Phubbing

[kmrichard7]

I do this to my husband, on occassion my kids. My husband points it out sometimes and i have improved.
Not enough though. Yesterday i was considering getting rid of my phone or at least downgrading from a smart phone. I dont want to ignore my family but sometimes im so wrapped up "in the zone" its hard to shut off. I typically have to leave the house in order to successfully unplug. I dont watch TV much and we dont have internet or cable so the phone is my only way of doing this to my family and ive seriously considered giving it up.
Ive tried cutting back and i cant. Like some people become addicted to porn, ive got a smartphone addiction. I lived without it for 20 some odd years, i can live without it again.
That all being said it doesnt affect my marriage nearly as much as it does my kids. My husband has his own hobbies he gets wrapped up in so he understands and laughs most of the time. My kods are learning from me and its not good.

 

[mkgal1]

My kids are learning from me and its not good.

That's an honorable motivation, (and I don't mean this as criticism) but won't they learn more by you obtaining a balance? What I mean is......they're (most likely) going to be living in a world with a smart phone---having you model a good balance for them would be really helpful.

 

[kmrichard7]

That's an honorable motivation, (and I don't mean this as criticism) but won't they learn more by you obtaining a balance? What I mean is......they're (most likely) going to be living in a world with a smart phone---having you model a good balance for them would be really helpful.

It would definately be best if i could model moderation and balance for them but some things i am unable to do so with. I relate to an alcoholic in a way. perhaps because my parents are addicts but certain outlets i find i tend to over indulge and am unable to find a balance. For instance smoking cigarettes. I smoked for fourteen years and finally quit almost two years ago.
While My husband smoked the same length of time and quit the same day he could smoke socially and not touch them any other time. He doesnt but he is capable. I know if i were to smoke again it would quickly escalate to over indulgence so i cant allow myself even one cigarettecigarette. Now this may be easy for some people to never have one cigarette again because they werent smokers or as heavily addicted but to know it wouldnt stop at one is to know how weak i am to certain things.
Internet use is the same. I try and try to limit my use. Only 30 minutes when i wake up turns into 3 hours.
Hopefully i can find balance with this as well but first stopping all together i think will benefit. Who knows, maybe i can trt to go the rest of the week without. we are going to be really busy.
Its not that i dont want to spend time with my family. I live them. Ive just built my comfort zone in here and to be pulled out sometimes gets overwhelming. Sad but i honestly think my use borders addiction.

 

[heliumskylark]

I'm finding it difficult to have a strong opinion on this article purely because what one person might perceive as "phubbing", the other might perceive as totally inoffensive. For example, my husband and I often watch a bit of TV in the evenings. Sometimes we snuggle while we watch, sometimes he does some sketching (he's an architect) and sometimes I trawl ebay on my phone. I could perceive his sketching as a "snub" and he could perceive my phone use as a "phub" but neither of them are intended that way.

I think the whole term "phubbing" implies that a bid for connection is made, and the partner on the phone snubs the other in favor of the phone. Of course there are going to be times when couples are engaged in their own things, but... The idea is that when someone is expected to be engaged in face to face time, and instead spends all that time on the phone, that is phubbing - not just when two people are having a period of legitimate disconnection.

But an expectation for someone to be engaged in face to face time is quite subjective, and it's very easy to get offended when somebody doesn't recognise your expectation and respond the way you hoped, when in reality you might not have expressed that expectation clearly (or at all), and they have no idea that they're expected to be engaging in face to face time. Bids for connection can be very subtle sometimes! ( <- Not a criticism of ValleyGal's post specifically; I'm guilty myself of some very obscure connection bids lol!)

While "phubbing" may be relatively new----people getting absorbed into other activities without their spouse isn't. Plenty of people get absorbed by solo activities like reading books, exercising, and watching television (or working on hobbies out in the garage or other rooms by themselves). I think it's just a matter of the couple coming to a mutual agreement about how much independence is good....and where it crosses the line into neglect of the other.

^^This

 

[mkgal1]

Its not that i dont want to spend time with my family. I love them. Ive just built my comfort zone in here and to be pulled out sometimes gets overwhelming. Sad but i honestly think my use borders addiction.

But what if your addiction were something like food? You'd be forced to learn moderation if you wished to be healthy.....right? I don't mean to be contrary....and I hope that doesn't sound combative, I'm just trying to make a point

 

[akmom]

I wonder if people felt the same way about telephones. You can be mid-conversation, and the telephone rings, interrupting the conversation and obligating someone to get up and answer it. Then that phone conversation becomes the priority. I imagine this impacted many relationships 50 years ago. But as a society, we adjust.

Smartphones are far less intrusive. A person can glance at a text mid-conversation and choose whether to let it interrupt or not. They can reply rather discreetly too. There is rarely an obligation to answer a text or even phone call immediately, as Caller ID and various forms of leaving a message reduce the urgency. Then again, a person did not usually have the phone ringing off the hook day and night 50 years ago, so maybe people felt they still had a fair amount of uninterrupted time together.

I think people's preference for communication has changed. A person may prefer to text because they can communicate at their own pace, mull over what they have said and what the other person has said, and impart only what they want. In a conversation, you have to answer quickly, remember carefully, and have your facial expressions and tone scrutinized. It's more work. I think people defer to their phones because as a society we are changing the way we prefer to communicate. We like to text instead of talk face-to-face.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Please clear one thing up for me because I'm wondering if I have the right idea on this.
Phubbing is when someone simply pays attention to their phone instead of the mutual activity two people are engaged in.. Is that right??

Like two people at a restaurant having dinner and one keeps texting on their phone when the other is trying to have a conversation? Or in the same setting, someone is already texting on their phone and when you try to get their attention, they ignore you?

Is that what phubbing is? In short, I understand phubbing to be someone paying attention to their phone when they should be paying attention to the person they're with....

Of course, I can imagine other scenarios where a spouse is sitting at a kitchen table eating breakfast and texting.. then the other spouse walks in and says something but barely gets a response.

Clear this up for me please.

I have no idea what phubbing is? I must google

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

She got fed up and said she was going to the washroom and never returned. .

Good for her! Just because we have "technology" now, doesn't mean we have to throw social etiquette out the window and behave like animals.

Unless you are a DR (or other similar lives-in-your-hands-profession), parent of small children, etc.. the f2f person always gets priority, snub the person on the end of the text.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I do this to my husband, on occassion my kids. My husband points it out sometimes and i have improved.
Not enough though. Yesterday i was considering getting rid of my phone or at least downgrading from a smart phone. I dont want to ignore my family but sometimes im so wrapped up "in the zone" its hard to shut off. I typically have to leave the house in order to successfully unplug. I dont watch TV much and we dont have internet or cable so the phone is my only way of doing this to my family and ive seriously considered giving it up.
Ive tried cutting back and i cant. Like some people become addicted to porn, ive got a smartphone addiction. I lived without it for 20 some odd years, i can live without it again.
That all being said it doesnt affect my marriage nearly as much as it does my kids. My husband has his own hobbies he gets wrapped up in so he understands and laughs most of the time. My kods are learning from me and its not good.

Can you intentionally turn it off when you are around your kids? The only reason I absolutely need it on is when I am not with my husband or kids, and they might text me. They are my top priority, and anyone else can leave voice mail.. The stakes are way too high on this one, and I'm guessing you already know that.. Praying for you!

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I'm guessing in the 60's my dad snubbed my mom by burying his head in the newspaper when he got home from work, or turning on the nightly news.. The devil's schemes haven't changed at all, and yep they divorced.

 

[kmrichard7]

Can you intentionally turn it off when you are around your kids? The only reason I absolutely need it on is when I am not with my husband or kids, and they might text me. They are my top priority, and anyone else can leave voice mail.. The stakes are way too high on this one, and I'm guessing you already know that.. Praying for you!

I've been working on turning it off around my husband and kids. I've also been rediculously busy which helps when you have no time to go online. I prefer the time with my family and I've been trying to remind myself of that. But days like today where I'm just so tired I don't feel like being bothered first thing in the morning so I space online and eventually it turns into an all day thing.
What I need to learn is how to put it down when my family wants my attention. Not permanantly but at least while they are in need of attention.
I think it honestly boils down to depression and anxiety. I hit a super hard rough patch a few years ago (4) and it's been a constant since that time and it's just kinda set in as habit now. for a while I used it to run away from my feelings, now it's just what I'm used to.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I've been working on turning it off around my husband and kids.
I think it honestly boils down to depression and anxiety. I hit a super hard rough patch a few years ago (4) and it's been a constant since that time and it's just kinda set in as habit now. for a while I used it to run away from my feelings, now it's just what I'm used to.

I am so sorry you are struggling, and I am praying for you right now!

I'm not asking you to reveal your age, but I do see you are female.. The 40's, can be really hard with hormonal changes, and it's not talked about enough! Please consider seeing your OB if that is the case. I'm guessing you might be inadvertently adding to your anxiety/depressing by beating yourself up over this -- God loves you, and He is not beating you up. He is extending grace to you. Can you extend grace to you?

Of course, I don't know where you are with the Lord either, but may I also suggest you consider a schedule quiet time (no big deal if you miss a day/time.. this isn't supposed to add more stress!), consider breathing exercises for relaxation, and even Christian meditation (gosh, there are great apps for that).. Seems you have nailed it - the smartphone addiction, really is just a symptom. I caught that you said you were very busy, and that makes it even more important to rest in the Lord, take care of your body (sleep, exercise, healthy eating, water, yoga, deep breathing exercise, etc..)

Please forgive if you already do these things.. I'm working off little information and PLEASE if you do not do these things, don't try to do them all at once, and add stress.. just pick 1 or 2 of them to try.

 

[mkgal1]

I think it honestly boils down to depression and anxiety. I hit a super hard rough patch a few years ago (4) and it's been a constant since that time and it's just kinda set in as habit now. for a while I used it to run away from my feelings, now it's just what I'm used to.

Awareness is probably the greatest step towards finding a balance in moderation. Praying that you reach a good place of moderation (so you can enjoy the feeling of overcoming all that).

 

[kmrichard7]

Yall are so nice thank you! I feel like a total jerk and yall have been overly understanding. Thank you. I honestly don't like being this way. I feel like I've thread jacked but I'm a real life phubber here. Today was better. I work when my daughter gets out of school three nights a week so I only see her in the morning but in the mornings I'm on my phone the most. I did well avoiding that today. I spent about half the time with her and the other half on the phone. Tomorrow I'll try cutting it down even more. I've gotten better with my husband and being like that. But he does the same to me, just not the internet. He's an instrument junkie and plays all the time and half the time I'm talking to him he isn't even listening haha. But he's getting better too.
I'm also like this when I read books so I just stay away from books. when I've started a new book my husband knows not to even try to talk to me and that the kids are his responsibility because I'm gonna be locked up in the room reading until It's done.
Maybe it's just about self control. For me it's about self control and awareness as mentioned above. I see the problem but a lot of the time I dont realize and it doesn't register that I'm doing it again until much later. Hopefully my reaction time will get better as well and it wont take so long to realize I need to turn it off haha

 

[mkgal1]

No reason to feel like a jerk. It sounds as if you're aware of what you're doing and are actively doing something to improve. That's reason to pat yourself on the back (I think)