Please critique

[silentpoet]

Below is a piece of writing I started in the mens forum, in part because the idea originated based on a thread that occurred there. Well I have rewritten it once through. I do not think it is finished, but I am pleased with how it is turning out so far and the improvement from where I started with it. I do ask not to be slaughtered, but if you see flaws please kindly explain what you see wrong with this piece. Some aspects I cannot change because of the dramatic effect I am trying to achieve, but I will consider all advice.


Many people in the world today say that nice guys finish last. While in some minor ways this may be true, I want to tell you that it was not always this way and that it will not always be that way. In fact i can think of a notable exception in history. For on one day a nice man, or guy if you will, finished first.

The day this nice guy finished first was a busy day. Preliminaries to the event had to be gone through properly. Many men looked forward to this day, even those who did not live to see it. It had been planned for a very long time. Yet this last day was busy with events and activities to ready the men and facilities.

Two other men were also participating on this day. They were not really nice guys, but they had earned a chance to try to come in first. And while they were not as well known, they did at least deserve to participate. While the nice guy in no way should have been there if we were to be perfectly fair about the matter.

In such an event there must be officials, and there were many officials at this event. Some were eager to see the nice guy finish, in fact their effort helped his participation. There were other officials just ready for the day of grueling work to be over. So, with numerous reasons and views officials and witnesses watched on.

They had been placed there to see who would finish and in what places. It was important to see who finished on this particular day. Some witnesses had high hopes, others were dejected that this event was even taking place. The preparation of the participants had been intense. The nice guy even more than the others. Some might say that is why he finished first.

His intensity was a masterpiece, it would amaze people to this very day. With unearthly intensity he prepared. All his effort had gone into being ready for the day when he would finish first. And that is one lesson we can learn, prepare with intensity for your day. There are other lessons we could learn from this man, yet now just remember that he approached this day with a clear focus and great intensity.

The nice guy reached the finishing ground. His effort had gotten him this far. All of his considerable effort put him on that spot. Will, even through the suffering, proved stronger than pain. He chose the path to the finish line. With effort and fiery intensity he was the first to expire that day. You may know him, the nice guy, He was Jesus the Christ. And if you do not know this man, I say go meet him now.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

From a fellow writer. . . . Ask ConstanceB. . . she is a really good critiquer!

Kaylee

 

[FireKame]

At first glance I was thinking "Perhaps this is a love story." And then I read on, and it was Jesus Christ. Nice build up ^^

oh, and in the second or third sentence you used a lowercase "I."

 

[Lexi/is/a/JesusFreak]

I loved it. it kept you going to see who the "nice guy" was. in my opinion you are a wonderful writer.

 

[MaddiesDad]

it was a pleasure to read and worth the time as you paid tribute to Jesus.wow.nothing more awesome than just that.

 

[FoogieFighters]

hmmm not bad.

 

[silentpoet]

I took some suggestions and changed some aspects of the story. Some were things that others brought up. Some were things that troubled me and left me unsatisfied with what I had written. I am thankful for the pm message that had alot of points for changing. Some I did follow, some I didn't, but I did consider it all valuable input. There are still some touches needed, but I have gone through everything and changed most of the major problems to me. I need to let it settle and then look at it afresh in a day or two. I am sure there is much I can change.

Many people in the world today say that nice guys finish last. In some minor ways this may be true. However it may be helpful to tell you that it was not always this way and that it will not always be that way. There is at least one notable exception in history. For on one day a nice man, or guy if you will, finished first.

The day this nice guy finished first was a busy day. Preliminaries to the event had to be properly performed. This day had been highly anticipated, but people were not quite sure what they would see. The events of this day had been planned for a very long time. Yet this last day was busy with events and activities to ready the men and facilities.

Two other men participated on this day. They were not what you or I might call nice guys, but they earned a chance to try to come in first. Even though they were less famous, they did at least deserve to participate by the standards of the day. However, to be fair, by the standards of the day the nice guy should not have been there.

In any major event there must be officials, and there were many officials at this event. Some were eager to see the nice guy finish, in fact their effort helped his participation. Other officials were just ready for the day of grueling work to be over. With numerous reasons the officials watched on. There were some witnesses who had hoped for a different day and a different outcome.

The witnesses and officials had been placed there to see who would finish on this day. It was important to see who finished on this important day. Some witnesses had high hopes, others were dejected that this event was even taking place. The preparation of the participants had been intense. The nice guy was prepared with utmost intensity. Some might say that is why he finished first.

The nice guy's intensity and passion was a masterpiece, it would amaze people to this very day. With unearthly effort he prepared. All his life had gone into being ready for the day when he would finish first. And that is one lesson we can learn, prepare with intensity for your day. There are other lessons we could learn from this man, just remember that he approached this day with a clear focus and great intensity.

The nice guy reached the finishing ground. His effort had gotten him this far. All of his considerable effort put him on that spot. He had supreme will, even through the suffering. His purpose proved stronger than pain. He chose the path to the finish line. With effort and fiery intensity he was the first to expire that day. You may know him, the nice guy, He was Jesus the Christ.

 

[ConstanceB]

Hi! Your "clean-up" on the last re-write is impressive. It reads a lot more smoothly. Allow me to help you a little with mechanics in the following paragraph:

The nice guy's intensity and passion was a masterpiece, it would amaze people to this very day. With unearthly effort he prepared. All his life had gone into being ready for the day when he would finish first. And that is one lesson we can learn, prepare with intensity for your day. There are other lessons we could learn from this man, just remember that he approached this day with a clear focus and great intensity.

Sentence #1 - This is a run-on; I recommend that you replace the comma with a semi-colon.
Sentence #4 - Another run-on; I recommend replacing the comma with a colon to emphasize.
Last sentence - Run-on. Either use a conjunction after the comma ("but" seems appropriate) or a period instead of the comma. Then begin your main point, "The important thing is to just remember . . ." -- something like that.

How do you see this being used? It would make a good Oral Interpretation piece, I think. Read it dramatically from a stool or chair, with lights dim and the reader spotlighted.
ConstanceB

 

[silentpoet]

Thanks for the critique. I am not yet really ready to dive back into it yet. I feel I need to get some more distance and perspective so I can see everything that needs to be changed. I also want to get started on some other projects. I have lots of ideas to work with. I would like to extend the length of what I am producing. This piece is rather short.

Once finished on the current piece I plan to submit to some magazines. Maybe Guideposts or something similar. Any suggestions? I would like to have a few more works in progress before I submit so I have other works once I get my foot in the door. I have poetry out the wazoo as a backup, but only few worthy of publication.

 

[ConstanceB]

Have you looked at ChristianWriters.com? There are a lot of beginners there, most willing to critique -- and wanting others to offer suggestions.

If you do not have a current Writer's Market, that's a good place to start. I understand that there is an offshoot, Christian Writer's Market. (I've not done this, but I've heard that you can access Markets online.) These books list just about everything that's being published, by topic, with notes to inform you of what they are looking for and how much they pay.

Be willing to accept "payment" as copies of the publication. It's good to have something in your portfolio/resume to show that you've been published, especially if you expect to someday attract an agent.

Letting the work sit for a while is almost always a good idea; the only caveat is if your topic is time-sensitive, you'd best work to the deadline and forego the chill-time. Consider the following.

In the late '70s through the '80s, one heard the nickname "Superwoman" applied to a female who seems to "do it all" -- i.e., she has a successful career, is married, raises bright, well-behaved children, is a church member, Brownie leader, Den mother, makes her own clothes, does Yoga, bakes bread from scratch, attends her Book Club weekly with the reading completed, has stock market savvy, and paints seascapes in oils to pass the time when there's nothing to do.

I probably need not say that I did not fit the stereotype. I sent a humor essay about the Unsuperwoman to a widely circulated magazine with great hopes and a cover letter explaining why I should speak for others in my position. I began my query with, "Superwoman. I'm sick of hearing about her." In my rejection letter, an editor had scribbled, "I'm as sick of Unsuperwoman as I am of the other one." I was not just rejected, but now I was dejected. And, I still feel, because I was not writing in that first wave.

That situation is probably the only one where you don't want to "let it steep."