Parent of 18 year old with Asperger's

[boochomp]

I feel so angry right now at God for giving us this cross to bear. My son is 18 and was recently admitted to a psychiatric ward for wanting to hurt himself. He was admitted to an intensive after school program to help him to feel better about himself. He only gave it a day and a half and quit because now that he is 18 I have no say.

He is smart, but not the best student. So he comes home from school and watches videos and plays his music and gets very angry if anyone interrupts him.

I am so exhausted from continually trying to help him and feeling like I am a stranger in my own home because everything upsets him.

Not to mention he has encopresis which adds to the tension in the household.

I have a 16 year old daughter that has to live with this too and it kills me to watch her have to endure this everyday. To be honest, my only reason for living is her and my husband.

God help me.

 

[Vaccine]

My 6 year old daughter has autism so my heart goes out to you. My prayers are that you would find encouragement in your struggle and energy for each day.

 

[boochomp]

Thank you so much Vaccine for your thoughts and prayers. I am learning to take each day as it comes and really appreciate the good ones. We are in this together. I will pray for you and your daughter too.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

Aspergers can be a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Everyday I wake up, I see people walking together outside. I see people at work going to lunch together. I see people going out after work together. I see people fellowshipping in church. I go to a coffee shop and I see people fellowshipping over coffee. I see cars lined up in front of others peoples houses on weekend get togethers. There is not a day I don't ask why am I be denied all this? Anger is probably involved also.

My anger isn't directed towards God. We are born in a fallen world. Granted some may have more then others, but there isn't anyone who is perfect, with one exception.

My anger is generally directed at the church. It really is a colossal failure in my eyes. If I join a group, I get shunned. If I volunteer for a ministry, my phone will never ring. If I go to celebrate recovery, it's oh we only handle substance, sexual, or codependcy issues. If I go to the depression/anxiety group, its oh, we can't handle people who have other co-morbids. The only thing ever said to me is maybe you should go to a counselor. One, I do. Two, see my first paragraph above.

In the words of Ghandi "I love your Christ, I do not like your Christians."

As far as your son. One of the best things my father did was tough love all through my life. When I was 18, it was similar, but I was given the "my house, my rules, you can move out lecture since you are 18." It only took one night of sleeping on the ground to come home and follow the rules. I don't know if its sound advice for you. keep in mind I also have PTSD from my upbringing. So the extreme tough love was a mixed bag.

 

[Strachan]

Boochomp, I am in a similar situation. Our son is 17, and I would say is mostly Aspergers but combined with autism, bipolar, ADHD and OCD. We also have two daughters, aged 15 and 13 respectively. I know what you are going through.

Your daughter is tougher than you might think, but pray, and keep praying. The breakthrough will come. Let's give it all over to God. Do not let these things worry you. Release the burden onto God. Love your son. In essence, change your perspective. As much as you, your husband and your daughter are affected and tormented, so is your son. As much as you want him to confirm to the world, he cannot, and this brings him torment. He is tormented by not being able to fulfil worldly requirements, for failing. I know it doesn't even look that way, and it seems like he had no emotions and feels nothing - that is not so. The best answer I can give is love. Even if you feel he doesn't deserve it.

As for tough love - personally I do not agree in this particular case. Given that I favour discipline and respect, generally I would not hesitate, yet here I caution against it. Rather provide a place that he can always call home, always know he will be welcome no matter what. The last thing you want to do is put him out on the street, and let him get into a drug overdose or something.

However, discipline is still important - if it means raking the video games away so be it. Off course I realise tantrums may follow, so up to you how that is managed.

Be blessed.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi boo, welcome to CF.
Sorry your having to go thru all this.
I think it would be good to have short chats with him each day. Like just a sentence to a few sentences. Pick a topic, ask son to sit or stand and looking at you, not stare, just look, say its OK to blink, to look away and come back. Just that can take a while. Don't expect it to be long. Ask if he can put it into words what he feels. If not, ask him to think about it and share what he thinks tomorrow. Make it short for the 1st few months. Eye gaze for 10 secs. one or two sentences with instructions to think what he would say next time after he things more about it.

I think over a year or so, you will learn a lot about your son and he will come like the short times you have together, when if he can't think of something, that you give him time to think about it to find words and talk again. It also will develop a lot of skills to give him a method of communicating. Don't let that time become a lecture. I also think over time your conversations will get longer.

Keep it kind on the light side. Maybe observe, Oh, that is where you ran out of words. Think about what X means to you and lets see if you have more words tomorrow!? Object is not make it embarrassing that he can't talk, but Oh I see how your brain works, what will you and your brain think about this by tomorrow.

That's kinda how I did it tho I was older and self directed when I was learning to talk with others.

 

[Chaplain David]

I feel so angry right now at God for giving us this cross to bear. My son is 18 and was recently admitted to a psychiatric ward for wanting to hurt himself. He was admitted to an intensive after school program to help him to feel better about himself. He only gave it a day and a half and quit because now that he is 18 I have no say.

He is smart, but not the best student. So he comes home from school and watches videos and plays his music and gets very angry if anyone interrupts him.

I am so exhausted from continually trying to help him and feeling like I am a stranger in my own home because everything upsets him.

Not to mention he has encopresis which adds to the tension in the household.

I have a 16 year old daughter that has to live with this too and it kills me to watch her have to endure this everyday. To be honest, my only reason for living is her and my husband.

God help me.

Hello,

Welcome to CF. We're glad you joined. One thing I thought about while reading your post is that God thinks you are a special person and one able and capable of taking care of your son. It is certainly difficult at times. You must have a special strength to handle it although I fully understand how difficult it can be. I hope my advice is helpful.

Are you by chance involved in a caregivers group? If you could find one it would help you have fellowship with others who like you, take care of a sick family member. Members learn from each other and can ventilate about the problems they have.

Another option would be to consult with a professional counselor to help you with the depression you're experiencing, coping skills practical matters.

Are you have to get time outs regularly? These are extremely important for recharging your batteries.

I pray the very best for you and yours.

Faithfully,