Please help me

[Cassandra]

Ok...

A few weeks ago I got drunk over a guy's house (who likes me but who I have no interest in) and he took advantage of me. I was so out of it I didn't care what was happening at the time...I think I even blacked out a bit. I feel so horrible.

The other thing is he WASN'T drunk and he KNOWS I have no interest in him.

I haven't been able to talk to my family or friends about it. When I try I just...can't.

 

[Anichai]

Please elaborate. I don't understand the extent of the damage he did to you. I want to help you to fix yourself but I can't do that without knowing the damage caused.

 

[Determinedheart]

Ok...

A few weeks ago I got drunk over a guy's house (who likes me but who I have no interest in) and he took advantage of me. I was so out of it I didn't care what was happening at the time...I think I even blacked out a bit. I feel so horrible.

The other thing is he WASN'T drunk and he KNOWS I have no interest in him.

I haven't been able to talk to my family or friends about it. When I try I just...can't.

I am sorry this hapened to you it must be very difficult .
There is a forum that might be better able to give you some advice for this situation it is called
Survivors of sexual assault.

Hope this helps

 

[Cassandra]

Please elaborate. I don't understand the extent of the damage he did to you. I want to help you to fix yourself but I can't do that without knowing the damage caused.

I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Some guy had his way with me while I was nearly passed out after getting me drunk. He knew full well the condition I was in. I've only ever had sex with one man in my life...and he promised to marry me. Unfortunately that didn't last and I swore I'd wait for a stronger committment. I'm that type of woman.

 

[TexasGirl06]

Cassandra.... Take your burden to the Lord Almighty.
He wants to lift your burdens.

He is the Prince of Peace.

And,
our Lord doesn't want us to be in a drunken state.
He says this....
because he loves us and wants to protect us from the very thing that happened to you.

I am sorry for your pain....
Spend some knee time with Him.
His arms are really big,
and He loves you so much.

 

[TexasGirl06]

Hi Cassandra....
I just realized that you are not a Christian.

But...
everything I said is still true for you.

He loves you.
His love is so great, that He sent His one and only son to die for your sin.

I'm glad to talk to you more about The Lord.
You can PM me, if you wish.

 

[heron]

Cassandra, so sorry to hear about this.
Is there any chance that he drugged you? I just ask, because the scenario sounds so typical -- it was not your choice, you both knew there wasn't mutual love involved, so obviously he didn't care anything about you as a person. It was clearly a crime against you.

Whether he drugged you or not, and whether you drank too much or not, it was still a crime.

I know that it's hard to sort out, especially when you're dealing with the shock of what happened. But tell a few people around you so that they can give you the strength to take some steps about it.

Rape is not just as personally intrusive as it comes, but it subjects you to possible pregnancy and terminal diseases. It can change your life in so many ways. Rape is not an act that a person should be able to laugh off, or make you feel guilty for allowing.

Make an appointment with your doctor, and let them give you some ideas on how to approach it.

A little while ago I looked up stats on date rapes on college campuses, and found that the department of justice had changed terminology to "acquaintance rape". They said that most of the date rapes were exactly as you describe -- not dates at all, but friends who imposed themselves on people they knew weren't interested in dating them.

And the DOJ knew that many, many went unreported because the women felt guilty, or the crime didn't seem bad enough at the time to turn in a friend.

 

[wiggbuggie]

well the greater sin and danger is the guy who raped you he had no self control. also limit your drinking use (dont get drunk) pray let the holy spirit comfort you

 

[LilLamb219]

I'd investigate as well about the date rape drug (because you think you blacked out). Are you thinking of pressing charges against this guy? Have you stopped drinking since then now that you know that the consequences of your actions weren't what you intended?

 

[Maharg]

Cassandra

I'm really sorry about what happened to you. I have said a quiet prayer for you.

Maharg

 

[Digit]

Hi Cassandra,

I'm also very sorry that this has happened. The guilt you feel, whilst of course very real, will pass in time and something that God offers us, is the chance of a fresh start whenever we want it. Belief in God is not required for you to talk to Him. You say you have trouble talking to your family or friends about it, which is understandable. In the quiet of your own room, you can just sit there and close your eyes and talk to God. It will help, trust me on this one.

Secondly, and this part you may not like to hear, but you can avoid such situations by having more control over drinking. By being accountable to a friend at a party or by controlling your own alcohol intake and moderating it with runners (non-alcoholic drinks that stagger the assimilation of alcohol into your blood). Often we find that bad things happen to us, when we put ourselves in bad situations. Parties can be awesome, yet make sure they are awesome for the right reason. Not because you got hammered and passed out, but because you had an awesome time, met a great guy and spent time with your friends.

I would work to obtain your confidence back, and after offering this to the Lord, ask for Him to aid you in being more assertive and confident when dealing with this particular boy. You have nothing to be ashamed of when you are cloaked in the light, and should not be wary of being around him. If anything, you should be strong and be ready to aid those who may find themselves in a similar situation in the future.

God can always take a bad situation and turn it around to work in His favour. Let Him work in you, and you will see just that. Your experience may be able to help another someday.

Cheers,
Digit

 

[heron]

Whether you put yourself in a vulnerable position or not,
there was no justification for someone abusing that vulnerability.

There is nothing right about what he did, nothing that deserves that amount of power over you, absolutely no reason for such an invasion of space and identity. This kind of attack stays with people for their whole lives.

It bothers me that there are men who laugh about rape and ruphenol, what they can get away with, and media support this kind of humor. It goes far beyond careless irresponsibility and selfishness.

It doesn't matter how you dressed, how coherent you were, how you behaved that night, or even if you flirted. You did not offer your mutual consent.

 

[Maharg]

Cassandra,

I've been thinking about you, and I read a scripture that maybe will help.

Jesus said "Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean'" (Mark 7v15)

It just made me think, no matter what anyone does to us, how they invade us physically or mentally, it does not make us less 'clean'; it is not that we should feel ashamed if we have been abused or violated. The person doing the violating should be ashamed. It is only our own actions for which we are responsible.

Nothing this man did to you is anything for you to feel ashamed about. He took advantage of you and he was wrong, and may God forgive him. I pray that you will find loving support in your difficult circumstances and that you will experience true healing from the abuse you have experienced.

God bless you,

maharg

 

[constance]

Cassandra, what is done is done. You can't go back and change it.

I have spent so much of my life running away from my mistakes...or hiding the consequences from people. My life has become soo much easier when I'm able to be open with people about my life.

If you don't feel like you should prosecute him, you should certainly think of ways that you can make sure you don't end up in that situation again...

 

[Angeldove97]

Hi Sweetie,
Please don't let the shame enter your heart---do not think any less of yourself because this happened. And I speak from experience too, so I'm not just saying this to be comfort you. I know it's hard---that shame may still sneak up on you years to come.

You might not want to share it with friends or family just yet---it took awhile before I finally told a friend what happened. But I remember as soon as I got away from all of that there was but one person I turned to: Jesus. I rededicated my life to Him and He helped me every step of the way since. Sadly, I started turning my back on humans---but God took care of that by bringing two amazing Christian Brothers into my life (one of which I'm dating now).

It's very scary---and I would suggest that you stay away from this guy. That's the other thing I made up my mind: to never talk to the guy who did that to me ever again. And I still haven't seen him, it's been about 5 years almost.

I know you aren't a Christian believer, but if you do have a Bible around, please just take a few moments to read some chapters from the Book of Psalms. Every time I get down, I read that---I hear the Lord speaking to me and calming my heart.

May you be blessed

 

[GreyWolf]

Just a note to you, Digit.

You said that one can "avoid such situations" if you don't drink.

I would like to say that a woman cannot avoid rape by refusing to drink. I don't know if that is what you meant. But I had my own experience. I met a 'good christian' guy in church when I was 16. We became friends, and he invited me over one day. We sat together playing video games, and he suddenly pinned me down and assaulted me- fortunately, he did not actually rape me, but what he did do could, under the law, be classified as sexual assault. I have no wish to spell out exactly what he did.

No matter how careful a woman is, she cannot always avoid these situations. Maybe I was wrong to go over his house- but he was a Christian kid, a respected, well-liked kid, and there seemed to be no danger. I was not drunk. Neither was he.

I didn't tell anyone for seven years. I found out he was in jail for raping another girl. Who knows how many of us there are?

And I can say honestly, I kept my mouth shut because of posts like yours and others in this thread. I know you all mean well by saying how she 'shouldn't have gotten drunk." but she doesn't need to hear that now, she already feels guilty and dirty enough. People blame us, the victims, in subtle ways like that. It is only hurtful and does not help or accomplish anything. Maybe it makes people feel better to blame the victim (oh, she shouldn't have been drunk, alone with him, etc) because then they don't have to confront it, don't have to acknowledge that it could happen to them or to someone they love. There is a myth that 'good girls don't get raped' and that it can be avoided by being 'smart.' This only adds to the pain victims feel. Please keep in mind that the sexual assault victim has already gone over in her head, a thousand times, how she was stupid to do X. How it is her fault because she got drunk, went to his room, didn't take her mace with her when she went into the parking garage, etc. The victim will always blame herself already, far more than anyone else could. She already knows she shouldn't have done whatever she did to put her in danger. It only hurts to hear it from other people.

 

[heron]

No matter how careful a woman is, she cannot always avoid these situations. Maybe I was wrong to go over his house- but he was a Christian kid, a respected, well-liked kid, and there seemed to be no danger. I was not drunk. Neither was he.

I can't tell you how many times I trusted people and found myself in situations where I was at risk.

People say that women think about sex a lot less than men do, and I assume this lack of suspicion, or awareness of how guys think, is what gets us into some predicaments. We like to have friends, and don't expect them to attack us.


Some data:[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I[/FONT]n the United States, a rape is reported about once every five minutes. - FBI Uniform Crime Report, 1997

• Rape is called "the most underreported violent crime in America." In a large national survey of American women, only 16% of the rapes (approximately one out of every six) had ever been reported to the police.
  Rape in America: A Report to the Nation, National Victim Center, 1992

• In a study conducted by the Department of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, researchers interviewed 8,000 women and 8,000 men. Using a definition of rape that includes [sexual assualt], the survey found that 1 in 6 women had experienced an attempted rape or a completed rape. At the time they were raped:
  22% were under the age of twelve
  54% were under the age of eighteen
  83% were under the age of twenty-five​

http://www.vpul.upenn.edu/ohe/library/violence/statistics.htm

(Most of the eleven-year olds were not drunk.)

 

[Cassandra]

Thank you all for your replies. I regret to say I haven't done anything...like press charges or talk to someone. I want to...but it's still very difficult. So far I've just broken contact with the guy.

As far as my drinking...no, I haven't gotten that drunk again. You see, I'm not a drinker usually. I thought I was being smart though, because I was staying over at a "friend's" house instead of driving home drunk. How was I to know what would happen?

 

[tapero]

Thank you all for your replies. I regret to say I haven't done anything...like press charges or talk to someone. I want to...but it's still very difficult. So far I've just broken contact with the guy.

As far as my drinking...no, I haven't gotten that drunk again. You see, I'm not a drinker usually. I thought I was being smart though, because I was staying over at a "friend's" house instead of driving home drunk. How was I to know what would happen?

Hi, It's never a woman's fault no matter what the situation is when any type assault occurs. No person has the right to do anything to another person so hon, please don't ever think such.

You're right of course to say , how was I to know what would happen. We have no way of knowing when another will hurt us, and again, it's not your fault, and never would be.

Here is a link to Recovery forums which are awesome forums if you've not been there.

http://foru.ms/f557-survivors-of-sexual-assault.html

There are other forums there as well as you'll see listed.

God bless,
tapero

 

[pamaris]

Hi Cassandra,
I have been in exactly the same situation as you many years ago (14 years!) . I can't remember how it came out but at some point I told my mom. In exasperation once she said, "Well if you hadn't gotten drunk and put yourself in the situation, you wouldn't have gotten yourself raped!." Gee thanks mom...
She realized right away that it was not a helpful thing to say... but anyway I had very mixed feelings about the incident. I hesitated to call it "rape" because I was awake though totally wasted and not fully coherent and I didn't say no. However the reason I didn't say no was because I did not possess all of my mental faculties. Which is because I got drunk, which was my fault.

If you are confused or feel guilty about what happened, do see a counselor. And have a physical check up as well, to make sure that there will be no lasting effects from that night. Unfortunately this is not the first time nor the last time that something like this has happened.

Honestly, guilt is not a helpful, healthy emotion. Often guilt and shame drive us to repeat the behaviors we are running away from. So, please don't feel guilty. As cliche as it sounds, we all make mistakes. I did many things way worse than the incident I mentioned in this post. It is more important to put yourself in a place where you are happy, hopeful and healthy than to feel guilt and shame about the past.

Don't worry and don't feel ashamed. In 14 years you will be just like me, happy and healthy with kids and a husband (if that is what you want) and this painful, confusing incident will be water under the bridge. I don't mean to minimize it, but I remember when it happened to me it would have helped if someone had been able to put it in perspective for me. It also would have helped if I had set my guilt and shame aside.

The only part that is "your fault" (if you want to look at it that way) is getting drunk. Make sure the level of guilt you feel is appropriate for what you actually did (get drunk). People get drunk all the time. The other thing that happened is not your fault, even though it seems like you allowed it to happen by getting drunk. It really isn't your fault.

With me, the bigger picture was that I was not in a happy, healthy place in life, so I put myself through some painful experiences (with and without alcohol and other substances).

PM me if I can help or if you have any questions.
God Bless
Penny