Parents

[Skaloop]

Is it immoral or unethical to not love one's parents? Surely, if a child is beaten and abused and treated poorly by his parents, then we would not necessarily expect him to love them. On the other hand, people who were vicitms of parental abuse still sometimes say "I love them; they're still my parents, after all." Is there a line where not loving your parents is reasonable?

What about in situations where the parents did a good job of raising their child? What if that child, once grown, realizes that he does not care for one or both of his parents? He appreciates what they did for him, but does not enjoy their company or conversation. What if he further realizes that he actually hates a parent, as a person, and would not have anything to do with them were it not for that fact that they were related? Is this grown child under any moral obligation to perpetutate a loving relationship where none exists?

 

[shadowmage36]

I don't think we're under a moral obligation, no. I do think that we have the obligation to at least be civil, however.

 

[CSmrw]

You can't love who you don't love.

 

[Saeph]

I agree with the two users above me. But I think you should always respect (not love if you're not able to do so) your parents because they have done various things for you, you yourself hadn't been able to do.

If a child was beaten and abused this doesn't apply of course.

You can't love who you don't love.

Well spoken.

 

[CSmrw]

I believe abuse breaks all social contracts.

 

[jayem]

It all depends on the context. You mention someone not enjoying their parent's company. Does the parent make demeaning or insulting statements, or behave inappropriately? One might be quite justified in intensely disliking this. But is the parent demented, or mentally ill? Even if you abhor their actions, you might have an obligation to help them recieve medical care. Each circumstance is different. And you mention someone hating their parent. What did the parent do to cause such estrangement? Some actions deserve breaking off contact.

I don't think there is any absolute obligation to love anyone, unconditionally. But you may have familial responsibilities to provide support and care, even for someone you dislike. And in general, I think it's quite unhealthy to hold on to hatred. I'm not a religious person at all, but I think forgiveness is a virtue. Not so much for whoever has wronged you, but for your own mental health.

 

[Texas Lynn]

We should love abusive parents in the sense we should love everybody. But the obligation stops there. No particular action is required. Cut off all ties if you wish and love them from a distance. Don't fall for any "if you love me..." type statements. Same with children and so forth. For those having trouble dealing with such things, consider counseling.

 

[metherion]

Your parents are human beings, and should be treated with all respect due another member of the human reace. Beyond that, you aren't obligated to treat them in any specific fashion, or be extra nice to them, or anything.

 

[TuxThePenguin]

It reminds me of a passage in "Job: A comedy of justice" by Robert Heinlein where the protagonist "Alex" is talking about his parents explaining that he honors them as is ordered in the bible (giving the example of always sending them cards on their birthdays ) without really loving them.

I don't think its a moral requirement to love ones parents however I love mine.

It reminds me that I havent read either 'Job' or 'stranger in a strange land' for years. I guess I should dust them off.

Grok that.

 

[TooCurious]

We love friends and romantic partners because of who these people are as individuals, and how they make us feel and how they relate to our own lives. This, to me, is what love means--a specific and strong affection, appreciation, and respect for another person as an individual. I don't think family, who we do not choose, should have different criteria applied to them. If a parent or family member is a person who you can respect and appreciate based on his or her individual qualities, and if those qualities inspire affection in you, then you love him/her and that's legitimate. If the person's qualities do not inspire affection, appreciation, or respect in you, then you should not be under any sort of obligation to "love him/her anyway" simply because you have a blood-relationship to him/her. Love is something you either feel, or you don't, as CSmrw eloquently said. It's nonsensical to say that a person is obligated to feel a certain way about another person. We may be obligated to behave in a certain fashion (such as treating a person with respect), but we cannot be obligated to feel anything.

 

[cobaltburrito]

I'm inclined to say that there is no moral obligation to love your parents.
Respect them, yes.
Maybe it's just my own personal experience, but the love I had for my mother was used to manipulate me into harmful familial situations.
That's not to say I don't appreciate her contribution to my being, just that at one point she changed from my mother, with all of its emotional connotations, to simply the being which gave birth to me.

Is this grown child under any moral obligation to perpetutate a loving relationship where none exists?

So I guess my reponse to your query would have to be a resounding no.

 

[Harlan Norris]

Is it immoral or unethical to not love one's parents? Surely, if a child is beaten and abused and treated poorly by his parents, then we would not necessarily expect him to love them. On the other hand, people who were vicitms of parental abuse still sometimes say "I love them; they're still my parents, after all." Is there a line where not loving your parents is reasonable?

What about in situations where the parents did a good job of raising their child? What if that child, once grown, realizes that he does not care for one or both of his parents? He appreciates what they did for him, but does not enjoy their company or conversation. What if he further realizes that he actually hates a parent, as a person, and would not have anything to do with them were it not for that fact that they were related? Is this grown child under any moral obligation to perpetutate a loving relationship where none exists?

It has occoured to me that love comes unbidden,and stays against all reason.Like, however, is another thing.There are qualifications for liking someone.We all know people that we don't like.They are just not up to snuff,one way or another,so we don't like them.Or just as likely we find that in the presence of these individuals we don't like,we feel that we are not up to snuff.Therefore being around them is uncomfortable.Love on the other hand has no such requirement.Some have lived through a brutal childhood and yet still love and need their parents,who cause them only pain.Parents love and need children that frankly couldn't care less,and are abusive...I'm curious.What's going on?Is this something you are dealing with? Are you trying to figure out whether or not you can in all good conscience abandon or disown your parents?I have to say no.No you cannot.You will live to regret it.I didn't have a good relationship with my parents.Reasons why aren't as important as what was done by me.Now that they are gone, I realise that there were so many times that I could have reached out to them.Done things for them.Suffered their behavior and attitude with more grace or compassion.It might have made a difference.Even if it didn't though,I would now be glad that I had done these things,rather than holding them accountable, for all their transgressions.Real or imagined.I advise one who askes this question,to tough it out.Take it on the chin.Turn the other cheek.It won't kill you,and you'll one day be glad you did.

 

[CSmrw]

It['s funny, but I feel almost exactly the opposite about love and friendship. I like my wife, but I don't always love her. In fact I have form time to time hated her. Not for long, but for long enough. But it's the underlying idea that our friendship is always there that keeps me coming back for the love. I have always had friends that bugged me form time to time, asnd sometimes me and kmy friends came to blows. I never loved them, really. I like dthem, and that feeling sort of held the relationshiips together when I also wanted to break their braincases over my elbow.

I never got around to hating any of my family but my grandmother, but I don't apologize for it. She has it coming. I also don't like her very much. I do feel lthe obligation to treat her better than she treated me, mainly for the sake of the family I do love and like. If they all moved to uranus and left me and her on earth, I would have nothing to do with her.

My dad certainly deserved some hate, but he also left just enough of his good side with me I couldn't really get down to it for long. He was a mess and I actually felt horrible for him. I liked him OK, though, and tried to be respectful... yet I suspect maybe that was why he never came around toward the end of his life. He was mortally ashamed, I think, and he WANTED us kids to rip into him. Take him to task so he could apologize or explain or somehow come to terms. But we wouldn't do it...out of respect. How ironic is that, if true? When he finally did break down he could barely talk or think. What a waste of a life. Alcohol kills bad, folks. Ugly bad. painful bad.

 

[Merlin]

It is appropriate to love and to forgive.