amie !
You gave me such a warm welcome when I logged on to these forums for the first time yesterday... I would never have imagined you were hurting so much, so recently.
Do you like to read?
One book that helped me during hard times, was the book called THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL by a Catholic Mystic named St John of the Cross.
I am not Catholic... but I respect many of the writings of the saints.....
Warning: It is heavy going.... Get a very modern translation!!!
This book is written by one of the greatest Spiritual Directors who ever served in the Catholic faith....
The basic idea being that suffering and even depression are explained as God's purifying fire, getting us ready for a great service to the Kingdom.
The idea is presented that when we 'catch fire' for God, it sometimes is not as we expected, all joy and fun (though this often happens for a season, at first)...
Growing mature in the spirit works more like a log that catches fire....
How an ordinary log catches fire for God !
First the outer layers catch fire, and give a quick light, as when we first come to salvation...
But then things slow down, and the log has to get all black and ugly from the heat of the flames next to it,
Water or steam has to be driven off, maybe even some insects have to crawl out of the cracks that start to show up.... (sins need to leave?)
BUT - THEN - FINALLY - when the work of getting ready is done, and all the impurities are driven off, the log catches fire in earnest and gives off a bright flame of its own !
When we suffer in our maturation process, it is like the refiner's fire, wich will, in the end, make pure Gold according to the bible.
Did you know the hottestest fires make the Best Gold !
I am sure you have heard that God will not give us more than we can bear.... ( sometimes He thinks more highly of me than I would like
)
As somebody once said, it is a great honor to be trusted with such suffering. It may not feel like an honor, but it prepares us for service....
I am rambling now, for which I apologize, but wanted to share about how much this book helped me when nothing else seemed to reach through the black clouds.
