Pinching

[guitarragirl]

My husband pinches. His parents pinched him. The first time it happened was when my oldest son was about 7 months old and he wanted me, but I was sore and in the bath tub. My husband got impatient with the crying and he pinched our son on the inner thigh. He told me later that he did it. I was really upset, and I talked to him about it, how he was too young, and pinching is not something that I think is appropriate for parents to do to their children. Anyway, he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I'm really not sure if he ever stopped, and how often he does it. Sometimes I will see bruises on my son's inner thighs and wonder if he was pinched. About a month ago I asked my husband if he'd been pinching and he said he had, but he said that he would stop. Tonight we were at a movie and our 2 and a half year old son was talking during the movie (Prince Caspian), so my husband got frustrated. Next thing I know our son was crying, and my husband took him out. I asked later why he had been crying and he said that he pinched him and then took him out and gave him an earfull, and how our son will never do that again. I was really upset, but I talked to him calmly about it...how I've supported him with the spankings, but pinching is something I just won't tollerate, and how we need to be on the same page, and how punishment and always saying "you be never do that again" really teaches the child that they will loose your love if they are caught misbehaving. My husband (who is a wonderful husband and dad...most of the time) wouldn't talk to me, which is usually what he does when he's tired and thinks that I've said something wrong. I guess I should pray that God changes his heart, but what would you say to him? What I wish we could do is loving discipline, but I really can't if he won't support it. He's such a stubborn jerk sometimes! Thanks for any advice you can offer!

 

[JulySheMustFly]

While it isn't an easy road you can gracefully discipline your children even if dad isn't. I'm so sorry about the pinching thing. You are handling it much more tolerantly than I would. Sounds like the expectations your husband has for your young child is too high. A 2.5 year old is not typically going to be able to sit through such a movie in their own home let alone in a strange environment that is designed to be stimulating and during a movie with a more complex plot line.

My husband has made quite a journey in the 6 years he's been a dad. The biggest being that he and I both know that occasionally he needs to be reminded that they are children and we cannot set them up in situations where they are going to fail to meet our expectations. We need to know their limits and accomodate our standards to that.

Also if you parent gentley and he sees the results you are getting by doing so you stand in a situation where you can say "Hey hon, I tried this today with baby and he responded so well that I didn't have to punish him."

Welcome to CF by the way!

 

[EmilyF]

My husband comes from a family of cry mockers. I told my husband recently in no uncertain terms recently that it was to stop. He hasn't done it in my presence at least but we are slowly unpacking why it's a problem.
MY husband honestly was just very poorly raised. It's evident in the things that he doesn't value (like writing on our toddler's artwork) and those "little" things that get much bigger when the kids start to do them.

 

[jesusfreak4lifenow]

My husband pinches. His parents pinched him. The first time it happened was when my oldest son was about 7 months old and he wanted me, but I was sore and in the bath tub. My husband got impatient with the crying and he pinched our son on the inner thigh. He told me later that he did it. I was really upset, and I talked to him about it, how he was too young, and pinching is not something that I think is appropriate for parents to do to their children. Anyway, he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I'm really not sure if he ever stopped, and how often he does it. Sometimes I will see bruises on my son's inner thighs and wonder if he was pinched. About a month ago I asked my husband if he'd been pinching and he said he had, but he said that he would stop. Tonight we were at a movie and our 2 and a half year old son was talking during the movie (Prince Caspian), so my husband got frustrated. Next thing I know our son was crying, and my husband took him out. I asked later why he had been crying and he said that he pinched him and then took him out and gave him an earfull, and how our son will never do that again. I was really upset, but I talked to him calmly about it...how I've supported him with the spankings, but pinching is something I just won't tollerate, and how we need to be on the same page, and how punishment and always saying "you be never do that again" really teaches the child that they will loose your love if they are caught misbehaving. My husband (who is a wonderful husband and dad...most of the time) wouldn't talk to me, which is usually what he does when he's tired and thinks that I've said something wrong. I guess I should pray that God changes his heart, but what would you say to him? What I wish we could do is loving discipline, but I really can't if he won't support it. He's such a stubborn jerk sometimes! Thanks for any advice you can offer!

what is this loving discipline you are talking about? why not just do it.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

To my thinking- pinching babies and toddlers is borderline abuse-because of the lasting brusing. In some state law-the only corporeal punishment allowed is hitting on the child's bottom. I, personally, would demand counselling and his absolute commitment to stopping this behaviour immediately. To me it is 100% unacceptable- and seems to be indictive of some past issues that your husband likley needs some help and time to work through. It kinda breaks my heart--because the two paths "discipline" like that yields to is either complete rebellion in rsponse to what children come to know is unjust-or complete submission which allows a child to be led about by whatever the prevailing wind is in their lives so as to not upset the apple cart, so to speak.

 

[lin1235]

To my thinking- pinching babies and toddlers is borderline abuse-because of the lasting brusing. In some state law-the only corporeal punishment allowed is hitting on the child's bottom. I, personally, would demand counselling and his absolute commitment to stopping this behaviour immediately. To me it is 100% unacceptable- and seems to be indictive of some past issues that your husband likley needs some help and time to work through. It kinda breaks my heart--because the two paths "discipline" like that yields to is either complete rebellion in rsponse to what children come to know is unjust-or complete submission which allows a child to be led about by whatever the prevailing wind is in their lives so as to not upset the apple cart, so to speak.

I totally agree. I do not believe a parent has the right to demand unflinching obedience from a child, especially a child who is too young to do what the parent demands. Pinching a toddler seems almost bullying to me - "I hurt you because I'm bigger than you and that will force you to do what I want".

Offer your child lots of love and unconditional acceptance, and try to intervene when he does something that might upset your husband BEFORE your husband chooses to do something inappropriate. I'm sorry you have to struggle with this.

 

[bliz]

The pinching is warped. Especially on the inner thigh, that raisins all sorts of sexual issues.

Your husband needs to learn how to deal with his own frustrations and not take it out on your son. Some anger management classes might help.

 

[guitarragirl]

Thanks for your replies. I talked to him about it again, and he said that it's not something that he wants or plans to do, and isn't planning to do it in the future. I'm curious about the above post by bliz that says it raises all sorts of sexual issues...is there somewhere I can read about this? Where did you hear it? Thanks!

 

[MikeK]

I would absolutely not tollerate my spouse pinching any of our kids. One time would result in a talking-to, twice would result in me demmanding counseling, three times would result in me physically removing my children from her presence.

Pinches hurt, man. Especially if they're hard enough to leave a bruise. If there's a bruise, I would consider that child abuse and do whatever it took to protect my kids, and if thet meant filing a police report against my spouse, so be it. It would likely but one of the most difficult things I could ever do, but that sort of behavior from adults toward children should never be tollerated.

 

[JustBoo]

I would absolutely not tollerate my spouse pinching any of our kids. One time would result in a talking-to, twice would result in me demmanding counseling, three times would result in me physically removing my children from her presence.

Pinches hurt, man. Especially if they're hard enough to leave a bruise. If there's a bruise, I would consider that child abuse and do whatever it took to protect my kids, and if thet meant filing a police report against my spouse, so be it. It would likely but one of the most difficult things I could ever do, but that sort of behavior from adults toward children should never be tollerated.

agree with this

 

[JBJoe]

My husband pinches. His parents pinched him. The first time it happened was when my oldest son was about 7 months old and he wanted me, but I was sore and in the bath tub.

At this point, from the comfort of my armchair, I would say your husband has anger management issues and pinching is his way of lashing out. Surely your husband didn't seriously think that causing physical pain to an infant would cure the crying issue??

Anyway, he told me he wouldn't do it anymore.

But he did. This is the exact same cycle that occurs with men who batter their spouses. They are sorry afterwards and promise not to do it again. But when tempers flare again, they do it again because the underlying issue causing them to pinch has never been addressed.

Tonight we were at a movie and our 2 and a half year old son was talking during the movie (Prince Caspian), so my husband got frustrated. Next thing I know our son was crying, and my husband took him out. I asked later why he had been crying and he said that he pinched him and then took him out and gave him an earfull, and how our son will never do that again.

A few problems here. First, as was mentioned before, expecting a 2 1/2 year old to sit through a 2+ hour movie is unrealistic. The toddler who can do that probably exists, but is far from typical. Second problem is your husband's belief that through sheer terror your child will model ideal behavior - especially in a 2 1/2 year old.

Anyway, something just isn't right with how your husband is processing anger. He has promised not to do something, but he does not deliver on that promise. He intends to, as you mentioned, but the pinching still happens.

I say draw a line in the sand. Come to an agreement:

* Pinching is wrong
* You agree not to do it again
* If you do it again, you will seek professional help
* If you do not seek professional help, I will do what is necessary to protect the children

That's rather draconian, feel free to ignore this advice, but clearly a stern talking to is not curing him.

 

[bliz]

Thanks for your replies. I talked to him about it again, and he said that it's not something that he wants or plans to do, and isn't planning to do it in the future. I'm curious about the above post by bliz that says it raises all sorts of sexual issues...is there somewhere I can read about this? Where did you hear it? Thanks!

I do not know that there is a connection, but it seems logical and likely that there could be.

Your son knows what is coming when Daddy gets upset. It's doubtful that your son just opens up his legs and waits to be pinched. I would imagine that you son is squirming and struggling and trying to keep his legs together. Meanwhile, Dad is prying his legs apart and trying to get his hand between your sons legs so he can hurt him. That alone is horrible. But we add to that your son's genitalia are undoubtedly being brushed, squeezed and possibly stimulated by this process. So we have the possible combination of pain, fear and sexual stimulation all being mixed together... and brought about by Daddy. When two things are happening at the same time or in combination, our minds pair them together, like being spanked and becoming sexually aroused. What goes on in the mind with this sick combination of things is beyond me, but I don't think it will help your son have a great sex life when he marries. It will clearly not help your son have a wonderful relationship with his father.

 

[Beth1231]

I recommend that you either read bliz's post to your husband or ask him to read it. I can tell you from personal experience that she isn't far from the mark

And pinching was in my family too and it hurts. It's humiliating, it hurts and it causes a feeling of helpless anger to well up inside of you only to come back later when you are older and dealing with anger mangagement issues yourself.

Ask me how I know I would be willing to talk to your more by PM if you would like.