Wow, thanks for your quick reply! I appreciate it alot!
I can honestly say that I'm not borderline personality disorder... I actually did exactly what you mentioned! I did ask my docs what they thought of personality disorders, especially paranoid personality disorder... They pretty much said no right off the bat... But I still have my doubts...
As for my paranoia... Its happened three times now... First two times were natural, (without any drugs/alcohol, etc...) I NEVER used anything, I hate that stuff! I hate it with a passion.
I HAVE to say, I have NOTHING against gays. I have several gay friends who are the nicest people on earth.
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG, I APOLIGIZE...
I was working at a Wal-Mart about two years ago... I was working night shifts, I was extremely happy because working with my co-workers was fun. Anyways, I switched from nights to days, and worked days for about a week, and then I started to think things were going on... Based on the way people looked at me, reacted to me, talked, moved, etc... I became convinced, that everyone thought I was gay...
This came out of NOWHERE... Theres no reason why I would ever think this normally... But I kept thinking it... People would say things, and I would immediately link them to their beliefs that I was gay... (Ideas of reference, Delusions of reference) I was ready to punch the guy out who said this... All he said, was the word, "dysfunctional," and I was ready to beat him up...
Anyways... It got to the extent that I called my boss outside, and asked her, if everyone thought I was gay... And the answer was, "no..." Everyone loved me there, because I was so energetic all the time... Immature, etc... So it was a surprise from my boss's point of view that I'd even consider thinking it...
There happened to be a guy there that was gay... He was a good friend while working at wal-mart... And I thought, that all the people in wal-mart, were working against me in order to make me feel what its like to be accused of being gay... I actually thought it was an organized thing... It was scary because I was convinced of this completely...
This sorta died down after a day or two, after I asked about 4 people if it was actually going on... About a week or two later I left Wal-mart without saying goodbye or even giving a notice...
THE NEXT time I got paranoid... Was about 6 months later... I went on a europe trip with my best friend... And on this europe trip, we met about 45 people, from all over the world... I was the, "soul of the trip," everyone loved me... I was the person to go to, even though I was the youngest on the trip... People just loved me because I was energetic, not afraid of people, etc...
About half way through the trip, I started to think people were talking about me... Just little things at first... The way people looked at me, moved, reacted to me, talked etc... I could hear my name being said, which went from my real name to, "Spielberg." That was my nickname... It was said alot, and I thought everyone hated me... And immediately went on to think everyone thought I was gay...
Anyways, I asked one of the older people on the trip, whom I was sure I could trust, if everyone was talking about me... He said no, and cheered me up... I let things slide for the remainder of the trip...
When I got back from the trip, and saw my parents for the first time, I immediately thought something was up... Even by the reactions of my friend on the trip, he was almost ignoring me, and so were his parents... My mind started rushing, and my parents showed up... They were almost ignoring me too...
On the way home from the airport, I asked my Mom if there was something the matter... She said no... When we got home that night, she made two jokes, which I took as gay jokes... Can't remember, but I don't think they had anything to do with gay jokes... I just thought they meant it... Once again, (ideas of reference, delusions of reference) just like it wal-mart...
I went to bed, and I woke early the next morning, jet lag was horrible. I sat at my computer, and was capturing pictures and stuff from the trip onto my pc... When I started to think something... Suddenly, like everything made sense, from when we first arrived in europe, until we left... Things that were said, things that happened, LITTLE things... They made sense... EVERYONE on the trip thought I was gay, and was secretly talking to my parents back home... I thought that my friend whom I was with on the trip, had called my parents while in europe, and told them I was gay... I was having anxiety alot...
It was like 7:00 AM, and everyone was out of the house... At work or at school... I paced alot around the house... Things just started to make my beliefs even more-so believable... I thought that everyone meant to be out of the house in the morning for me to feel bad... It was crazy... I called my mom's cell, she didn't answer... I called my step dad's cell, he didn't answer... I even called my brother and he didn't answer... This made things WAY worse... My mind was speeded up like a hundred times faster, and I thought everyone was ignoring me on purpose... That it was a plan...
I was pacing around, trying to find a way to make things better, but couldn't find anything... I decided to call my friend who went on the trip with me, as I was SURE he had called my parents and his parents while on the trip, and spread the fact that I was gay... (Which isn't true)
I couldn't resist, so I called my friend at around 7:30 - 8:00 AM, and is dad answered and told me he was asleep, I left a message to return my call... I sat down... Anxiety slowly taking over... I couldn't handle waiting, so I called my friend again, and told his dad to wake him up...
So my friend answers the phone... And he says hi... The first thing I say is, "Dude... Did you tell my parents I am gay?" My friend was SO confused... There was a long pause, he didn't say anything, and then he replied, "No... What the _____ are you talking about?" I was mad, but ended the conversation saying sorry...
I approached my mom later on that day, and made it sound like she was against me... We had a fight or an argument... (can't recall exactly) But the next day we were to go to my friends house (whom went to europe with me) for dinner... And on the way, I told my mom what I thought... She got so flustered that she turned around and cancelled the dinner... I was confused... The next day I got kicked out of my mom's house, and went to live with my dad...
I went to see psychiatrists and they put me on risperdal. (antipsych) I researched psychosis before seeing them, and made it easier for them to understand as doctors...
About 9 months later, I quit meds for 4 months... didn't tell anyone, and I experienced again another psychotic paranoid episode about a guy hitting on me... I had been on meds for 4 months, and was around people who were smoking (bad stuff)... I went back on meds again and here I am, on seroquel...
WOW, thats a lot of writing... Sorry lol...
Thanks,
