Permanent Damage

[jwwells]

This is for people who have been survivors for a LONG time and who have read a lot on survivor's topics:

For me, I must assume the damage is permanent. There's been too much hate over too many years and frankly speaking, I will not live to see even the beginnings of real change: Actually including male victims or female offenders in any real way will not occur within the few years I have left to live.

For my own part, I find that saying 'the damage is permanent' frees me from great effort that makes no difference. I don't 'have' to fight the hate, Jesus will do that for me ... eventually.

I find that thinking like this allows me to overlook, for example, the Dr.-Phil and Oprah threads with women demanding that for male victims of female sex offenders, the victim-male must be punished. I know there are many many people of both sexes who think like that and I also know that such hate will not change in my lifetime.

Now, that sounds like giving up! For me, it is not. Rather, it is stating the obvious and working from there. It is taking the position Jesus took in saying "Father forgive them, they know not what they do."

Even talking THIS much, reading on this forum is painful and I really shouldn't be doing it, but I've spent a lifetime fighting and can't completely quit. I can say the damage is permanent and allow for it.

Do you find that this has meaning to you?

 

[restore]

I do not know your story,
but Mine is horrible and I m getting progress daily.
So i can not agree with u, this damage is not permanent.
a survivor will come to a winner due time.

Pls do not back to the corner which is FEAR.
Fear is the real block in this fighting process.

 

[jwwells]

I do not know your story,
but Mine is horrible and I m getting progress daily.
So i can not agree with u, this damage is not permanent.
a survivor will come to a winner due time.

Pls do not back to the corner which is FEAR.
Fear is the real block in this fighting process.

The short version of the story is: During the fight to get basic human rights for lone fathers I and 31 other men were attacked by women. These women wanted us to 'learn' how women feel. They killed one man. I was drugged and raped. My small children watched. I woke up three days later covered in vomit, feces and urine. What she did was, at best, common assault. (Women couldn't be charged with sex offenses against mere males.)

For me, the crime did not cause anywhere near as much damage as the hate which surrounded it and still surrounds the very concept of a hurting male.

I am male, you are female, we are DIFFERENT when it comes to how society sees us and how we are treated in society ... VERY different! We live in a society which has FAR more care and concern for murderous & rapist women than for any mere male.

Let us be straight up here, I will not live to see the first Pastor/Priest say that hurting male victim/survivors for fun & profit is wrong. I will not live to see that much progress towards decency or equality.

I will not live to see the Canadian Government spending money on male survivors or even telling the myriad female only programs that hating innocent men is wrong.

That is reality.

Picture yourself in the Georgia of the great depression. What do you say to a black man? He's not going to live to see decency, equality, mercy, kindness or rights. So? What do you say to him?

The ONLY thing you can say is "Find a way to live through it." The only thing I can do is find a way to stay alive.

My fellow Christians are not going to somehow wake up and allow Christ, decency or The Golden Rule to apply to me. Remember, the damage is caused by the THAT, not the crime itself! So, the damage is permanent. There is no way to get rid of it because there is no way to get rid of the hate.

( There's a fancy Latin name for this sin: The sin of The Church INTENDING to sin and the damage caused by it. )

So, what other choice do I have but to say "The damage is permanent" and then find a way to live through it?

 

[restore]

This woman not only stole your sexual purity, she robbed your dignity as well. There is even more than one evil invloved in this ---------I can understand your feeling. It is like the darkness overwhelming, It is like the end of the world.

I m living in a situation without any help or compassion , too.That is why I can only seek a little counsel from internet.
And finally after years, The lord came into my heart and life to enlighten me up step by step. This world is full of darkness, not only in sexual area, but also in different areas. Do not put your hope on Canadian government or anything, Put your eyes and hope on God. and leave your hands off leave your anxiety off. Let God do to u and heal u and exalt u.

U r now just trying to work a way to go through life. But due time u will get surprise that God will bless u much more than that..

Open heart .

 

[restore]

You r now only 53, do u want to stil living in pain when u r 72?

It is the time for u to start to fight the fight for yourself.

Just one day a step.......u will make a difference by 365 days

 

[chloeobrien]

jwwells I feel the damage is permanent also... i wish it wasn't but i feel it is so...

 

[restore]

jwwells I feel the damage is permanent also... i wish it wasn't but i feel it is so...

Love from higher will conquer all
Grace

 

[jwwells]

restore: This will be difficult for you to understand. Please stop and think it out from first principles.

Take the rape and what she did and put it onto a shelf: It is of no more importance than my cane or the fact that I have a tremor or the fact that I am photo-toxic. It is a thing, a part of my past.

The hurt comes from another source: The damage from another source.

I've asked/stated this before, many times ... I've never had a woman who was born & raised in any of the first world countries who could understand what I am saying, although women born and raised in second and third world countries mostly-have no trouble with it.

1: I do not want to be grabbed touched without my permission. I am barely on my feet and can easily be knocked down: Plus, I just plain do not like being touched by strange women. I say that and get no valid response. At "the peace" people still grab and hug ... the same at "welcome."

2: I must take in DUTY from all churches. There is no possibility of getting anything BUT DUTY from a Christian Church: No love, no kindness, no mercy, no anything except for DUTY! WELL! I've been the dutiful one, I have done the right thing as best as I am able. I reject the duty. It is sexist garbage and nothing more than open hatred of innocent men. YET! In rejecting the duty, I also must reject all first-world churches and Christian programs.

3: At churches and Christian programs I am EXPECTED to fund programs for women. I need help too, but no Church or Christian Ministry would dirty its hands helping a foul-disgusting mere-male! I reject and hold-in-absolute-contempt such thinking! But! Ah But! That is the ONLY thinking currently allowed in the mainline Church!

4: There exists in my area (SW Ontario) a few churches which preach contempt for women: I would NEVER expose my wife to such. NEVER! Why should I have to be exposed to contempt for men? Where are the women standing up and screaming "You cannot do that!" My wife says the same thing I do "They aren't in the Churches anymore."

I could go on for 50 pages, easily! Easily. It is all the same thing: "How can I forgive a sin that the sinner has no intention of stopping?" The sinner in this case IS THE CHURCH! Is the ordinary Christian in the pews. Is the leaders.

That is where the hurt comes from. That is where the damage comes from. The damage is permanent as there is no possibility of people agreeing to STOP CAUSING MORE DAMAGE!

There are a few of us men who were nearly killed in female offender rapes who talk online. None of us have ever seen any care or concern or decency or mercy or ... anything come from our society: Only blame and shame. HMPH! How can the damage be other than permanent?

Now, you say give it to Christ! The Cross of Christ is now so deeply buried under the heaps of garbage thrown my way that I can no longer see it. Oh, I'll continue throwing the trash his way, hoping I can hit somewhere close to the Cross. But, I am tired. I am worn out. I have little strength left to throw more garbage and it is piling up around me.

 

[restore]

I understand more than u know...

also, I feel u maybe developed PTSD , too, do u feel triggers oftenly? If so, for your health sake, pls google PTSD . This is seriously will damage the health through time.

same time, keep on talking to male survivors and pray for other healing methods.

Remember, church leaders still not God. Your abuse is spiritual abuse now.
http://www.spiritualabuse.com/

 

[chloeobrien]

yeah she is right you could have PTSD I been dr diagnosed already with it.

 

[jwwells]

Oh I am well aware of PTSD and that I have it. I have not shown it here, nor have I shown depression.

THIS is the point!

How can I forgive a sin the sinner has no intention of stopping?

We're facing a translation difficulty of massive size and scope here and I do not know how to get around it! That just leaves me feeling WORSE.

 

[restore]

U mean the english language difficulty or the unspoken inner pain?

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

How can I forgive a sin the sinner has no intention of stopping?

By forgiving it and closing the door firmly in the sinner's face at the same time. Sometimes it is time to walk away from others -- permanently. Sometimes it is time to say "this is a source of toxin in my life and I won't expose myself to it any more." Sometimes it is OK to say "I forgive you but I can no longer be healthy having a relationship with you; we must go our separate ways." I don't care WHO it is -- spouse, betrothed, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, MOTHER OR FATHER EVEN. Sometimes, yes, it really IS about YOU and that is NOT being "selfish" but being realistic. Look at it this way: if you continue to allow someone else to destroy you, there will be no good you left to have love and care and things to give others in your life.

When you take care of yourself by eliminating toxic relationships from your sphere of existence, you preserve what is good about you so that you may have it to share and bestow on others in the future, and that is NOT selfish and NOT wrong.

 

[BelindaP]

You are in a difficult situation, having been victimized in a way that is considered to be an area where only women suffer. To compound the pain, you were victimized by a 'mere' woman, which brings up all manner of condemnations from society. Now you are being victimized by the bigotry and ignorance of society at large.

The thing is that there are many women who know what you're going through. Until very recently in the U.S., the only women who got raped were 'bad girls'. Actually, that stigma persists, but nowhere to the degree that it used to. So, a woman was victimized and hurt by the crime and then more so by the bigotry and ignorance of society.

Very often victims of rape are told to 'get over it already'. People don't understand why they don't like to be touched or why they are reluctant to open up to others. With you, it's got to be even worse because of the societal expectations of men.

I do want to say that the damage can be permanent. Some people never get over it, especially when there are no support systems to help them. Please let us help you where we can.

 

[jwwells]

You are in a difficult situation, having been victimized in a way that is considered to be an area where only women suffer. To compound the pain, you were victimized by a 'mere' woman, which brings up all manner of condemnations from society. Now you are being victimized by the bigotry and ignorance of society at large.

The thing is that there are many women who know what you're going through. Until very recently in the U.S., the only women who got raped were 'bad girls'. Actually, that stigma persists, but nowhere to the degree that it used to. So, a woman was victimized and hurt by the crime and then more so by the bigotry and ignorance of society.

Very often victims of rape are told to 'get over it already'. People don't understand why they don't like to be touched or why they are reluctant to open up to others. With you, it's got to be even worse because of the societal expectations of men.

I do want to say that the damage can be permanent. Some people never get over it, especially when there are no support systems to help them. Please let us help you where we can.

At last! Someone almost gets it!

The sinner I mentioned is Society and the Church. To withdraw from the sinner as some say is to withdraw from almost EVERYONE! Which is just not possible.

For me, the problem is compounded as I was a lone father and advocated for lone fathers. My kids nearly starved so that people could rejoice in starving the children of lone fathers, something that still happens after all those years of hard work. The problem was further compounded as I have anorexia (now controlled) and men are not human enough to deserve treatment for anorexia.

As I type this my wife is telling me about her mother's boyfriend, (my wife spent more than an hour talking with him last night). A woman tried to kill him, arson. SHE, who has a conviction for child rape, has children in her custody. She nearly kills a man and nothing is done.

THAT! That defines our society. It is WHO the people in our society are!

How can I withdraw from almost EVERYONE? How can I forgive a sin that the sinner has no intentions of stopping?

I like to chat on the 'net. I love Christianity. So, I am here. I am also, obviously given my past, VERY sensitive to misandry. BUT! AH BUT! Misandry is the norm, it is a normal part of gendered conversation. I cannot stop all spewing of contempt for men, I'd be doing nothing else and even then couldn't get even 10% of it. So? What do I do? No one is going to stand up and protect me, right? So? What do I do?

Problem, right?

How do I forgive a sin that the sinner has no intentions of stopping?

When do I get to be the human being?

When do I get to be the child of Christ?

 

[restore]

Brother, after all, we all r fighting an authority in the air which is unseen, invisible.
If we r not weaponed by Godly strength, of course we can never find a clue.
So, it is the time, it is the calling for u to start to seek strength from God again.

 

[restore]

THAT! That defines our society. It is WHO the people in our society are!

How can I withdraw from almost EVERYONE? How can I forgive a sin that the sinner has no intentions of stopping?

No one is going to stand up and protect me, right? So? What do I do?

How do I forgive a sin that the sinner has no intentions of stopping?

When do I get to be the human being?

When do I get to be the child of Christ?

You r not alone, a lot people r suffering from this "ban"from the society. I m a female survivor still been banned from my family system and most of the friends. and in my culture a woman survivor is always and been condemned still.

I want to encourage u to read some posts on abuse survivor forum.
U need to find back your inner hero, let your inner hero to fight for u. And this inner hero will slowly grow .

http://foru.ms/showthread.php?p=39044412#post39044412

 

[Ceili]

No,I won't agree the damage is permanent because I have been given too much good in my life and there's happiness,love,family,career and of course I have a Lord that loves me and you do too. The damage is something that takes the brightness out of things momentarily but these things take time and realization in getting proper help. I'm only beginning to seek the best of counseling.I am going through a person I trust and a church I trust. It's not the total answer but it opens a door that I need opened to build myself back up. Can you agree that nothing is permanent? Don't allow it to be.

 

[GodslovesavedJen]

Hello,
I do agree with you that the damage can be permanent. However, realize that we have an all powerful God and when people around you hurt you and when you have no support from the people around you, God will find a way. If you seek him, his comfort, and his guidance and love, he will heal you. He may choose to heal you in a different way from how people assume is the 'only' way, but our God is creative and he will find a way. There is permanent damage when it comes to things like this, but God will heal you! And he will use what has happened to you for the greater good. God spoke to me when I asked him why this happened to me. He told me that he had no intentions for it to happen, but it's the result of a fallen world. He told me that now he is healing me and it hurts more than anything in the world. If you lean on the God of all power you will see that he will do some great things!