Overprotective vs Careless Parenting

[Redguard]

Both sound a bit extreme, I know. But I want to ask you guys something.

I'm afraid that I'm a bit of an overprotective parent. I can't, for a second, imagine allowing my 5yr old to play outside without me keeping a close eye on her. Especially if it's in the proximity of vehicles.

In my neighbourhood (which is a small subdivision of townhouses) there are kids ranging in age from 3 to 13 that just zip in and out of the streets on their bikes, skateboards and scooters, even in the presence of vehicles. I have to slow to a crawl when I'm driving in because I've seen it on many occasions where a TODDLER has just appeared out of nowhere on a bicycle while somebody has been driving towards their home. And many of these kids aren't wearing any protective gear like helmets or knee pads.

Add to that the fact that many of these YOUNG kids will be out when it's dark outside (long after what I would consider to be a reasonable bedtime). And the parents are not outside to monitor them or anything.

Then, while taking a walk, I sorta realized that my daughter was perhaps one of the only kids that wasn't a part of this neighbourhood gang of kids that are always outside playing. So while I expect that most, or all of you will reply to this thread saying how protective you are... I'm inclined to think that it couldn't possibly be the case because I'm the only one out of the 100+ families on the street who seems to take this protective approach with my kid.

I'm not raising a hermit crab or anything. My daughter has her activities that keep her busy... like soccer, swimming, dance, etc. It's just that none of it consists of random unsupervised neighbourhood gallivanting.

I'm trying to get her to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels right now. But every time we go bike riding, I bring her out to a vacant school parking lot, suit her up in all her protective gear, and let her practice there where she won't have to dodge any oncoming traffic.

Up to a point, I think my parents raised me the same way. I resented it a lot and promised not to do that with my kids. But here I am doing it now.

I don't know what to make of this.

 

[CelticRose]

Frankly, your neighbours sound plain careless to me. I hate kids around traffic. Period. Zero tolerance for it. Last week I watched our island copper let all the air out of a 1/2 dozen kids' bikes (forcing them to walk home pushing said bikes) because they had NO protective gear on, not even a helmet. Out here that's illegal. Kids reinforce kids so if the strongest personality is a less than desirable one you get kids being wild. This is not good ~ for the kids or society. Methinks you are being a responsible parent raising a responsible child.

 

[Gods4me]

you neigbours sound like mine. there little girl same age as my boy and she is walking about on the pavement (sidewalk), up to atleast 10 at night,

i think they are just careless, thats they way there parents brought them up so they think its alright.

i feel the same way as you. want to be over protective, not let him go out on the streets ever.
i think it quite like to back fire badly, i had a friend at schools whos parents were very over protective and now she is 22 she never goes out with friends and doent mix with other people.
but then there's the other extreem they rebell. and sneek out, and lie about where they are.

I wouldnt want my childern to turn in to either. i think the best way is to let thm go play with here friends at there friends or at yours, then you or the othere parent can keep an eye on them.

i dont think your over protective you care about you children. rase them as you see right.

 

[bliz]

The situation in your neighborhood sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. It makes perfect sense to me to not turn your daughter loose in such a situation. Is there any area in the neighborhood where kids can play out of traffic? If so, you could be the dad that introduces some group activities out of the way of cars... say, chasing after soap bubbles... doing skits... playing relay games...

There is something to be said for random unsupervised neighborhood gallivanting but not in traffic! It is best done when there are lots of parental ears and eyes on the situation (not shut away in AC) and given what you have described, I don't know that you can trust the judgment of your neighbors.

Perhaps, as she gets just a little older you can find her some great programs - Summer's Best Two weeks, Christian camping for girls etc.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I wouldn't say that's overprotective at all. I never let my son out of my sight when he was five and we were outside. He is now 7 and I still would be that way, you never know with the strange world we live in. You cannot base your parenting on others.

My ex's neighborhood was strange. This sweet couple across the street always let their two daughters run around. One came over at 9:30 at night alone wanting to play with some other kids, she was probably 7. The more horrible thing is that the five year old is only in her underwear, outside, in broad daylight, riding her bike, EVERY DAY. Seriously, she is only dressed in underwear. Her parents are never outside with her. Sigh, some people are too trusting

 

[MyaShane]

My girls are allowed to play unsupervised only in our fenced-in backyard. Thay cannot play in our front yard without supervision since that's where the street is and it's not fenced. They also cannot ride their bike without helmets even if they're just doing circles on the driveway. There's nothing overprotective about that at all I don't think.

And a 5 yo is way too old to be outside in her underwear IMO! My 3yo is very anti-clothing (by that I mean she just wants to be in underwear only) right now, but she knows that she can't go outside unless she at least puts some shorts on!!

 

[marezee]

you are just being a good parent in my opinion--not overprotective.
I agree with you--my 6,5 & 2 1/2 yr olds are supervised outside at all times, except in my fenced in yard. and then only if i need to go inside to pee or get us refreshments.

we live in a small town, but on a corner...and the people know that little ones are around but still come blazing around the corner so fast, it would be a disaster if some poor kid was on the street.

one of my neighbor's across the way allowed his 3yr old to play on the corner and several times he was almost hit by a car! also, we saw him playing UNDER his father's truck one day and had to go tell him he was under there! poor judgement on his father's part i think.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Haven't read all of the replies but this is actually a discussion Fatburger and I were having not that long ago.

Your neighborhood sounds SO much like ours it isn't funny. And we live in a nice, new housing development too. We both agreed that our child will not be allowed to run around like 99% of the kids around the house does. We ALWAYS see little kids (toddlers) out on the street while the parents are no where to be seen. And some people drive REALLY fast around the loop. It scares me

So I don't think you are being overprotective in the least Red. I would do (and will do) the same with our daughter.

So here is my solution- you move to Portland and our daughters can play together, inside, where they are safe. Or they can play, outside, at the park, with me right on their tails the whole time

 

[Meshavrischika]

being careless is the same as being overprotective IMO. they are two sides of the same sword. hopefully, we can, in general, fall mostly in the middle.

if you feel you are being rational, reasonable and allowing your child to take some general expected risks (learning to ride a bike, etc) then I'm sure you're fine. If you ever question why you are doing something limiting, and can't answer with something rational, I'd re-evaluate.

 

[lucypevensie]

Believe me, you are not alone. Letting kids play in the street, even a "non-busy" one is irresponsible at best. I see it more often than I'd like in my own neighborhood. Kids bouncing balls in the street, riding bikes and scooters in the street, playing jump rope in the street, STANDING in the street (and giving you a "Dare you to hit me" look while you crawl by at 5 mph in your car). And this is a neighborhood with lawns and driveways, so it's not like there's no other place for them to play. I remember one little girl sitting on her bike in the street and giving the finger to everyone driving by. Someone eventually stopped their car and told her to cut it out.

I do allow my kids to ride their bikes to the playground a block away but they are required to ride single file and get on the sidewalk as soon as possible. And never after dark.

Yeh...Don't get me started onthe kids who walk around on the streets after dark.

 

[jennyren]

I used to live in a neighborhood like this and I too thought I was the only parent on the block who had a bedtime for my kids. I never let my kids out of our yard (small fenced block of grass), unless I was with them. I did feel like they were missing out on the fun sometimes so I would invite the other kids into our yard to have a popsicle or whatever, if they asked their parents first. Turned out some of those kids came from unstable homes and our yard became like an afterschool safe haven. I even had one kid come over on Christmas day. When I went to ask his mom if it was Ok that he have dinner with us. She was totally hungover and seemed to not care. Kinda sad.

 

[Redguard]

being careless is the same as being overprotective IMO. they are two sides of the same sword. hopefully, we can, in general, fall mostly in the middle.

if you feel you are being rational, reasonable and allowing your child to take some general expected risks (learning to ride a bike, etc) then I'm sure you're fine. If you ever question why you are doing something limiting, and can't answer with something rational, I'd re-evaluate.

I think the risk that comes with being over-protective is that you might possibly raise an inexperienced and naive child.

But I think that, physically, there are a lot more risks inherent with having a more careless approach towards parenting.

Here's another example. And this isn't a criticism of the other parents, just me having trouble managing my own fears and insecurities. When my daughter is at her swimming lessons, parents have the choice of either being inside the pool area and sitting in the bleachers, or out in the hallway where you can't really see the pool.

The disadvantage to being in the pool area is that it can get really humid (so that the kids in the pool don't get too cold).

I'm always inside, right at ground level, sitting on the front bench, usually with my shoes partially removed just in case I have to leap into the pool to pull her out. I recognize THAT as me probably being excessive. But I have my own fear of water that I've never overcome and I'm repositioning that fear onto my daughter while watching her stick her head under the water. My coworker's son is in a different swim level, but uses the same pool during the same class time. She says, "Oh it's too humid in here! I'll wait in the hall" and is perfectly comfortable with not being there to watch. Her son is roughly the same age.

In a way, I envy her ability to feel that level of comfort. And I think to myself, "C'mon... there are probably 5 trained lifeguards in the pool at any given time. What could possibly go wrong?"

But it's never enough for me. And that's where I know I'm being a bit over the top at times.

 

[marezee]

I'd be right by the pool too!

 

[Redguard]

Good. Then we can both be crazy together.

 

[marezee]

Good. Then we can both be crazy together.

Amen to that! when it comes to my children--call me crazy! hehehe!

let me ask you this one? If you "fell" for a level three sexual offender, would you have him/her move in with you when you have a 7yr old living with you?
well, that's exactly what my neighbor did. :o don't know what the deal is there.

 

[Meshavrischika]

I guess my thought Red is that who is to judge what is "more damaging" or "more risky"? that you will raise someone who cannot function in the real world... is that better than having someone hurt? IDK. I think, like I said, it's better to fall in the middle.

 

[Redguard]

Amen to that! when it comes to my children--call me crazy! hehehe!

let me ask you this one? If you "fell" for a level three sexual offender, would you have him/her move in with you when you have a 7yr old living with you?
well, that's exactly what my neighbor did. :o don't know what the deal is there.

Wouldn't that constitute a parole violation?

 

[marezee]

Wouldn't that constitute a parole violation?

yup! Acutally, the woman who allowed this man into her home took his word that the charges were bogus. He was convicted in the state of Texas, not NY where he is now. NY has not given him a level yet.
the end of the story is that this woman's x-hubby now has custody of the children, because she chose this man over her own children!

was this careless? i think so! she was subjecting her children to a level 3 sex offender without checking into his background--just taking his word for it. For me, that's like placing your child in front of a moving truck!

 

[Birbitt]

Redguard...I'm inclined to believe that most parents these days are exactly like the parents you describe in your post. I think that this in part is why so many children get kidnapped, abused, neglected, assaulted, and why so many children drown in family pools! We have a lady by us here that will leave her 3 and 5 year olds with her 12 year old son and go out for THE WEEKEND!!!! I could never! My boys ride their little tricycles with helmets and knee pads on! They play at the playground by our house and I'm right there if they are out so am I! However I believe that parents like you and I and others here on this board are the exception rather than the rule anymore. I don't really know why though I suspect it's just a product of the society today. My neighbor thinks it's because in many families now a days both parents work and so there is less supervision..I think this is just an excuse! My husband and I both work, and watch our children like hawks, and we homeschool them on top of that!!! I think people have just generally gotten lazy about supervising their children they think oh that will never happen to us so I don't have to worry or we live in a safe neighborhood!!! Well I REFUSE to take chances on that one. The only way I can possibly insure my children's safety is to be with them protecting them! So I do agree with you that the norm anymore is to let children run loose, but I think on this board you will find more responsible parents and maybe part of that is that We are all called by God to be the best parents we can be, and so it's our conviction to supervise our children! However I won't say that only children with non-christian parents run wild..because this would be a faulty generalization.

 

[Birbitt]

yup! Acutally, the woman who allowed this man into her home took his word that the charges were bogus. He was convicted in the state of Texas, not NY where he is now. NY has not given him a level yet.
the end of the story is that this woman's x-hubby now has custody of the children, because she chose this man over her own children!

was this careless? i think so! she was subjecting her children to a level 3 sex offender without checking into his background--just taking his word for it. For me, that's like placing your child in front of a moving truck!

Pardon my harshness here but I must say your friend is NUTS! I don't even leave my children with a babysitter without checking into their background at least a bit! I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but I just couldn't think of any better way to say it as that's like playing with fire!