Please help, my husband has aspergers.

[KimmyO]

It is hard marrying quickly, I know since I did too. Then we really don't get to know them before the commitment. I am glad he is a Christian, mine still isn't after 38 yrs. Still waiting and praying.
Wow, so hard to deal with, having a child with severe heart issues and surgeries! As frustrating as it is that he is unemotional at best and critical also, it is who he is and you can't change him. =( I would say find your fulfillment in other people and ways, look for close, nonjudgmental friends that you can get emotional feedback from, and better communication. Stop expecting it from him, he can't give it obviously. Don't do things for him that he just doesn't get, do things for you that you love and find your own satisfaction in, like decorating... Get involved in things you love doing and find joy there. Expectations can really ruin reality. I recently went on my own road trip for 3 weeks to see people I love and places I found along the way. I would have loved my hubby w me but that would have ruined it anyway and he works too much, so I enjoyed it by myself. Also, I do things w friends that he won't do w me, and I volunteer. Sometimes when we are too available, they take advantage, so it is good to have them wonder what we are up to, sort of. Not like affair or anything but just be busy and improving you for you, you might actually find him asking and interested. They love the chase, anyway.
He probably has no idea how to deal w emotions and avoids them and you when you show them at all cost. Sad that he isn't there for you that way, but we can't change people. Another thing that helped me is taking magnesium malate and ginseng, they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around. Best to you, praying for you and I know that God has much joy in store for you! =)

 

[Southernscotty]

Thank you for replying, how would I get free Christian counseling?

Hi, There are free christian counselors listed locally here, I assume they are everywhere? Find someone trained by the American Biblical counseling Association or such and they should really help :]
Do a google search of your area?

 

[Dana cheryl]

It is hard marrying quickly, I know since I did too. Then we really don't get to know them before the commitment. I am glad he is a Christian, mine still isn't after 38 yrs. Still waiting and praying.
Wow, so hard to deal with, having a child with severe heart issues and surgeries! As frustrating as it is that he is unemotional at best and critical also, it is who he is and you can't change him. =( I would say find your fulfillment in other people and ways, look for close, nonjudgmental friends that you can get emotional feedback from, and better communication. Stop expecting it from him, he can't give it obviously. Don't do things for him that he just doesn't get, do things for you that you love and find your own satisfaction in, like decorating... Get involved in things you love doing and find joy there. Expectations can really ruin reality. I recently went on my own road trip for 3 weeks to see people I love and places I found along the way. I would have loved my hubby w me but that would have ruined it anyway and he works too much, so I enjoyed it by myself. Also, I do things w friends that he won't do w me, and I volunteer. Sometimes when we are too available, they take advantage, so it is good to have them wonder what we are up to, sort of. Not like affair or anything but just be busy and improving you for you, you might actually find him asking and interested. They love the chase, anyway.
He probably has no idea how to deal w emotions and avoids them and you when you show them at all cost. Sad that he isn't there for you that way, but we can't change people. Another thing that helped me is taking magnesium malate and ginseng, they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around. Best to you, praying for you and I know that God has much joy in store for you! =)

 

[Dana cheryl]

Thank you so much, KimmyO! It helps so much to hear from people like you that understand. I do work part time at an assisted living place. I was looking for volunteer, but it turned into a part time job with activities. I also struggle terribly with a chronic illness. It stops me from doing so many things that I want to do for other people. Thank you for your prayers! Prayers to you as well!

 

[trulycommitted]

I am brand new to this forum. I am hoping to just find someone that understands my situation and doesn't tell me that what I've been dealing with for 23 years is normal. And that my husband is just like every other man that has a problem with sharing his feelings and emotions. At the moment I am such a state of utter darkness and loss of hope, I just did a search on google and that's how I found this forum. It makes it so much harder when there isn't one person that understands how I feel. If I start explaining the issues to one of my Christian friends, they just don't get it. They always end up telling me that maybe I should look at myself and see how God needs to work on me through this.

I was not aware of my husbands disorder when I first married him in 1995. One of the reasons is because we married after only knowing each other for two months. The first two years of our marriage was more focused on relocating from Southern California, and then after that I became pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness I have had in my marriage. Our daughter was born with a very severe heart defect and needed to have two open heart surgeries. During the entire time of my stressful pregnancy, since I did know that I would be having a daughter with tricuspid atresia, and through two painful surgeries, my husband was emotionally tuned out, acting as if nothing was happening and all of this was something normal to go through. This and many other signs caused me to be confused and I was just left alone to deal with all of it. He has never ever been romantic or passionate with me. Something that I long for in a relationship. Sex is another thing that is just awful, I won't go into detail about that, but I really don't feel like I have had sex for this entire 23 years. And it has come to the point that I don't want it any more. At least not the way he does.

He has never written a love letter or done anything special for me. He would be gone for months at a time because he was in the military for over twenty years. I tried so many ways to get his attention. One year when he got back after being gone so long. I worked for weeks redoing the landscaping, re-arranging and decorating the house for Christmas and refinished our dining room table . I had candles lit in every room and treats made for him. He walked in the house after not seeing me for months and months, hardly showing an ounce of emotion to see me and Hannah. Then walked up to the dining room table and said, "what did you do to this table?" "It looks terrible." I was devastated and so hurt. But this was just the beginning. There it just too much to list on how he has hurt me over the last 23 years. He is emotionless, does not have passion for anything, and only has conversations about general things with me. Except, we do talk about theology together, which I'm very thankful for!!

We rarely go on vacation, because the times that we have and spend thousands of dollars. He didn't want to do anything. He isn't interested in anything recreational. We went to Destin, Florida one time and he would not walk out in the crystal clear aqua blue water with me that was shallow for a long distance. He said he just didn't see any reason why to do that if there wasn't any waves???? Honestly, after 23 years, I don't even really know this man, and I guess I never will. He spends hours upon hours repairing things, maintaining things, organizing finances and bills and researching the best deals for everything. He hasn't been officially diagnosed and will not under any circumstances. He does not believe there is anything wrong with himself. He always says, you just want me to be like you.

There are many things I very much appreciate about him. He is a Christian, which is really the only thing we have in common, he is very faithful, loyal and responsible. I am so thankful for that!! But I am EXTREMELY lonely which has caused such depression in my life. I can be sobbing in our living room and he might ask, what is wrong, I won't usually answer. So, he will go about his business as usual. I could go on and on. I might have already wrote too much! I also want to say that I know I am not perfect and that I know that God is still working on me. But, I just can't figure out why he has allowed me to have this life of loneliness. I honestly do not want to live any more. I actually day dream about being diagnosed with a terminal illness so I can go to be with the true lover of my soul, the Lord Jesus Christ. I am just hoping that someone out there understands a little bit of what I'm going through. Anyone?

 

[trulycommitted]

I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. It is so hard when people we love make choices and take actions that we don't understand. This marital situation seems to have a few layers of complexity. Have you ever been to marriage counseling? My suggestion would be getting in front of a SKILLED and EXPERIENCED marriage counselor and start talking. If you do decide to do counseling and he agrees to it, put some serious prayer and fasting into the choice of a counselor. If not a counselor, arrange to have some time to talk, genuinely seek to listen and understand, to explain why you feel like you do – what is hurting and how things could be different. You are precious in the sight of our Lord. Your life is precious. Be assured I’m praying, asking our Heavenly Father to comfort you. May He be the center of your marriage, draw you closer to each other and give you guidance as you lean upon Him.

 

[KimmyO]

Thank you! We must lift each other up. I would ask either a church you go to or a larger church that might be more likely to have free counseling. Just give them a call, if they don't, they might know who does. =)

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hello Aspzan,
I really appreciate your reply. My husband was in the Army. He did not have an MOS that put him in any danger. He did work with a special unit in the military. I can say that I'm 99 percent sure that he has never seen anything traumatic.

About my crying spells. He usually knows what is making me sad. Most of the time it is my heartbreak about our 21 year old daughter. Or is it about the pain I am having with my chronic illness. Constant abdominal pain with off and on nausea and vomiting, along with severe fatigue. He just ignores me most of the time.

Last night I tried really hard to get him to admit he has issues. He will not admit that there is anything wrong with our relationship or the way he acts. It is super frustrating and causes more depression for me. If only he would just admit he's not normal, get some therapy and at least try! But he refuses.

I really do remind myself over and over how thankful I am that I don't have an abusive husband, and that I do not have to work full time, because I could not, with the medical issues I have! If I just had some support from someone, anyone, it would help me so much. There isn't anyone in my family that I can really talk to. And it is so hard to make close friends when you have a husband like him. When we get together with anyone, he talks REALLY loud and always interrupts me. Repeats himself all the time and discusses subjects in exhaustingly boring detail. The one female friend I have, has extreme OCD and does not have any empathy. I tried talking to her once and she did not have any understanding, all she could tell me was that I needed to just focus on my relationship with Christ and not be so needy. I feel SO alone in this and it has been overwhelming to me in the last year because my daughter is growing up and for some reason wants to shut me out of her life. My heart is beyond broken! Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond to my post and trying to help me!

There is something your not considering.

In the military he is normal. He's only abnormal to you, in his pov., which makes him more likely to see you as the issue since hundreds of people that he's around all the time think he's normal.

Maybe doing group counseling with other people from the military? is there such a thing?

Something where men coming home can readjust to life?

This might be a good place to start recognizing an issue...

 

[Northbrook]

Dana Cheryl, I was wondering whether you knew about the “Autism & Asperger’s” subforum here. Go to Forums/Mental Health & Recovery/Autism & Asperger’s.

 

[Dana cheryl]

I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. It is so hard when people we love make choices and take actions that we don't understand. This marital situation seems to have a few layers of complexity. Have you ever been to marriage counseling? My suggestion would be getting in front of a SKILLED and EXPERIENCED marriage counselor and start talking. If you do decide to do counseling and he agrees to it, put some serious prayer and fasting into the choice of a counselor. If not a counselor, arrange to have some time to talk, genuinely seek to listen and understand, to explain why you feel like you do – what is hurting and how things could be different. You are precious in the sight of our Lord. Your life is precious. Be assured I’m praying, asking our Heavenly Father to comfort you. May He be the center of your marriage, draw you closer to each other and give you guidance as you lean upon Him.

 

[Dana cheryl]

We have tried pastoral counseling. It wasn't that successful. It would be a very hard task to get him to attend professional counseling. But, I can ask him again. It's hard for me to have much hope in it, though. We've tried reading marital help books. He reads it and still doesn't understand how to have a deep relationship. I have tried all sorts of ideas on him. Recently, I started texting him while he was at work, just to tell him I loved him and was so thankful for him. He would say he loved me back, but that's it. I stopped doing it, just to see if he would start it back again, but he hasn't. Then I came up with an idea to at least have some type of relational contact with him on the weekend. I wrote up several cards with acts of service, and questions that you need to answer in detail. We would each have to draw four on Fridays and say or do what it is asking you to do. I told him that he wasn't allowed to answer, yes or no, or I don't know. It was just too hard for him. He didn't know how to answer in any other way, but vaguely. He really doesn't get it. I can't even get mad at him, because I think of it as a disorder in his brain. I am so grateful that you will pray for me!!! Thank you so much!

 

[sunshine100]

Hello and welcome

 

[Jesusismyking87!!]

I am brand new to this forum. I am hoping to just find someone that understands my situation and doesn't tell me that what I've been dealing with for 23 years is normal. And that my husband is just like every other man that has a problem with sharing his feelings and emotions. At the moment I am such a state of utter darkness and loss of hope, I just did a search on google and that's how I found this forum. It makes it so much harder when there isn't one person that understands how I feel. If I start explaining the issues to one of my Christian friends, they just don't get it. They always end up telling me that maybe I should look at myself and see how God needs to work on me through this.

I was not aware of my husbands disorder when I first married him in 1995. One of the reasons is because we married after only knowing each other for two months. The first two years of our marriage was more focused on relocating from Southern California, and then after that I became pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness I have had in my marriage. Our daughter was born with a very severe heart defect and needed to have two open heart surgeries. During the entire time of my stressful pregnancy, since I did know that I would be having a daughter with tricuspid atresia, and through two painful surgeries, my husband was emotionally tuned out, acting as if nothing was happening and all of this was something normal to go through. This and many other signs caused me to be confused and I was just left alone to deal with all of it. He has never ever been romantic or passionate with me. Something that I long for in a relationship. Sex is another thing that is just awful, I won't go into detail about that, but I really don't feel like I have had sex for this entire 23 years. And it has come to the point that I don't want it any more. At least not the way he does.

He has never written a love letter or done anything special for me. He would be gone for months at a time because he was in the military for over twenty years. I tried so many ways to get his attention. One year when he got back after being gone so long. I worked for weeks redoing the landscaping, re-arranging and decorating the house for Christmas and refinished our dining room table . I had candles lit in every room and treats made for him. He walked in the house after not seeing me for months and months, hardly showing an ounce of emotion to see me and Hannah. Then walked up to the dining room table and said, "what did you do to this table?" "It looks terrible." I was devastated and so hurt. But this was just the beginning. There it just too much to list on how he has hurt me over the last 23 years. He is emotionless, does not have passion for anything, and only has conversations about general things with me. Except, we do talk about theology together, which I'm very thankful for!!

We rarely go on vacation, because the times that we have and spend thousands of dollars. He didn't want to do anything. He isn't interested in anything recreational. We went to Destin, Florida one time and he would not walk out in the crystal clear aqua blue water with me that was shallow for a long distance. He said he just didn't see any reason why to do that if there wasn't any waves???? Honestly, after 23 years, I don't even really know this man, and I guess I never will. He spends hours upon hours repairing things, maintaining things, organizing finances and bills and researching the best deals for everything. He hasn't been officially diagnosed and will not under any circumstances. He does not believe there is anything wrong with himself. He always says, you just want me to be like you.

There are many things I very much appreciate about him. He is a Christian, which is really the only thing we have in common, he is very faithful, loyal and responsible. I am so thankful for that!! But I am EXTREMELY lonely which has caused such depression in my life. I can be sobbing in our living room and he might ask, what is wrong, I won't usually answer. So, he will go about his business as usual. I could go on and on. I might have already wrote too much! I also want to say that I know I am not perfect and that I know that God is still working on me. But, I just can't figure out why he has allowed me to have this life of loneliness. I honestly do not want to live any more. I actually day dream about being diagnosed with a terminal illness so I can go to be with the true lover of my soul, the Lord Jesus Christ. I am just hoping that someone out there understands a little bit of what I'm going through. Anyone?

Friend thank you for sharing. I know you may think your in a rut lets be honest who is not in a rut in todays world. For myself who is still in the army I know how it feels to be gone for so long, and come back and think your still normal but lets be honest we do not come home normal we are normal people with un-normal jobs defending a country wow right!

What I would recommend is find an event or a group project for the family and you and him also, do game night, and encourage him to have a candle lit dinner that you design and just discuss. Sometimes us service members feel like our wives or husbands do not want to hear our issues while in reality we really wish the would sometimes just ask.

God bless you and I am uplifting you and your family in prayer sister.

God Bless.

 

[Dana cheryl]

Friend thank you for sharing. I know you may think your in a rut lets be honest who is not in a rut in todays world. For myself who is still in the army I know how it feels to be gone for so long, and come back and think your still normal but lets be honest we do not come home normal we are normal people with un-normal jobs defending a country wow right!

What I would recommend is find an event or a group project for the family and you and him also, do game night, and encourage him to have a candle lit dinner that you design and just discuss. Sometimes us service members feel like our wives or husbands do not want to hear our issues while in reality we really wish the would sometimes just ask.

God bless you and I am uplifting you and your family in prayer sister.

God Bless.

 

[Dana cheryl]

Hello!
Thank you so much for responding and giving me your input. You have some great ideas, but I've already tried them. He is non-responsive. I have been able to get him to play cards, but he doesn't enjoy it. He did play family games when our daughter was much younger. I have tried the candlelight dinner several times. He just complains that he can't see.
Believe me, I ask him so many questions about everything. I want to know how he feels or what he thinks about everything. He is completely unable to communicate. This is why I really believe he has aspergers. Being in a marriage like this is SO very lonely. The other alternative is to believe that he just doesn't want to have a relationship with me. He is happy to be alone all the time. Yesterday, we were both off together. This is exactly what happens every time we have a free day together. He stays in the office and calculates our finances to perfection. He needs to automise everything that I buy in categories. He is also obsessed with maintenance of the computer, always wanting more security or faster connection. And then there is the maintenance of our house. He is always checking things and replacing things, it really is never ending. He also spends time working out at the gym and will not rearrange his hours for that unless it would be a big emergency. Yesterday, I was trying to tell him about a podcast that I listen to. In the middle of my sentence, he loudly proclaims, you have been talking more than five minutes and I have to get to the gym before the crowds get there. He just coldly cut me off in the middle of my story. Besides the Lord, I talk to myself all day long, because I don't have anyone to talk to. It is the same story on the weekends. I sit in my chair in the living room or do housework, while he does his very necessary (is what he says) work in his office. I am very thankful that he takes care of things, I promise I am! But, he is forgetting about me.

I thank you so much for praying for me! You are in my prayers as well! BTW, we are retired now from the Army for six years and ending up the Saint Charles, MO. He still works for the government and does pretty much what he did as active duty.