Please help me!

[beckyjustbecky]

Ahhhh Guys, Forgive me before I start this for the rant. I didnt know where else to turn.

Backround info. Mum is an alcoholic. Lovely person sober. Would do anything for anyone. Shes an entirely different person when drunk and I really hate the person she becomes with Drink. I changed my religion/faith 4 years ago. Best decision I ever made. Everyone around me sees how happy I am, and comments on it regularly. I have 3 brothers. The younger one (14) is involved in my Faith also, he loves it and finds solace there. Mum allows him to come. The elder one (16) isn't too pushed, but is grand with it. Comes along when it suits him but wouldnt be something he is passionate about.

Anyway there was a family party last night. All was going well. Myself and a cousin had fell out a while ago and managed to patch things up again last night. Everyone was in great form. Myself and her fell out because both our mums had fallen out and out of loyalty to out parents we each took our mums side. Silly now. We both realise that. Anyway mum was drunk and giving out about how myself and cousin shouldnt have fallen out. Cousin then said "Sure if u and mam wernt fighting we wouldnt have fallen out." That was all that was said!!!

Mum went on to yell and shout at me, (a regular occurrence when drink is had). I said I was leaving and going home. My 2 brothers begged me to take them too. I said yes of course! Explained that I was going to Church in the morning (today) and They would have to come as I wouldnt have time to leave them home (15 miles in the opposite direction). The younger brother said NP! The older one didnt wanna go. I genuinely wouldnt have had time to leave him home and make it on time. Granted he isnt pushed. But hes went lots of times by his own choice, but it was 2am and I think he just didnt wanna get up early and I wouldnt leave him home alone. Mam then went on to shout about how Im "Brainwashed " and Im not going to force my brothers to allow themselves to be brainwashed too. How the sheer sight of my makes her ashamed that she gave birth to me and "should a lorry Cross my path while driving home, please fell free to drive under it". Now I've buried 2 of my best friends this year due to suicide. Hearing those words from my mother, no matter how much she annoys me still hurts like hell.

Anyway I had asked her a while ago not to drink till 11pm at my wedding. Because she would fight with her shadow when drunk. She had a face on her but reluctantly agreed. Then last night told me " F**K you and your wedding, I wouldnt want anything to do with it or you. I wont stand in that building you call a church and Ive washed my hands off you, Your a hateful spiteful evil little girl and you are dead to me"

Guys Im so hurt. This is the most hurtful thing shes ever said to me. Usually Id have a thick skin and get over it. And I know shes my mam. But this time I just feel like washing my hands of her and going on hols and getting married. Im dreading my wedding coz stuff like this always happens at events shes invited to. I have my dress ordered, my BM dresses ordered. Deposit on the hotel. And I just dont want to go ahead with "the big day"

Please give me your thoughts coz my head is wreaked!

 

[Life2Christ]

This is a tough one. Please know that its the alcohol talking and not your mom. I think addiction is a form of possession. So many addicted people just lose their ability to make the right choices. They ruin relationships to the extreme. Give this problem to the Lord, tell Him you can't handle this. I love my mother dearly but she is somewhat of a narcissist (emotionally speaking, she comes first and everyone else comes second). She has said things to me that have destroyed me so I understand what you are talking about. Don't give up on your mom but don't put yourself under her authority either, not in this condition. Ask God to handle this. You need to live in peace. Keep praying for her.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

Thank you for your advice. Ive been praying for my Mum for 4 years solid and it seems she just gets worse! I feel like I should just walk away at this point and start my new life with my Fiance, But part of me thinks Ill regreat getting married without her. Im so confused.

Praying seems like the only option but there are so many things yelling in my space that Im finding it so difficult to hear god on this one.

 

[DuaneG]

I'll be praying for you.
This is such a difficult situation..
My father when he was "well", even while sober use to tell me things like I'd never amount to anything, I was lazy and worthless, etc. it took him until he was on his death bed to tell me he was proud of me (only once) and realize the mistake.
I was so upset I didn't even come see him while he was dying. I regret that now.

Sometimes the only way we can love some one is at a distance, it's the best relationship me and my mother have, even though we semi live together.
I'm very sorry for the hurtful things your mother has said, realize that it is just her addiction, don't hold it against her and don't allow it to effect you.
Realize the truth in the Bible. You don't live for her, you live for God.
God says in John 1 that you were born not of the will of man, nor of flesh and blood, but of God. God wanted you here, and realize, one day you WILL be glorified, and if you share in Christ's sufferings, a co-heir with Christ, and reigning on His earthly throne with Him! (Revelation 2)
Don't allow your mom to tell you you're brainwashed, you have revelation of the Lord.

Psalm 1:1,
Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper.

Meditate on God's word day and night, realize who you are in Christ and the words of your mother, will not effect you, for they are the words of the devil.
Without getting too offensive, I think, I'll stop there.

God bless you, girl.

 

[Life2Christ]

But part of me thinks Ill regreat getting married without her. Im so confused.

I know this feeling well. Our mothers' blessing is so vital to our health and to our self-esteem. We are always looking for mom's approval on everything. It makes the world better. Maybe your identity is wrapped up a little too tightly in mom. I know mine is. Your identity should be wrapped up in God. No one is saying to stop loving your mom, but if you take back some of your identity and give it to God, you will be a much stronger person. Being a stronger person means you can be strong for your mom, and she will need it down the line.

By the way, if it makes you feel any better, when I told my mom I was getting baptized in the Holy Spirit she too said I was brainwashed...except she was 100% sober.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

yea Mum says this on a regular occurrence. And I can deal with that. Heck they crucified the Son of God and said he was a liar. So I can deal with the opposition. I will stand for what I believe in. God changed my life and she cannot deny that.

I just feel so down in myself. I lost 2 very close friends this year to suicide and today I was thinking, maybe they are better off! I wish I had the courage. Oh God forgive me. But those thoughts linger every now and then.

I dont expect to have a perfect life. I just watched my friends get married and their familys were so happy and so behind them. For me its a constant struggle and I dont have the energy any more. I came on here because I knew I would get Godly advise in a situation that is so opposite.

Thank you

 

[Emmy]

Dear beckyjustbecky. Why can`t you leave home? Jesus gave us 2 Commandments: love God with all our hearts, all our souls and all our minds, also love our neighbour, all others, friends or not friends, as we love ourselves. Jesus told us that on these 2 Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets. From what I understand your Mum is Alcoholic, and when she is sober she is quite sensible. She needs help, and so do you.To pray to God is of first importance, but you also have to help to ease this terrible situation. I know that the Salvation-Army specialises in helping Alcohol-related cases, or perhaps any other place, ask and you should be helped. you also talk of marrying, can`t your future partner help you? Keep bringing your great need to God, and ask for other help, too. God will guide you, watch out for His help. I say this with love. Greetings from Emmy, sister in Christ.

 

[Johnnz]

Alcoholism destroys people and families. It can be really difficult for children when a parent is an alcoholic. The pain of that will continue I'm afraid. But you are setting out in the right direction. When you are married, however fraught a wedding might be, you will be starting to live your own life with a new freedom and out of your own values. You will find real fulfilment in that.

John
NZ

 

[Mobiosity]

If you've got a big strong friend you can absolutely count on, ask that friend to keep close to and keep an eye on your mom. If she starts to drink, said friend can ease her out of the celebration until the 11:00 time frame she originally agreed to.

My parents were both alcoholics, after mom died, dad remarried. At the wedding of my best friend, he agreed not to drink, and he didn't. We had trouble with my step-mother getting drunk. Dad got her out of there (that's where I got the idea of a friend handling your mom).

 

[salida]

Pray for her and keep your distance after the wedding and during.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

You've all been so great.
I could leave home, but that would mean renting somewhere else. Which would take a chunk out of the wedding savings as myself my my Fiance are paying for it ourselves.
We've got a house to live in after we are married, but he is living there at the moment as his family have disowned him since he made his decision to follow the The Lord. We've talked about my moving in and having seperate bedrooms until the wedding which is in April. But we both feel the temptation would be too much.

I also don't think I could leave my brothers there with her. I know I will have to after Im married, but at the moment I cook, clean, care for my brothers. When she kicks off I put them in the car and leave. I know if I am not there, they have to put up with her and that breaks my heart coz I know I had to do it for long enough.

Its just such a complicated situation. Part of me feels like after the wedding is going to be worse because I am going to have to take a step and start my new life.

I dont want my brothers to think Ive just abandoned them

 

[Bleach1]

Thank you sharing

 

[joey_downunder]

If you are concerned about your brothers when you've left home, are they able to come and stay with you if things get too difficult? Does Ireland have a social security system to help carers?

 

[december1990]

I just want you to know that it's not your Mum speaking it's the alcohol. She sounds to me like she may be an alcoholic and I bet when she's sober she would regret knowing what she said while she was hammered drunk.

I know the feeling because I have an Aunt her name is Ebey and she was an alcoholic to. She drank all day and by night she'd be drinking even more and her eyes would look all glassy and she would scream things at people like "I hate you!" and everything.

All I can say is when she curses Church it's not her. When she yells at you it's not her. It's either unclean spirits or her being drunk.

I hope you enjoy your wedding. I know you still can, just talk things over with your husband and try to get advice from your pastors or Church members if your comfortable and trust them with your life story. Also... ask the Church to pray for your mother and pray that nothing will go wrong at the wedding.

God bless you and try not to let what your Mum said to you hurt you because it's not her its the alcohol