In my late teens & early twenties I felt dissatisfied with being a girl. I wanted to have the strength that boys had. I had watched my father beat my mother mercilessly as a very young child. Church women would tell her she needed to submit to him, that demons were making her get him angry.
My father used to beat her up because he would bring his dates to the room where we were staying & wanted her to talk to them & be nice whiles he got ready. She would stand there immobile & never move or say anything. So he would get upset, call all his male friends to the door after he got back from his date, hold the door open with something so his friends could watch as he punched,kicked & bit her for embarrassing him.
Then there was the molestation by his brother & best friend. That got me thinking of sex when I could not even read yet. Also, my mother told me constantly that he left her because she did not have a boy.
So, all these things combined to make me think of sex as the way to closeness with someone. I also was not very girly by nature. I felt something was wrong with me. I thought about every kind of sex. I think I was open to anything.
What saved me was the bible. I gave my life to Christ at the age of 6. I wanted to know God, I wanted to be close to Him. Not one member of my family paid any particular attention to me. I was left alone for the whole day, many times having nothing to eat.
I wanted to belong & the message I got from the world was I was not celebrated for being a girl, I was not as pretty as my cousins, I was not cherished.
I wanted to be. I know God helped me. I think if I had actually gotten involved with lesbianism beyond the sexual acting out with girls whiles in elementary school, I might have been in bondage today.
I remember being in the Word & being filled with the Holy Spirit. I read the bible like I needed it to live because I did. I wanted to know Jesus & He said He was the Word. The bible fed me. I had the hunger that came from the Spirit & a strong lust that burned in my fleshly mind. It was a war.
I began to meditate on the Word to renew my mind. I knew wisdom based on truth was in the bible. I began to think that Jesus was the truth, so sin is a lie. If I felt that I was a lesbian, then it must be a lie. I had Christ in me. I reasoned by Gods' grace, that I was not what I felt but what God said I was. I realized my feelings came from all these experiences that taught me lies about myself. God made us out of Himself to glorify Him. I reasoned that God must be stronger!!!
No matter how strong my feelings were this is where my faith had to come in. I attacked every line of reasoning that was against the knowledge of the Jesus/Truth.
My feelings did not dictate who I was, God said who I was.
I would not get fulfillment from sin only death. God made me & my satisfaction was in His design for me.
I did not need anything but God. My flesh was lying to me.
I worshipped God constantly.
I told Him these confessions. You have made me Oh God, You know me, You have ordained me to be a woman for Your glory. You love me, I am whole in You. I will not look to this world for life. You are my Life.
Man, God is good! Hallelujah!!
This is the key to every temptation man. Knowing God. As Romans says of those who choose sin, we choose sin over knowing God. As we seek Him to know Him we are changed into His image, from glory to glory.
We choose to be out of our place where He gave us the anointing to be. I don't care what you are struggling with. God gave you the anointing to be a man or a woman. His Word created you. His Word will build you up as you spend time in His Presence.
Thank goodness, I have no desire for women or a lesbian relationship. I do not burn or feel any attraction. I am not dealing with anything in that regard. May God bless you all.
My father used to beat her up because he would bring his dates to the room where we were staying & wanted her to talk to them & be nice whiles he got ready. She would stand there immobile & never move or say anything. So he would get upset, call all his male friends to the door after he got back from his date, hold the door open with something so his friends could watch as he punched,kicked & bit her for embarrassing him.
Then there was the molestation by his brother & best friend. That got me thinking of sex when I could not even read yet. Also, my mother told me constantly that he left her because she did not have a boy.
So, all these things combined to make me think of sex as the way to closeness with someone. I also was not very girly by nature. I felt something was wrong with me. I thought about every kind of sex. I think I was open to anything.
What saved me was the bible. I gave my life to Christ at the age of 6. I wanted to know God, I wanted to be close to Him. Not one member of my family paid any particular attention to me. I was left alone for the whole day, many times having nothing to eat.
I wanted to belong & the message I got from the world was I was not celebrated for being a girl, I was not as pretty as my cousins, I was not cherished.
I wanted to be. I know God helped me. I think if I had actually gotten involved with lesbianism beyond the sexual acting out with girls whiles in elementary school, I might have been in bondage today.
I remember being in the Word & being filled with the Holy Spirit. I read the bible like I needed it to live because I did. I wanted to know Jesus & He said He was the Word. The bible fed me. I had the hunger that came from the Spirit & a strong lust that burned in my fleshly mind. It was a war.
I began to meditate on the Word to renew my mind. I knew wisdom based on truth was in the bible. I began to think that Jesus was the truth, so sin is a lie. If I felt that I was a lesbian, then it must be a lie. I had Christ in me. I reasoned by Gods' grace, that I was not what I felt but what God said I was. I realized my feelings came from all these experiences that taught me lies about myself. God made us out of Himself to glorify Him. I reasoned that God must be stronger!!!
No matter how strong my feelings were this is where my faith had to come in. I attacked every line of reasoning that was against the knowledge of the Jesus/Truth.
My feelings did not dictate who I was, God said who I was.
I would not get fulfillment from sin only death. God made me & my satisfaction was in His design for me.
I did not need anything but God. My flesh was lying to me.
I worshipped God constantly.
I told Him these confessions. You have made me Oh God, You know me, You have ordained me to be a woman for Your glory. You love me, I am whole in You. I will not look to this world for life. You are my Life.
Man, God is good! Hallelujah!!
This is the key to every temptation man. Knowing God. As Romans says of those who choose sin, we choose sin over knowing God. As we seek Him to know Him we are changed into His image, from glory to glory.
We choose to be out of our place where He gave us the anointing to be. I don't care what you are struggling with. God gave you the anointing to be a man or a woman. His Word created you. His Word will build you up as you spend time in His Presence.
Thank goodness, I have no desire for women or a lesbian relationship. I do not burn or feel any attraction. I am not dealing with anything in that regard. May God bless you all.
