was an instance of me being truly angry at God's Spirit, and truly saying those words in my mind in response to feeling like the Holy Spirit was hindering me from being in a stable situation. This is very different from some OCD episodes I have where I have blasphemous thoughts that just pop into my mind.

 

[dabro]

It still the same because your firing back already but thats just assurance.

 

[tripletiger1200]

The Holy Spirit is the source of peace, comfort, and joy in your life as a Christian. I understand the frustration, but the thing you lashed out against wasn't the Holy Spirit. He is good, He isn't a hindrance at all. So if you weren't lashing out at Him but at something else, don't you think He knows that?

 

[flowerforever7]

Yes, the Holy Spirit is good, and I know that. But in that moment in my frustration I got angry at the Holy Spirit because I thought He was not helping me get out of this situation so that I can attend to the OCD. I was angry at the Holy Spirit and thought He was being a hinderance in my life because of not creating stability so that I can work on treating OCD more intensively. I feel bad because outside of that moment I know the Holy Spirit is not a hinderance, and I want Him to hinder me from what is bad, but I know He does not hinder from good. I feel bad for in that moment thinking He was hindering me from good, and hate what I said to Him in my mind in my anger (which is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit).

Also, just want to report some of God's blessings: the people I am staying with are going to let me stay one more week; and I have come to peace about whether I will be staying her or going back, seeing both options as gifts from God.

Your prayers are appreciated; thank you for offering any up to God, especially for my salvation in spite of this incident.

 

[kaykay9.0]

How Tender Is God’s Heart Toward You
http://www.josephprinceonline.com/2012/05/how-tender-is-god%E2%80%99s-heart-toward-you/
Today's devotion from Joseph Prince might be helpful for you to read regarding this, Flower. And some of the rest of you, too.

 

[NewSoul]

I'll be praying for you Flower, this is also a very sensitive issue for me. I also suffer these kind of thoughts, thoughts against Holy Spirit I don't want and then getting angry at the Holy Spirit because of Jesus's words in the Bible and then thinking I'm Unforgiveable and that I meant all of it. Looking back later I know I did not mean it and that I was not really angry with the Holy Spirit but with these thoughts, with myself and the frustration and my thinking that I'm going to Hell which tormented me so much that it is actually was like a HELL to me.

Recently I was convinced that I did blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Yet again I checked all the websites in this regard and came across this site. After reading some of the posts here I actually realized that there are other people struggling with the same issues as I did for years. My parents have never understood my "weird" thoughts. They told me simply to stop thinking them. They did not understand that the more I tried to stop them the worse it got. I thought I was doomed to hell until God directed me to this site. The more posts I read the more I recognized myself. I believed the Devil's lies that I was the only one all these years!