I am an 18 yr old college freshman (good student and paying my own way through school) and want to have a girlfriend that me and my family have known for a long time. She is a lovely Christian girl and no one has anything but praise for her. Although we have not hidden our feelings for each other and many times sought my parents blessing the parents are now saying that we are forbidden from seeing each other or speaking. This when there has been no sin committed. They just think we are too serious. My parents feel we are too young to be in love and feel they are acting for my own good. My father has even threatened to pull me out of college if I don't obey. They say as my parents they are God's authority in my life and if they say no then it isn't God's will. Advice please?
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Parent's authority while in college
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Cearbhall
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Are you financially independent, or just paying for school? While I don't understand their actions at all, you may have to go along with it if they hold the purse strings.
Either way, I would sit down with your parents and have a mature, constructive conversation in which you both explain your points of view. Ask why they feel that God is against you expressing your love for another person and why they think that you can't handle the responsibility of a relationship when you're already paying your way through college.
If they won't budge, maybe propose the compromise of "courting," with dinners at each other's houses and things like that so that you can at least see each other. There's also digital communication.
Either way, I would sit down with your parents and have a mature, constructive conversation in which you both explain your points of view. Ask why they feel that God is against you expressing your love for another person and why they think that you can't handle the responsibility of a relationship when you're already paying your way through college.
If they won't budge, maybe propose the compromise of "courting," with dinners at each other's houses and things like that so that you can at least see each other. There's also digital communication.
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I struggled with honoring my father, because I rented a building from him for $5200 a month and wanted to help support him financially. However, once one is financially independent, it is important to honor one's parents, but one no longer obeys them uncritically. To be honest, I think anyone who seeks to control a child's decisions 100% after they don't live at home have psychological issues, which is understandable, being that two decades of making another person's decisions becomes habitual at some point.
My opinion is that you express to your parents that you would like to honor them, but on this point you would desire to court this lady because you want to get married. Now, if this is not your intention, then you are indeed immature, but again, there are certain limitations to how much they should control you.
I am going to guess that the girl is a few years younger then you.
My opinion is that you express to your parents that you would like to honor them, but on this point you would desire to court this lady because you want to get married. Now, if this is not your intention, then you are indeed immature, but again, there are certain limitations to how much they should control you.
I am going to guess that the girl is a few years younger then you.
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TheApostleJohn
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^this sounds like the best thing to do, even though I'm not sure they sound like "Mature, constructive conversation" kinds of people.
Also what is your financial situation? How can they "pull you out of college" if they're not paying for it?
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I first ask their blessing when I met her over 2 yrs ago. They asked that I get to know her better. I asked again and again and was told when I graduated hs. Then I did and it was "your brothers all waited until end of freshman year". I asked at thanksgiving and they said end it because we are too young. They said I am old enough to be in a relationship but not with her because I love her and am planning a future with her. They will not allow dinners or any contact. They have forbid texting. My only financial tie is that I come home for breaks and borrow their car for work when I am home.
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Cearbhall
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I guess I'm just unfamiliar with how your culture works, then. I don't really understand any of this. I don't think I know anyone who would ask for their parents' blessing to date someone once they're financially independent. I don't know people who wait until their kids are 18-19 to let them date. I'm having trouble understanding why you don't just date her anyway, if your dad can't actually pull you out of college. How can they forbid texting if they don't have access to your phone? Why do they think you aren't ready to plan for your future if you're on your own and attending college?
So my answer would be that you've earned the right to do what you want, but maybe that's not the answer you're looking for.
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It is important to honor your parents, but their authority over you changes when you are an adult.
I am concerned though over how profound the feelings between you and this girl are. Are you in love or does the fact that you cannot even speak to each other make you guys want each other all the more?
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Are you saying you're concerned because you fear that our feelings are based in something being forbidden and therefore more attractive? Be assured we are very much in love. She is my best friend and a huge blessing in my life.
We have always been in groups or with family but we have spent a lot of time together (before I went away to college). My parents would not give their blessing to an official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but have allowed us to see each other for years until this past November. We've had wonderful group/church trips and family events together. However when I asked again to have their blessing. They said it was time to end the relationship to focus on college and serving God. I was on the dean's list so it wasnt a matter of grades.
My mom is flying in again this week (she has come ever month since I've been here). I dont know how to fix this situation or make it better. They 100% feel they are right.
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Again, you never answered by question about how young she is, so if she is 15 or 16, your parents feel that obviously she's not getting married yet and neither are you. As a young married man, I can also appreciate that marriage is much tougher (and much better depending one what day of the week it is) then you think it is before you are married. But telling you that won't help you realize that, you just got to learn it the hard way with the rest of us.
However, you have to be clear to me (and ultimately your parents) for me to understand this situation. Do you want to court this girl so that ultimately, you can marry? Is that your intention? Would the girl understand that is the point of your courtship?
If this is the case, then I think you do good, and that you express to your parents it is no sin to get married and that you greatly desire to do so.
Last random point. Good Christian parents can make some very bad decisions sometime. Chiefly what comes to mind to me is Saint Augustine. His mother Monica was a very faithful Christian, yet she valued Augustine's secular education more than his religious education, because she wanted him to be successful. Augustine, when he wrote his autobiography The Confessions, realized that this greatly hampered his spiritual development for years as he set his heart after worldly success and not God.
So, I see what your parents are doing. They want you to do well in school, get a good job, and have a good future. However, the only TRUE good future is walking faithfully to God your whole life, career is a second priority. If you honestly believe it honors God to marry, even if it can compromise your career, it is more important to honor God.
Honor your parents, but when Colossians 3 talks about children obeying their parents, we don't obey when we are still adults, we honor. I am sure your parents don't ask their parents for permission for all their life's decisions. Therefore, we must honor, but ultimately we obey God alone.
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Hetta
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I'm sorry but the level of control you allow them to have over you is far too much. You are paying your own way through college, so how on earth can your dad take you out of college? You are an independent adult. Short of forcing you at gunpoint (I assume that's not an option) he has no way to enforce that threat.
Let me give you an eye opener here. I have two boys of 22 and 17. Both currently live at home but we do not control their private lives. The eldest dated a girl for 4 years out of high school with our full agreement. We only began to have any doubts when we found out how verbally abusive she was towards him. We warned and counseled him what a hard path he would walk if he continued to date her, and even marry her. Thankfully, they broke up in January of this year. Our other son (17) has been dating a girl for almost a year with our blessing. They are every well matched. Even if we did not like this girl, unless she was actually 'bad' (i.e. abusive like the other girl) we would not dream of telling him he could not date or he should break up.
Basically, we have supported our adult and 'almost adult' kids and we have given them our advice. We have warned them when we saw danger, and worried about them and prayed over them. But we would never dictate to them what they should or should not do. That, I think, is wrong.
Let me give you an eye opener here. I have two boys of 22 and 17. Both currently live at home but we do not control their private lives. The eldest dated a girl for 4 years out of high school with our full agreement. We only began to have any doubts when we found out how verbally abusive she was towards him. We warned and counseled him what a hard path he would walk if he continued to date her, and even marry her. Thankfully, they broke up in January of this year. Our other son (17) has been dating a girl for almost a year with our blessing. They are every well matched. Even if we did not like this girl, unless she was actually 'bad' (i.e. abusive like the other girl) we would not dream of telling him he could not date or he should break up.
Basically, we have supported our adult and 'almost adult' kids and we have given them our advice. We have warned them when we saw danger, and worried about them and prayed over them. But we would never dictate to them what they should or should not do. That, I think, is wrong.
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CharlotteMarch
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If you and your girlfriend are both of age, and you are financially independent, I see no reason why you should need your parent's permission to see each other. Although, if your mom really flies in to see you EVERY MONTH - I question whether you are ready for a serious relationship. You need to cut the apron strings
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DMMullinax
I could live in hope
Sorry, I'm a month late here. There's some pretty solid advice already given. My only suggestion would be to exercise caution on every side of this. My mother used to be somewhat controlling before college, so I get where you're coming from. It's hard to have a rational conversation about this with some parents because you will always be the inexperienced one- the one they must guide and instruct. It's hard to come out of that role in the eyes of some parents. You are more independent, more financially responsible for yourself, which should be honored, but at the same time you don't want to burn any bridges with your parents. Not saying you're going for that.
I don't doubt that the relationship you have with your girlfriend is well-founded. Just pray for wisdom on how not to harm your relationship with your parents too- as far as your part is concerned. It would be a terrible shame to prove your point and keep your girlfriend, but to have really damaged that closeness with your family. I don't know all the factors, so I'm not sure what decision you should make- but if you go about it with empathy for both sides, I'm sure a solution could be found.. even if the process feels like you're arguing with a brick wall
I don't doubt that the relationship you have with your girlfriend is well-founded. Just pray for wisdom on how not to harm your relationship with your parents too- as far as your part is concerned. It would be a terrible shame to prove your point and keep your girlfriend, but to have really damaged that closeness with your family. I don't know all the factors, so I'm not sure what decision you should make- but if you go about it with empathy for both sides, I'm sure a solution could be found.. even if the process feels like you're arguing with a brick wall
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Being controlling usually comes from fear. Ask them what their fears are.
In the US, there are FERPA laws that prevent a family member from accessing records information unless the student signs a waiver. That means they cannot see your grades, your financial records, your course schedule unless you give them access or show them yourself.
But if you live at home, and use their utilities and groceries and laundry, then they can limit access that way. If that happens and you are determined to go to school, get a loan for student housing (if it does not put you in terrible debt).
BUT parents and friends see things that star-struck lovers don't, so don't completely ignore their advice. Listen, and don't make it a competition over who is right. This is your life, and if they are trying to prevent you from pain and agony later, it's worth listening to them.
If you really are paying for everything, then there is no way -- logistically-- that they can pull you out. The college will probably even defend you, since you are not a minor.
In the US, there are FERPA laws that prevent a family member from accessing records information unless the student signs a waiver. That means they cannot see your grades, your financial records, your course schedule unless you give them access or show them yourself.
But if you live at home, and use their utilities and groceries and laundry, then they can limit access that way. If that happens and you are determined to go to school, get a loan for student housing (if it does not put you in terrible debt).
BUT parents and friends see things that star-struck lovers don't, so don't completely ignore their advice. Listen, and don't make it a competition over who is right. This is your life, and if they are trying to prevent you from pain and agony later, it's worth listening to them.
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I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this, but one thing I have noticed is the bible never gives an age at which people are allowed to no longer be obedient to, or honor their parents. There are examples of people fleeing from under someone's roof and jurisdiction when hardness or persecution arises, such as Jesus' family fleeing to Egypt, Hagar handmaiden of Sarai fleeing. There is a commandment that says honor thy father and thy mother, and it is repeated multiple times in the New Testament.
Your safest bet to avoid sin is to ask yourself, Am I under my parents' household and jurisdiction? If so then abide by their wishes. If not then you may choose to have this girlfriend.
Your safest bet to avoid sin is to ask yourself, Am I under my parents' household and jurisdiction? If so then abide by their wishes. If not then you may choose to have this girlfriend.
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I once was engaged to a man like you...except he was 22. I don't think his mother thought I was good enough for him though she never said this flat out. She did say some hurtful things that he didn't every realize were deep insults and untruths about me. When we were looking for a location to get married, I realized that he was more focused on pleasing her than me. I decided that I couldn't spend the rest of my life living in her shadow in his mind. I had to end that relationship. I had no problem with him honoring his parents but there needed to be a point where he owned his life and was willing to put me ahead of them.
When you are thinking of getting married, it is time to change your loyalities.
Gen 2:24
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
When you are thinking of getting married, it is time to change your loyalities.
Gen 2:24
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
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keith99
sola dosis facit venenum
I am so thankful my parents were not like that. The idea that my parents would ever have stood in a position where they would force a choice is so foreign to me that if it somehow happened I'd have to wonder if I had a serious and dangerous blind spot.
EDIT: And that is the reward for parents like Hetta who do not try to over control their children. Said children will be far more inclined to listen when they are on the brink of making a serious mistake.
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