I have been married for eleven years, for the most part my husband travels extensively for work or his an organization that he is involved in. It has gotten to a point now l am so lonely that l regret getting married. In fact, l am comtemplating separation. I am a Christian and my husband does not believe in divorce however, he takes me for granted. Currently, his main concern is whether dinner is cooked, clothes ironed and laundry done. I do love him but l feel hurt and depressed. I have tried talking calmly and nicely to him, but I am not getting through. I feel like l am going to lose my mind. Please advise.
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Please give advice
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ValleyGal
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- Dec 19, 2012
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Consider reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. If he never experiences the consequences of how he neglects you, he will never change. He has become comfortable in his lifestyle and in how he relates to you, without considering the effect it has on you. He needs to be perfectly clear that his neglect of you is breeding your resentment and will ultimately lead to the demise of the marriage unless it is tended to immediately.
Since he is a Christian, it might be worth your while to talk to your pastor about what is going on in your marriage. It seems your husband could use some guidance on how to love his wife like Jesus loves the church - humbly sacrificial, and in constant pursuit of relationship (Jesus stands at the door and knocks...he pursues the church). Your husband is neglecting your emotional needs, and he will answer to God for this unless he corrects his ways.
But there is something you can do about it. You can start by reading Boundaries because it offers immediate, practical ways to deal with the dynamics. But another good book to check out is Gary Thomas's "Sacred Influence." It is directed to women who have husbands in need of godly influence. It will give you some really great principles for how to influence your husband in a way that he likely would not even know it. Remember...you are not his slave; you are his equal partner, and you married him to build a life together, not apart.
Since he is a Christian, it might be worth your while to talk to your pastor about what is going on in your marriage. It seems your husband could use some guidance on how to love his wife like Jesus loves the church - humbly sacrificial, and in constant pursuit of relationship (Jesus stands at the door and knocks...he pursues the church). Your husband is neglecting your emotional needs, and he will answer to God for this unless he corrects his ways.
But there is something you can do about it. You can start by reading Boundaries because it offers immediate, practical ways to deal with the dynamics. But another good book to check out is Gary Thomas's "Sacred Influence." It is directed to women who have husbands in need of godly influence. It will give you some really great principles for how to influence your husband in a way that he likely would not even know it. Remember...you are not his slave; you are his equal partner, and you married him to build a life together, not apart.
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I would also recommend " thriving despite a difficult marriage" which addresses how to biblically and effectively meet needs when the person you are married isn't interested in doing so.
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- Jun 22, 2007
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I read a quote this morning (it's actually a quote from Lady Gaga---don't judge 
) that I think sums up how a person can begin to rise from feeling as if they've "lost their self" into defining who they are (and feel confident about that). It may not be the *whole* solution to what's going on---but I do think it's a start:
Powerful words from Lady Gaga after reflecting on her life and things that she was doing that were leaving her unhappy:
"So what did I do? I started to say no. I'm not doing that. I don't want to do that. I'm not taking that picture. I'm not going to that event. I'm not standing by that because that's not what I stand for. And slowly but surely, I remembered who I am, and then you go home, and you look in the mirror, and you're like, 'Yes, I can go to bed with you every night.' Because that person, I know that person. That person has ****, that person has integrity, that person has an opinion. That person doesn't say yes to everything. That person doesn't get a text from somebody and say, 'Oh my God, they wrote this, and they sent this emoji, should I write this back? What do you think? Is that okay to say? Are they going to like me if I say that? Should I say something different? This is the age that we live in. We're not actually communicating with each other. We are unconsciously communicating lies."
) that I think sums up how a person can begin to rise from feeling as if they've "lost their self" into defining who they are (and feel confident about that). It may not be the *whole* solution to what's going on---but I do think it's a start:Powerful words from Lady Gaga after reflecting on her life and things that she was doing that were leaving her unhappy:
"So what did I do? I started to say no. I'm not doing that. I don't want to do that. I'm not taking that picture. I'm not going to that event. I'm not standing by that because that's not what I stand for. And slowly but surely, I remembered who I am, and then you go home, and you look in the mirror, and you're like, 'Yes, I can go to bed with you every night.' Because that person, I know that person. That person has ****, that person has integrity, that person has an opinion. That person doesn't say yes to everything. That person doesn't get a text from somebody and say, 'Oh my God, they wrote this, and they sent this emoji, should I write this back? What do you think? Is that okay to say? Are they going to like me if I say that? Should I say something different? This is the age that we live in. We're not actually communicating with each other. We are unconsciously communicating lies."
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Sometimes when us men put in long hours, we want peace and quiet when we come home. When the husband puts in long hours, the wife misses him and adult interaction in general and wants to talk. I heard on the radio that there is some sort of pleasure center wired to the verbal center of a woman's brain in a way it isn't in a man's. Women derive a pleasure from talking things out that men don't. So he's got to be understanding, and you also have to realize he's not trying to hurt or neglect you. He's probably just run down and wants to veg out.
If you tell him how neglected you feel, talk about your own feelings without pointing fingers, and frame it as you know he is putting in a lot of hours and needs down time and doesn't feel like he wants to talk, but how not being able to talk to him or spend time with him makes you feel. You can tell him up front that you aren't saying this to blame him, just to tell him how he feels. He doesn't have to try to fix it or say anything to make you feel better. You could also tell him talking with you about something else-- besides that issue-- could make you feel connected, to prevent an argument on that issue. Be careful how you word it so that you aren't blaming him. Telling a man this while you are hugging in an affectionate embrace may be a good way to break the tension.
If a man has put in a lot of hours, coming home to a wife who has a bone to pick with him is a wearying thing. If you want to talk with him and connect with him, try the cheerful approach. Greet him at the door when he comes home with a big hug and kiss, and be very happy to see him, and then get him his favorite drink. Treat him like a king. Then ask if he can sit down with a while for you. Talking with a woman who is happy to see you is a lot more positive experience than talking to a woman who want to talk with you about how upset she is for not spending time talking with her.
If you tell him how neglected you feel, talk about your own feelings without pointing fingers, and frame it as you know he is putting in a lot of hours and needs down time and doesn't feel like he wants to talk, but how not being able to talk to him or spend time with him makes you feel. You can tell him up front that you aren't saying this to blame him, just to tell him how he feels. He doesn't have to try to fix it or say anything to make you feel better. You could also tell him talking with you about something else-- besides that issue-- could make you feel connected, to prevent an argument on that issue. Be careful how you word it so that you aren't blaming him. Telling a man this while you are hugging in an affectionate embrace may be a good way to break the tension.
If a man has put in a lot of hours, coming home to a wife who has a bone to pick with him is a wearying thing. If you want to talk with him and connect with him, try the cheerful approach. Greet him at the door when he comes home with a big hug and kiss, and be very happy to see him, and then get him his favorite drink. Treat him like a king. Then ask if he can sit down with a while for you. Talking with a woman who is happy to see you is a lot more positive experience than talking to a woman who want to talk with you about how upset she is for not spending time talking with her.
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Thank you for your wise council. Let me be honest with you. While I know I am not perfect, I am not a nagging wife either. I try at intervals to talk to my husband so as not for him to feel that I am burdening or bugging him. When my husband get home at whatever hour EVERY SINGLE NIGHT he comes home on his cell, changes his clothes, ask for food and then goes and watches television until 2 to 3 in the morning. I no longer have a relationship with him. I have done my best to explain this to him and I can only logically come to two conclusions 1. He sees it but does not want to admit because his ego will not allow him to (he could come across as arrogant and I have told him that) 2. He simply does not care. I am so frustrated that I am seriously considering moving out just to have a peace of mind.
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- Jun 22, 2007
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I'll pray for your decision. When words don't get through.....sometimes that's the only option (staying can only send the message that it's something you'll accept and live with). Catering to that behavior *certainly* isn't going to help (from what I know, that only causes a person to feel even more entitled to the lopsided relationship).
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NothingIsImpossible
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I've always wondered how people handle spouses that are away for long periods of time. Like those married to missionaries. I'm a lover, not a fighter. So when I'm away from my wife, even for a few hours I miss her. I can't imagine weeks or months at a time.
Well from what you've said it seems like he may see you as a slave. "Cook my food, clean the house... serve me!". The spouse that stays at home is sometimes neglected. The other spouse doesn't realize the amount of work it takes to maintain a house, pay the bills, make the food, buy the food...etc. You should tell him you feel hes unappreciative of you. In my case I am the stay at home husband. My wife is always like "Thanks for all you do around here!" or like if I am not feeling good she says "Its okay, you just rest, I'll do it for you. You do alot for me as it is!". It feels wonderful to be appreciated. I remember a story a few months ago about if a spouse that stays at home were to be paid as if they were a worker, they would make more then most people. Its a demanding job and taxing at that.
I'd see if he would go get counseling. If he refuses and says something like "But I've got work!" I'd say "Whats more important, missing a few hours of work or our marriage?". Its up to you if you want to tell him you have had thoughts of leaving him. Part of me says tell him so maybe he will realize things need to change. But the other part of me knows saying that may cause issues. I to do not believe in divorce, but it doesn't mean you should treat your spouse unlovingly because you know they won't leave you. Hopefully thats not what he is doing, using "I won't divorce" as a excuse to care less about you. Maybe bring up some scriptures. Such as (if you believe in this) he is head of the household spiritually. If hes causing you to stumble, think about divorce, feel unloved, get angry...etc then hes not doing good as a christian husband. Likewise the bible says to support each other. Give encouragement.
Would he be willing to find another job that means he could spend more time at home? I know its not an easy task but if you feel the marriage is at stake then he may need a different job. Or take you with him. Though I have a feeling that would just mean he ignores you and is busy thinking about work when hes at his hotel (or wherever he stays).
Here are some verses for him:
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Proverbs 22:10 - Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.
Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Lastly heres a prayer I seen online!:
Dear Lord,
We come before you today with all humbleness and appreciation for our lives. You are amazing and your love endures forever. We intercede right now for wives who feel neglected or wives who have been abandoned by their husbands. May your love comfort their hearts and give them the strength to carrying on. Give them insight and understanding into their situation. Help them to lean on you as you reveal your powerful compassion. Be their sanctuary, their refuge! Wipe their tears and send them encouragements. Ease the pain of loss or loneliness. Holy Spirit please guide them during this season filling them with your wisdom in Jesus name AMEN!
Well from what you've said it seems like he may see you as a slave. "Cook my food, clean the house... serve me!". The spouse that stays at home is sometimes neglected. The other spouse doesn't realize the amount of work it takes to maintain a house, pay the bills, make the food, buy the food...etc. You should tell him you feel hes unappreciative of you. In my case I am the stay at home husband. My wife is always like "Thanks for all you do around here!" or like if I am not feeling good she says "Its okay, you just rest, I'll do it for you. You do alot for me as it is!". It feels wonderful to be appreciated. I remember a story a few months ago about if a spouse that stays at home were to be paid as if they were a worker, they would make more then most people. Its a demanding job and taxing at that.
I'd see if he would go get counseling. If he refuses and says something like "But I've got work!" I'd say "Whats more important, missing a few hours of work or our marriage?". Its up to you if you want to tell him you have had thoughts of leaving him. Part of me says tell him so maybe he will realize things need to change. But the other part of me knows saying that may cause issues. I to do not believe in divorce, but it doesn't mean you should treat your spouse unlovingly because you know they won't leave you. Hopefully thats not what he is doing, using "I won't divorce" as a excuse to care less about you. Maybe bring up some scriptures. Such as (if you believe in this) he is head of the household spiritually. If hes causing you to stumble, think about divorce, feel unloved, get angry...etc then hes not doing good as a christian husband. Likewise the bible says to support each other. Give encouragement.
Would he be willing to find another job that means he could spend more time at home? I know its not an easy task but if you feel the marriage is at stake then he may need a different job. Or take you with him. Though I have a feeling that would just mean he ignores you and is busy thinking about work when hes at his hotel (or wherever he stays).
Here are some verses for him:
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Proverbs 22:10 - Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.
Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Lastly heres a prayer I seen online!:
Dear Lord,
We come before you today with all humbleness and appreciation for our lives. You are amazing and your love endures forever. We intercede right now for wives who feel neglected or wives who have been abandoned by their husbands. May your love comfort their hearts and give them the strength to carrying on. Give them insight and understanding into their situation. Help them to lean on you as you reveal your powerful compassion. Be their sanctuary, their refuge! Wipe their tears and send them encouragements. Ease the pain of loss or loneliness. Holy Spirit please guide them during this season filling them with your wisdom in Jesus name AMEN!
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