parents, wedding, moeny

[ardeur]

Since my boyfriend and I started dating, my mom has been stressing about how much a wedding would cost her and my dad. She is always reminding me that she hopes we don't get married any time soon because she certainly doesn't have the money for a wedding. She has recently started telling me that she'll only pay for my bridal outfit, but the rest of the wedding I will have to pay for. And most recently she's been telling me that they will not be paying for anything at all because it's an old tradition that they don't want to follow.

Good grief! We're not even engaged or discussing a wedding amongst ourselves. Why does she keep reminding me, over and over, that they will not be paying for a wedding? She keeps telling us that we should just go to Vegas and not bother with a dress or wedding rings.

I'm ok with them not paying, but her bringing it up over and over is really starting to hurt my feelings. It's like all she cares about is money issues and not the fact that her eldest daughter may be getting married in a year. :-(

 

[miss_klara]

Wow. That's pretty extreme.

My Dad recently googled the 'who pays for what' rules - traditionally the bride's parents pay for most of the wedding, but in the 'modern' wedding, the bride and groom do pay for most, with both sets of parents equally splitting the rest.

My Mum keeps bringing up a family friend who just got married, and she and her husband are both accountants and paid for the whole thing themselves, and isn't that great? Lol...

As for making it about the money.... maybe her little defence mechanism in dealing with having a child get married (not that it's a bad thing, but an incredibly emotional time for some parents) is to focus on the logical side of things, than actually thinking a good deal about the fact that her daughter is getting married... This may be it, or she may be completely free of emotion in this scenario. But maybe talk to her about it, next time she brings up the money thing, say "Money aside, how do you actually feel about the possibility of me being married in the not-too-distant future??"

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

ALot of factors are involved...age, income, etc...
my parents havent said ANYTHING about this, and I dont want to bring it up yet...I'll wait til I'm officially engaged...either way, me and my boyfriend are planning as if we will get very little help, which is why we are waiting 2 years!

 

[Mskedi]

Can't you just tell your mom you'll be paying for all of it yourselves so she doesn't have to worry?

That way, when the time comes around, if she feels generous, that's great, and if not, you'll all prepared for it.

 

[Blank123]

like the others said talk to your mom about it especially since it is becoming an issue for you. She may not even be aware of how its bothering you to hear it all the time.

If its something she's that concerned about then i'd just tell her that you're not even talking about marriage right now and that you are okay with them not paying or only chipping in where they feel comfortable and then make an agreement that you are not going to discuss wedding issues until there is an actual wedding to discuss.

 

[Monaleezza]

She's probably really embarrassed that he eldest daughter is marrying and she can't afford to contribute and so she's trying to convince you that it's not necessary in modern society for her to do so.

Don't concern yourself with it. She's seems to have come to terms with you marrying if she's already talking about the practicalities.
If she was anti your getting married or making it difficult then that would be a problem.

Confirm to your mother that you're not considering marriage just yet, but if and when you do you're financially secure. But leave the window open so that she doesn't feel too pushed out. (Especially if your other half's family are contributing)

Suggest maybe she give you your Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue!
They don't have to be expensive and that way she can still be part of your special day without the possible guilt of not being able to fund it.

 

[Tenorvoice]

I find this to be an intersting discussion. (me will have to go out and look fer himself).

I feel bad fer ya with yer mom acting this way, I can only wonder what my SO's parents are going through with 4 of their 5 daughters being married in the last 4 years. (the last one "hopefully, and prayfully" will be my bride next year)

/me sits back to watch the rest of the discussion

 

[klynnmiller]

My parents are contributing....nothing. The same amount that his parents are contributing, so it's all on our own. But a wedding can be done fairly inexpensively if done right.

It's too bad that your mom is being so negative about the whole thing. Try re-assuring her that you love her and are not planning a wedding yet anyway. Let her know that when the time comes, you'd like her to help you with the planning more than the financial aspect and that her ideas would be invaluable to you. It will help her feel needed on a different level and she may offer to help in little ways as she is able.

 

[Monaleezza]

Thats a good idea. Get mum's involvement and tell her they've more valuable than money. Excellent!

The more I look at the situation the more it seems as though she is happy you're going to marry sometime soon but is embarrassed she can't do more financially. That isn't negative really and maybe you should try not to see it as a negative.

 

[ardeur]

I think you're right. I would actually prefer that he and I paid for the wedding ourselves because it would give us more freedom to make the wedding just as we want it. I would love to involve her in the planning (as well as my sisters) I just hope that her worries about finances would cease.

And now I have to figure out (in the future) how to do a wedding on one or two thousand dollars. Hehe... I'm actually expecting it to be creative and fun.

 

[wikawika]

maybe your mother just sees where you could be heading based upon your relationships that she sees...it could just be her own sadness over you potentially leaving that has her trying to persuade you...not saying anything bad at all...just its hard for our parents to let us go sometimes...i think the fact she is even mentioning it though shows you (onthe positive side) that she feels that is a definate and good possibility for you

 

[Weasel7711]

my parents volunteered to pay for my honeymoon and insisted it be at least 2 weeks.

definitely cannot say no to that.

 

[klynnmiller]

my parents volunteered to pay for my honeymoon and insisted it be at least 2 weeks.

definitely cannot say no to that.

WOW!!! That's great!!! Where ya going???

 

[Weasel7711]

WOW!!! That's great!!! Where ya going???

thinking about a cruise to the Caribbean

so we can see the Caribbean and then make omelette's when the boat is out to sea.

 

[Briseis]

The couple pays for it more now because young ppl are more independent before they get married. A long time ago the daughter would often live with and off of the parents until the day of the wedding and had no money of their own. But things have changed, ppl are moving out sooner and getting married older. Why would a thirty year old expect her parents to pay for her wedding? I see you are 24, and I assume that you are pretty independent by now.

 

[ardeur]

I don't have any issues with them not paying, but just with the fact that she keeps bringing it up and complaining about it all the time. I have told her that I want a very simple and small wedding that I will finance myself, but she continues to bring up her desire for non-involvement. After so many times of being mentioned, it really starts to hurt my feelings.

 

[Emmaleuk]

Perhaps she's hinting that she doesn't want to be involved financially but she wants to still be involved and shes worried that you'll only be interested in her involvement if money is offered? I know that bot my brother and my sister funded their weddings themselves, and they found that people within the church (as well as family) were more than willing to put their skills to use! (Flower arranging, dress making, cake baking....decorating....organising...making invites) Perhaps this is one way that a) your wedding will become more affordable and b) Your mum will be involved without her having to fund the wedding.
God bless

 

[Noir]

My situation is kinda on the same page but for different reason. My mother is soon nearing her retirement while my stepfather already retired. So they live on limited income. There's no way that they will be able to afford to pay for my wedding when it comes to that and the fact I'm in my 30s. Sadly, my job doesn't pay very well at the moment so it's nearly impossible to have a wedding I desire and it causes me to keep delaying that big day. I suggest that you let your mother that you appreciate her feedback but you wouldn't worry about it till you actually get engaged officially and to keep the line of communication open when it comes to that. Ask for her feedback on planning the wedding rather than focus on her financial concerns.