Please Help! Caught up in extremely scary sin and unable to repent

[Matt112]

Hi everyone,

I'm in desperate trouble. I became a Christian when I was around 12 when I prayed and I was baptised with the Holy Spirit. At first I was very scared of God, especially of images of Him in the Old Testament but then things grew much lighter as I managed to feel much love for Jesus and was able to walk with Him quite easily. But something terrible happened to me when I was 16. My faith, which up until that point had been the centre of my life, had started to drift into doubt and I was in much distress and I couldn't seem to escape. I felt that I had insulted the Lord too much especially with letting pride into my heart and now he was going to punish me. And then things got really dark. I felt/knew that I was being attacked either by Satan or some form of evil and it was telling me all sorts of confusing things like "Good is evil and evil is good" and such things. The darkness completely consumed me and I felt I had completely given in to the devil which is when God's presence disappeared completely and I was left alone in a horrible dark world where God seemed to be totally absent. For the next ten years affter that I feel I have been living a total lie because even after several attempts at putting my life right with God I kept on giving up and falling into deeper and deeper sin. The problem I was experiencing when I was 16 was diagnosed by my doctor as bipolar and I have been on several medications for years. Very recently my mental health has deteriated even further and have began to hear voices berated me and telling me I was evil, a child hater, that deceit was my very nature and other things which I believed were true things in my heart. The most serious sins to me seem to be that throughout the years I have ignored my conscience to the point of it becoming numb and untroubling, indulding in pornography, feeling that demons live inside of me, feeling constantly in a state of fear totally convinced that everything inside me is a completely lie. The trouble with the voices really forced me to think of God very seriously again. I have been struggling with what seems to be aspects of spiritual warfare, feeling completely lifeless, feeling contempt and spite for loved ones including children, full of paranoia, unfriendliness and self hatred. I have never felt so bad in my life. This is the worst point. But I feel the Lord is drawing me, I feel drawn to pray often, often telling the devil to go away in the name of Jesus, praying for penitence for sins that I dare not even face. In all honesty I am afraid of seeing what is hidden deep in my heart and I often cower away from looking for the fear of seeing what I am truely like. I feel very scared and numb most of the time and I am on a very mixed bunch of mediciations. Please anyone, if you can give me any help or support with this I need my life, Lord, and sincerity back. I hope that I can open my heart and start being more genuine.

 

[joey_downunder]

To me it sounds like you are a victim of spiritual LIES from SATAN not God.

If you have asked for forgiveness for your sins and you still get accused, attacked, berated, tormented that is not possibly from God who loves you.

Don't worry about how bad your sins may or not be - Jesus died for sins of all mankind, are yours reaallly too much for Him? Of course NOT! If the apostle Paul could be forgiven for causing deaths of Christians in the early church then yours definitely can be forgiven as well.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 )

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
(Romans 8:1-2)

God Cannot Lie

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
(1 John 4:8-10)

Love[God] is patient and kind; love [God]does not envy or boast; it [God] is not arrogant or rude. It [God] does not insist on its own way; it[God] is not irritable or resentful; it[God]does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love [God] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Therefore a God who loves you and forgives you for your sins would not be causing you to feel terrible and hear accusations no matter what you do or don't do.
It is sad to read that you have accepted these lies for so long BUT God can turn any bad thing into good.
So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(John 8:31-32)

P.S. make sure you remain on your medicines unless you are ever told by your doctors to stop taking them. Bipolar is a MEDICAL condition, not a spiritual one.

 

[Forge3]

Included in my prayers.

 

[Catherineanne]

This is the worst point. But I feel the Lord is drawing me, I feel drawn to pray often, often telling the devil to go away in the name of Jesus, praying for penitence for sins that I dare not even face. In all honesty I am afraid of seeing what is hidden deep in my heart and I often cower away from looking for the fear of seeing what I am truely like. I feel very scared and numb most of the time and I am on a very mixed bunch of mediciations. Please anyone, if you can give me any help or support with this I need my life, Lord, and sincerity back. I hope that I can open my heart and start being more genuine.

In the situation you describe you need two equally important people in your life; a very good doctor, and a very good minister. The first to help you to control the symptoms of your illness, and the second to help you to find peace with God.

Any of us can approach God on our own, but when it gets difficult, as you describe, then we may need a minister to give us additional reassurance that we are on the right track. So, if either of those people is missing, I advise you to find them.

God be with you.

 

[Johnnz]

Some bad teaching has set you up for a bad spiral.

Listen to some of these discussions. you need a far healthier view of God and of yourself.
You're Included | Grace Communion International

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[Criada]

I agree with Catherineanne that you need help from both medical and spiritual experts.
Remember, Jesus died so that all our sins could be paid for and forgiven. To God, sin is sin - yours is no worse and no less than anyone else's. We all sin, and we all deserve death - and yet, by the incredible grace of God, we can be set free from condemnation and reconciled with him.

God knows what is you and what is your illness, brother, and he loves you - completely and unconditionally. It sounds as though He is calling you back to Himself - keep praying, seek help, and you will find that 'peace that passes all understanding'..

 

[now faith]

Hi everyone,

I'm in desperate trouble. I became a Christian when I was around 12 when I prayed and I was baptised with the Holy Spirit. At first I was very scared of God, especially of images of Him in the Old Testament but then things grew much lighter as I managed to feel much love for Jesus and was able to walk with Him quite easily. But something terrible happened to me when I was 16. My faith, which up until that point had been the centre of my life, had started to drift into doubt and I was in much distress and I couldn't seem to escape. I felt that I had insulted the Lord too much especially with letting pride into my heart and now he was going to punish me. And then things got really dark. I felt/knew that I was being attacked either by Satan or some form of evil and it was telling me all sorts of confusing things like "Good is evil and evil is good" and such things. The darkness completely consumed me and I felt I had completely given in to the devil which is when God's presence disappeared completely and I was left alone in a horrible dark world where God seemed to be totally absent. For the next ten years affter that I feel I have been living a total lie because even after several attempts at putting my life right with God I kept on giving up and falling into deeper and deeper sin. The problem I was experiencing when I was 16 was diagnosed by my doctor as bipolar and I have been on several medications for years. Very recently my mental health has deteriated even further and have began to hear voices berated me and telling me I was evil, a child hater, that deceit was my very nature and other things which I believed were true things in my heart. The most serious sins to me seem to be that throughout the years I have ignored my conscience to the point of it becoming numb and untroubling, indulding in pornography, feeling that demons live inside of me, feeling constantly in a state of fear totally convinced that everything inside me is a completely lie. The trouble with the voices really forced me to think of God very seriously again. I have been struggling with what seems to be aspects of spiritual warfare, feeling completely lifeless, feeling contempt and spite for loved ones including children, full of paranoia, unfriendliness and self hatred. I have never felt so bad in my life. This is the worst point. But I feel the Lord is drawing me, I feel drawn to pray often, often telling the devil to go away in the name of Jesus, praying for penitence for sins that I dare not even face. In all honesty I am afraid of seeing what is hidden deep in my heart and I often cower away from looking for the fear of seeing what I am truely like. I feel very scared and numb most of the time and I am on a very mixed bunch of mediciations. Please anyone, if you can give me any help or support with this I need my life, Lord, and sincerity back. I hope that I can open my heart and start being more genuine.

When you accepted Christ, every sin you had and will commit is forgiven. When you repent, that's it there is no suffering or work for you sin its already done through Christ. Bless God even if you need to repent every day, it is done you cannot be taken from Gods love. Try not to dwell on evil that will only give it a place in your life, do not react to the voices it will only make them stay longer. Rubuke Satan and he must flee in Jesus name. When you pray do not pray to Jesus ,only pray to God the Father in the name of Jesus. As a child of God you have the power and authority to control you life. Christ is the head and we are the body, Christ has put everything that is named under his feet, and we by his blood and body are joint heirs. I would recommend YouTube Kenneth Hagin sermon believers authority. Praying for you God bless

 

[koban4max]

Brother, I am currently facing the similar problems. I hear you.

 

[JCFantasy23]

In the situation you describe you need two equally important people in your life; a very good doctor, and a very good minister. The first to help you to control the symptoms of your illness, and the second to help you to find peace with God.

Any of us can approach God on our own, but when it gets difficult, as you describe, then we may need a minister to give us additional reassurance that we are on the right track. So, if either of those people is missing, I advise you to find them.

God be with you.

The above is excellent advice as usual from Catherineanne

I remember when I was going through intense mental struggles and ended up getting overwhelmed and confused. In desperation my mind was misleading itself about something with God that was quite serious and possibly damning. Definitely blasphemous even. Probably the lowest point of my Christian walk!

I did not have support that would lead me in the right direction at that time - it had always been a close relationship between God and myself and just us. I didn't have a church or pastor or even friends that were Christians. While I was still serious about my relationship with God, I became very confused and "foggy headed." God delivered me from them on a very special intervention weekend. Without the support of those He sent my way to help me find my way back to Him the RIGHT way, it could have been much more disastrous.

With mental struggles it's important to have a personal relationship with God, but also help from good influences such as a good pastor to speak with and a good doctor you trust.

 

[raven1]

You need to check out the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I think you may have OCD.

 

[Krgo1986]

Hey Matt,

I am so glad that I found this forum, in fact, this is my very first forum post ever and I am honored to be responding to you. The reason I decided to join a forum is because I too struggle with pornography and I know how much it hurts to know the will of God and yet do the exact opposite. Before reading your blog, I was key board clicks away from straying down that horrible cycle of pornography so, in a way, God used you to save me and for that I sincerely thank you. I think the the thing that makes the Devil so cunning is that he is not just a lyer but he mixes truth into his lies. For instance, if I were to summarize your thoughts then it sounds like Satan has been telling you that you are unworthy of God's love. The fact of the matter is that none of us is worthy of God's love. It also sounds like Satan has you convinced that you are a bad guy. The truth is that we are all bad and no one is good. Romans 3:10 "As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;" So Satan is telling you some truth but he left out the most important part, that is the part where Jesus Christ came to earth and died for all of our sins (John 3:16). Satan left out the part where Jesus made a concious desicion to love you, Matt, to the point of offering up His flesh for all of your sins. God really loves you brother and the thing about God's love is that it does not depend on your good behavior, in fact, there is nothing that can deminish His great love for you. I encourage you to read either Matthew, Mark, Luke or John with me and we can take a look at God's great love for us in a fresh and new perspective. I also encourage you to Find a Christian brother who you can trust with you deepest, darkest secrets so the they can help hold you accountable and you can do the same for them. Remember, sin is like fungus which thrives in the dark but like fungus it will die when you expose it and shine light upon it. Dont be affraid. Shine the light into the deepest resesses of your heart. your brother in Christ, Jonathan