Please help me

[J0SHUA]

I haven't been myself and feel confused. I had a mood swing this morning and couldn't stop having suicidal thoughts and felt like all people hate me and that I offend everyone I meet and forever will and am doomed to be hated. My cousin told me I was worthless because I have been a bit tired lately and even though I think she was kidding I took it very personally and thought of cutting off my legs for some reason. I was already upset about other things (many people have screwed me over so many times in the past) and I wanted to feel something other than the pain of being hated by all and useless. I began thinking of my trauma voluntarily and made an effort to dissociate as strongly as possible and to feel no emotion. I then felt like I snapped into a different person. I had lost all emotion and felt absolutely nothing. I tried thinking of things such as physical and emotional bullying from high school which usually brings strong depression and I still felt nothing. I then felt like others were worthless and that they wished they were loved as much as I am (which was very contradictory). I then broke down into a massive feeling of guilt and almost had a panic attack because I thought I had gone crazy and that I had no possibility of getting through another day. I began to feel that I deserved being hated by all because I have offended them too much. It used to feel unfair and it then started feeling fair like I deserved it. I felt confused and didn't know who I was and felt like apologizing to all people for my alternate self who has a tendency to offend others without feeling emotions attached to the offensive things I said. I then felt even more hated by society and had an unbearable suicidal feeling. I got very nauseous and felt like a car was laying over my chest. I then started riding a bike around the neighborhood and had this feeling that I deserved death and I went to a turn in the street and jerked my bike into the left side of the road.There was no one there on the other side of the corner, I wouldn't be here if there was, and felt dissapointed in myself because the drivers wanted me dead. I stopped to text my friend and felt like she secretly hated me too and the weight on my chest feeling got stronger. I begged God to forgive me of my sins and my offenses to others and to help me stop hurting other people and felt like He was disappointed with me and couldn't forgive me. It felt like He was saying "nope, you've gone too far joshua." I rode the bike back home and had a drink of peppermint schnapps my aunt had in her garage and almost threw up. It was worse than wine. I went in the house and layed with my aunt's dog. I felt a little better but still felt the pain of being put down by everyone. I still feel crossed over with a different person and my mind is fuzzy and hurts. I'm going to read the Bible and knock myself out with sleeping pills. Please don't tell me to call a hotline. Last time I did so the woman had a tough woman attitude and it made me feel worse. Whoever is reading this please know I'm sorry and that I never intended to offend anyone. If you are upset with me and want revenge please know this heavy guilt is enough punishment. Please forgive me and ask God to forgive me. I promise I will do my best to change myself. I understand why you are upset and I wish I could take it back. Please tell me you hate me or curse at me or something, I feel like people are holding grudges and hatred inside. Take it out on me please. I feel like there's no one to turn to and no way to escape these feelings. If I turned to someone for help they'd feel happy inside knowing that I'm suffering. I need a hug and a close friend to me tell me they love me and care for me and I need to know they mean it. I'm terrified of the future and need something. Please forgive me and pray for me. I don't want to come on here anymore and I don't want to offend anymore people. I don't feel worthy to operate in society and will avoid unnecessary social contact.

 

[ForJesusChrist]

Pray to God for help, and your not worthless, God has blessed us all in our own unique way!

 

[Criada]

You are not worthless, Joshua, you are a precious, much loved child of God
I think you need to talk to your doctor about these thoughts - they can be controlled, but you may need medication and/or counselling.
God has good plans for you - hang in there!

 

[orangeness365]

I feel you Joshua. I went through a lot of bullying in high school too, and I feel like God must hate me for what I've done. I went through psychosis where I genuinely thought everyone in the world hated me and was trying to kill me. I wasn't as calm about it as you are. I realize now that I even hate myself just to feel like I fit in with everybody else. Have you tried making online friends? They can help. I suggest you call your cousin and just ask her point blank if they hate you. The answer is probably no. You're 18 now. Have you finished high school yet? If you really think God is mad at you, then are you sure you're ready to go to the afterlife yet? I thought for a long time that I was going to hell when I die, and that kept me from suicide, although it's really taking it's toll on my desire to live. Have you tried just curling up in a ball and doing nothing for a long time? I'm luckier than you are though. I have 3 people in my family that love me a lot, so I also think about how I don't want to make them sad by killing myself. I think you need to let the bullying go by not making it a part of your identity. It's hard though. When I think that I've finally forgiven all the people that bullied me or gave me a hard time or just people that hurt me in general, it comes out in my dreams. Don't think that everyone is like the people that bullied you. Not everyone draws joy from your suffering. Not everyone is a sadist. I think you need a lifestyle change. I know volunteering makes me feel better about myself. Have you tried that? I dropped out of school about the time I was going to commit suicide. At first I felt like it was the end of the world and that I would live on the street, but now I realize I still have a chance to get a job. It sounds like you're really fragile right now. Have you tried antidepressants? They help. They don't make everything better, but they help. Is there anything that has happened recently that has triggered you to just feel miserable?

 

[J0SHUA]

I decided I wasn't going to post until I become a better Christian consistently, but orangeness put up a very thoughtful post. Also thanks to Criada and ForJesusChrist for replying.

I feel you Joshua. I went through a lot of bullying in high school too, and I feel like God must hate me for what I've done. I went through psychosis where I genuinely thought everyone in the world hated me and was trying to kill me. I wasn't as calm about it as you are. I realize now that I even hate myself just to feel like I fit in with everybody else.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Your name is familiar and I think I have seen you post in the mental health areas a lot. I have prayed for you many times. I hope you get better soon. If it makes you feel better, I swear that I don't hate you.

Have you tried making online friends? They can help.

I have many online friends and have known some of them for 4-5 years. They are helpful and are like family to me but we rarely talk these days, though recently I've been staying in touch with a couple of them more often. I also have friends in real life, but I don't like to discuss my problems with them because one of my closest friends has had suicidal tendencies in the past and I don't want to set him off. I just don't want the weight of my issues to affect other people so I tend to hold back on seeking help unless I'm having a panic attack. (ptsd panic attacks are hellish and way worse than regular panic attacks in a way I'll never be able to explain, so it feels necessary)

I suggest you call your cousin and just ask her point blank if they hate you. The answer is probably no.

I am pretty sure they don't. My aunt tells me she misses me often and puts hearts in her text messages a lot. My cousin asks me to come over every other week so I doubt she hates me, though she says the worst things to me sometimes. That is my problem. I've always just taken it and never say anything back. I don't like hostility so I always let people walk all over me and I never fight back. Therefore people take advantage of me all the time. It's so frustrating. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and I get taken advantage of instead.

You're 18 now. Have you finished high school yet?

Yes! I am in college. So far the people here are a lot nicer than high school.

If you really think God is mad at you, then are you sure you're ready to go to the afterlife yet?

I thought God was mad at me, but here is the good news. Last night I basically just swallowed my feelings and forced myself to trust God. I almost had a panic attack so I started reading the Bible and praying. I started feeling closer to God and felt so much better. Now I am working on improving myself and only doing things that I feel God would approve of. I basically ask myself, "if I was doing this in heaven and God saw me, would He be ok with it?" If the answer is no, I don't do it. That way I'll get closer to God

I thought for a long time that I was going to hell when I die, and that kept me from suicide, although it's really taking it's toll on my desire to live. Have you tried just curling up in a ball and doing nothing for a long time? I'm luckier than you are though. I have 3 people in my family that love me a lot, so I also think about how I don't want to make them sad by killing myself.

Same here. I believe I am of the elect and am eternally secure, so I don't believe I will go to hell (I believe in reformed theology). The part I can relate to is the family. My family is small but they love me so much. That's always been what's kept me from suicide. I wouldn't want them to be sad and grieve over my death.

I think you need to let the bullying go by not making it a part of your identity. It's hard though. When I think that I've finally forgiven all the people that bullied me or gave me a hard time or just people that hurt me in general, it comes out in my dreams. Don't think that everyone is like the people that bullied you. Not everyone draws joy from your suffering. Not everyone is a sadist. I think you need a lifestyle change. I know volunteering makes me feel better about myself. Have you tried that?

I try to let it go, but it has damaged me so badly and that will never change. Every time I look back at feeling trapped in the back of the bus with a group of people hitting and laughing at me I get a burst of anxiety and depression and it feels like there's knots in my gut. It makes me think that I will always be hated. It's very very frustrating. The worst part is that these people have happy, successful lives while I threaten to kill myself every other day. It's just so unfair. I did have a wonderful life before high school though, so every time this memory pops into my head I immediately shift my focus to my childhood. I blame it on my blonde hair and blue eyes. I hate it. It makes me look feminine, and the bullies did this to me because they thought I was a homosexual. On top of that, girls like darker hair. Unlucky genes unfortunately. No, I have not tried volunteering, but I do try to help others and make the world a better place. The Bible says we're the light of the world and I try to set a good example for that, though recently I have been screwing up badly, and that is why I am attempting to make serious changes. I feel like I don't deserve to go to a Christian website and that every person on this forum looks down on me for my lack of godliness.

I dropped out of school about the time I was going to commit suicide. At first I felt like it was the end of the world and that I would live on the street, but now I realize I still have a chance to get a job.

I'm really sorry. I will pray that you get a good job that you will love.

It sounds like you're really fragile right now. Have you tried antidepressants? They help. They don't make everything better, but they help.

Indeed. I am very fragile and it feels like my emotional stability is hanging on by a thread. Getting closer to God strengthens my feelings of emotional stability and I will continue to get closer to Him. I am on an antidepressant. I'm on Celexa and was raised to 40mg a couple of weeks ago. It's still not helping after 3 and a half months of being on this medication so I am going to change my medication next time I see my doctor (March 20th).

Is there anything that has happened recently that has triggered you to just feel miserable?

I'm not sure. Sometimes I just start thinking about my life and everything goes downhill from there. My life just feels meaningless sometimes and it feels like society in general either disapproves of me, looks down on me, or just completely hates me. I feel like every time I post or message someone, they think "ugh... it's this guy... I hate this guy." I think it's because of the bullying in high school and the fact that most people lose interest in me, whether it's friendships or romantic relationships. They get this first impression from me and like me, and then get to know me and realize that I'm awful. For my family, it feels like they only love me because they're my family. Sometimes it feels like they tolerate me and actually dislike me or love me less than other family members. Two of my cousins and my aunt are an exception though. My two cousins always want to hang out with me and my aunt, as I said earlier, is always very kind to me and respects me a lot.

Ok, I'm done now. Sorry for such a long and detailed reply. If you read all of that, you are just awesome and deserve candy and a hug
I am also sorry if some of the things I said were too depressing.

 

[J0SHUA]

Another thing is that I have always used humor as a defense mechanism against emotions. Lately I have been more serious and joking less, because I don't want to offend anyone. Ever since then I've been feeling much worse. I feel like I can't go back though, and I really don't want to anyways.

 

[orangeness365]

yeah I got accused of being a lesbian too. I'm not, but it sucks being bullied for something you aren't even doesn't it? I never had to deal with physical bullying though, it was just words. Thanks, I'm glad to know you don't hate me. I don't hate you either. Yeah I spend a lot of time in the mental health section. I'm sorry you have ptsd. I can't imagine how painful that is. You might want to get in touch with your online friends again. I'm glad that your family and relatives don't hate you and you know that. Yes, not committing suicide because people who love you would be sad is a good reason to stay alive. I think there is a difference between fighting back and defending yourself. I think you are allowed to defend yourself. Jesus talked about the disciples carrying a sword amongst them

Luke 22:35-38
Scripture Must Be Fulfilled in Jesus

35 And he said to them, “When I sent you out with no moneybag or knapsack or sandals, did you lack anything?” They said, “Nothing.” 36 He said to them, “But now let the one who has a moneybag take it, and likewise a knapsack. And let the one who has no sword sell his cloak and buy one. 37 For I tell you that this Scripture must be fulfilled in me: ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors.’ For what is written about me has its fulfillment.” 38 And they said, “Look, Lord, here are two swords.” And he said to them, “It is enough.”


He also said whoever lives by the sword dies by the sword. But anyway, basically I think there is a difference between fighting back and defending yourself, or just plain running away if you can. I don't think of myself as a doormat. I eventually got good at defending myself verbally at school, and I wasn't afraid to be a tattle tale and tell the school if people were bullying me. I'm glad that people in college are nicer to you. I'm glad you got to see the contrast. You might still consider taking a break from college, NOT dropping out. I think there is a way to do that, you can ask a counselor. Or maybe you can be a part time student if the pressure is getting to you, compounding on your PTSD. I'm sorry you get taken advantage of. That's part of being a good person I guess. I hide from most people so I don't really experience much of that, although I started going to church about a month ago. I'm glad that you had a breakthrough with God, realizing that he loves you. Keep running the race and try and please God. Just remember if you don't do it perfectly you can still repent and keep trying. I'm glad you believe that your going to heaven. I used to think that too, and I remember when I did I felt a lot better, and a lot more relief. I'm sure Jesus wants to save everyone, so yeah, if your trying I don't see why not. I believe that the scars done to people in this life never fully heal, and that life is not fair. That isn't a biblical view, but my opinion. It sounds like through school you have suffered for God by not hitting back, or even defending yourself for that matter, so good for you. I'm sure there will be rewards for you in the afterlife for swallowing the pain and not hurting others afterwards in your pain. Just try not to kill yourself! That would be hurting someone very badly, namely you. It hurts to know that the people who hurt you are all doing so much better than you are and still hurting you. Your saying that reminds me of my mom. She lived such a good life, and had everything, yet she was always hurting the family she grew up with and my family, and then she turns around and pretends the verbal abuse never even happened. I try to forgive her in my heart of hearts, but I think to some degree my envy compounds with the hurt. I think about how she will have had a loving, loyal husband, while I will probably never get married. I think about how she had kids, even though I've already decided I won't have any, not even adopted kids. I think about how she never had to work a day in her life, and how everyone bends over backwards to give her all the money and love she could ever need, and despite all of that, she still gave me brother really severe anxiety and depression through yelling at him all the time. I think about how she had friends growing up that I didn't have, and how she was able to finish college but I wasn't. All of the envy leaves me feeling more hate filled. I feel like the only suffering she had was trouble making friends in my home town, but by the end of high school as soon as she really tried she had some. She has always been well taken care of, respected, and had friends, but she still was always yelling at my family and driving everybody nuts. anyways, sigh, I'm done with my bitter rant about my mother. What I'm trying to say is I think you're a forgiving guy. I don't know if you envy them or not, but it's upsetting to see people that hate you succeed. It takes a ton of love to overcome that. I agree that that's really upsetting and unfair, and points out how unnecessary their abuse really is. It's like watching rich kids steal from people in the ghetto or something. It's just so unnecessary and unfair. Because in bullying you their like sadistic vampires or something. They drain you of the life energy you need to build yourself up and to succeed, and instead take it away from you to build their sadistic selves up, which is ridiculously unfair since they are already doing so well as it is. I really do wonder if bullies would be less successful in life if they didn't have someone they could beat up all the time. I doubt it. The bullies definitely hate you, but keep in mind that they live off of hate. You're right. as a christian you're supposed to live off of love, namely Christ, and be a light of the world. It's good that you have fond memories of days before the bullying. May you have many happy days afterwards too. I doubt they really thought you were homosexual. I mean, did you say you were homosexual? I didn't and I still got called a lesbian. Really, unless you actually are gay it's just another form of harassment. You don't have to volunteer. It was just a suggestion. I'm currently not volunteering either. I've only volunteered a couple of times. My brother makes the world a better place by being there for his family too, kind of like you are there for people in your life. You definitely deserve to go to a christian website and ask for help. Thanks for praying that I'll find a good job. You don't have to pray too hard for it though, cuz I pray for it almost everyday! ;D I still have a chance to go back to college, I'm just hoping I don't blow it. It's good that you are on an antidepressant. Feel free to take the highest dosage of it. Considering how fragile you are right now, you might want to talk to your family right now and find a way to build yourself back up. Don't worry about your family loving you only because you are their family. There are a lot of people out there that have family that don't love them. Like my mom, after so many years of putting us through hell, me and my brother and my sister really don't love her, even though now after over 20 years of yelling she is trying to be nice. I should really be thankful she stopped yelling, but I'm still so bitter. As you can obviously tell, I have mommy issues. Try not to compare the love one person has for you compared to how much they love another person, even if it's hard. Your life is not meaningless. Everybody has a purpose.




Proverbs 16:4

English Standard Version (ESV)

4 The Lord has made everything for its purpose,
even the wicked for the day of trouble.


As far as society looking down on you, the world loves its own. If you were a part of the world, it would love you.



John 15:18-20ESV



The Hatred of the World
18“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. 19If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. 20Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.

Even though we both live in the USA, which is overall a Christian nation, there is still a worldly culture within it. I bet within the church community you would probably have more respect. From my personal experience there are two major cultures in the USA. There is the Hollywood culture, and then there is the Christian culture. And some preachers argue that even the Christian culture isn't good enough, that we should be more holy. I don't worry about being holy too much, I'm just a couch potato, but the Bible says that we should strive to be holy like Jesus was. Does your life really go downhill or are you just seeing it that way because you aren't living the life you want to? Maybe there is somebody that hates you on this message board, I don't know, but sadly most people on here probably just don't care all that much. I'm kind of boring and depressing, so I have trouble keeping friendships too. I doubt your awful, you sound more than anything terribly depressed. hugs, I read all of that. I hope you read all of mine. It's long.

 

[J0SHUA]

Wow orangeness. I want to give you a trophy. I just want to let you know that you are very kind and have made me feel so much better. I've never told all of those feelings to anyone before and it's nice to see it's in the open and understood by someone. I appreciate you taking the time to address everything I mentioned. Those Bible verses were nice to see as well, thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your mother. That is really awful. I don't understand how some people could be so ungrateful. I am going to get more in touch with the online friends, but one of them doesn't like me as much ever since I became a Christian. I don't mind though, I'd rather live for Christ than him and he would be a bad influence on my faith anyway. And no, I'm not a homosexual. I've always found it disgusting.

Anyways, the positive is I did have some good times in high school. Once I met one of my current closest friend, we did some wild things that I'm not proud of now that I'm a Christian, but at least I had some fun. He swooped in and saved me from terrible experiences. Unfortunately he was only around during sophomore and junior year. There was also this very beautiful girl that liked me a lot. She was one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen and she would stroke my hair and seduce me and say very inappropriate sexual things in public. That behavior was odd but I liked it at the time. Still though, those were great times and it helps me when I have negative high school flashbacks. Now that I start thinking of those times I'm starting to feel a lot better haha. I just need to look at the bright side, even though it was mostly bad memories.

 

[orangeness365]

I'm glad you're feeling better. I would talk about my experiences with my brother and sister all the time and it always made all of us feel better. I'm glad you're feeling better. I think you should probably tell your family and/or a psychologist about your suicidal feelings, so they can get you some help in the future. I'm glad some of high school was fun for you. Yeah, it's good to look back on the good times and laugh. I had good times with my dad, brother, and sister. I got to spend some time with beautiful men when I was in college, but they were much more appropriate, so I know what you mean about reminiscing. I'm glad looking on the bright side is working for you. I'm hopelessly depressing so I have trouble with that. I believe you when you say they were mostly bad memories.

 

[J0SHUA]

I don't want to tell anyone about my suicidal feelings because I don't want them to worry. I never talk to my family about anything personal for the same reason. You don't seem hopelessly depressing to me.

 

[orangeness365]

maybe you should start seeing a psychologist then. I started seeing a psychologist over a year ago, and I think it helped. Or maybe you could tell your psychiatrist? I'm glad you don't think I'm depressing, but I know if nothing else I'm always depressed for some reason or another.

 

[Jeshu]

I haven't been myself and feel confused. I had a mood swing this morning and couldn't stop having suicidal thoughts and felt like all people hate me and that I offend everyone I meet and forever will and am doomed to be hated. My cousin told me I was worthless because I have been a bit tired lately and even though I think she was kidding I took it very personally and thought of cutting off my legs for some reason. I was already upset about other things (many people have screwed me over so many times in the past) and I wanted to feel something other than the pain of being hated by all and useless. I began thinking of my trauma voluntarily and made an effort to dissociate as strongly as possible and to feel no emotion. I then felt like I snapped into a different person. I had lost all emotion and felt absolutely nothing. I tried thinking of things such as physical and emotional bullying from high school which usually brings strong depression and I still felt nothing. I then felt like others were worthless and that they wished they were loved as much as I am (which was very contradictory). I then broke down into a massive feeling of guilt and almost had a panic attack because I thought I had gone crazy and that I had no possibility of getting through another day. I began to feel that I deserved being hated by all because I have offended them too much. It used to feel unfair and it then started feeling fair like I deserved it. I felt confused and didn't know who I was and felt like apologizing to all people for my alternate self who has a tendency to offend others without feeling emotions attached to the offensive things I said. I then felt even more hated by society and had an unbearable suicidal feeling. I got very nauseous and felt like a car was laying over my chest. I then started riding a bike around the neighborhood and had this feeling that I deserved death and I went to a turn in the street and jerked my bike into the left side of the road.There was no one there on the other side of the corner, I wouldn't be here if there was, and felt dissapointed in myself because the drivers wanted me dead. I stopped to text my friend and felt like she secretly hated me too and the weight on my chest feeling got stronger. I begged God to forgive me of my sins and my offenses to others and to help me stop hurting other people and felt like He was disappointed with me and couldn't forgive me. It felt like He was saying "nope, you've gone too far joshua." I rode the bike back home and had a drink of peppermint schnapps my aunt had in her garage and almost threw up. It was worse than wine. I went in the house and layed with my aunt's dog. I felt a little better but still felt the pain of being put down by everyone. I still feel crossed over with a different person and my mind is fuzzy and hurts. I'm going to read the Bible and knock myself out with sleeping pills. Please don't tell me to call a hotline. Last time I did so the woman had a tough woman attitude and it made me feel worse. Whoever is reading this please know I'm sorry and that I never intended to offend anyone. If you are upset with me and want revenge please know this heavy guilt is enough punishment. Please forgive me and ask God to forgive me. I promise I will do my best to change myself. I understand why you are upset and I wish I could take it back. Please tell me you hate me or curse at me or something, I feel like people are holding grudges and hatred inside. Take it out on me please. I feel like there's no one to turn to and no way to escape these feelings. If I turned to someone for help they'd feel happy inside knowing that I'm suffering. I need a hug and a close friend to me tell me they love me and care for me and I need to know they mean it. I'm terrified of the future and need something. Please forgive me and pray for me. I don't want to come on here anymore and I don't want to offend anymore people. I don't feel worthy to operate in society and will avoid unnecessary social contact.

Reading your sad story tells me again that depression brings so many untruths into us it is incredible. Such lies keep away Christ and His help. All so called truths about ourselves and others which hurt us and bring us misery! I used to have all these feelings as well but after meeting up with Jesus in my heart it ended up dying in me, now I am at Rest.

I'm still often depressed, seeing I got a depressive illness, but not near as bad as before Christ touched me. I have hope now, and meaning, and place and station!

Seek after Christ's love, find all your worth in Him, read the Word until you know Him, and the loving gentle person He truly is. Let Him get you out of your inner hell. Jesus forgives you all your crimes! Jesus will take your guilt away! Jesus will set you free from the constant gossip.

Please forgive others and forgive yourself, love your enemies, love yourself with the love that Christ has for you.

Honest we can meet Jesus in our heart, if we have faith in The Word, and walk in love, then He walks beside of us, glorious in power and majesty, and so loving, gentle and kind, it is mind blowing to be touched by Jesus. He teaches us the way we ought to go and gets us always out of trouble.

This is what you need most of all!

Faith in God's Son, Jesus Christ, and in His love over you and all.

His love is good life and He can grow us stronger than depression can bring to bear, for when we are weak then He is strong, fighting our battles for us and in us.

It all works through faith. Faith in the Son of God revitalises us, He brings our good life back, even when depression lingers.

be greatly encouraged.



A Way Out Of Depression

How can we have meaning if we don't love?
everything else is but a clinging cymbal,
a sounding gong!
...of no importance in the scheme of things,
a loving faith takes us Home to Him!
He who is love Himself!
Hide in His love!
..and love His children,
and all Creation too!
and find a way out,
of this hell hole we've been in.
His love the way out of depression.

 

[J0SHUA]

maybe you should start seeing a psychologist then. I started seeing a psychologist over a year ago, and I think it helped. Or maybe you could tell your psychiatrist? I'm glad you don't think I'm depressing, but I know if nothing else I'm always depressed for some reason or another.

My therapist doesn't help. I feel like it's a waste of money even though most of it is covered by insurance. I don't want to switch because I feel like it will be a complicated procedure.

 

[J0SHUA]

Thanks Jeshu.

 

[orangeness365]

My therapist doesn't help. I feel like it's a waste of money even though most of it is covered by insurance. I don't want to switch because I feel like it will be a complicated procedure.

Well, maybe tell them you're suicidal, even if you don't switch therapists.

 

[J0SHUA]

Well, maybe tell them you're suicidal, even if you don't switch therapists.

Ok, I will schedule an appointment soon. What if it's too much for him and he gets overwhelmed by what I tell him? Do you think he will be ok? What do you think he will do when he discovers I've been suicidal?

 

[orangeness365]

Ok, I will schedule an appointment soon. What if it's too much for him and he gets overwhelmed by what I tell him? Do you think he will be ok? What do you think he will do when he discovers I've been suicidal?

nah, he won't get overwhelmed. He's a psychologist, they are trained to handle that stuff. You might end up getting hospitalized, but you can just say that you won't kill yourself and you won't have to go. He'll be fine. He might be surprised though, if you haven't told him about it before. I tell my psychologist and psychiatrist that I'm suicidal all the time, and they just check that I'm not going to act on it. I've been feeling suicidal for a the past year, but it was worst over a year ago. I've since gotten better and am resigned to living the life of a couch potato.

 

[J0SHUA]

Thanks. You have been very helpful orange. Please don't ever kill yourself, no matter what.

 

[graciesings]

Joshua, I also have a hard time talking about important issues with my family. What helps me is to have a trusted friend or mentor either outside my family or online that I can confide in. I find it a lot easier to open my heart and ask for advice if the person doesn't actually know me, or isn't someone who could hurt me if they started ignoring me. I guess I feel like my parents are too important and I can't risk them thinking bad of me. But I can often open up to a teacher or a friend or someone online.

 

[J0SHUA]

Joshua, I also have a hard time talking about important issues with my family. What helps me is to have a trusted friend or mentor either outside my family or online that I can confide in. I find it a lot easier to open my heart and ask for advice if the person doesn't actually know me, or isn't someone who could hurt me if they started ignoring me. I guess I feel like my parents are too important and I can't risk them thinking bad of me. But I can often open up to a teacher or a friend or someone online.

Thanks, I do have one helpful friend who said she is always there for me. She's one of the online friends I've had for over 4 years. She definitely doesn't hate me and she is a good listener so I feel ok in that area. My parents know about my PTSD but that's pretty much it. They only know about PTSD because I was having mental breakdowns everyday for the first week of my trauma with constant panic attacks. If it weren't for that they wouldn't have a clue what's going on in my head lol.