PAST LOVE

[Idontknow19]

I have been married for almost 11 years (my second his third). Our relationship is full of real highs and real lows and because he was so sexual, that is what kept us together. My husband had an addiction for eight years to websites and craigslist and contacted countless women. He even spent a week with a girlfriend in another state while we were engaged (and living together). He has messaged them, sent pictures and even propositioned women when I knew he had met them first. I spoke with this woman and she said she was shocked (she was trying to buy a car from him) and thought he had done this (affairs) many times before. Even on our honeymoon, he admitted to lying about so many women and had so many pictures of actual women on his phone. Every three months or so, I would get his phone and work with it until I found his new email address or website he was meeting women on. Over and over I was hurt but for whatever reason could not leave him. Also I have always supported us as he has about six jobs a year. So to begin with we were super sexed for several years. However the past two years we have been together like three times. He has back pain and I have had several health problems causing me to be out of work. While my husband had many many women before me, I did not. After separating from my first husband after 20 years, I had a short relationship until the man moved with his job. Two weeks later, I met my current husband, nine months later we were married. Now my husband is “an open book” he doesn’t get on the computer or go out and gives me his phone anytime I want. He said he prayed and God had delivered him from his need for other women. I’ve not seen anything suspicious for two years. Now I have been speaking with the man I saw before my husband and I was in love with him and would have married him if he hadn’t moved. We are much older now (50s60s) and the feelings are still there. I knew I never put that relationship to rest and I’ve always known that I really love both men. Now my husband and I get along very well and are very loving tho not sexual. I’M SLIPPING... suddenly I really want to see my old love and I get excited when he texts (he is not married but still lives in a different state). For some reason, I don’t care if it hurts my husband. A big part of me feels like he would just be getting a little taste of the many many times he spoke with other women (he says never an actual sexual affair but I don’t know). I know I can’t leave now with the lost love but I still want to see him. I know everyone will say “lose his number, delete all information” but it is all still in my mind and heart. We go to church and I’m not ready and may never be to talk with a pastor or Christian counselor as we did that so many times about his affairs. I feel like if I saw this old love, he would let me down and I could be with my husband without the thoughts of the past. It was a relationship never finished and I’ve not been able to let it go for 12 years.