past desire

[masonjme]

I would appreciate some christian advice on a problem I am having in my marriage.

I have been married for almost six years now. In the beginning before we got married, we had a good relationship, but over time It has not been that great. We fight a lot, and I don't feel all that attracted to my spouse any more. I think our marriage started going down hill when we had kids.

We used to have intimacy often, but now I swear it's more like once a month. She never initiates, and I have gotten sick of being the only one to offer affection, and half the time be rejected. So I just stopped trying.

I feel there is little more I can do, she is offended anytime I suggest we go to marital counseling of any kind. She is easily offended, and just down right negative, and it is starting to brush off onto me.

Fast forward to last week. I was a groomsman at my sisters wedding. One of the bridesmaids was an old friend. years back before I met my wife, her and I almost hit it off. I have had feelings in my head for her off and on for the past few years. Anyway she was very flirtatious at the wedding and the rehersal, and now I have a huge crush on her, and I can't get her out of my head.

What on earth do I do?

 

[jshanks3]

I think your 'crush' on this other women is nothing but your emotions trying to fill your unmet needs of love, desire, and intamacy.

Refocus your heart and mind on your wife.

Right now, you can probably list all of your needs that she isn't meeting, and how often she isn't meeting them. Think selflessly. She may feel the same way, not because she doesn't love you, but she may also have unmet needs. If you start doing this, you may not get your desired response right away, but be persistant and consitant with her needs and she'll come around! Remember that your not being 'selfless' so she'll meet your needs (because that's selfish and will lead to resentment) your doing it because you love her and you want and need the marriage to work.

I read a book called 'Every Womans Desire' (Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker) that really opened my eyes to meeting my wifes needs, focusing on her, and trusting that she will meet my needs.

It's amazing the way God can turn a relationship around when we listen to his words! Love your wife (and all her needs) at least as much as you love yourself (and are aware of your own needs).

Also - Have you asked her recently what she really needs that she isn't getting from you?

God Bless!

PS I don't know you or your wife, so take what applies to heart and please don't be offened by what doesn't

 

[Tangnefedd]

It sounds as if you both need counselling, which is hard if your wife refuses to do this. As for the woman flirting with you at this wedding, please don't even go there, that is a complication you don't need.

Has something happened in your relationship with your wife which has caused it to be strained? Has there been a traumatic life event? Is there someone you can confide in who can talk to your wife, someone she also trusts? I really think you need to talk to each other. leave no stone unturned in trying to get your marriage back on track before looking at the alternatives.

 

[Jenna]

I think that jshanks3 has it right, as far as a way to proceed.

Forget the crush, honestly. It isn't worth the headache, especially not if you were to get involved with this woman and destroyed your marriage, only to find out that the same type of problem has followed you to another relationship.

Men and women have a tendancy to pull apart when their needs aren't being met, even though in doing so, they further the separation. It takes a strong person to love a seemingly unresponsive person as they should. However, it is amazing how much I've seen change by doing just that. You might very well be left in awe at the wonders that can happen when you choose to love your wife and honor your comittment via your love for the Lord. The book "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado has helped me tremendously. I was in a situation similar to yours, and it helped me to understand that the Lord could easily meet my needs for love if I would let him, and that being full on His love would give me the "fuel" to love others as they need. In return, I've been greatly blessed by looking to what I can do for others, instead of looking at what I feel they aren't doing for me.

*hugs*

 

[Svt4Him]

Go get help, because you are going down a road that leads to death. An affair doesn't happen when you sleep with another, it happens a while before this when you start to justify why you can sleep with another, and you are starting to do this.

And with all my empathy, it's a bad road to travel, and the hurt lasts a long time. But to do nothing will solve nothing. Don't wait for your wife to change, you start changing first.

PS. This sounds like the exact situation I was in, and from personal experience, I would rather be dead then travel where I traveled again.

 

[desi]

Don't cheat, its never worth it. Go to your pastor or a trustworthy married Christian friend who knows you for advice.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Agreed, run, run, run away from that woman. It's a poor statement about her character that she was flirting with a married man. It's very easy for anyone to look at someone other than our own spouse's and think "if only." But it's not a fair comparison. You don't see the times when your crush is moody, distant, or disinterested in sex. The more you think about her the more you will falsely build her up in your mind. Resist the devil and he will flee. You can get this woman out of your head.

2 Cor 10:5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,

You can take those thoughts captive. Force them out. Tell them you refuse to entertain them any more. If your struggle, redirect your thoughts in this manner:

Philip 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

That's my best advice. That, and pray daily and openly with your wife.

 

[DaveKerwin]

stay away from that other woman, stay far, do not talk to her!

get real with your wife, tell her in more detail how he lack of affection is causing you problems. set apart time to talk to her. it would help if you made her feel special once in a while, get with it!

 

[cjba]

Marriage is something to be honored. You were given the gift of this woman that is now your wife. She sounds like she has some hurt in her. We don't have on and off switches that get us in a deeper relationship with our spouse. This is something that is developed over time. You and your wife need to take a step back and search for what lead you both onto this new path. Children do change the marriage, now you have someone else that needs your attention and love. Many woman change after they have children. Many are never the same person they were before. However, part of what you had seen in her is still there. Maybe buried underneath all the new responsibilties that come from being a parent. Not to say that you don't see the change in you; you handled it different. Do you help her out with the kids? Take time to get a sitter and make a date with your wife. Get to know her again and she will do the same. You'll both discover a piece of the past that brought you together and part of the new that can guide you in the right direction. I hope that you both will take the time to communciate. She may not want to go to counseling but you can start on your own. She will see how commited you are in loving her and making this marriage succeed. Remember this is not only what you two will get out of it; think how blessed your children will be with mom and dad. Help your wife get more positive. People that are negative have learned to be negative. Help her learn to be positive. God Bless

 

[desi]

Mason, I know how women can go from blessing to curse to blessing to more of a curse. You have to use restraint and tact. You have to notice what works to make her happy and use it as much as you can. Notice what topics/situations settle her down and which ones make her happy and 'work with it'. Husband in this day and age has to be emotionally intelligent as well as fiscally smart to keep his family on the right track. It isn't fair, but that's the way it is.

 

[brokenbananas]

I agree with the others. Run, run, run away from the woman. Run to God. Even if your wife does not want to go to Christian counseling, you could go. Maybe the counselor can teach you how to communicate with your wife. Pray for your wife. You are the head of the household, so you need to take a stand for your marriage. Satan is working hard to attack and destroy marriages and you must FIGHT for it.

My husband early in our marriage suggested counseling and because there were so many hurts in my life, I was originally unwilling to go. He prayed for me...for us and went to counseling. As I saw him go over the months, I broke down and went. We've been going over the past 2.5+ yrs and our marriage has improved greatly. However, it's still not easy and we face other challenges. FIGHT for your marriage. God can turn it around.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I think your 'crush' on this other women is nothing but your emotions trying to fill your unmet needs of love, desire, and intamacy.

Refocus your heart and mind on your wife.

Right now, you can probably list all of your needs that she isn't meeting, and how often she isn't meeting them. Think selflessly. She may feel the same way, not because she doesn't love you, but she may also have unmet needs. If you start doing this, you may not get your desired response right away, but be persistant and consitant with her needs and she'll come around! Remember that your not being 'selfless' so she'll meet your needs (because that's selfish and will lead to resentment) your doing it because you love her and you want and need the marriage to work.

I read a book called 'Every Womans Desire' (Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker) that really opened my eyes to meeting my wifes needs, focusing on her, and trusting that she will meet my needs.

It's amazing the way God can turn a relationship around when we listen to his words! Love your wife (and all her needs) at least as much as you love yourself (and are aware of your own needs).

Also - Have you asked her recently what she really needs that she isn't getting from you?

God Bless!

PS I don't know you or your wife, so take what applies to heart and please don't be offened by what doesn't

This is very good advice!!!!!!!

 

[Jaywalk]

She never initiates, and I have gotten sick of being the only one to offer affection, and half the time be rejected. So I just stopped trying.

Oh. Big mistake number one; never stop trying. But you're probably going about it wrong. The first thing you need to do is to find out what it is she needs/wants from you. If she's giving you the cold shoulder, then there is probably some need she feels isn't being met. And she might not even be aware what it is. That doesn't matter; you have to figure it out and make sure she gets what she needs.

I'm not in your situation, but I can share what helped for me. One of the most common complaints is that men aren't "romantic" enough, and that was a problem my wife had with me. What I eventually did was get a copy of 1001 Ways to be Romantic. I never told her I got it, and I hid the book. Every so often I'd flip through and find something that caught my fancy and I thought might catch hers; then I went and did it. Suddenly I'm her Romantic Hero and stuff starts getting much better. She still doesn't know I have that book.

As for the other woman, forget her. Any imagined relationship you might have with her is only a fantasy; a day flirting is nowhere near the magnitude of a marriage. If you want to salvage your reality, you need to discard the fantasy.