physical temptation. desperately in need of christian direction.

[JumBledJewell]

hey, i'm new.
i have nowhere else to look or go. i'm 18.
I've been through these posts and found a few posts that help me, but none directly. so i joined. i'm not good at handling rejection, so please respond if you see this.

background to situation:
i'm a christian, my boyfriend's a christian. I am so passionately in love with God that it even scares me. I have been a christian for awhile and so has my boyfriend.

situation:
physical temptation. i need help. my boyfriend and i have gone too far. i will say how because then maybe someone can help me more specifically. We were kissing, not very long (we hadn't even really made out) but he went up my shirt. We agreed not to do that anymore. and it was then i revealed to him my struggle with physical temptation. sometime later, we were kissing and afterwards, he asked me "so, you don't want to do the other thing?" meaning up my shirt.

i was shocked and hurt. he's a christian. is it just a guy thing? do all guys want to do that? or is it that guys are willing to go as far as the girl will let them? even if its "too far"? it should be a mutual thing, right? i'm so confused. i'v read about "going too far" and all that jazz.....but i'm at a loss. is this worth breaking up over? i just feel hurt. any suggestions?

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Temptation is something that's extremely difficult for women to understand about men. Yes, women are tempted, and there are plenty of women who struggle with it more than plenty of men, but by and large men struggle with it in ways most women can't even realize (hence your shock and questions). I suggest both of you reading the book Every Young Man's Battle separately. There are plenty of books out there, and that one really helped me. I'm not perfect, and neither is my girlfriend, but we're really trying to keep ourselves accountable physically until we can get married.

To put it bluntly: when guys get caught up in the thick of temptation, they often try to get as far as they can. This isn't true for every guy, but I don't always think the same when I'm being tempted. With all thanks to God, I'm getting much better!

 

[DerekWP]

You both were probobly in a compromising position. Remember what you do with him is ok, as long as you can pray to God at the same time the act is going on. If He speaks back to you in the obvious guilty way, I would stop
Derek

 

[desi]

To put it bluntly: when guys get caught up in the thick of temptation, they often try to get as far as they can. This isn't true for every guy, but I don't always think the same when I'm being tempted.

This is so true. So long as your bf stops when you tell him to he's probably okay. I'd be worried about him more if he didn't try.

 

[DaveKerwin]

If he is more about physical gratification then about honoring your body, perhaps it is time for a breakup. Just don't get involved with that game where you breakup, date again, break up, date again, that is just plain stupid.

Perhaps tell him how UNVALUABLE it makes you feel when he suggests that you sin physically. I would set a boundary where if it happens again, you break up. BUT, you both have to agree to it, and mean it, AND follow through should it happen again. That's my suggestion.

 

[mathias1979]

Did you make it completely clear after the first time that you did not want to do that again? Or did you just kind of hint at it? Because if you didn't directly say "I don't want to do that again, I feel that should be reserved for marriage" then he may not have understood how serious you were. Perhaps he just thought you weren't ready for that at the time, but you would become more "okay" with it. Just be sure you make yourself completely clear...if he keeps pestering you, then I agree that he may be more interested in the physical parts of the relationship right now, and it may be time to end it.

Otherwise, what everyone else has said is essentially true. I think men reach their breaking point much earlier than women. On average, a man is much more likely to be willing to cross the line in the heat of the moment.

-Matt

 

[bliz]

First, stay out of places where things you don't want to have happen can happen.
He is less likely to let his hands wander where they should not wander when you are bowling or at Burger King or volunteering at Habitat for Humanity or in your parent's livingroom with your parents.

I'm a bit less sympathetic with your boyfriend's response to temptation and his interest in doing what had been declared off limits to your than the guys who posted previously have been. If your boyfriend can behave appropriatly in your parent's livingroom, which I'm sure he does, he has sufficent control not to lift your shirt when you've made it clear that is not welcome.

One of the myths of male sexuality is that they cannot stop once aroused. Nonsense! A myth of teenage sex is "We got caught up and we couldn't stop." Also nonsense!

It is very hard to dial back a physical relationship, but it can be done. It requires that both parties be willing. Should you boyfriend cross the line again, I would have to say that his resolve is suspect and you would need to carefully reconsider your relationship with him. But this may be a moot point if you stay out of situations and places where it's easy for things to go too far.

If you do not want to cross a line, you need to stop walking so close to the line.

 

[mathias1979]

I can't speak for all the guys who responded, but the reason I was sympathetic is because the first time the boundaries were unclear, he didn't know it was off limits. the second time, he didn't do anything, he asked, which shows that he is at least aware of the limit now, but perhaps he was unclear of whether or not the limit was set permanently. Everyone has different limits...perhaps he was already in a relationship that went further and he is expecting to be go over further. That doesn't give him permission to, and he certainly needs to respect her decision if it is to not go any further. But there may very well be something to explain why he made the inquiry the second time other than he's just sleazy guy with no respect for women.

Also, at that age, it's sometime difficult to believe that it is possible to remain completely chaste. With all the sexual imagery bombarding our youth today, I think there's no reason we can't have some sympathy if they are struggling with the concept of purity. Not saying that we should place the blame somewhere else. But I'm saying that the concept of chastity can be overwhelming at that age, and it takes some time to really understand that it can be accomplished. I think if you want to get your point of chastity across to a male that way, having a bit of sympathy is going to be better than simply scolding their behavior.

-Matt

 

[JumBledJewell]

I want to sincerely thank every one of you who replied. Ya'll have touched my heart, and I will honestly pray for you guys. I will also pray that God will bless you for your words of wisdom. Please continue to pour them out.

Thank you for suggesting the book. I have been wanting a book that will help. I wasn't sure if I should get the Young Man's or just Every Man's Battle. So thank you.

And Derek, I'm not exactly sure what you were meaning, so any clarification would be awesome.

And to answer someone's question, after the first time, he initiated that we not do it, and I agreed, and then later that nite I told him that I was glad he was the one that said no, because I struggle with it, and I assumed we were still agreed. So, in other words, I could have made the lines more clear. But if ya'll could pray that I will rely on God's strength to bring up boundaries, that would be awesome. Because I know I can't rely on me alone to do this.

I wish I could express to you who have replied all my grattitude. You have said words that I won't forget and just reassured me on things and pretty much picked me up so I could look God in the face again.

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to bless me with your opinions and suggestions. I seriously have nowhere else to go to get help with this issue besides the Bible. Ya'll are amazing!

 

[Breetai]

Physical tempation is extremely hard to overcome. I've given in to it many times before. You and your bf have to set up boundries, and it looks like you already have. That's awesome.

In many of my situations, I've been willing to go as far as the girl has been willing to let me...and then go for more. Usually girls will give in very easily. I've got a ton of respect for a girl who can control herself and stay true to what she believes in(even though it would frustrate me at the time). If a girl doesn't give in to temptation and doesn't give in to a guy's advances, then they are a stonger person then many. JumBledJewell, I've got to commend you on trying to find a way to stop from going too far. You're doing great! Just stick to your boundries and don't give them up for anything.

 

[SirKenin]

It might not be worth breaking up over necessarily. A good talk might just resolve the issue. Set the boundaries, and ensure you're not in places where temptation can take it's course.

If your boyfriend doesn't respect your boundaries, then he doesn't respect you. If that's the case and if it doesn't change you will probably end up breaking up with him. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect you and your body. That tells me, quite frankly, that he's only interested in one thing and it isn't your inner beauty if you get my meaning.

It is quite typical for the young male libido to run strong and wild. It is a very difficult thing to control for some (I have been in that position myself). Regardless, he must develop self control and respect you. There are three essentials to every relationship when you boil the issues right down. Respect, communication and trust. All three of these MUST exist for a relationship to be successful.

Hope this helps.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Thank you for suggesting the book. I have been wanting a book that will help. I wasn't sure if I should get the Young Man's or just Every Man's Battle. So thank you.

The only real difference between the books is Every Man's Battle is aimed at married men, while EYMB is written towards the teenage/early-20's not-married man.

 

[Quiet Storm]

I haven't read all the replies, but:

The best advice in general that I've ever heard someone say concerning the subject matter of purity is to completely rid yourselves of any opportunities. I'm sure that it's easy to say "we'll never do this" or "I'm strong enough to go this far and no further", but when the heat of temptation comes, then I'm quite sure that compromise can come just as easily. I always say that with my first (hopefully only) relationship, I'm probably going to have to take things VERY slowly because 1) I'm striving for purity and 2) I don't know my limits. Some people can take kissing while some can't even take holding hands. I think the thing is to be completely honest with one's self and evaluate what can be done without the slightest possibility of going over and set boundaries accordingly. If it means never being alone together, so be it. Hope it helps.

 

[Iggster]

I know you two are very tempted. But please understand that what you are being tempted to do is a very sacred thing. It's not just an act. It's being bound together as one flesh. A spiritual connection, if you will. How important is this for you is the question?

From a guys perspective point-of-view, we tend to think with our other head. So be careful. I'm sure he's a great guy. But there are wolves out there in sheeps clothing.

If this guy respects you and wants to be with you, he should understand.