Please help, my husband has aspergers.

[Dana cheryl]

I am brand new to this forum. I am hoping to just find someone that understands my situation and doesn't tell me that what I've been dealing with for 23 years is normal. And that my husband is just like every other man that has a problem with sharing his feelings and emotions. At the moment I am such a state of utter darkness and loss of hope, I just did a search on google and that's how I found this forum. It makes it so much harder when there isn't one person that understands how I feel. If I start explaining the issues to one of my Christian friends, they just don't get it. They always end up telling me that maybe I should look at myself and see how God needs to work on me through this.

I was not aware of my husbands disorder when I first married him in 1995. One of the reasons is because we married after only knowing each other for two months. The first two years of our marriage was more focused on relocating from Southern California, and then after that I became pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness I have had in my marriage. Our daughter was born with a very severe heart defect and needed to have two open heart surgeries. During the entire time of my stressful pregnancy, since I did know that I would be having a daughter with tricuspid atresia, and through two painful surgeries, my husband was emotionally tuned out, acting as if nothing was happening and all of this was something normal to go through. This and many other signs caused me to be confused and I was just left alone to deal with all of it. He has never ever been romantic or passionate with me. Something that I long for in a relationship. Sex is another thing that is just awful, I won't go into detail about that, but I really don't feel like I have had sex for this entire 23 years. And it has come to the point that I don't want it any more. At least not the way he does.

He has never written a love letter or done anything special for me. He would be gone for months at a time because he was in the military for over twenty years. I tried so many ways to get his attention. One year when he got back after being gone so long. I worked for weeks redoing the landscaping, re-arranging and decorating the house for Christmas and refinished our dining room table . I had candles lit in every room and treats made for him. He walked in the house after not seeing me for months and months, hardly showing an ounce of emotion to see me and Hannah. Then walked up to the dining room table and said, "what did you do to this table?" "It looks terrible." I was devastated and so hurt. But this was just the beginning. There it just too much to list on how he has hurt me over the last 23 years. He is emotionless, does not have passion for anything, and only has conversations about general things with me. Except, we do talk about theology together, which I'm very thankful for!!

We rarely go on vacation, because the times that we have and spend thousands of dollars. He didn't want to do anything. He isn't interested in anything recreational. We went to Destin, Florida one time and he would not walk out in the crystal clear aqua blue water with me that was shallow for a long distance. He said he just didn't see any reason why to do that if there wasn't any waves???? Honestly, after 23 years, I don't even really know this man, and I guess I never will. He spends hours upon hours repairing things, maintaining things, organizing finances and bills and researching the best deals for everything. He hasn't been officially diagnosed and will not under any circumstances. He does not believe there is anything wrong with himself. He always says, you just want me to be like you.

There are many things I very much appreciate about him. He is a Christian, which is really the only thing we have in common, he is very faithful, loyal and responsible. I am so thankful for that!! But I am EXTREMELY lonely which has caused such depression in my life. I can be sobbing in our living room and he might ask, what is wrong, I won't usually answer. So, he will go about his business as usual. I could go on and on. I might have already wrote too much! I also want to say that I know I am not perfect and that I know that God is still working on me. But, I just can't figure out why he has allowed me to have this life of loneliness. I honestly do not want to live any more. I actually day dream about being diagnosed with a terminal illness so I can go to be with the true lover of my soul, the Lord Jesus Christ. I am just hoping that someone out there understands a little bit of what I'm going through. Anyone?

 

[Daniel Marsh]

The book called,
Tough and Tender

Joyce Landorf, Joyce Landorf Heatherley

It is only 14 cents online at Amazon.com: 9780800712839: Books

Communication: Key to Your Marriage: Practical, Biblical Ways to Improve Communication and Enrich Your Marriage

H. Norman Wright

$6 at https://www.amazon.com/Communicatio...&qid=1540746776&sr=1-1&keywords=9780830702558

Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Creating Intimacy to Make Your Marriage Sizzle
By Kevin Leman

Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Creating Intimacy to Make Your Marriage Sizzle
By Kevin Leman

The above books helped me as a husband, if he likes the radio playing while doing woodwork --- don't complain about it.

Do some wood working projects with him and allow the radio to play.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Also, try to get involved with group projects with him like Habitat.

Us quiet men tend to talk while doing things.

 

[Llleopard]

Hi Dana ☺ I am sending you hugs! I am a person with aspergers too, but what you are describing is pretty much exactly like my mom married to my dad for over 50 years. I have to go to work (nz) but will write as soon as I can

 

[Dansiph]

I am brand new to this forum. I am hoping to just find someone that understands my situation and doesn't tell me that what I've been dealing with for 23 years is normal. And that my husband is just like every other man that has a problem with sharing his feelings and emotions. At the moment I am such a state of utter darkness and loss of hope, I just did a search on google and that's how I found this forum. It makes it so much harder when there isn't one person that understands how I feel. If I start explaining the issues to one of my Christian friends, they just don't get it. They always end up telling me that maybe I should look at myself and see how God needs to work on me through this.

I was not aware of my husbands disorder when I first married him in 1995. One of the reasons is because we married after only knowing each other for two months. The first two years of our marriage was more focused on relocating from Southern California, and then after that I became pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the loneliness I have had in my marriage. Our daughter was born with a very severe heart defect and needed to have two open heart surgeries. During the entire time of my stressful pregnancy, since I did know that I would be having a daughter with tricuspid atresia, and through two painful surgeries, my husband was emotionally tuned out, acting as if nothing was happening and all of this was something normal to go through. This and many other signs caused me to be confused and I was just left alone to deal with all of it. He has never ever been romantic or passionate with me. Something that I long for in a relationship. Sex is another thing that is just awful, I won't go into detail about that, but I really don't feel like I have had sex for this entire 23 years. And it has come to the point that I don't want it any more. At least not the way he does.

He has never written a love letter or done anything special for me. He would be gone for months at a time because he was in the military for over twenty years. I tried so many ways to get his attention. One year when he got back after being gone so long. I worked for weeks redoing the landscaping, re-arranging and decorating the house for Christmas and refinished our dining room table . I had candles lit in every room and treats made for him. He walked in the house after not seeing me for months and months, hardly showing an ounce of emotion to see me and Hannah. Then walked up to the dining room table and said, "what did you do to this table?" "It looks terrible." I was devastated and so hurt. But this was just the beginning. There it just too much to list on how he has hurt me over the last 23 years. He is emotionless, does not have passion for anything, and only has conversations about general things with me. Except, we do talk about theology together, which I'm very thankful for!!

We rarely go on vacation, because the times that we have and spend thousands of dollars. He didn't want to do anything. He isn't interested in anything recreational. We went to Destin, Florida one time and he would not walk out in the crystal clear aqua blue water with me that was shallow for a long distance. He said he just didn't see any reason why to do that if there wasn't any waves???? Honestly, after 23 years, I don't even really know this man, and I guess I never will. He spends hours upon hours repairing things, maintaining things, organizing finances and bills and researching the best deals for everything. He hasn't been officially diagnosed and will not under any circumstances. He does not believe there is anything wrong with himself. He always says, you just want me to be like you.

There are many things I very much appreciate about him. He is a Christian, which is really the only thing we have in common, he is very faithful, loyal and responsible. I am so thankful for that!! But I am EXTREMELY lonely which has caused such depression in my life. I can be sobbing in our living room and he might ask, what is wrong, I won't usually answer. So, he will go about his business as usual. I could go on and on. I might have already wrote too much! I also want to say that I know I am not perfect and that I know that God is still working on me. But, I just can't figure out why he has allowed me to have this life of loneliness. I honestly do not want to live any more. I actually day dream about being diagnosed with a terminal illness so I can go to be with the true lover of my soul, the Lord Jesus Christ. I am just hoping that someone out there understands a little bit of what I'm going through. Anyone?

I have aspergers so I clicked on this but I'm not sure how much help I can be. The thing with aspergers is it's not an excuse for being rude. I am emotionless around new people or people such as a shopkeeper for example. With close family I laugh, joke and care about them. I still feel awkward with most people, except with my twin sister and mother who I am comfortable with.

Your husband does seem to have Asperger's traits like his fixation on things and lack of emotion. Also his lack of caring. I'm guilty of it too sometimes but God has blessed me with a caring nature as well as my upbringing. Have you considred he might have another mental issue? Either including Aspergers or something else entirely? It takes a lot of effort to get diagnosed and it isn't easy but if he's not willing to I am sorry but you can't make him. Unless it's effecting his living standards unfortunately. That's how it is in the UK anyway.

I have felt lonliness before. I was diagnosed with psychosis which eventually was cured completely but lead to my diagnosis of Aspergers. I also was told I had depression. I sort of know how you feel. If I can ask what part of the military was he in? Could he have developed mental issues and barriers while in the military? I also thought (maybe because I have aspergers) why wouldn't you tell him what is wrong when you are crying? If you tell him these things maybe he will respond better?

Please dont hope for illness it's not a good thing. Some things to consider, try and take stuff in steps. So you could... Work on telling him how you feel in certain instances like if he doesn't recognise your effort in something. Later, work on getting him a diagnosis. There's help for people who "care" for someone with Aspergers so you could meet people who are living with an Aspie etc and they could help you. Be grateful, not being critical of you I just think it is genuinley helpful for focus on things you are grateful for which I know you listed but spend more time on the positives!

Sorry for getting so personal and for a long response but by reading you are stressed etc I wanted to help

 

[nChrist]

You will be in my prayers. May God give you strength and comfort.

 

[NBB]

I have aspergers too, did you tell to him all of this?
Tell him, in a nice manner, if you are a centimeter rude tone of voice or something, we just get blocked (i think).

 

[Llleopard]

Hi Dana ☺ lots to answer, so I'll write a bit, and if you like I can write more another time. my mom is a beautiful gentle person, an artist, deeply spiritual and funny. My dad is an engineer, and like your husband, has some great qualities of loyalty, providing, reliability and a love of God. My mom has struggled horribly over the years as she lives with his aspergers side too. Like you, she feels rubbished because he often cannot understand her feelings at all - i.e. her paintings are amazing, and sell well, but my dad calls them trash and belittles her work because it is not a style he likes or understands. He frames and hangs them for her exhibitions, but still expresses astonishment that anyone would buy that trash. I know my dad loves her totally, but he really has no understanding of how much he hurts her. If he did, he would not do it! She can explain and tell him nicely, or she could shout it, but he simply cannot put himself in her shoes. Many aspies have no ability to imagine like that. The same way your husband didn't get your massive welcome home effort and left you feeling trashed. Like my dad, he would truly have no idea why you were upset, and not understand that you wanted comfort when crying either. It is not that aspies have no feelings - we do,and just as strongly as anyone, but many of us find them impossible to navigate, explain or recognise in ourselves or others. I would think that your husband does love you, but has not been able to communicate with you in any way that is meaningful to you which must feel desolate indeed. My mom has learned to be very specific and direct- if she wants a hug she will just ask him directly, because if she waited for him to realise tears mean she is upset it would never happen! This is not always successful though, and I know she is often terribly frustrated, lonely, angry at him, and her self esteem is very low. She survives by accepting his limits and being very self contained. I know this is not what she wants to be, or how she wants her marriage to be, but she decided to stay with my dad and does her best. One thing that has helped her are the 5love languages. Understanding that my dad shows love through doing acts of service for her has helped her see that he is actually communicating his love constantly. The problem is when she needs love shown to her in her language too. Her language is quality time, which is virtually impossible for my dad. When he is not being busy doing things for her, he gets awkward and antsy. He simply cannot imagine that anyone would want to just spend time together, and is negative because he can't understand it. Mom is very direct, and finds something they can do together like play scrabble so that he is still 'doing'for her, but also spending time with her. It is a compromise, and she is the one who has to initiate always, but it is a way of getting her need for his attention met. Is this helping at all?!

 

[Southernscotty]

I will simply say get christian counseling, Usually it is free and well worth it if you have a good caring counselor who takes the correct approach to this and explains to your husband the need for showing you affection in your marriage and starts you both on a journey to "find" one another again...

 

[Dana cheryl]

Hi Dana ☺ I am sending you hugs! I am a person with aspergers too, but what you are describing is pretty much exactly like my mom married to my dad for over 50 years. I have to go to work (nz) but will write as soon as I can

 

[Dana cheryl]

Thank you so much, Lileopard! It helps to not feel so alone in this!

 

[Dana cheryl]

I have aspergers so I clicked on this but I'm not sure how much help I can be. The thing with aspergers is it's not an excuse for being rude. I am emotionless around new people or people such as a shopkeeper for example. With close family I laugh, joke and care about them. I still feel awkward with most people, except with my twin sister and mother who I am comfortable with.

Your husband does seem to have Asperger's traits like his fixation on things and lack of emotion. Also his lack of caring. I'm guilty of it too sometimes but God has blessed me with a caring nature as well as my upbringing. Have you considred he might have another mental issue? Either including Aspergers or something else entirely? It takes a lot of effort to get diagnosed and it isn't easy but if he's not willing to I am sorry but you can't make him. Unless it's effecting his living standards unfortunately. That's how it is in the UK anyway.

I have felt lonliness before. I was diagnosed with psychosis which eventually was cured completely but lead to my diagnosis of Aspergers. I also was told I had depression. I sort of know how you feel. If I can ask what part of the military was he in? Could he have developed mental issues and barriers while in the military? I also thought (maybe because I have aspergers) why wouldn't you tell him what is wrong when you are crying? If you tell him these things maybe he will respond better?

Please dont hope for illness it's not a good thing. Some things to consider, try and take stuff in steps. So you could... Work on telling him how you feel in certain instances like if he doesn't recognise your effort in something. Later, work on getting him a diagnosis. There's help for people who "care" for someone with Aspergers so you could meet people who are living with an Aspie etc and they could help you. Be grateful, not being critical of you I just think it is genuinley helpful for focus on things you are grateful for which I know you listed but spend more time on the positives!

Sorry for getting so personal and for a long response but by reading you are stressed etc I wanted to help

 

[Dana cheryl]

Hello Aspzan,
I really appreciate your reply. My husband was in the Army. He did not have an MOS that put him in any danger. He did work with a special unit in the military. I can say that I'm 99 percent sure that he has never seen anything traumatic.

About my crying spells. He usually knows what is making me sad. Most of the time it is my heartbreak about our 21 year old daughter. Or is it about the pain I am having with my chronic illness. Constant abdominal pain with off and on nausea and vomiting, along with severe fatigue. He just ignores me most of the time.

Last night I tried really hard to get him to admit he has issues. He will not admit that there is anything wrong with our relationship or the way he acts. It is super frustrating and causes more depression for me. If only he would just admit he's not normal, get some therapy and at least try! But he refuses.

I really do remind myself over and over how thankful I am that I don't have an abusive husband, and that I do not have to work full time, because I could not, with the medical issues I have! If I just had some support from someone, anyone, it would help me so much. There isn't anyone in my family that I can really talk to. And it is so hard to make close friends when you have a husband like him. When we get together with anyone, he talks REALLY loud and always interrupts me. Repeats himself all the time and discusses subjects in exhaustingly boring detail. The one female friend I have, has extreme OCD and does not have any empathy. I tried talking to her once and she did not have any understanding, all she could tell me was that I needed to just focus on my relationship with Christ and not be so needy. I feel SO alone in this and it has been overwhelming to me in the last year because my daughter is growing up and for some reason wants to shut me out of her life. My heart is beyond broken! Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond to my post and trying to help me!

 

[Dana cheryl]

I will simply say get christian counseling, Usually it is free and well worth it if you have a good caring counselor who takes the correct approach to this and explains to your husband the need for showing you affection in your marriage and starts you both on a journey to "find" one another again...

 

[Dana cheryl]

Thank you for replying, how would I get free Christian counseling?

 

[Dana cheryl]

Hi Dana ☺ lots to answer, so I'll write a bit, and if you like I can write more another time. my mom is a beautiful gentle person, an artist, deeply spiritual and funny. My dad is an engineer, and like your husband, has some great qualities of loyalty, providing, reliability and a love of God. My mom has struggled horribly over the years as she lives with his aspergers side too. Like you, she feels rubbished because he often cannot understand her feelings at all - i.e. her paintings are amazing, and sell well, but my dad calls them trash and belittles her work because it is not a style he likes or understands. He frames and hangs them for her exhibitions, but still expresses astonishment that anyone would buy that trash. I know my dad loves her totally, but he really has no understanding of how much he hurts her. If he did, he would not do it! She can explain and tell him nicely, or she could shout it, but he simply cannot put himself in her shoes. Many aspies have no ability to imagine like that. The same way your husband didn't get your massive welcome home effort and left you feeling trashed. Like my dad, he would truly have no idea why you were upset, and not understand that you wanted comfort when crying either. It is not that aspies have no feelings - we do,and just as strongly as anyone, but many of us find them impossible to navigate, explain or recognise in ourselves or others. I would think that your husband does love you, but has not been able to communicate with you in any way that is meaningful to you which must feel desolate indeed. My mom has learned to be very specific and direct- if she wants a hug she will just ask him directly, because if she waited for him to realise tears mean she is upset it would never happen! This is not always successful though, and I know she is often terribly frustrated, lonely, angry at him, and her self esteem is very low. She survives by accepting his limits and being very self contained. I know this is not what she wants to be, or how she wants her marriage to be, but she decided to stay with my dad and does her best. One thing that has helped her are the 5love languages. Understanding that my dad shows love through doing acts of service for her has helped her see that he is actually communicating his love constantly. The problem is when she needs love shown to her in her language too. Her language is quality time, which is virtually impossible for my dad. When he is not being busy doing things for her, he gets awkward and antsy. He simply cannot imagine that anyone would want to just spend time together, and is negative because he can't understand it. Mom is very direct, and finds something they can do together like play scrabble so that he is still 'doing'for her, but also spending time with her. It is a compromise, and she is the one who has to initiate always, but it is a way of getting her need for his attention met. Is this helping at all?!

 

[Dana cheryl]

YES Lleopard!! Your post helped so much!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me! I want to write more, but I need to get ready for the job that I do a few hours a week. It is the only thing I have going for me that gives me any type of real human relationships. I work in activities at an assisted living home. I hope to talk more soon!

 

[Dana cheryl]

I have aspergers too, did you tell to him all of this?
Tell him, in a nice manner, if you are a centimeter rude tone of voice or something, we just get blocked (i think).

 

[Dana cheryl]

Hello NBB,
Thank you for responding! I have told him in detail about how much he hurts me. He doesn't really respond, just is mostly silent when I try to talk about it.

 

[NBB]

Hello NBB,
Thank you for responding! I have told him in detail about how much he hurts me. He doesn't really respond, just is mostly silent when I try to talk about it.

I don't know what to say, some of us can be too quiet.
Asking God for help or an answer is good, since he has the ability to help us.