Personal Advice

[ms.butler]

A little background information...I will be 28 next month and I have dated Sam off and on for 6 years. He and I live two hours apart. We have seen each other a lot, but not on a normal everyday basis. I say off and on again because we have a tendency to argue a lot. Most of this arguing stemmed from the frustrations of not being able to see each other like we wanted to and the fact that we decided to become sexually active. Yes, I know this was totally and completely wrong, and I resented him and myself for it for several years.

Moving on to today. James and I have been getting along wonderfully, after 6 years I think our maturity is finally kicking in lol. The problem is, he has been offered a job in Florida for a year. This is 20 hours away from where I live. I am torn on staying here with my family and amazing church, or moving with him. I know we are sexually active (and yes I know it is still wrong), but I will not live with him until we are married. I do not want to leave my grandparents, I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to them when I was so far away. They raised me and I am very close to them. I help them a lot by taking them shopping and to Dr. appointments. My grandpa's health is not the best, and I promised my grandma if something ever happened to him that she would come live with me. Also, I absolutely love my job. I finally found a good paying job which I enjoy going too. I love James though I do want to marry him...which would happen if I moved with him. I can't stand the thought of being away from him for an entire year. I know I have to get used to the fact that changes have to happen for life to move forward. I am just scared to make such a major life decision...and to be so far away from home .

 

[Luther073082]

Really, you are 28, if you are sure you want to marry him then you should probably do so. Moving that far isn't easy, but its something you sometimes have to do to move on with your life.

My wife moved 17 hours (by car) away from her family in FL.

I am concerned though as to where you two are in your spritual lives. You seem to know that pre-marital sex is wrong but not to care that much.

Also I don't know how prepared you are realistically for marriage. You are 28, and you've been with him for 6 years and you still havn't gotten married? Why is that? My wife and I got married after having been together less then 2 years and we are slightly younger then you.

Have you guys talked about how you will handle money, kids, religion and in-laws?

My urge is to tell you to marry him, but there are parts of your story that bother me and indicate that you may not be fully prepared to be married.

Perhaps you could operate long distance for a short time, perhaps a year while you get things together and plan the wedding. My entire relationship with my wife up until we got married was a long distance relationship. We would travel to see eachother approximatly once every 2 months.

 

[ms.butler]

Thanks for your reply. I absolutely do care that premarital sex is wrong. We have stopped that several times, and we start it back up again. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of. To be honest, that's one of the factors of wanting to just get married...then it wouldn't be sin anymore.

We have not gotten married because of the long distance thing, plus all the arguing we used to do. I was not sure I even wanted to marry him back then. I loved him back then, but we just couldn't seem to get along. We have talked about money, kids, religion, and in laws yes. We agree all these things, and we both believe the same ways spiritually.

I have come to the point where, we are either going to get married...or we are going to break up. I do not want to keep have premarital sex with him...again I know it's wrong. Yes, him being in Florida would solve that but it will start all over again eventually.

 

[Luther073082]

Thanks for your reply. I absolutely do care that premarital sex is wrong. We have stopped that several times, and we start it back up again. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of. To be honest, that's one of the factors of wanting to just get married...then it wouldn't be sin anymore.

Fair enough, although I wouldn't just stop trying. You probably will have to cut yourself off from situations which could lead to sex if that is what you need to do.

We have not gotten married because of the long distance thing, plus all the arguing we used to do. I was not sure I even wanted to marry him back then. I loved him back then, but we just couldn't seem to get along. We have talked about money, kids, religion, and in laws yes. We agree all these things, and we both believe the same ways spiritually.

Ok this is vital. . . how long has it been since you two regularly argued? Of course all couples are going to argue at times, but doing it in a consistant basis like that is a negative indicator. It could mean several things, there could be underlying issues that havn't been resolved, it could be power stuggles within the relationship, it could be immaturity on both your parts. . . As with any of these, none of them are good for a marriage.

The real question is if this has stopped and if the resolution has been acceptable for the both of you.

As to if you should get married, ultimatly only can decide that. Although I would tell you that if you arn't 100% certain that this is the one and only person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don't marry him. It would not be strange for one to be nervous about the prospect of marriage, it is a major committment. But if you have any nervousness about this particular person, its probably not a good idea.

 

[dayhiker]

I tend to think that quite a few people are nervous about the legal commitment to being married.

I think God already considers you guys married. No where in the Bible does it talk about signing a contract with the government to be married.

Ya, its a very had chioce you have to make. I wish you luck with it. I'm glad I don't have to make that dissicion.

dayhiker

 

[Monaleezza]

Don't just jump into marriage.

It doesn't sound as though this relationship has had very clear foundations. On and off for 6 years doesn't sound very positive, especially if you argue all the time.

Maybe think about staying behind and taking a break. Allow each other the freedom to walk away if the other one chooses.
If he's moving away it's the perfect time for him to make a proposal and ask you to join him. But he hasn't. That sounds like alarm bells to me.
Has he even asked for you to join him or was this your suggestion?

Don't uproot for something that isn't at least promised by proposal at the very least.
You'll be mad with yourself if you have to come back no better off.