- May 29, 2007
- 63
- 8
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
- Politics
- US-Republican
This is probably going to be long so bless you if you get through it! But I need someone who doesn't know my fiance and or I's point of view.
My fiance and I dated from July 06 until exactly one year ago. We broke up because of a lot of drinking and it was destroying our relationship. (We were both saved, just definitely not acting as Christians should.) We ended up getting back together in August. He was all for it, but I was a little hesitant and I think I went back because I was lonely and wanted a boy back in my life. I still did have some feelings for him though. Everything was great for awhile and we got engaged in December. We bought a townhome in mid-December. Yeah yeah yeah, we know it was bad...he thinks it's okay because he said that God looks at the intentions of our hearts. Well I think that's a crock that 'it's okay' because I know there's multiple reasons, this being one of them, why I have felt so uneasy on so many levels while living in this stupid house. I regret ever signing those papers but it was my own decision at the time and I made my bed so...
The fighting started up again not too long before we got engaged. Just bickering and nitpicking, but enough gets to be enough. It hasn't really stopped since then. We can go a few days but that's our max. I don't even know if I'm in love with him and if I ever really was. I remember when we broke up how easy it was for me to walk away. I hate being single, so I was upset about that but I didn't miss HIM as much as I thought I would. I tell him everyday I love him, but I think they're just words with empty meaning and that's not fair to him. He cares a lot about me and I know this. He treats me wonderfully for the most part. He will take care of me when I'm sick, be there when I'm upset, let me choose the TV show
P) and will stick up for me if anyone were to offend me. I know how much he loves me and I am almost certain that I don't love him to the same degree. I am not really attracted to him which I don't think should be a big deal since love should be bigger than that... but I think I'm lying to myself when I say it's not an issue at all.
I know a part of me is telling myself, stay with someone you know loves you and won't leave! I have very low self esteem and some abandonment issues which really messed up my relationships. My friends/family tell me I'm settling for him bc I don't think I can do any better and I'm finally trying to quit lying to myself and admit that they are right. Now don't get me wrong, I do care about him very much. He has put up with a lot of crap from me (I think a lot of the bickering and nitpicking was me pushing him away) that he didn't derseve. I have severe mood swings which I was medicated for for a month but it didn't do anything, but that has really taken it's toll on him too as it would anyone. We do have some great times. We are best friends and I don't want to give up such a wonderful friendship... we feel 100% comfortable with each other and can be stupid and laugh at the same stupid stuff that no one else but us would. He really is my best friend and I would lose that along with a fiance if I left.
But there are reasons why I haven't even begun to plan this wedding. I have already pushed it back a few months, and the thought of marrying him right now scares the daylights out of me. I want LOVE love. I want to be excited to marry someone and can't wait to plan or can't wait for that day to be here instead of terrified of that day. I thought at first these feelings were just cold feel like anyone has, but they never went away which I am taking as a warning sign.
I don't know whether to give up all together or just maybe take the ring off and deal with our relationship as it is now and try to mend it. There are things he does that I doubt he will ever stop doing that I really dont like. He is a know-it-all and sometimes really doesn't know when to shut it which can be very embarrassing when we are out with a big group of our friends. He says he doesn't care what others think of him but this really gets to me. I want him to quit drinking..maybe not all together as I still like a glass of wine every once in awhile but there is no reason anymore to get 'drunk'. Those days are behind us, and we need to move on from that...it's just killin brain cells now lol. He doesn't think drinking is a big deal. So I'm prob gonna lose that too. We both go to church and worship God.. and the fact that we are not living as Christians is really really wearing me down and I'm not sure how much more I can take of the guilt. But I also am stuck in this house paying the rent, also we bought a dog and I work 12 hour days and I can't leave a dog alone for that long if I leave.
UGH this isn't even half of what I really wanted to just spill out on here, but I really need a lot of prayer and advice. Please pray that the Lord guides me to the right decision. I need some sort of arrow to where I need to go because this is not working out for me and I know God is not happy with these decisions we have made.
My fiance and I dated from July 06 until exactly one year ago. We broke up because of a lot of drinking and it was destroying our relationship. (We were both saved, just definitely not acting as Christians should.) We ended up getting back together in August. He was all for it, but I was a little hesitant and I think I went back because I was lonely and wanted a boy back in my life. I still did have some feelings for him though. Everything was great for awhile and we got engaged in December. We bought a townhome in mid-December. Yeah yeah yeah, we know it was bad...he thinks it's okay because he said that God looks at the intentions of our hearts. Well I think that's a crock that 'it's okay' because I know there's multiple reasons, this being one of them, why I have felt so uneasy on so many levels while living in this stupid house. I regret ever signing those papers but it was my own decision at the time and I made my bed so...
The fighting started up again not too long before we got engaged. Just bickering and nitpicking, but enough gets to be enough. It hasn't really stopped since then. We can go a few days but that's our max. I don't even know if I'm in love with him and if I ever really was. I remember when we broke up how easy it was for me to walk away. I hate being single, so I was upset about that but I didn't miss HIM as much as I thought I would. I tell him everyday I love him, but I think they're just words with empty meaning and that's not fair to him. He cares a lot about me and I know this. He treats me wonderfully for the most part. He will take care of me when I'm sick, be there when I'm upset, let me choose the TV show
P) and will stick up for me if anyone were to offend me. I know how much he loves me and I am almost certain that I don't love him to the same degree. I am not really attracted to him which I don't think should be a big deal since love should be bigger than that... but I think I'm lying to myself when I say it's not an issue at all. I know a part of me is telling myself, stay with someone you know loves you and won't leave! I have very low self esteem and some abandonment issues which really messed up my relationships. My friends/family tell me I'm settling for him bc I don't think I can do any better and I'm finally trying to quit lying to myself and admit that they are right. Now don't get me wrong, I do care about him very much. He has put up with a lot of crap from me (I think a lot of the bickering and nitpicking was me pushing him away) that he didn't derseve. I have severe mood swings which I was medicated for for a month but it didn't do anything, but that has really taken it's toll on him too as it would anyone. We do have some great times. We are best friends and I don't want to give up such a wonderful friendship... we feel 100% comfortable with each other and can be stupid and laugh at the same stupid stuff that no one else but us would. He really is my best friend and I would lose that along with a fiance if I left.
But there are reasons why I haven't even begun to plan this wedding. I have already pushed it back a few months, and the thought of marrying him right now scares the daylights out of me. I want LOVE love. I want to be excited to marry someone and can't wait to plan or can't wait for that day to be here instead of terrified of that day. I thought at first these feelings were just cold feel like anyone has, but they never went away which I am taking as a warning sign.
I don't know whether to give up all together or just maybe take the ring off and deal with our relationship as it is now and try to mend it. There are things he does that I doubt he will ever stop doing that I really dont like. He is a know-it-all and sometimes really doesn't know when to shut it which can be very embarrassing when we are out with a big group of our friends. He says he doesn't care what others think of him but this really gets to me. I want him to quit drinking..maybe not all together as I still like a glass of wine every once in awhile but there is no reason anymore to get 'drunk'. Those days are behind us, and we need to move on from that...it's just killin brain cells now lol. He doesn't think drinking is a big deal. So I'm prob gonna lose that too. We both go to church and worship God.. and the fact that we are not living as Christians is really really wearing me down and I'm not sure how much more I can take of the guilt. But I also am stuck in this house paying the rent, also we bought a dog and I work 12 hour days and I can't leave a dog alone for that long if I leave.
UGH this isn't even half of what I really wanted to just spill out on here, but I really need a lot of prayer and advice. Please pray that the Lord guides me to the right decision. I need some sort of arrow to where I need to go because this is not working out for me and I know God is not happy with these decisions we have made.
