Please help me

[ByTheSpirit]

Josh my man, I came in this thread 3 days late, I sincerely apologize brother.

I myself have been delivered from MULTIPLE mental health issues: major depression, general anxiety, PTSD

I want to share with you how the Lord delivered me and perhaps you can find some comfort in my story and even find a way to pray to the Lord concerning your own issue. Just know man, things are nothing but darkness in the situation and condition you are in. I know, I've been there. Don't ever believe what you say about yourself while depressed, because nothing you do is good enough and nothing you say will matter. Remember you only have one shot at life, death is forever, enjoy it while God has blessed you with it :hugs:

Ok so I figured I would share how the Lord Jesus personally healed me and gave me new life, praise His holy name! To understand some of my story I have to tell you a bit about my past.

I grew up in a small town in Southeast Kansas and from my earliest days I can remember being in church. I attended for most of my life a very decent sized Independent Fundamental Baptist Church (Cessasionist as well). As I grew up I from time to time would have visions or hear a voice telling me things about God and my church would tell me it isn't God so reject the things and seek the truth as found in the Word. Well I grew up in that mentality until I was 18. I gave my life to Jesus in that church, thinking He was calling me into the mission field. When I graduated high school though, things changed and I joined the US Army.

I am still a Soldier in the US Army currently serving in my 11th year. I have been to 3 combat tours in Iraq in 2003, 2007, 2010. Immediately after basic training, I fell away hard. I stopped attending church all together, well I did go once every blue moon, but it was more like an annual attendance, not monthly or weekly. I stopped reading my Bible and I still prayed for the most part, but not for anything but God give me this or that. Well after my last tour in Iraq after returning home I would sit in bed at night and just beg God to end me because I had no hope anymore. I would tell myself and my wife that I had nothing to live for (even with 2 beautiful children) and would say things like "How many billions of people have ever lived and been remembered ever?" I didn't quite know that I had begun to slip into PTSD, depression, and severe anxiety.

My work suffered tremendously, my home life was non existant, I just had nothing. I eventually started to get suicidal ideations and intentions, going so far one time as to poke myself (not through the skin) many times with a knife to prepare myself for what would come. I was unfaithful with my wife, and even chose for about a week to live out of my car instead of at home. I was a wreck. Many doctors, therapists, and medicines couldn't help me and I just got worse. This continued from about August of 2010 through January 2011.

Then one day in January, 2011, I was in a small gas station/convenience store getting some milk for my children. Now remember I had not been in a church for years nor had I read my Bible in about the same time. When I was ready to checkout I began heading to the cashier when I heard a voice behind me say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." So I'm looking around trying to figure out who is talking to me, and to my surprise there is NO ONE there, I'm the only one in the store minus the cashier clerk. So I shrug it off as being crazy still and continued towards the counter when the voice came back but in a bit different manner, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.... Bryan are you trusting me? and do not lean on your own understanding.... Bryan you thought you had it all down and didn't need anyone, especially Me, to help you, look at where you are now. In all your ways acknowledge Me! And I will make straight your paths.... Bryan if you turn back to Me I will forgive you and I will heal you!" Then He went silent.

Well after a moment of taking in what just happened, I realize that Jesus has just spoken to me, as a man talks with a man. Why Lord why do you love me so? I have been so horrible to You! I have abandoned You! Then He said again, Trust in Me! So I said, Lord, You are right. I am sorry for all my sins, I turn back to You Jesus so You may use me. Forgive me Lord.

BOOM! INSTANTLY, I felt as if the weight of the world was off my shoulders! I could swear multiple spirits came out of me! HALLELUJAH!!!! I screamed, Jesus is Lord! My Jesus healed me and set me free! No words of mine can ever express the joy and overwhelming feeling I get every time I speak of that day. I had nothing, I had lost even the most basic human feelings and emotions, but Jesus made a way! Thank you for listening to my story and I pray that the Lord of all glory would reveal Himself to you in like manner and may we all walk worthy of Him!

All glory, honor, and praise to Him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by His blood! Amen!

You can be delivered brother! I'm praying for you!

 

[J0SHUA]

You can be delivered brother! I'm praying for you!

That is an amazing testimony. Congratulations man. Praise the Lord. So your PTSD just vanished when you became a Christian? Also, thank you for your service and thanks for the prayers.

 

[orangeness365]

Thanks. You have been very helpful orange. Please don't ever kill yourself, no matter what.

thanks joshua

 

[ByTheSpirit]

That is an amazing testimony. Congratulations man. Praise the Lord. So your PTSD just vanished when you became a Christian? Also, thank you for your service and thanks for the prayers.

Well my situation may be unique, and I don't want you to think that it is easy. It was only God's grace that delivered me. What I would like for you to understand and gather out of my testimony is that Christ is able to deliver you and deliver you COMPLETELY from what you are suffering. He has never yet rejected a heart that reaches out to Him in complete honesty and belief.

Just open up to Him, it's not about how many religious words you say, or how many religious things you collect or do. Reach out to Him, talk to Him as you would your closest friend. He already knows what you are thinking and feeling. It is a tough road, especially if you think you've done everything right and nothing is working. Be strong man, as I said before:

Enjoy life while you have it. Death is forever and life is only as long as you have breath in your lungs. It is truly a precious thing, death can wait a little longer. Enjoy the greens in the trees, the sounds of the birds, there's so much around you that is beautiful and God sent. Don't let depression deceive you man. Easier said than done I know, but fight it until Jesus steps in and delivers you.

One last bit to my testimony:

Once I was set free, I have not had one setback, for when Jesus delivers, it is COMPLETELY...

I am praying for you brother!

 

[J0SHUA]

thanks joshua

You are welcome orangeness.

Well my situation may be unique, and I don't want you to think that it is easy. It was only God's grace that delivered me. What I would like for you to understand and gather out of my testimony is that Christ is able to deliver you and deliver you COMPLETELY from what you are suffering. He has never yet rejected a heart that reaches out to Him in complete honesty and belief.

Just open up to Him, it's not about how many religious words you say, or how many religious things you collect or do. Reach out to Him, talk to Him as you would your closest friend. He already knows what you are thinking and feeling. It is a tough road, especially if you think you've done everything right and nothing is working. Be strong man, as I said before:

Enjoy life while you have it. Death is forever and life is only as long as you have breath in your lungs. It is truly a precious thing, death can wait a little longer. Enjoy the greens in the trees, the sounds of the birds, there's so much around you that is beautiful and God sent. Don't let depression deceive you man. Easier said than done I know, but fight it until Jesus steps in and delivers you.

One last bit to my testimony:

Once I was set free, I have not had one setback, for when Jesus delivers, it is COMPLETELY...

I am praying for you brother!

Thanks onlybygrace. I'll keep praying and wait for God's healing. I really liked your testimony and I'm glad you are better now.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

I'm praying for you Joshua.

 

[J0SHUA]

Thank you Army Wife.

 

[Woven]

Joshua, I first want to say thanks for sharing how you're feeling. It's not always easy to talk about these things.

My heart really aches for you reading your posts. The devil is so good at making us feel unloved and unwanted. He loves messing with our insecurities. Don't believe the lie that you are hated. The guilt, and condemnation and unworthiness you feel are not from God.

Just remember that your identity is in who you are as a child of God, and not in other people's opinion of you. God loves you, and He feels every bit of your pain and sadness. The wonderful thing about God's love is that it's not dependent on us...it's not something to be earned or a prize to be won. You are loved no matter what you do.

You mentioned in your first post that you felt like God was disappointed in you, like He was saying "you've gone too far". God can't feel disillusioned with you, when he never had any illusions about you in the first place. He knows you inside out. He sees your past, every poor choice, every failure, and still responds with love. The power of God's love and the peace coming from His acceptance are far more capable of changing the human heart than condemnation and rejection. The truth is that you have already been forgiven. Even with all our addictions, our insecurities, and our frailties, we cannot create a need so big that grace cannot meet it. The bigger the hole, the more grace there is to fill it. We never need to fear exhausting the grace of God.

I also wanted to suggest that when you're feeling unloved it's helpful to read through these. Not only is it a good reminder of who you are in Christ, but if you speak them out you're speaking words of life over yourself.

Keeping you in my prayers

 

[J0SHUA]

Joshua, I first want to say thanks for sharing how you're feeling. It's not always easy to talk about these things.

My heart really aches for you reading your posts. The devil is so good at making us feel unloved and unwanted. He loves messing with our insecurities. Don't believe the lie that you are hated. The guilt, and condemnation and unworthiness you feel are not from God.

Just remember that your identity is in who you are as a child of God, and not in other people's opinion of you. God loves you, and He feels every bit of your pain and sadness. The wonderful thing about God's love is that it's not dependent on us...it's not something to be earned or a prize to be won. You are loved no matter what you do.

You mentioned in your first post that you felt like God was disappointed in you, like He was saying "you've gone too far". God can't feel disillusioned with you, when he never had any illusions about you in the first place. He knows you inside out. He sees your past, every poor choice, every failure, and still responds with love. The power of God's love and the peace coming from His acceptance are far more capable of changing the human heart than condemnation and rejection. The truth is that you have already been forgiven. Even with all our addictions, our insecurities, and our frailties, we cannot create a need so big that grace cannot meet it. The bigger the hole, the more grace there is to fill it. We never need to fear exhausting the grace of God.

I also wanted to suggest that when you're feeling unloved it's helpful to read through these. Not only is it a good reminder of who you are in Christ, but if you speak them out you're speaking words of life over yourself.

Keeping you in my prayers

Thank you Woven! This was a kind post. I feel better about this, and really haven't been feeling much emotion lately which has been a nice break.