Please Help - Is it OCD or is it me?

[brandilyn0506]

Hi, there.

This is very long, but please read. I've been a Christian for years (at least I thought) - I remember asking Jesus into my heart and I got baptized as well years later. I've been very devoted and feel like I've had a close relationship with God over my lifetime. I've prayed and read the bible and attended church. I've really tried to live to please Him - sometimes to the point of legalism I'll admit.

I've had OCD since I was young. It's almost always revolved around my faith. I used to be afraid that God was mad at me and that I had committed the unforgiveable sin. It lasted for a long time but I never lost my faith. I feel like it made it stronger then. I was able to learn how to handle thoughts and they weakened for a long time. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I've taken medicine for it before and now recently got back on it.

I made some mistakes during my journey - lived with my boyfriend (now my husband), did things I'm not proud of, and knew God didn't approve, but I knew He forgave me.
I feel like during my 20s I was very close to God and relied on Him in hard times and tried to trust Him for everything. I used to feel hope and joy in Him and know whatever happens He is with me. I still had bad thoughts (like thinking I'm not saved, that God doesn't heal, etc.) and cynical and skeptic thoughts about God but I was able to combat them. I've also felt numb and apathetic towards God, which I don't want to. Again, I have depression, so I thought that could be why. I felt numb towards a lot of things.

Fast forward to what happened recently - I was doing good with my depression and anxiety, and was able to combat the OCD thoughts. So I got off my medicine. We also decided to foster-to-adopt a 5 year old girl that had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (we weren't really aware what that was until after).

During this transition, I became very depressed and felt like I didn't want the child - I felt no love like I thought I should have had for her and I fell into a deep depression. I tried to pray about loving the child and even fasted (for a couple of meals). I still couldn't shake the gloom and want to not have her. I felt like something was wrong with me - like my heart was hard and I was a horrible person. We reached out to other people and they told us to give it time but also told us that there was no wrong decision. I didn't wait on God like I should have - I wasn't still. During this time I had the thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep the child. I remember having that thought and thinking about what that meant. I really don't think I wanted to have that thought. I am wrought with guilt over it now - I feel like I chose hell over God and gave up on Him and discarded of Him. I am seeing a counselor for this and am on medicine.

We ended up giving the child back (not directly because of my depression, but because of what we learned about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) within 2 weeks of getting her. And even after we gave her back I had another thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep her again if we got her back. I tried to discard of the thought then.

Since then my depression and OCD have been horrible. I don't feel - I feel very far from God. I even had thoughts that I didn't want Jesus in my heart - and then had apathy after that. I want to feel something - I want to want to feel and believe like I used to. I've been having so many thoughts that I don't believe, that God's not good, that I'm doomed because of all these thoughts, I even had thoughts about attributing the Holy Spirit's work to satan. I don't want to have these thoughts but I feel numb and apathetic at the same time. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel like I've committed the unforgiveable sin and can't repent and I'm like Saul when the Holy Spirit departed him or like Judas for betraying Jesus.

I have thoughts almost all of the time condemning myself for not waiting on God and then rejecting Him by having the thoughts about "choosing" hell or not wanting Jesus in my heart. I feel like I can't receive His grace or forgiveness and then I have thoughts like I don't believe or that He's not good. I even try to think of Bible stories but I can't shake thought that He's not good sometimes. I feel tension in my body when I think them. I feel depression and I feel no joy or peace. I've thought that He's not real or it's not worth it. There are very faint glimmers of hope that I've been getting and I keep trying to hold on to the truth - but I am afraid I've rejected Him - but I feel numb at the same time. I hate this. At least I think I do. I want to.

It's hard for me to read the Bible (I get defensive thoughts) it's hard for me to listen to Christian music sometimes (I feel like it's not for me or I don't believe). It's hard for me to go to Church (I have cynical thoughts and doubtful thoughts).

I'm afraid my heart is too hard and maybe I'm like a Pharisee. I want to love others but I feel numb … It's never been this bad. It's affecting every area of my life. I feel like I can't trust Him and I have thoughts that I'm too far gone. I feel like I can't repent. I feel selfish and prideful. I've had so many thoughts I can't even write them all.

 

[Tolworth John]

Since then my depression and OCD have been horrible.

May I suggest seeking treatment for these.
People suffering the effects of mental illness like depression often suffer from negative thoughts.

 

[brandilyn0506]

May I suggest seeking treatment for these.
People suffering the effects of mental illness like depression often suffer from negative thoughts.

Thank you! I actually am seeking help currently - I've been seeing a counselor and am taking medicine.

 

[Mari17]

Hi, there.

This is very long, but please read. I've been a Christian for years (at least I thought) - I remember asking Jesus into my heart and I got baptized as well years later. I've been very devoted and feel like I've had a close relationship with God over my lifetime. I've prayed and read the bible and attended church. I've really tried to live to please Him - sometimes to the point of legalism I'll admit.

I've had OCD since I was young. It's almost always revolved around my faith. I used to be afraid that God was mad at me and that I had committed the unforgiveable sin. It lasted for a long time but I never lost my faith. I feel like it made it stronger then. I was able to learn how to handle thoughts and they weakened for a long time. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I've taken medicine for it before and now recently got back on it.

I made some mistakes during my journey - lived with my boyfriend (now my husband), did things I'm not proud of, and knew God didn't approve, but I knew He forgave me.
I feel like during my 20s I was very close to God and relied on Him in hard times and tried to trust Him for everything. I used to feel hope and joy in Him and know whatever happens He is with me. I still had bad thoughts (like thinking I'm not saved, that God doesn't heal, etc.) and cynical and skeptic thoughts about God but I was able to combat them. I've also felt numb and apathetic towards God, which I don't want to. Again, I have depression, so I thought that could be why. I felt numb towards a lot of things.

Fast forward to what happened recently - I was doing good with my depression and anxiety, and was able to combat the OCD thoughts. So I got off my medicine. We also decided to foster-to-adopt a 5 year old girl that had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (we weren't really aware what that was until after).

During this transition, I became very depressed and felt like I didn't want the child - I felt no love like I thought I should have had for her and I fell into a deep depression. I tried to pray about loving the child and even fasted (for a couple of meals). I still couldn't shake the gloom and want to not have her. I felt like something was wrong with me - like my heart was hard and I was a horrible person. We reached out to other people and they told us to give it time but also told us that there was no wrong decision. I didn't wait on God like I should have - I wasn't still. During this time I had the thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep the child. I remember having that thought and thinking about what that meant. I really don't think I wanted to have that thought. I am wrought with guilt over it now - I feel like I chose hell over God and gave up on Him and discarded of Him. I am seeing a counselor for this and am on medicine.

We ended up giving the child back (not directly because of my depression, but because of what we learned about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) within 2 weeks of getting her. And even after we gave her back I had another thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep her again if we got her back. I tried to discard of the thought then.

Since then my depression and OCD have been horrible. I don't feel - I feel very far from God. I even had thoughts that I didn't want Jesus in my heart - and then had apathy after that. I want to feel something - I want to want to feel and believe like I used to. I've been having so many thoughts that I don't believe, that God's not good, that I'm doomed because of all these thoughts, I even had thoughts about attributing the Holy Spirit's work to satan. I don't want to have these thoughts but I feel numb and apathetic at the same time. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel like I've committed the unforgiveable sin and can't repent and I'm like Saul when the Holy Spirit departed him or like Judas for betraying Jesus.

I have thoughts almost all of the time condemning myself for not waiting on God and then rejecting Him by having the thoughts about "choosing" hell or not wanting Jesus in my heart. I feel like I can't receive His grace or forgiveness and then I have thoughts like I don't believe or that He's not good. I even try to think of Bible stories but I can't shake thought that He's not good sometimes. I feel tension in my body when I think them. I feel depression and I feel no joy or peace. I've thought that He's not real or it's not worth it. There are very faint glimmers of hope that I've been getting and I keep trying to hold on to the truth - but I am afraid I've rejected Him - but I feel numb at the same time. I hate this. At least I think I do. I want to.

It's hard for me to read the Bible (I get defensive thoughts) it's hard for me to listen to Christian music sometimes (I feel like it's not for me or I don't believe). It's hard for me to go to Church (I have cynical thoughts and doubtful thoughts).

I'm afraid my heart is too hard and maybe I'm like a Pharisee. I want to love others but I feel numb … It's never been this bad. It's affecting every area of my life. I feel like I can't trust Him and I have thoughts that I'm too far gone. I feel like I can't repent. I feel selfish and prideful. I've had so many thoughts I can't even write them all.

Thank you for sharing! This sounds like a difficult situation, and added to it the difficulty of struggling with OCD. My OCD has attached itself to my faith all my life as well. I have a few thoughts:
1. OCD often flares when we have stress in our lives. In my experience, general anxiety or sadness can trigger OCD. So your difficult life experiences may be contributing to your unsettled state of mind.
2. OCD really loves to get us to freak out about our thoughts. It loves to make us think that our thoughts are cause to feel guilty or afraid, and to get us to go round and round worrying about these thoughts and feelings. But in the end, it doesn't really matter what we think/feel or why. I mean, it sort of does, but there are so many thoughts and feelings that we can't control, that it doesn't really do us good to fret about them.
3. Instead of getting caught in an whirlpool of obsessive thoughts and reasoning, try to focus on concrete actions. You can't help what you think/feel (I mean, you can work on your thoughts and attitudes, but we humans get so many thoughts and feelings that are weird and just plain bad - but that doesn't mean we're "bad people." We're just human.) So, focus on how to move forward. You have/had these troubling thoughts and feelings. But instead of worrying about what that means about you, just choose to follow God. You can't force yourself to feel loving, you can't force yourself to feel "good," but you can choose to act loving and to follow God, no matter how you feel. And if you keep messing up, you can keep choosing again. OCD loves to distract us with "unsolvable" questions and fears, but our job is to keep ignoring it and just keep moving forward.

I hope this helps a little. I know how debilitating OCD can be. Feel free to keep the conversation going, and/or pm me at any time.

 

[MJ Emberzo]

Hi, there.

This is very long, but please read. I've been a Christian for years (at least I thought) - I remember asking Jesus into my heart and I got baptized as well years later. I've been very devoted and feel like I've had a close relationship with God over my lifetime. I've prayed and read the bible and attended church. I've really tried to live to please Him - sometimes to the point of legalism I'll admit.

I've had OCD since I was young. It's almost always revolved around my faith. I used to be afraid that God was mad at me and that I had committed the unforgiveable sin. It lasted for a long time but I never lost my faith. I feel like it made it stronger then. I was able to learn how to handle thoughts and they weakened for a long time. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I've taken medicine for it before and now recently got back on it.

I made some mistakes during my journey - lived with my boyfriend (now my husband), did things I'm not proud of, and knew God didn't approve, but I knew He forgave me.
I feel like during my 20s I was very close to God and relied on Him in hard times and tried to trust Him for everything. I used to feel hope and joy in Him and know whatever happens He is with me. I still had bad thoughts (like thinking I'm not saved, that God doesn't heal, etc.) and cynical and skeptic thoughts about God but I was able to combat them. I've also felt numb and apathetic towards God, which I don't want to. Again, I have depression, so I thought that could be why. I felt numb towards a lot of things.

Fast forward to what happened recently - I was doing good with my depression and anxiety, and was able to combat the OCD thoughts. So I got off my medicine. We also decided to foster-to-adopt a 5 year old girl that had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (we weren't really aware what that was until after).

During this transition, I became very depressed and felt like I didn't want the child - I felt no love like I thought I should have had for her and I fell into a deep depression. I tried to pray about loving the child and even fasted (for a couple of meals). I still couldn't shake the gloom and want to not have her. I felt like something was wrong with me - like my heart was hard and I was a horrible person. We reached out to other people and they told us to give it time but also told us that there was no wrong decision. I didn't wait on God like I should have - I wasn't still. During this time I had the thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep the child. I remember having that thought and thinking about what that meant. I really don't think I wanted to have that thought. I am wrought with guilt over it now - I feel like I chose hell over God and gave up on Him and discarded of Him. I am seeing a counselor for this and am on medicine.

We ended up giving the child back (not directly because of my depression, but because of what we learned about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) within 2 weeks of getting her. And even after we gave her back I had another thought that I would rather go to hell than to keep her again if we got her back. I tried to discard of the thought then.

Since then my depression and OCD have been horrible. I don't feel - I feel very far from God. I even had thoughts that I didn't want Jesus in my heart - and then had apathy after that. I want to feel something - I want to want to feel and believe like I used to. I've been having so many thoughts that I don't believe, that God's not good, that I'm doomed because of all these thoughts, I even had thoughts about attributing the Holy Spirit's work to satan. I don't want to have these thoughts but I feel numb and apathetic at the same time. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel like I've committed the unforgiveable sin and can't repent and I'm like Saul when the Holy Spirit departed him or like Judas for betraying Jesus.

I have thoughts almost all of the time condemning myself for not waiting on God and then rejecting Him by having the thoughts about "choosing" hell or not wanting Jesus in my heart. I feel like I can't receive His grace or forgiveness and then I have thoughts like I don't believe or that He's not good. I even try to think of Bible stories but I can't shake thought that He's not good sometimes. I feel tension in my body when I think them. I feel depression and I feel no joy or peace. I've thought that He's not real or it's not worth it. There are very faint glimmers of hope that I've been getting and I keep trying to hold on to the truth - but I am afraid I've rejected Him - but I feel numb at the same time. I hate this. At least I think I do. I want to.

It's hard for me to read the Bible (I get defensive thoughts) it's hard for me to listen to Christian music sometimes (I feel like it's not for me or I don't believe). It's hard for me to go to Church (I have cynical thoughts and doubtful thoughts).

I'm afraid my heart is too hard and maybe I'm like a Pharisee. I want to love others but I feel numb … It's never been this bad. It's affecting every area of my life. I feel like I can't trust Him and I have thoughts that I'm too far gone. I feel like I can't repent. I feel selfish and prideful. I've had so many thoughts I can't even write them all.

Hi, how are you now