Please help me

[Beef]

For the past two years I have been through hell and back with my wife. She definately has some kind of mental issues...last feb she checked herself in to a mental hospital, and they thought it was bad depression, our counselor now thinks she has borderline personality disorder...none the less the worst thing is she has very irrational anger. I am not perfect, but she says she was not like this before she met me. I have said some things i shouldnt, like anyone...for example this wkd she cut the cord to my fan because i left it on, and she also cut up my w2 forms due to anger. I got upset, and did end up saying i was going to a lawyer, and she didnt like that..now today i have tried to be nice, now she wants a divorce. We seperated for a little while because she wanted to, and ended up coming back together...now she says she wants a divorce. I am very hurt, i have stuck by her through a lot of absolutely crazy stuff..even my family who is Christian think i should leave, but im trying to be a good person...and it just seems like my life sucks...i have always tried to be a good person, and keep getting hammered with this crap. Please offer advice and prayer.
__________________

 

[madison1101]

I was very out of control during most of my 25 year marriage. I have been in psychotherapy, and on medication, for 22 years. It took my husband leaving me, and filing for divorce, for me to snap out of the immature cycle I was in. He has since remarried.

Is your wife a Christian? Is she in psychotherapy? Does she see a psychiatrist for medication?

During the worst of my marriage, I threatened to divorce my husband. I thought he was to blame for all my problems. After he left me, I had flashbacks of all my past behavior, and I was truly devastated by my memories. The shame I felt was overwhelming.

If you want to try and save your marriage, get yourself some therapy. I truly believe that anyone living with someone with borderline personality disorder suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. My husband was actually diagnosed with it.

No matter what happens, don't believe her problems are your fault. That blame shifting is something I did over and over again.

 

[anonym00s]

For the past two years I have been through hell and back with my wife. She definately has some kind of mental issues...last feb she checked herself in to a mental hospital, and they thought it was bad depression, our counselor now thinks she has borderline personality disorder...none the less the worst thing is she has very irrational anger. I am not perfect, but she says she was not like this before she met me. I have said some things i shouldnt, like anyone...for example this wkd she cut the cord to my fan because i left it on, and she also cut up my w2 forms due to anger. I got upset, and did end up saying i was going to a lawyer, and she didnt like that..now today i have tried to be nice, now she wants a divorce. We seperated for a little while because she wanted to, and ended up coming back together...now she says she wants a divorce. I am very hurt, i have stuck by her through a lot of absolutely crazy stuff..even my family who is Christian think i should leave, but im trying to be a good person...and it just seems like my life sucks...i have always tried to be a good person, and keep getting hammered with this crap. Please offer advice and prayer.
__________________

Doesn't surprise me too much, given that she is dealing with borderline.

I had a friend who was borderline basically her whole life who is now completely free from it - no psychiatrists, no medication. Medication only temporarily relieves the SYMPTOMS without going after the actual problem. She was freed from the borderline by applying God's Word in her life. As far as I can tell, and from what she has told me, the root causes of borderline are the fear of abandonment and worthlessness. So what's makes a person borderline is the fact that they believe lies from Satan (that they are worthless, etc.). Once they stop believing those lies, they cease to be borderline. Jesus told us "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32)

Yes I got alot of attacks, so to speak, from her when I claimed she could so easily be over her borderline (part of it was that people don't like when you take away their excuse for bad behavior - "I'm borderline so it's not so bad I did that"). But today she's sees what I mean because she is living it. It's not just me that notices, but her spouse, friends, family, and fellow church members. She comments with excitement that people now treat her differently since she has stopped believing those lies.

I don't know what you'll think about this, because she would tell me with frustration "are you an M.D.? Can you diagnose things?" She would get so frustrated when I told her things like "Diagnosed borderline? You know, that's just words on a paper. You could be over that tonight." And she sees what I mean now, and also sees that she just had to go through a few things first (and so did I) before she made it through. But I believed in her every step of the way and that is what your wife needs from you right now. You may not be getting the care you need from your spouse, but your spouse needs you right now - you have to be the bigger person. If you can't then maybe you do need some time to recover with some mature christians.

Either way, I am here if you want to know more. PM me if you want.

 

[madison1101]

Doesn't surprise me too much, given that she is dealing with borderline.

I had a friend who was borderline basically her whole life who is now completely free from it - no psychiatrists, no medication. Medication only temporarily relieves the SYMPTOMS without going after the actual problem. She was freed from the borderline by applying God's Word in her life. As far as I can tell, and from what she has told me, the root causes of borderline are the fear of abandonment and worthlessness. So what's makes a person borderline is the fact that they believe lies from Satan (that they are worthless, etc.). Once they stop believing those lies, they cease to be borderline. Jesus told us "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32)

Yes I got alot of attacks, so to speak, from her when I claimed she could so easily be over her borderline (part of it was that people don't like when you take away their excuse for bad behavior - "I'm borderline so it's not so bad I did that"). But today she's sees what I mean because she is living it. It's not just me that notices, but her spouse, friends, family, and fellow church members. She comments with excitement that people now treat her differently since she has stopped believing those lies.

I don't know what you'll think about this, because she would tell me with frustration "are you an M.D.? Can you diagnose things?" She would get so frustrated when I told her things like "Diagnosed borderline? You know, that's just words on a paper. You could be over that tonight." And she sees what I mean now, and also sees that she just had to go through a few things first (and so did I) before she made it through. But I believed in her every step of the way and that is what your wife needs from you right now. You may not be getting the care you need from your spouse, but your spouse needs you right now - you have to be the bigger person. If you can't then maybe you do need some time to recover with some mature christians.

Either way, I am here if you want to know more. PM me if you want.

Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder is not so simple with all people with that diagnosis. My BPD was the result of childhood sexual abuse and real abandonment as a child. I recommend intensive psychotherapy with a licensed psychologist of social worker, along with mentorship by a mature believer the same gender as the patient. Meds are usually good to help deal with symptoms. Many BPD patients also suffer from underlying depression and anxiety, that are organic, not situational. My transformation was with both psychotherapy and meds, PLUS mentorship with a mature Christian sister. She taught me the Truths of God's Word, and helped me apply what I learned about myself in psychotherapy.

Also, your diagnosis of BPD is not accurate. There are nine possible diagnostic criteria for BPD, and it requires five to be diagnosed. I am a Licensed Social Worker, as well as a BPD patient. Abandonment and self-esteem issues barely scratch the surface of the diagnosis. Plus, there is usually a severe childhood trauma that has never been dealt with professionally.

God bless.

 

[anonym00s]

I didn't mean to diagnose BPD, but was just trying to explain what the root causes were (at least what my formerly BPD, who was diagnosed, freind told me they were). I'm not sure what the DSM-IV criteria are.

 

[madison1101]

I didn't mean to diagnose BPD, but was just trying to explain what the root causes were (at least what my formerly BPD, who was diagnosed, freind told me they were). I'm not sure what the DSM-IV criteria are.

I understand. What you were describing are symptoms, not causes. The causes occur in childhood, and adolescence. That is where intensive psychotherapy helps. It helps identify where the negative thinking started, and then helps dispute it. That is where my mentor in the Lord helped give me Biblical Truth to learn in the Scripture.

God bless.

Trish

 

[Zippy the Wonderslug]

Hi Madison.

There are nine possible diagnostic criteria for BPD,

Could you possibly post these for us?

Thanks ahead.