Overwhelming shame

[rhssm]

Please pray for me... I don't know exactly how to describe it... but I feel like so much angst and shame is coming out of me right now. I hope it's coming out to finally leave me for good. It's overwhelming me. I was abuse as a child.. I know verbally, but sometimes I wonder if I was ever sexually abused. I feel so dirty and ashamed right now and I can't explain it. I have a flashback sometimes and wonder what it is.

I have spent years and years trying to cover up any glitch in my outward behavior so that no one knows all of the stuff inside that I've had to deal with. I do this because when people see anything that sends a red flag that I have any kind of issue, they then no longer view me as an equal... no longer have any interest in associating with me. This makes everything inside become worse... and I just have been trying to survive. If I show people what they want to see and expect to see out of me... then I get positive feedback, which has a more positive effect on how I feel about myself. It's at least enough to get me by.

But I know that in order for me to ever truly heal and move on... I'm going to have to continue to reveal every ugly, broken part of me to the world... until it's finally healed. If I'm not vulnerable and open... I won't heal. If I pretend there's nothing wrong... then the problems will never be addressed and worked on. I'm going to have to go through a fire and I pray that the end is soon near....
I've already been through so much.

I just want to be viewed as the person that I am... NOW. I don't want people to treat me a certain way because of my past and how it's hurt me. I don't want to be ashamed of my past any more. I want to heal and live NOW.

Thank you for your prayers. This is the scariest feeling.

 

[Johnnz]

You need to be wrapped up in safe, supportive counsel and care.

Feel free to PM me. That may help you in the short term. You will need someone closer to help you through the issues you are facing at some time. But don't feel all alone right now.

John
NZ

 

[NostalgicGranny]

You need to be wrapped up in safe, supportive counsel and care.

Feel free to PM me. That may help you in the short term. You will need someone closer to help you through the issues you are facing at some time. But don't feel all alone right now.

John
NZ

I agree with this. You need to talk to someone.

Turn this over to God. Just tell him you are overwhelmed and need him to take this from you. He will, and you will feel the weight lifting.

The important thing to remember is you are not alone. I read somewhere that 1 in every 3 women have been abused. So go look out your window or look around at work or in class. Count every third one you see. That is a LOT of women! So you see you are not as alone as you feel.