Parenting Toddlers

[PhilipIC]

Hi everyone,

We have a son who is almost three and we are having a lot of trouble trying to make him obey us. When he is in a good mood, he is very loving and caring towards everyone around him. But, he is very strong willed. He doesnt listen to anyone. If he wants something, he will scream until he gets it. And he is always wanting something that he is not allowed to have like some medicine or the scissors or unlimited stash of candy or unlimited hours of TV. And when he is refused it, he starts screaming and throwing a fit. He doesn't ever give up even if we allow him to cry out for a while. Distracting him works sometimes but he eventually comes back to what he was crying for in the first place.

This becomes especially difficult when we are outside. We were at church today and he wanted a specific color of lollipop in the middle of worship. And we didnt have it with us, then started an episode of screaming and fist fighting until I had to take him out to play in the playground.
After service during fellowship, the same thing happened. He got upset because of something I didnt give him and he started screaming for watching his favorite video on the phone. He didnt give up until I took him to the car and put on the phone for him.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar ? How do you deal with this kind of behavior ? I fear that he is growing up into the most rebellious kid ever.
We have a 7 month old daughter and she is way calmer and well behaved compared to how he was at her age. So, I know it has something to do with his nature, not just something he have nurtured into him.

Thanks,
Philip

 

[ripple the car]

I'm not a parent, so can't relate personally, but as a little kid, temper tantrums that lasted for more than a few moments earned me time outs, no dessert, a whack on my butt, a stern talking to, or being sent to my room. It worked.

 

[PhilipIC]

I'm not a parent, so can't relate personally, but as a little kid, temper tantrums that lasted for more than a few moments earned me time outs, no dessert, a whack on my butt, a stern talking to, or being sent to my room. It worked.

Thanks for that. Did the disciplining affect your openness with them ?

 

[PloverWing]

I'm a mom of three, all young adults now. All three of them had their versions of the Terrible Twos, which stretched into Terrible Threes. Part of the natural development of toddlers at that age is realizing that they are separate persons from their parents, and establishing themselves as separate persons. That generally involves a lot of the toddlers saying "no" to their parents, and demanding things from their parents -- thus exercising their wills as separate from their parents' wills. They usually do grow out of the tantrum stage in a year or two.

My advice for the toddler years is twofold:

1) Don't give in to the tantrums. It rewards the behavior and teaches the child that tantrums are a successful way to get what they want. You might even tell the child "You're not allowed to yell like that. I can't give you the green lollipop now, because you were yelling. Later today, you can try again and ask nicely." I know that's easier said than done, especially if the child is making a scene in public. Nevertheless, persist.

2) Do give your child situations during the day when he can make genuine choices that matter. "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" "Do you want to have peas or carrots for dinner?" A short list of choices like this tends to be better than the open-ended "What do you want to wear?" Make sure that all the choices you offer are acceptable to you, and then do what the child chooses. This lets him exercise his will and begin to have some power, in a good way.

Good luck. The toddler years aren't easy.

 

[ripple the car]

Thanks for that. Did the disciplining affect your openness with them ?

I respected them. Frankly, my dad could be a little heavy handed at times, but it taught me discipline, respect, resignation, patience, and what to do when I didn't or couldn't get my way; live with it.

I learned to be open with my parents because I knew that they loved me, and knew that their discipline was *because* they loved me. They would actually sit me down and lecture me on why I just got my butt whooped, and it worked.

 

[PhilipIC]

I'm a mom of three, all young adults now. All three of them had their versions of the Terrible Twos, which stretched into Terrible Threes. Part of the natural development of toddlers at that age is realizing that they are separate persons from their parents, and establishing themselves as separate persons. That generally involves a lot of the toddlers saying "no" to their parents, and demanding things from their parents -- thus exercising their wills as separate from their parents' wills. They usually do grow out of the tantrum stage in a year or two.

My advice for the toddler years is twofold:

1) Don't give in to the tantrums. It rewards the behavior and teaches the child that tantrums are a successful way to get what they want. You might even tell the child "You're not allowed to yell like that. I can't give you the green lollipop now, because you were yelling. Later today, you can try again and ask nicely." I know that's easier said than done, especially if the child is making a scene in public. Nevertheless, persist.

2) Do give your child situations during the day when he can make genuine choices that matter. "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" "Do you want to have peas or carrots for dinner?" A short list of choices like this tends to be better than the open-ended "What do you want to wear?" Make sure that all the choices you offer are acceptable to you, and then do what the child chooses. This lets him exercise his will and begin to have some power, in a good way.

Good luck. The toddler years aren't easy.

Thank you Plover. Thats very useful.

 

[PhilipIC]

I respected them. Frankly, my dad could be a little heavy handed at times, but it taught me discipline, respect, resignation, patience, and what to do when I didn't or couldn't get my way; live with it.

I learned to be open with my parents because I knew that they loved me, and knew that their discipline was *because* they loved me. They would actually sit me down and lecture me on why I just got my butt whooped, and it worked.

Great point. Thanks Gracia.

 

[JAM2b]

Tantrum and testing the limits are very normal, especially at this age.

Don't give in to the tantrums. Don't offer something else fun or pleasant as a compromise or consolation for not getting what he was having a tantrum for. Don't try to distract him from it because he needs to learn how to feel, process, and manage his emotions in an appropriate way. By trying to make him stop the tantrum with distractions or something enjoyable, he is not getting the time he needs to sort this out for himself.

If he has a tantrum that last longer than is reasonable in public, then just remove him from the situation without adding something fun.

He needs to understand that he can't always have his way or a consolation. No means no. By giving him something that will make him happy or allowing him to do something fun, then you are reinforcing the habit of throwing tantrums. It has become a manipulations tactic. If he doesn't like something and he cries or acts out, then he gets to have something else that is more enjoyable.

Chances are his tantrums are lasting a long time because he has learn the longer it goes on for, the greater the chance he is going to get something he wants. Plus he is getting your undivided attention. I'm willing to bet part of the tantrum over not having his favorite color candy had a lot to do with being bored and not being the center of attention.

Also, if a child is hungry or tired they are not able to deal with those feelings as well as adults are, so they are going to be upset over it without the ability to express what is really wrong. They will lose control over their emotions. It is important to teach and encourage him how to share what is really going on in case it is more than just wanting to have something he can't.

So, I would just make sure he is not tired, hungry, thirsty, or feeling physically bad in some other way, and then if tantrums still happen, whatever you do, don't end it with making him happy with something that he does not truely need. He needs to learn that is not how to get what he is wanting.

This is something you want to get a handle on while he is still little because the teenage version of temper tantrum is a very ugly thing.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I understand the struggle, since my son just turned two and has started to have tantrums for things he can't have. He wants to climb furniture, and when I stop him he will throw a fit. I try to see it as age-appropriate behavior, even though it is tiring. He is trying to assert his independence. It's hard to reason with him, and he doesn't like to listen, but he responds to being redirected to something else. He also listens to my husband more than he listens to me.

If my son is throwing a fit, I sometimes say "I understand you're upset. You can cry and then I'll come back when you calm down." Then I walk away, and after a few minutes he will stop screaming and is ready to play again. It doesn't work every time, but it's better than nothing.

 

[mina]

Totally normal behavior at this age. I, too, have an almost 3 year old. Always stay calm, give them a choice where appropriate, and try to distract them to something more positive. Often in the middle of a tantrum over something really stupid to me but really important to my child, I'll ask if she wants to paint (or go outside , or fold laundry (which she loves btw).....anything to get the attention and focus off of whatever it was she was upset about. Or I'll just start singing; that sometimes helps too. Or I'll tell her to come see me when she's ready to play and step into the hallway or next room. Eta: I try to do a lot of sensory or art activities to help with emotion. Play doh , paint, stress balls to squeeze can all help a toddler to express emotion while calming them down.

 

[PhilipIC]

Thank you Jam, PoppySeed and Mina. Great points, need some time to process them.

 

[PhilipIC]

I made a summary based on the replies so far.

Summary :

1. Stay calm no matter how loud they scream or make a scene
2. Don’t give in to the tantrum. He needs to know that it is not acceptable behavior. Find a way to help him deal with this emotion. Some ways to do this are time outs, being sent to the room, letting them cry it out, etc.
3. Calmly explain why this is not acceptable behavior. Not giving in to the tantrum lets them know that what they were doing was wrong
4. They are at an age where they want to start exercising their own will and personality. There are healthy ways to let them do this. One way is to give a short list of choices from which they can choose. This will also help avoid open ended questions
5. Depending on the situation, it may be worth distracting them to something more positive and productive
6. Make sure the tantrum is not related to anything physical (hunger, thirst, sickness, tired)

 

[Paidiske]

The only other thing I'd add is that if he really seems to be struggling to settle after being upset - if the upset lasts hours, for example, instead of him being able to calm down - that might be a flag for something else going on health-wise, and worth a chat to your doctor or child health nurse.

The child health nurse also might be able to make suggestions about teaching a child to self-soothe when they're upset - like Mina's suggestions of play dough, paint etc - which can help head the tantrum off before you get to that point of absolute loss of control.

 

[PhilipIC]

How long should a time out generally be ? Like 5 minutes ?

 

[Paidiske]

The usual rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age, isn't it? So for a two-year-old, just a couple of minutes.

 

[JAM2b]

I didn't use timeouts for tantrums because they can be tricky if it is for that reason. A timeout requires the child to listen to you and obey to sit and be quiet. If a child is out of control with their emotions and not willing or able to listen, then that's a hard goal to meet. Plus if you are out in public when it happens, you might not have a timeout place.

What I would do instead is give my sons time to calm down on their own without giving in or giving them extra attention for the tantrum. If they didn't and we were home, I would have them go to their room until they were finished. I said, "If you need to cry/be upset, do it in there so l/we don't have to hear it." When they were done they could come out. If they came out and we're still upset, they were sent back in.

I never shut their door or blocked them in there. Their time in there was up to them. It lasted as long as they needed or wanted it.

If we were in public I would give them a reasonable amount of time to calm down on their own. If they didn't within that time, or got way out of control real fast, I would leave where ever we were. Sometimes I would try just going to sit in the car for a little while to see if that worked, if the weather wasn't extreme. If that wasn't an option or wouldn't work, then we would just leave the place altogether. There have been times I was shopping and just left my cart where we were and walked out with the kid with nothing and went home. If they can't or won't try to calm down in public, then they are not capable of being in public at that time.

For me the point in dealing with tantrums is not to be punitive, but to train them to work out their feelings on their own without giving in or giving them power.

Have you guys read the book, "Llama Llama, Mad at Mama"? I hate that book. This mother has her young child in a store, and his tantrum escalates as they go. I would have taken him home much earlier. That is an example of a child who was not able to handle a long shopping trip at that time, and she allowed it to continue for too long and go too far.

It's important to keep in mind children have very short attention spans and it doesn't take as much to make them tired as us. Sometimes fatigue presents itself as hyperactivity or agitation in children. Sometimes it's not a matter of being a bad kid, but more that they are not capable of dealing with what is going on at that time.