Past infidelity, depression, and more

[Phoenix70]

My husband has expressed his desire to end our marriage. About 18 years ago he had an emotional affair with someone and it devastated me. We didn’t get marriage counseling for it until about 8 years afterwards. I spent a lot of time in pain with him begging me to let it go before we went to counseling. We had 10 sessions of marriage counseling and I was optimistic I could go on and let it go. I found myself experiencing doubts, still feeling the pain of it, and questioning myself as a woman and whether or not he really desired me. My self esteem was blown and I didn’t know how devastated I was and how much I needed more help than what we’d gotten together. I was ignorant of what I really needed, but I knew that I loved him and wanted out marriage to work. I tried to move forward, not understanding that I really couldn’t because my heart and mind weren’t prepared. I spent the next few years lashing out at him, not trusting him, and our sex life suffered. There were other instances that led me to question his faithfulness (i.e. him privately contacting women on FB messenger and giving them his work cell to call). Then I had an emotional breakdown due to severe pressure and mistreatment at work and fell into depression; where I’ve been for the past 6 years. On top of that I began having female issues and was always on my period which impacted our ability to be intimate and had some other issues that made sex painful. My depression caused me to withdraw more from him, we’ve disagreed on how to raise our daughter in bad arguments. About a month ago I realized I needed to make some life altering changes to be better. I was tired of being depressed and letting it affect my relationships, so I started talking to him about making changes to build up to the big talk about my problems and me decision to get help. I was afraid to tell him part of my problem was the old pain and the things he’d done to make me mistrust him because I knew he would get angry that this is still an issue after so long, so I delayed this talk. Ive since made some some positive changes to remove some of the stressors and discussed them with him. We were talking about how good life would be to see these things happen, but I still needed to share the reason for these changes and have the big talk. By the time I went to talk with him he said he is done trying to prove that he’s dedicated to me and done with me lashing out at him and done with not having intimate relations very often and thinking he doesn’t matter. He says I have brought him to a place where he doesn’t know himself anymore and he doesn’t trust me to change. I have expressed my sincere apology, explained that my mental health prevented me from seeing him, that my physical health contributed to the lack of physical intimacy, and that it’s not fair to hold me accountable for the things I wasn’t able to do due to my depression and physical health issues. I also pointed out that my pain from his transgressions is a problem because I found in my research of ways to help myself, I found that I never got the help I needed to properly heal. He agreed to counseling and seemed to be softening to me but then went fishing with his best friend and came back hardened and stuck to his position of “saving himself”. So now it appears counseling is simply to show me he’s done the work, not to actually work it out. Please pray that God will intervene in his heart and that we can reconcile. He is my heart and soul and I would be lost without him, my dreams have always been us growing old together and I need him. Further, I know this would devastate our very sensitive child.

 

[Jeshu]

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Show him how much you love him let nothing stand in the way. Even if he rejects you at least you told him the truth. Maybe the seeds of your love and truth might win him back yet.

Praying God protect you and your husband and reunite you in His loving truth.

 

[Phoenix70]

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Show him how much you love him let nothing stand in the way. Even if he rejects you at least you told him the truth. Maybe the seeds of your love and truth might win him back yet.

Praying God protect you and your husband and reunite you in His loving truth.

Thank you for the prayers. I’ve not given up on us and I pray that I can give him the space he needs while also working on myself and taking steps to show him I can get better by getting the help I need and developing healthy habits and applying them daily.

 

[Phoenix70]

I think the thing that hurts most is his refusal to believe my pain from his infidelity and transgressions play any part in where we are. He’s running away from me without giving me the same chance I gave him.

 

[Jeshu]

I think the thing that hurts most is his refusal to believe my pain from his infidelity and transgressions play any part in where we are. He’s running away from me without giving me the same chance I gave him.

Indeed this is true, but you do need to take into consideration that it is very difficult to face someone who hasn't forgiven you nor trusts you any more. Then we don't feel loved. This makes your case complex, because you have both transgressed love between you and satan loves using that against your relationship now.

i think if you go to God and lay all your hurt feelings about his unfaithfulness before Him and ask for a gracious heart in return then maybe you can get over your hurdle to love him rightly and breach the gap that has grown between the two of you. Then even if if he does walk away from you you will then still know that God's forgiveness rules in your heart and you can protect your own heart with His loving truth letting go of him walking away from you.

This is the main reason that God tells us not to be unfaithful to our marriage vows. To prevent the situation you find yourself in now. Where good life between you two has been turning to bad life instead because your husband put bad life into your life sinning against you and you went to work with that bad life and didn't bring it to Christ to undo. Now is the time to let Jesus change that process even if it is only in your own heart.

i hope i didn't upset you saying this.

Peace.

 

[Phoenix70]

Indeed this is true, but you do need to take into consideration that it is very difficult to face someone who hasn't forgiven you nor trusts you any more. Then we don't feel loved. This makes your case complex, because you have both transgressed love between you and satan loves using that against your relationship now.

i think if you go to God and lay all your hurt feelings about his unfaithfulness before Him and ask for a gracious heart in return then maybe you can get over your hurdle to love him rightly and breach the gap that has grown between the two of you. Then even if if he does walk away from you you will then still know that God's forgiveness rules in your heart and you can protect your own heart with His loving truth letting go of him walking away from you.

This is the main reason that God tells us not to be unfaithful to our marriage vows. To prevent the situation you find yourself in now. Where good life between you two has been turning to bad life instead because your husband put bad life into your life sinning against you and you went to work with that bad life and didn't bring it to Christ to undo. Now is the time to let Jesus change that process even if it is only in your own heart.

i hope i didn't upset you saying this.

Peace.

You are right. We both transgressed our love for one another. I am working on myself and have let him know I am there to help him through his pain. We both need to heal and help each other. My fear is that he has lost the will to do it. We met with our pastor yesterday and he said he sees a glimmer of light in the direction away from me. It drove a stake through my heart to hear this. But, I immediately thought that he doesn’t realize that I have left my dark place and am waiting for him in the light that he sees from his dark place. I feel it’s time for something new and different and have hope we can salvage our marriage. Our pastor said we owe God a return on His investment in us. My prayer is that God will soften his heart, heal our wounds and minds, help us heal our marriage, and give him the extra wind he needs to get back in the race with me. Please keep us in your prayers.

 

[Heavyheart76]

My husband has expressed his desire to end our marriage. About 18 years ago he had an emotional affair with someone and it devastated me. We didn’t get marriage counseling for it until about 8 years afterwards. I spent a lot of time in pain with him begging me to let it go before we went to counseling. We had 10 sessions of marriage counseling and I was optimistic I could go on and let it go. I found myself experiencing doubts, still feeling the pain of it, and questioning myself as a woman and whether or not he really desired me. My self esteem was blown and I didn’t know how devastated I was and how much I needed more help than what we’d gotten together. I was ignorant of what I really needed, but I knew that I loved him and wanted out marriage to work. I tried to move forward, not understanding that I really couldn’t because my heart and mind weren’t prepared. I spent the next few years lashing out at him, not trusting him, and our sex life suffered. There were other instances that led me to question his faithfulness (i.e. him privately contacting women on FB messenger and giving them his work cell to call). Then I had an emotional breakdown due to severe pressure and mistreatment at work and fell into depression; where I’ve been for the past 6 years. On top of that I began having female issues and was always on my period which impacted our ability to be intimate and had some other issues that made sex painful. My depression caused me to withdraw more from him, we’ve disagreed on how to raise our daughter in bad arguments. About a month ago I realized I needed to make some life altering changes to be better. I was tired of being depressed and letting it affect my relationships, so I started talking to him about making changes to build up to the big talk about my problems and me decision to get help. I was afraid to tell him part of my problem was the old pain and the things he’d done to make me mistrust him because I knew he would get angry that this is still an issue after so long, so I delayed this talk. Ive since made some some positive changes to remove some of the stressors and discussed them with him. We were talking about how good life would be to see these things happen, but I still needed to share the reason for these changes and have the big talk. By the time I went to talk with him he said he is done trying to prove that he’s dedicated to me and done with me lashing out at him and done with not having intimate relations very often and thinking he doesn’t matter. He says I have brought him to a place where he doesn’t know himself anymore and he doesn’t trust me to change. I have expressed my sincere apology, explained that my mental health prevented me from seeing him, that my physical health contributed to the lack of physical intimacy, and that it’s not fair to hold me accountable for the things I wasn’t able to do due to my depression and physical health issues. I also pointed out that my pain from his transgressions is a problem because I found in my research of ways to help myself, I found that I never got the help I needed to properly heal. He agreed to counseling and seemed to be softening to me but then went fishing with his best friend and came back hardened and stuck to his position of “saving himself”. So now it appears counseling is simply to show me he’s done the work, not to actually work it out. Please pray that God will intervene in his heart and that we can reconcile. He is my heart and soul and I would be lost without him, my dreams have always been us growing old together and I need him. Further, I know this would devastate our very sensitive child.