I could use some encouraging words. After some searching around the internet and seeking some inspiration I came across this website and decided to tell a little about myself and my story. If you have 10-15 minutes welcome to my world and thanks for reading!
Since I was a litte kid I have had the luck of being chosen as a punching bag for Satan and his demons. Thinking back to the first time I really felt Gods presance and beautiful amazing love was when I was around seven years old or so, at a Christian Camp with my older brother and was outside in a big field with a bunch of other kids playing and the most amazing feeling of Gods presance overcame me like I had never felt before up to that point, I felt like God was going to lift me out of that field and take me to his kingdom right then, it was so awesome.
When I was younger my spirit and soul has had encounters with both the light and the dark. The things of the light were so amazing and beautiful and filled with love... and the things of the dark were filled with Demonic presances, scary deep dark things following me (chasing me up the stairs, etc.. etc..) I was haunted by nightmares when I was younger and up through most of my life have had some of the most horrible dreams you can imagine, also some pretty amazing and beautiful ones. At the time I really thought their was something wrong with me.. and I was afraid to tell anyone exactly what I saw/felt.. becuase they would think I am crazy I thought. So mostly I kept everything to myself. I grew up going to church and what not and whenever such dark things happened I always prayed to God so much to make it stop.. that was the extent of my relationship with God for a very long time. The Bible was confusing when in Church and I couldn't pay attention well at church. I was full of life though, had a good life, lots of adventures and fun, tons of fun playing with my older brother (1 year older) for years and years and we always had a great time, I had a good family life aswell so I was blessed here.
Anyways fast forwarding to 23 years old (I am 28 now) I felt pretty well in control of my life despite covering up some of my childhood troubles, I was trading the stock market, my brother got me in this field, I was making great money, had a lot in the bank and things were pretty decent. My relationship with God was what it always was, I knew he exhisted I knew there was bigger, greater purpose, but I didn't think to hard on it, I always felt their would be a time for that. Plus deep down I think it scared me a bit because the scary things that have happened surrounding this supernatural world.
One Sunday afternoon my bro was home from NYC were he was living, came home to hangout with the family, it was our mothers birthday the following morning. durring this day he took his motorcycle out for a run with a friend, he never returned from that ride. He hit another biker that pulled right out in front of him making an illegal uturn across the highway.. both dead. A few minutes before that horrible phone call from his friend I had this scary energy and feeling overcome me like something really bad happened.. and I wanted to give him a call but decided not because he was riding his bike and didn't want to distract him. Since I was the one who took the news first (family was on their way home from a beach vacation) this part really sucked having to break this news while I was in horrible Shock myself and thinking a mile a minute. I dreaded having to tell my father, which would tell my mother, that their firstborn was now Dead, while he was really just at the peak of his life and young and doing amazing things with his career, etc..
This whole tradgedy caused me to go into a major depression, I felt so doomed... this was it, I was so close with my brother and now he was gone.. he was my best friend and always could count on him, he had helped me through hard life situations countless times and we enjoyed tons of great experiances and things together. Seeing my family in so much pain was also so brutal. I really thought this life was over for me their was no way I was coming back from this. One of my best friends really pulled through for me and we hung out a bunch, talked.. and what not. Eventually my dread turned into a 24/7 focus and meditation on God and his kingdom, I prayed to God everyday that I would do anything, I would go to hell and back to just know that my brother was safe with him and that this everything God said was true and I'd see him again.
As time progressed I became deeper entwined with the spirit world and the supernatural. Well, things got even worse beleieve it or not. Memorial day weekend hit and my best friends and us decided to go to the shore house my one buddy's family had, they went down a day earlier, they took out the boat that day, got into an accident with another boat, they collided.. and now my best friend was DEAD. I was suppose to be on that boat, but was planning on joining them @ the shore the following day, I was trading the market on that friday and turned down going to the shore that day. This was really just unthinkable, I felt as if the world was ending and this was not possible to happen, but it did and it just brought the pain to another level, causing me to bring my search for God and his truth even more so, my search and seek mode was on maximum capitcy, every waking second was spent on seeking God and his truth. The waking time was quickly becoming more and more and the sleeping less and less as I become more deeply connected with the spirit world I was getting more and more energy.
Now A few months before my best friend was killed I got together with my now Ex-Gf in which I grew up with. She was their for me durring these times of disaster and things were really nice in that fashion.. I noticed things with her while on this quest of mine that was disturbing to me. She had gone through a terrible innocent a few years earlier, hospitalized for cutting herself and attempting to kill herself ( I did not no of this until she told me ) and she was on all these meds trying to balance herself out since she faced depression and suicidal thoughts much of her life)
We decided to go on vacation to the shore for a weekend, while there we had an amazing time. That second night there, one night, after she went to bed and I was still up, in the living room reading my bible.. all of a sudden I had the worst most horrible feeling overcome me.. the room crushed in on me like I was now in a tiny little box and Satan was right their.. all of his evil and wickness peirced into my soul and I never felt so scared and frightened in my entire life. It caused me to frantically want to change my life for the better. It deepened my spiritual quest to a whole other level.
A few weeks later, a night back at my apartment with my GF she went to bed and was sleeping while I was in the living room reading my bible, again.. right around 3:30-4 a.m at this point. As I was reading I became totally surrounded by this overwhelming feeling of the book, like the words were so alive. I walked to my bedroom next to my sleeping GF and I decided to go all the way to the beggining of the book and as I read "In the Beggining, God Created the Heavens and the Earth" the page and words literally began jumping around the book... and this time I was overcome with the strongest feeling of Energy and Power I have ever felt, literally it felt like electricy was burning through my veins and my mind was on FIRE with energy (not in a painful way) the most beautiful, amazing, powerful feeling of Love I felt.. I felt as if I had a direct Connection with the Living God and it was like he was sitting right next to me! It was so intense that I cried and I was so Happy I never wanted that to end.. as I sat next to my GF and she slept and going through all of this, all of a sudden.. I heard this groaning noise, scary as $hit, coming from her... and all of a sudden felt the darkest, most dredful scary a$$ energy as if Satan was also now in this room.. God on my one side and Satan on the other. I was in no fear though, I just had the strongest most powerful encounter with God and he was still with me, this did not fear me. But I now reconginzed and felt that her pain and hardships were directly caushed because of this Demon.. I wanted to help her. So I decided to attempt to "excersise" this demon while she slept... lol... not so funny because when I slowly moved my hand over to her head to touch her in a trance like state that I was, to encounter this demon that was harrasing her, as I touched her I felt the most horrible and scary dark energy transfer to my body and soul like my spirit/soul was literally dragged to the deepest, darkest depths of hell. I felt DEAD inside... literally dead, it was like feeling nothing.. emptyness, alive, but I was not home, my soul was in hell it felt like, but physically I was there. It felt like if this is what Hell was like.. this is IT.. this is HELL... this is how one feels like in Hell. Now I thought I was done for.. I really screwed up here, I should not have done whatever the hell I just did, hours of pacing around later (did not wake my GF up after this I was way to freaked out) I drove home to the parents house, I prayed to God for hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, for Jesus to save me... for Jesus to bring me back and forgive me and save me from this horribleness. I didn't sleep for over a week, I never felt so horrible, I did feel Jesus come and take me out of the hole I was in that same day, but I was still so dead inside... from this point foward I was sucked into this spirit world of demons for over a year. I never felt so much dark energy literally trying to tear me limb from limb.. the feeling of suicide... Satan wanted me to kill myself... literally, I felt the power/darkness trying to take control and have me do it over this time, over and over. I never felt so much pain darkness and fear and crap in my entire life. Jesus, God, his kingdom all that is good and light is what kept me alive and moving foward. But, After 6 months of it I couldn't take it anymore, the pain and crap feeling was too hard, I bought some pain meds from a friend.. became hooked on pain killers until this point of my life now. I slowly exited the spirit world... got a job again, started living a pretty somewhat normal life again.. a year ago met my Now Wife.. I love her to death.. a fellow Christian and strong beleiver. I still take these pain meds on and off.. I cannot afford them anymore with all my bills. I still feel depression come and go... it comes back with fury.. I fight it and fight it and then brightness, happiness comes.
I don't no what to do anymore, I really don't. I trust that Jesus will overcome everything and anytihng that happens with me... and he does.. but when I feel like hell it's so bad, i feel so sad.. I feel so empty. There is more I can explain that happened durring this period, but I will leave it be here for now. I don't no if what I explained will actually help or not.. but writing this all out does seem to have helped as of right now. If you read this all thanks for reading and sorry if it was hard to follow.
(p.s, as a side note, my ex-gf is now much better... a month or two after this encounter she stopped taking ALL of her medications, were talking years of taking heavy depression meds and others..)
Since I was a litte kid I have had the luck of being chosen as a punching bag for Satan and his demons. Thinking back to the first time I really felt Gods presance and beautiful amazing love was when I was around seven years old or so, at a Christian Camp with my older brother and was outside in a big field with a bunch of other kids playing and the most amazing feeling of Gods presance overcame me like I had never felt before up to that point, I felt like God was going to lift me out of that field and take me to his kingdom right then, it was so awesome.
When I was younger my spirit and soul has had encounters with both the light and the dark. The things of the light were so amazing and beautiful and filled with love... and the things of the dark were filled with Demonic presances, scary deep dark things following me (chasing me up the stairs, etc.. etc..) I was haunted by nightmares when I was younger and up through most of my life have had some of the most horrible dreams you can imagine, also some pretty amazing and beautiful ones. At the time I really thought their was something wrong with me.. and I was afraid to tell anyone exactly what I saw/felt.. becuase they would think I am crazy I thought. So mostly I kept everything to myself. I grew up going to church and what not and whenever such dark things happened I always prayed to God so much to make it stop.. that was the extent of my relationship with God for a very long time. The Bible was confusing when in Church and I couldn't pay attention well at church. I was full of life though, had a good life, lots of adventures and fun, tons of fun playing with my older brother (1 year older) for years and years and we always had a great time, I had a good family life aswell so I was blessed here.
Anyways fast forwarding to 23 years old (I am 28 now) I felt pretty well in control of my life despite covering up some of my childhood troubles, I was trading the stock market, my brother got me in this field, I was making great money, had a lot in the bank and things were pretty decent. My relationship with God was what it always was, I knew he exhisted I knew there was bigger, greater purpose, but I didn't think to hard on it, I always felt their would be a time for that. Plus deep down I think it scared me a bit because the scary things that have happened surrounding this supernatural world.
One Sunday afternoon my bro was home from NYC were he was living, came home to hangout with the family, it was our mothers birthday the following morning. durring this day he took his motorcycle out for a run with a friend, he never returned from that ride. He hit another biker that pulled right out in front of him making an illegal uturn across the highway.. both dead. A few minutes before that horrible phone call from his friend I had this scary energy and feeling overcome me like something really bad happened.. and I wanted to give him a call but decided not because he was riding his bike and didn't want to distract him. Since I was the one who took the news first (family was on their way home from a beach vacation) this part really sucked having to break this news while I was in horrible Shock myself and thinking a mile a minute. I dreaded having to tell my father, which would tell my mother, that their firstborn was now Dead, while he was really just at the peak of his life and young and doing amazing things with his career, etc..
This whole tradgedy caused me to go into a major depression, I felt so doomed... this was it, I was so close with my brother and now he was gone.. he was my best friend and always could count on him, he had helped me through hard life situations countless times and we enjoyed tons of great experiances and things together. Seeing my family in so much pain was also so brutal. I really thought this life was over for me their was no way I was coming back from this. One of my best friends really pulled through for me and we hung out a bunch, talked.. and what not. Eventually my dread turned into a 24/7 focus and meditation on God and his kingdom, I prayed to God everyday that I would do anything, I would go to hell and back to just know that my brother was safe with him and that this everything God said was true and I'd see him again.
As time progressed I became deeper entwined with the spirit world and the supernatural. Well, things got even worse beleieve it or not. Memorial day weekend hit and my best friends and us decided to go to the shore house my one buddy's family had, they went down a day earlier, they took out the boat that day, got into an accident with another boat, they collided.. and now my best friend was DEAD. I was suppose to be on that boat, but was planning on joining them @ the shore the following day, I was trading the market on that friday and turned down going to the shore that day. This was really just unthinkable, I felt as if the world was ending and this was not possible to happen, but it did and it just brought the pain to another level, causing me to bring my search for God and his truth even more so, my search and seek mode was on maximum capitcy, every waking second was spent on seeking God and his truth. The waking time was quickly becoming more and more and the sleeping less and less as I become more deeply connected with the spirit world I was getting more and more energy.
Now A few months before my best friend was killed I got together with my now Ex-Gf in which I grew up with. She was their for me durring these times of disaster and things were really nice in that fashion.. I noticed things with her while on this quest of mine that was disturbing to me. She had gone through a terrible innocent a few years earlier, hospitalized for cutting herself and attempting to kill herself ( I did not no of this until she told me ) and she was on all these meds trying to balance herself out since she faced depression and suicidal thoughts much of her life)
We decided to go on vacation to the shore for a weekend, while there we had an amazing time. That second night there, one night, after she went to bed and I was still up, in the living room reading my bible.. all of a sudden I had the worst most horrible feeling overcome me.. the room crushed in on me like I was now in a tiny little box and Satan was right their.. all of his evil and wickness peirced into my soul and I never felt so scared and frightened in my entire life. It caused me to frantically want to change my life for the better. It deepened my spiritual quest to a whole other level.
A few weeks later, a night back at my apartment with my GF she went to bed and was sleeping while I was in the living room reading my bible, again.. right around 3:30-4 a.m at this point. As I was reading I became totally surrounded by this overwhelming feeling of the book, like the words were so alive. I walked to my bedroom next to my sleeping GF and I decided to go all the way to the beggining of the book and as I read "In the Beggining, God Created the Heavens and the Earth" the page and words literally began jumping around the book... and this time I was overcome with the strongest feeling of Energy and Power I have ever felt, literally it felt like electricy was burning through my veins and my mind was on FIRE with energy (not in a painful way) the most beautiful, amazing, powerful feeling of Love I felt.. I felt as if I had a direct Connection with the Living God and it was like he was sitting right next to me! It was so intense that I cried and I was so Happy I never wanted that to end.. as I sat next to my GF and she slept and going through all of this, all of a sudden.. I heard this groaning noise, scary as $hit, coming from her... and all of a sudden felt the darkest, most dredful scary a$$ energy as if Satan was also now in this room.. God on my one side and Satan on the other. I was in no fear though, I just had the strongest most powerful encounter with God and he was still with me, this did not fear me. But I now reconginzed and felt that her pain and hardships were directly caushed because of this Demon.. I wanted to help her. So I decided to attempt to "excersise" this demon while she slept... lol... not so funny because when I slowly moved my hand over to her head to touch her in a trance like state that I was, to encounter this demon that was harrasing her, as I touched her I felt the most horrible and scary dark energy transfer to my body and soul like my spirit/soul was literally dragged to the deepest, darkest depths of hell. I felt DEAD inside... literally dead, it was like feeling nothing.. emptyness, alive, but I was not home, my soul was in hell it felt like, but physically I was there. It felt like if this is what Hell was like.. this is IT.. this is HELL... this is how one feels like in Hell. Now I thought I was done for.. I really screwed up here, I should not have done whatever the hell I just did, hours of pacing around later (did not wake my GF up after this I was way to freaked out) I drove home to the parents house, I prayed to God for hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, for Jesus to save me... for Jesus to bring me back and forgive me and save me from this horribleness. I didn't sleep for over a week, I never felt so horrible, I did feel Jesus come and take me out of the hole I was in that same day, but I was still so dead inside... from this point foward I was sucked into this spirit world of demons for over a year. I never felt so much dark energy literally trying to tear me limb from limb.. the feeling of suicide... Satan wanted me to kill myself... literally, I felt the power/darkness trying to take control and have me do it over this time, over and over. I never felt so much pain darkness and fear and crap in my entire life. Jesus, God, his kingdom all that is good and light is what kept me alive and moving foward. But, After 6 months of it I couldn't take it anymore, the pain and crap feeling was too hard, I bought some pain meds from a friend.. became hooked on pain killers until this point of my life now. I slowly exited the spirit world... got a job again, started living a pretty somewhat normal life again.. a year ago met my Now Wife.. I love her to death.. a fellow Christian and strong beleiver. I still take these pain meds on and off.. I cannot afford them anymore with all my bills. I still feel depression come and go... it comes back with fury.. I fight it and fight it and then brightness, happiness comes.
I don't no what to do anymore, I really don't. I trust that Jesus will overcome everything and anytihng that happens with me... and he does.. but when I feel like hell it's so bad, i feel so sad.. I feel so empty. There is more I can explain that happened durring this period, but I will leave it be here for now. I don't no if what I explained will actually help or not.. but writing this all out does seem to have helped as of right now. If you read this all thanks for reading and sorry if it was hard to follow.
(p.s, as a side note, my ex-gf is now much better... a month or two after this encounter she stopped taking ALL of her medications, were talking years of taking heavy depression meds and others..)
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